I'm receiving the "Silent Treatment" - Now what?

[notalady]

Yeah I get that, people screw up and you did the right thing by apologizing and reaffirming your feelings toward him. That's why his reaction, in light of all that, is nuts

 

Just because she apologised doesn't mean he's obligated to accept it or to keep talking about it.

 

Just presenting a different perspective since everyone seems to think it's so unreasonable or even "abusive" (um what?). It's not that unreasonable I don't think. They already communicated, he probably see no point in continuing to talk about it and for her to apologise over and over, now is time to think things over at least in his mind, whether he can live with it or not. Clearly he sees it big enough a deal to think over rather than just go "ok no big deal, just don't do it again".

 

Best thing for her to do is to just leave him alone and let him come back to her. Communication is required when he comes back as to what he's really been thinking over all this time and establish boundaries if needed and discuss how to go forward (or he might come back and say sorry we're not right for each other, let's break up).

[Blue Ridge]

I felt comfortable enough to send the picture to my bf as I thought he would find it funny as so many people try and pick me up as I am light.

 

I have several small female friends and have never lifted one off the ground. And I don't think my girlfriend (nor they) would be thrilled about me doing it if I were to. I'm not passing judgment on your behavior, just pointing out that you and your boyfriend may have different values or be in different (and incompatible) places in life.

[reinventmyself]

If this was the first time he did this then I wouldn't really have an opinion one way or another, but the OP states he's done this 3 day freeze out another time as well.

[TMifune]

Yes, you can express anger openly without losing your rag or hitting anyone or anything. Seen it myself. This guy doesn't seem to be experiencing high emotions at all... more like a cold, punitive withdrawal.

 

I agree absolutely that it can be done. That doesn't mean everyone is equipped to handle things that way nor that any specific person is equipped to handle every situation that way. Imagine it reminded him very very strongly of what a woman who left him for another guy and took his children away from him did. If he doesn't have the tools to manage that in a discussion, then withdrawing allows him to manage it in a way that doesn't unleash it on her.

 

I mean you can't look at the distribution of anger handling techniques and shame someone for being in the mean because you know someone who's in the 99th percentile.

[notalady]

If this was the first time he did this then I wouldn't really have an opinion one way or another, but the OP states he's done this 3 day freeze out another time as well.

 

It depends on what was the conflict last time. Is it a "red flag" for him?

 

The fact that he did communicate his discontent in this instance and OP said he wrote a thoughtful message about needing time to think, have me believe that rather than being manipulative or uncommunicative, he might actually have serious concerns that need to be thought over.

 

There's not enough information to say it's one way or the other. But it's good to consider this is a possibility as well rather than jumping to conclusions to demonise the guy and call "abuse".

[Hermes]

Essentially this is it, Nutbrown.

 

....more like a cold, punitive withdrawal.

[happpybear]

Yeah. Three days is a long azz time to "think" about it without some sort of further interaction. He's being ridiculous! I agree that he is being punitive. I would tolerate it one time, and explain to him that everyone makes mistakes but if he acts like that again, it's over. Looks like he has a pattern since this is the third time. I do agree that he may be thinking over the relationship, which I think is perfectly acceptable. But once again, he needs to man-up and express that, or at least indicate that he needs more time to think so that she isn't sitting there wondering, and waiting and feeling punished.

[Ms Darcy]

As someone who hates confrontation -- and who doesn't tolerate screaming, yelling, or name-calling -- I can totally understand wanting to take a little time to cool off, mainly so that screaming, yelling, name-calling, saying things you'll regret later, etc., don't happen. That said, going for DAYS without talking to someone, in my opinion, goes beyond needing to cool down; for me, it's punitive, and if done frequently, it IS a form of emotional abuse. It's one thing to need a few hours to gather one's thoughts or to back away from a heated situation, but...not talking to someone for days, weeks, etc. on end is NOT a communication style -- it's a punishment, and it's used to invalidate another person.

 

I'm glad you posted this. I personally am the type of person who needs time to process. There are times where someone does something, maybe even something minor, and REALLY tick me off. So, I get up, take a walk, take a breath, and think. I get in touch with what I am feeling. It takes my brain some time to go from the gut instinct feeling to putting it into words. Sometimes when I think through it, I find that my anger is more about other things (tired, hungry) than what the other person did.

