Ex Husband said he is sorry...So what?

[membername]

After he filed for divorce going on 3yrs ago after leaving me for another months before. Which I had no idea existed. Up that whole episode we were pretty happy, or so I thought. I was truly blindsided as was family and friends. Just basically tossed me like yesterday's garbage. After 14yrs together...

 

My now ex husband has contacted me out of the blue to say he is sorry for how horrible he treated me and said I deserved better and asked for forgiveness. He also left me the same year we lost our newborn son. He used his birthday to call me as an excuse to do something (don't know how seeing as he is in another country). That set me off - I told him no.

 

Few months after the divorce he engaged the woman he left me for and was married soon after. He then moved to another country with her. He should be happy no?

 

I have done what I have to move on and continue to. I'm in a new relationship which has great potential and in someways showed me what I was missing and what I thought was happiness, well turns out wasnt. I would say for the most part I am over him. And I'm not stupid to think that men who leave their wife and life for the mistress, got married to her will get back together with the wife he left her for.. I'll quicker see a unicorn tap dance. There is just nostalgia - for me its treasuring a time I didn't know what darkness would come after. My current relationship - while challenging, is more rewarding and exciting. So I'm starting to see my pain and grief was all for a purpose.

 

I highly value marriage, I knew from young I believed in true love and sole mates. Even in this world. I loved him truly unconditionally but never received that. There was something always wrong with me, never with him.

 

I wouldnt want to go back to him. And I know that isnt even a option. In my mind, he died. He shouldnt be taking up my mindspace or any space for that matter. I know this probably won't bring closure. Cause for every question he answers I would have another question. Im very analytical - Probably a little too analytical...

 

Truth be told, I think I did forgive him ages ago. I fought for my marriage doing everything I could for as long as I could. But his mind was made up. He schemed and stomped his feet til he got his way. If you weren't with him you were against him.

 

I have heard that he is not happy and is apparently going thru something regret and come to Jesus moment. I hate that I have a apparent soft spot for him. When he initially called my first emotion was worry..

 

I composed a message but while it is for me. Asking him to look at why its is important to know I forgave him. That I actually did - which is why I fought for my marriage. That i just dont understand why he even contacted me. Do I bother send this to him. Or do I leave him be. I don't want it to turn into a 'thing'. Its exhausting, pointless, stupid, wasteful and just doesnt matter. And at our break up i have probably sent him messages tallying to a book of feelings which overshadows his content to me. There was little or no true explanation only blame towards me. I agree with him, I deserve more. He calls/texts me when I'm sure his new mrs isn't around. How would she feel that he wanted to do something with me? Or he contacted me saying these things. If I were her, not comfortable with that idea. Yes, I am such a sap - I wonder her feelings when she gave no thought to mine.

 

 

Sorry to leave a long message. Thanks for listening. Yes, I am a mess of a person.

[Clinton]

No, don't bother continuing contact. It obviously has an effect on you. And you're right, this won't bring any real closure. Only you can do that for yourself.

[membername]

Thank you

[DancingFool]

Ah so he came seeking forgiveness from you....why? So he can feel better while leaving you all churned up and feeling low all over again? How "nice" and "considerate" of him. Yup, he is still the same selfish man who left you for selfish purposes and sounds like was always selfish to begin with. The only thing to send to him would be a curt text of don't ever contact me again, but really.....wouldn't give him even that satisfaction. Silence sometimes is the most eloquent speaker.

 

My advice to you is block him, request friends and family to refrain from discussing him or passing along any information about him to you and if they start up, just cut them off and change topic. Other than that, focus on your present life and relationship. As you said yourself, it has shown you what you've been missing all this time and would still be missing if he was in your life. Ultimately, as you might be realizing, it's not about marriage, it's about the quality of your relationship and the person you are with.

[surfdiva]

First, I'm SO sorry for the loss of your son, so very tragic and I'm sorry you had to go through that.

 

As for your ex apologizing. Mine did that as well, years after the marriage was over. I think (just my opinion) as years and time goes on they realize the pain and damage they've caused and feel compelled to cleanse their own mind. It's for purely selfish reasons (again, my opinion). It's to release the burden they feel without realizing that opening that wound is painful for us.

 

Either way, I hope you have some closure. Take care.

[Knot2loud]

Just expressing yourself the way you did has probably helped. Personally, I think you'll be fine.

 

I did have to chuckle about one thing about your ex... He thought the grass was greener on the other side of the fence. Well, it appears as though the grass has a lot of weeds in it.

[redswim30]

I am going to disagree with some others here, and say that someone apologizing is always a good thing.

 

And forgiveness is always a good thing.

 

I don't think it's always for "selfish reasons" or "to make themselves feel better". I truly think that sometimes people do learn and grow from their mistakes, and wish to make amends.

 

I had a friend in my past who treated me poorly, we stopped being friends. Years later, she apologized for how she had treated me. I gladly accepted it and I'm glad I did.

 

If I had the chance with someone I had wronged, I would apologize too. Because I am grown up and matured, because I am actually sorry and because I feel it is the right thing to do.

 

 

OP, as far as your ex goes, take his apology at face value (his "reasons" for doing so don't really matter in the long run)- accept it and move on with your life.

[dave_1966]

I'm slightly different to the above comment, I don't offer forgiveness at all because they can't even get through to me in any way. I would have blocked them very shortly after they did whatever sh1tty thing they did.

[membername]

Thank you all for your replies (And you Surfdiva for your condolences), truly. I’ve never posted about what I went thru on a forum and had anxiety when I did today. But I wanted unbiased opinions. It has been a very long 3yrs for me. I carried on when I had truly no idea how I could, I could never allow myself to lose myself to all that came at me. I have ways to go still, I know. And yes, it felt good to let my part of what I’ve been thru out. What I said was the tip of the iceberg of how he changed.

 

What he did was so out of character for him that family and friends thought he was dying lol. It was like a switch went off and he just walked out of his life.Yes, he truly thought the grass was greener. I would love to really believe he is sincere in his apology and has as he said realised what he’s done. But, I do think he apologies as surfgirl said. To make it ok with him. Before now, there was nothing from him since we finalized things from the divorce about 2yrs ago. Last year he was busy getting engaged, planning and having a wedding europe or wherever and then moving with her to another country. There he knows no one but her and no one knows what they did like here. So now they have to look at each other.

 

 

@Dave - Well he called me from a new number. I have blocked him on social media. But I was caught off guard with the strange number lol

[kbbcoop77]

My ex wife gave me the "for what it's worth I am sorry"....for cheating and leaving me with our daughter while you go live your fabulous cheater life?? Screw her.

[thejigsup]

Forgiveness is humanity at its best. Holding grudges? Not humanity at its best. Forgive him and let the past be the past.

[membername]

Thank you all for your replies (And you Surfdiva for your condolences), truly. I’ve never posted about what I went thru on a forum and had anxiety when I did today. But I wanted unbiased opinions. It has been a very long 3yrs for me. I carried on when I had truly no idea how I could, I could never allow myself to lose myself to all that came at me. I have ways to go still, I know. And yes, it felt good to let my part of what I’ve been thru out. What I said was the tip of the iceberg of how he changed.

 

What he did was so out of character for him that family and friends thought he was dying. It was like a switch went off and he just walked out of his life.Yes, he truly thought the grass was greener. I would love to really believe he is sincere in his apology and has as he said realized what he’s done. But, I do think he apologies as surfgirl said. To make it ok with him. Before now, there was nothing from him since we finalized things from the divorce about 2yrs ago. Last year he was busy getting engaged, planning and having a wedding europe or wherever and then moving with her to another country. There he knows no one but her and no one knows what they did like here. So now they have to look at each other.

 

I have pretty much forgiven him which is why I fought hard to save our marriage as I did. What I have not forgiven him for is the hurtful things he said about our son. But I don't need to. He has to live with the things he said.

 

If I do send it, it will be for me and not to start a discourse with him. I don't want to be old and grey in my rocking chair thinking "I shoulda sent that bleeping message"...

[membername]

I'm sorry to drag this back up. I KNOW I shouldn't be thinking about this guy, I'm sure he isn't thinking about me. This is stupid. I feel stupid even writing this. But since the last time we spoke I can't shake him. I can't talk to anyone around me cause, I don't want to be 'that person' that's talking about her ex husband. Folks have their own problems.