 

So, hashing things out immediately would be a complete disaster for me because I would be communicating from a place of anger and not of understanding, self-awareness or empathy. That's why I have tended to understand those men who need time to go off and think.

 

The issue here is the level of his reaction. I would probably be annoyed if I were him. I might even take a day to think. But when I come back, I would have my thoughts together and calmly explain my perspective. I'm more troubled that he has held onto this and continues to have a high level of anger for so long. Three days is a very long time. I think you have to understand that this situation may be a big sign of incompatibility if he is so strongly against your behavior - behavior you find to be playful.

[TMifune]

Yeah. Three days is a long azz time to "think" about it without some sort of further interaction. He's being ridiculous! I agree that he is being punitive. I would tolerate it one time, and explain to him that everyone makes mistakes but if he acts like that again, it's over. Looks like he has a pattern since this is the third time. I do agree that he may be thinking over the relationship, which I think is perfectly acceptable. But once again, he needs to man-up and express that, or at least indicate that he needs more time to think so that she isn't sitting there wondering, and waiting and feeling punished.

 

Why does "man-up" always seem to indicate that man needs to cater to a woman's preferences / desires above his own?

 

He already expressed it. What's the appropriate rate at which he should update her that he's still angry? Hourly? Daily? In response to every text message she sends?

 

OP's BF 5:03 PM: Still Angry

OP's BF 6:17 PM: Still Angry

OP 6:18 PM: You were 17 minutes late with your update....you're abusive!!!!

[Hermes]

I think we can all agree that silence is sometimes golden. No harm at all.

 

But the punitive silent treatment is in a different category altogether.

[browneyedgirl36]

I think we can all agree that silence is sometimes golden. No harm at all.

 

But the punitive silent treatment is in a different category altogether.

 

Yep -- that's the crux of it. It depends on the situation, on how it's done, what the intention behind it is, how long the duration, etc. Not all silence is abusive, but not all silence is just "taking some time to think," either.

[Hermes]

The punitive silence is so obvious it is like being struck in the face. There are no two ways about it.

[browneyedgirl36]

I'm glad you posted this. I personally am the type of person who needs time to process. There are times where someone does something, maybe even something minor, and REALLY tick me off. So, I get up, take a walk, take a breath, and think. I get in touch with what I am feeling. It takes my brain some time to go from the gut instinct feeling to putting it into words. Sometimes when I think through it, I find that my anger is more about other things (tired, hungry) than what the other person did.

 

So, hashing things out immediately would be a complete disaster for me because I would be communicating from a place of anger and not of understanding, self-awareness or empathy. That's why I have tended to understand those men who need time to go off and think.

 

The issue here is the level of his reaction. I would probably be annoyed if I were him. I might even take a day to think. But when I come back, I would have my thoughts together and calmly explain my perspective. I'm more troubled that he has held onto this and continues to have a high level of anger for so long. Three days is a very long time. I think you have to understand that this situation may be a big sign of incompatibility if he is so strongly against your behavior - behavior you find to be playful.

 

Oh, totally -- I get needing to cool off. I've had to do it myself when someone -- a friend, colleague, one of my parents, etc. -- has upset me, mainly because my mind gets so muddled I can't really think, and I want to respond appropriately to the situation. And, I like to take a little time to think of WHY the person's behavior made me so angry -- was it really something they did wrong, or is it an issue *I* have that caused me to take offense, get upset, get my feelings hurt, etc.? I think it's worth it to dial things back a bit and not just dive in, guns blazing, emotions running high.

 

I just think that, in this case, three days seems a long time, and the three days very well COULD turn into more -- a week, two weeks -- and I wonder at what point most people on here would say he's being unreasonable and punitive?

 

I think the OP meant absolutely NO harm whatsoever with that picture, and the fact that she sent it to him means she wasn't trying to hide it from him or do anything inappropriate. Certainly, he has a right to his feelings, and I hope he'll try to sit down with her and discuss it rationally rather than leaving her hanging.

[reinventmyself]

So. . if a relationship counselor was to weigh in on this, my understanding is the therapeutic thing to do is to tell your partner you need a time out to think about things, but in turn you have a specific time that you will respectfully return and engage them to resolve the issue.

 

Being left hanging for days just isn't right, UNLESS you plan on staying gone.

 

It's a way to telling your partner that you need to leave for a period of time. . that you are not leaving them, or the relationship.

[Hermes]

Oh lord...