 

I was getting GOOD. Like I said, I moved onto a relationship with someone that I see the difference than those of my ex. He has treated me better in during the course of our relationship than my ex did our entire relationship. However, he is not without flaws too. But still. I pushed and did what I had to do to move on. I cleared my house of our momentums from our relationship. I'm even looking to move from this place cause I can't move on in this place.

 

Everything I've done since I realized he done was to move FORWARD. I move on putting in my mind that my ex died, it was the only way. For the past 3 yrs, I've just been moving on and doing what I can. Cause I know he’s not coming back. I grew up in a house of divorce. So I know what to expect. The husbands DON'T come back. Even if they do, they don't stay. I KNOW ALL THIS.

 

I know ALL what is wrong with him. But he was also (BEFORE he went rogue with an affair) a good husband, we were a team. He was, my first love and the father of my son. We went thru so much. But he truly changed overnight on me. Folks think the loss of our son sent him "off". I as well as others told him this, but he wasn't hearing it. He was so cold and calculating when he left me. The things he did were as surprising and hurtful as him leaving me. Friends would say they don't know him and I would say 'Imagine how I feel' cause I really didn't know him. After doing reading I suspect he is a narcissist of sort.

 

Why? Why can't I shake this? Why are these feelings being dragged back up? I blocked him on fb for me, not him. Not on my phone cause, well I truly never thought he would contact me.

 

Thing is too. All he said was he was sorry and he knows the pain he caused me, and he can't imagine what I went thru. That he is not lying now. what can he do to prove it (whatever 'it' is) He wants to do something with me for our son's birthday. Nothing to say he WANTS to come back. But I've heard he's been telling people he regrets all what he's done. There are also other things but they didn’t want to say. But why tell me all this?

 

And more importantly why is he on my mind? I wish I could be emotionless like him.

 

Thank you all for listening…...again….

[Wiseman2]

Agree. For whatever reason, to take personal inventory be accountable, who knows?, he decided to apologize. Let sleeping dogs lie. You are in a happy new relationship why contaminate it with old wounds.

No, don't bother continuing contact. It obviously has an effect on you. And you're right, this won't bring any real closure. Only you can do that for yourself.

[ParisPaulette]

Your feelings are coming back up now, because he's trying to contact you and be a part of your life again. That's why it hurts plus you have a shared trauma together, the loss of your son, for which I give my deepest condolences by the way. Truly, no parent should ever have to know that pain.

 

Now, on to the business at hand. You're possibly having more trouble with this, because you are a different person than your ex. For you loyalty and working things out meant something, for him not so much. And it's not usually the good times that are a true indication of how people really are, it's when things turn dark. So you've kind of gotten a front row seat to how your ex-husband behaves when life goes dark. And unfortunately, it's life. We all have dark times and it's often then you find out who really has your back and who doesn't. And the blunt truth is your ex did not have your back at a time when you needed him the most. And while that is something you can forgive, forgiveness does not mean forgetting or giving the other person a complete pass on what they did.

 

Forgiveness is about letting go of anger and moving on with your life. It's actually much more for the person who was betrayed, not for the betrayer really. But too many people think if you forgive someone that means they are allowed to come back as if nothing happened and simply resume life with the betrayer now able to move forward and forget what they did. And too many people who apologize just assume that if you forgive them that's the way it's going to be too.

 

And nothing really could be further from the truth. Forgiveness is not about opening the door to let someone back in who brought you pain.

 

Whatever motive your ex has for contacting you, be it guilt or now he's unhappy in this current marriage or he's worried about frying in the afterlife or he just maybe has developed a taste for having a woman outside of his marriage he can lean on for sympathy and to make him feel better or something else entirely like pressure from family and friends etc. this one fact remains: True forgiveness of what he did lies within you, not him. And it's not your job to make him now feel better about himself, that's his job. And if he can't do that alone, maybe he needs to see a therapist. I do think him turning to you for comfort is going to be very bad for the both of you, because it again sort of reeks of him running away rather than facing his problems by himself, for himself.

 

I'm torn here, because I do feel any contact with this man will give him a reason to now slot you into the position that his now wife once had--woman outside of my marriage who makes me feel good about myself and who I can go to instead of focusing on the real issues to hand. To that end no contact is your friend. On the other hand, maybe he sincerely does feel bad and is trying in his own way to make amends. I think the way he's doing it is horribly misguided, but this is someone we all already know wasn't absolutely sane about his decisions.

 

To that end I think if you really have forgiven him there is nothing wrong with sending him a text or email stating that you have forgiven him, you've moved on and are now in a good new relationship, and that this is the last he will ever hear from you. That while you forgive him, you do not want him in your life again. And then you urge him to go and see a therapist to work on his own issues and to stop going to other people outside of his marriage if that's making him unhappy.

 

In short, you can forgive, but maybe establish a clear boundary between you and him that you are not there to be his therapist and make him feel good about himself. That if he wants that he needs to find a professional and work things out honestly and fully. Then you block and delete him, tell your new guy what's been happening, and move forward with your own life. Or you can just block and delete him. and if need be seen someone to talk about your son.

 

P.S. It is very telling to me that you mention the new guy treats you better than the ex did even in happier times. Don't lose sight of that either. And don't let the ex become a wedge between the two of you, which can sometimes happen.

 

Anyways sorry for the book, but I'm hoping maybe I'll give you some things to thing over here. I've had my own journey with forgiveness over a cheating ex, so yeah I know a bit about that. Forgiveness is for you, not them so much, and it's about letting go of the past, not repeating it.

[membername]

Your feelings are coming back up now, because he's trying to contact you and be a part of your life again. That's why it hurts plus you have a shared trauma together, the loss of your son, for which I give my deepest condolences by the way. Truly, no parent should ever have to know that pain.

 

Now, on to the business at hand. You're possibly having more trouble with this, because you are a different person than your ex. For you loyalty and working things out meant something, for him not so much. And it's not usually the good times that are a true indication of how people really are, it's when things turn dark. So you've kind of gotten a front row seat to how your ex-husband behaves when life goes dark. And unfortunately, it's life. We all have dark times and it's often then you find out who really has your back and who doesn't. And the blunt truth is your ex did not have your back at a time when you needed him the most. And while that is something you can forgive, forgiveness does not mean forgetting or giving the other person a complete pass on what they did.

 

Forgiveness is about letting go of anger and moving on with your life. It's actually much more for the person who was betrayed, not for the betrayer really. But too many people think if you forgive someone that means they are allowed to come back as if nothing happened and simply resume life with the betrayer now able to move forward and forget what they did. And too many people who apologize just assume that if you forgive them that's the way it's going to be too.

 

And nothing really could be further from the truth. Forgiveness is not about opening the door to let someone back in who brought you pain.

 

Whatever motive your ex has for contacting you, be it guilt or now he's unhappy in this current marriage or he's worried about frying in the afterlife or he just maybe has developed a taste for having a woman outside of his marriage he can lean on for sympathy and to make him feel better or something else entirely like pressure from family and friends etc. this one fact remains: True forgiveness of what he did lies within you, not him. And it's not your job to make him now feel better about himself, that's his job. And if he can't do that alone, maybe he needs to see a therapist. I do think him turning to you for comfort is going to be very bad for the both of you, because it again sort of reeks of him running away rather than facing his problems by himself, for himself.

 

I'm torn here, because I do feel any contact with this man will give him a reason to now slot you into the position that his now wife once had--woman outside of my marriage who makes me feel good about myself and who I can go to instead of focusing on the real issues to hand. To that end no contact is your friend. On the other hand, maybe he sincerely does feel bad and is trying in his own way to make amends. I think the way he's doing it is horribly misguided, but this is someone we all already know wasn't absolutely sane about his decisions.

 

To that end I think if you really have forgiven him there is nothing wrong with sending him a text or email stating that you have forgiven him, you've moved on and are now in a good new relationship, and that this is the last he will ever hear from you. That while you forgive him, you do not want him in your life again. And then you urge him to go and see a therapist to work on his own issues and to stop going to other people outside of his marriage if that's making him unhappy.

 

In short, you can forgive, but maybe establish a clear boundary between you and him that you are not there to be his therapist and make him feel good about himself. That if he wants that he needs to find a professional and work things out honestly and fully. Then you block and delete him, tell your new guy what's been happening, and move forward with your own life. Or you can just block and delete him. and if need be seen someone to talk about your son.