 

Time out is great. Sulking for days, punitive silence, the cold shoulder, the guilt trip.

A different matter altogether. The weapon of the self-absorbed.

 

The silent treatment is a common way of displaying contempt for another individual while avoiding confrontation about that contempt or without giving the target of the contempt an opportunity to resolve the issue or dispute. The goal is typically to invoke FOGfear, obligation or guilt - in the mind of the target individual.

 

Note that just being quiet or declining to have a conversation is not the same thing as the SIlent Treatment. Many times, exiting a conversation is a healthy and constructive thing to do as part of a conflict resolution strategy, to exit a circular conversation, to escape verbal abuse or just to compose yourself. The Silent Treatment is different from a time-out in the following ways

 

 

[browneyedgirl36]

Why does "man-up" always seem to indicate that man needs to cater to a woman's preferences / desires above his own?

 

He already expressed it. What's the appropriate rate at which he should update her that he's still angry? Hourly? Daily? In response to every text message she sends?

 

OP's BF 5:03 PM: Still Angry

OP's BF 6:17 PM: Still Angry

OP 6:18 PM: You were 17 minutes late with your update....you're abusive!!!!

 

I understand your point, TM, but I respectfully ask, at what point would you consider his "taking time to think" has gone into punitive territory? I agree he deserves time to think -- and not just an hour or two -- and I think his feelings are totally valid, but I wonder at what point you'd say it's likely he's NOT going to get past this and the relationship is over? (Or, that the relationship isn't salvageable because they have VERY different ways of handling conflict).

 

He has a right to be upset if he found the picture upsetting. He is not obligated to immediately accept her apology and act like nothing happened; however, at some point, he's going to have to talk to her about all this OR call the relationship off, and I'm wondering at what point she should consider that he's not willing to talk to her and the relationship is over. If he just leaves her hanging, and refuses to talk, then there is no relationship, and I would say if he lets this go for more than a week without trying to talk, it's done.

[notalady]

So. . if a relationship counselor was to weigh in on this, my understanding is the therapeutic thing to do is to tell your partner you need a time out to think about things, but in turn you have a specific time that you will respectfully return and engage them to resolve the issue.

 

Being left hanging for days just isn't right, UNLESS you plan on staying gone.

 

It's a way to telling your partner that you need to leave for a period of time. . that you are not leaving them, or the relationship.

 

This is true. I was just about to say, when I was seriously thinking about leaving my ex due to the issues we had, I said I need a week of NC to think things over. That's the only way under the circumstances I could think clearly and objectively.

 

He contacted me (breaking NC that he agreed to) after only 3 days. I had pretty much made up my mind by then anyway so I told him that I wanted to break up.

 

If OP's boyfriend need to take days to think about this issue, it should probably just be over anyway. They're just not compatible.

[happpybear]

Why does "man-up" always seem to indicate that man needs to cater to a woman's preferences / desires above his own?

 

He already expressed it. What's the appropriate rate at which he should update her that he's still angry? Hourly? Daily? In response to every text message she sends?

 

OP's BF 5:03 PM: Still Angry

OP's BF 6:17 PM: Still Angry

OP 6:18 PM: You were 17 minutes late with your update....you're abusive!!!!

 

I use the terms man-up and women-up when referring to situations when either sex needs to put on there big-boy or girl pants and act like an adult. Hope that clarifies it for you.

 

The rest of your post is overly sarcastic and totally unnecessary, so i'm not going to clarify what I mean by how often he should be "updating" her.

[Krankor]

I think what's happened here is that you are finding out at this early stage that you and your boyfriend have a different set of boundaries when it comes to interactions with members of the opposite sex. What you see as harmless fun with an old friend he sees as his girlfriend out being too flirty and letting other men get handsy with her. Perception is reality.

 

I don't think it's fair or right for your boyfriend to take this long to get back to you, however. I can see needing a few hours or even a day to think things over, but I don't think your boyfriend is honestly just conflicted and is still thinking about things. I think he is trying to punish you and wants to make you "sweat" a little longer. Even if he is still thinking things over, I don't think it's fair to you to make you wait 3 days without any form of communication. That's too long. You two are supposed to be in a relationship; he can't just fall of the face of the Earth indefinitely every time something bothers him. That's too painful for the other person.

 

In your shoes, I would attempt to take some control of this situation. I would tell him "Look, once again, I'm sorry that this photo upset you so much. I can definitely see your point. But I wasn't looking at it that way. I am perfectly willing to have a discussion about boundaries and expectations going forward, and also would like to discuss how we handle conflict. But I can't sit around forever waiting to hear from you or to find out if I'm still in a relationship. If I don't hear back from you soon, I'm just going to assume that you don't wish to continue seeing me and that I should move on."

[reinventmyself]

I think what's happened here is that you are finding out at this early stage that you and your boyfriend have a different set of boundaries when it comes to interactions with members of the opposite sex. What you see as harmless fun with an old friend he sees as his girlfriend out being too flirty and letting other men get handsy with her. Perception is reality.

 

I don't think it's fair or right for your boyfriend to take this long to get back to you, however. I can see needing a few hours or even a day to think things over, but I don't think your boyfriend is honestly just conflicted and is still thinking about things. I think he is trying to punish you and wants to make you "sweat" a little longer. Even if he is still thinking things over, I don't think it's fair to you to make you wait 3 days without any form of communication. You two are supposed to be in a relationship; he can't just fall of the face of the Earth for days at a time every time something bothers him. That's too painful for the other person.

 

In your shoes, I would attempt to take some control of this situation. I would tell him "Look, once again, I'm sorry that this photo upset you so much. I can definitely see your point. But I wasn't looking at it that way. I am perfectly willing to have a discussion about boundaries and expectations going forward, and also would like to discuss how we handle conflict. But I can't sit around forever waiting to hear from you or to find out if I'm still in a relationship. If I don't hear back from you soon, I'm just going to assume that you don't wish to continue seeing me and that I should move on."

 

^^^ this. Well said. (and from a man TMifune. . eh em')

[TMifune]

I understand your point, TM, but I respectfully ask, at what point would you consider his "taking time to think" has gone into punitive territory? I agree he deserves time to think -- and not just an hour or two -- and I think his feelings are totally valid, but I wonder at what point you'd say it's likely he's NOT going to get past this and the relationship is over? (Or, that the relationship isn't salvageable because they have VERY different ways of handling conflict).

 

He has a right to be upset if he found the picture upsetting. He is not obligated to immediately accept her apology and act like nothing happened; however, at some point, he's going to have to talk to her about all this OR call the relationship off, and I'm wondering at what point she should consider that he's not willing to talk to her and the relationship is over. If he just leaves her hanging, and refuses to talk, then there is no relationship, and I would say if he lets this go for more than a week without trying to talk, it's done.

 

Krankor pretty much took the words out of my fingers here:

 

In your shoes, I would attempt to take some control of this situation. I would tell him "Look, once again, I'm sorry that this photo upset you so much. I can definitely see your point. But I wasn't looking at it that way. I am perfectly willing to have a discussion about boundaries and expectations going forward, and also would like to discuss how we handle conflict. But I can't sit around forever waiting to hear from you or to find out if I'm still in a relationship. If I don't hear back from you soon, I'm just going to assume that you don't wish to continue seeing me and that I should move on."

 

As for "how long". I really can't say. That would be a function of how much OP wants the relationship to work out coupled with what her tolerance for his behavior is. I think exactly what Krankor suggests is probably the best thing to do.....and I'd recommend doing it BEFORE she's completely fed up. If she's completely fed up it's just time to walk and move on.

[notalady]

Agree with Krankor's well thought out response and his suggested message.

[browneyedgirl36]

Agree with Krankor's well thought out response and his suggested message.

 

Same here.

[TMifune]

^^^ this. Well said. (and from a man TMifune. . eh em')

 

I think people get a little caught up in taking offense at what I'm saying to actually see what I'm saying. Krankor's bottom paragraph is scary close to something I was thinking about posting so I'm not sure that's really the "gotcha" your post would seem to imply.

 

This might blow your mind because I didn't say anything, but I think your comment about agreeing on or at least specifying a time limit was a good idea. It removes the ambiguity of when / if some one will ever hear from you again.

[TMifune]

I use the terms man-up and women-up when referring to situations when either sex needs to put on there big-boy or girl pants and act like an adult. Hope that clarifies it for you.

 

The rest of your post is overly sarcastic and totally unnecessary, so i'm not going to clarify what I mean by how often he should be "updating" her.

 

The post was somewhat serious if tongue-in-cheek. It's actually another version of the same question browneeydgirl asked me. How long is too long? I'm sorry if you found that offensive.