 

P.S. It is very telling to me that you mention the new guy treats you better than the ex did even in happier times. Don't lose sight of that either. And don't let the ex become a wedge between the two of you, which can sometimes happen.

 

Anyways sorry for the book, but I'm hoping maybe I'll give you some things to thing over here. I've had my own journey with forgiveness over a cheating ex, so yeah I know a bit about that. Forgiveness is for you, not them so much, and it's about letting go of the past, not repeating it.

 

I just want to say Thank you DancingFool & Clinton Dancingfool your post was true.

 

ParisPaulette- Thank you soo much for the 'book' lol. Don't even think about it You pointed out and reminded me of somethings which really resonated. This guy not only bailed when I needed him most. Shows his character and moral code and that he IS repeating that cycle with his new Mrs. I always knew he was a weak person always easily influenced. But I truly never believed he would have done what he did. The person he has become is a stranger, (even to his friends and fam) even after he left - during the divorce he wanted me under that bus hard. He attacked not only me but people I care about and I just shook my head at that behavior.

 

But your post really spoke to me. I did forgive him, after all he did and he did heinous things not only to me but people I care about. I just have to trek on my course in my new life. I am not the same person he walked out on. I dont want to be. He pulled my strings - I will admit when he called. I always wanted to protect him, - but that was never my job. You're right I am different from him - human.

 

Sometimes I even wonder what would have happened had my son lived. He would have walked out on us still. (in the message also) cause it is who he is after all. My son being here or not would not change his core values.

 

He walked out - I was left with ALL things US. Even now I'd find videos or pics and ...it's tuff. I was the one hiding from social events cause I didn't want to answer questions have the pity looks or worse run into them. I gave up all our friends. Few showed true and stood up for me. He never had to deal with that. He denied any wrong doing and carried on like normal. In fact he could not understand why folks were mad at him. He got to forget it all and start fresh. - Or maybe not as it seems. I may never really know what was going on in that squirrel brain of his. He's trying to play safe, obviously. Feeling out my reactions. But his approach is just ALL wrong. He tried to use our son. I'm going to see red and set you. And I'm also hearing things from friends that have me suspecting there a reason for his "crisis". He always thought he was smarter than everyone - but he just looks so obvious. When he moved to another country I was so happy - cause I could go about free ( I know it may seem silly). Thing is I never asked or brought him up. The information would come to me lol. And every time I would just raise an eyebrow cause its just bizarre.

 

Like I said, I KNEW what he was trying - But I guess My love (which sad to say I apparently do have) is for the person he faked to be. I have to remind myself of that. I have the message drafted - at this moment I don't want to waste energy to send it. But who knows. I may be like - SEND and then block him. But I just don't want him to know he got to me.

 

My BF does know about him contacting me immediately and also he was pissed he understood and took it in stride. He knows all about my divorce and all what the ex did. I told him not knowing what his reaction would be, but because I want him to fully know what is going on with me. I have not told him fully the emotional turmoil the ex contacting me has caused in fact - I haven't really told anyone fully. This also is why I may leave the message with me.

 

But I agree and thank you all soo much ParisPaulette for your advice, really. I needed it. And Like I said - I can't talk to peeps around me about this cause I don't want to drain them with this silliness.

[ParisPaulette]

Move forward, live your life, time does take away the pain, distance brings more and more clarity. You will reach indifference. I went through a very bad six-year relationship before I met my current husband, one that really had me nearly suicidal at one point even. I came through it, and you sound like you are too.

 

Emotional turmoil is to be expected on this, really. Don't beat yourself up about it, like I said you have empathy and emotions and that does actually make you both vulnerable and yet much, much stronger than you likely even know. Those who can't feel are when it gets really bad.

 

I know what should be is often not what is, at least not right away. Turn away, never look back. let him fade with the passage of time. But yes, block and delete him and if you feel you need to send a final message that there will be no further contact, ever. Then let it go and move on.

 

Let him reap what he has sown on his own, at his own hand. Truthfully, it sounds like he's his own worst enemy and is going to do himself in with no help from anyone else anyways. Some people are just not bright enough to realize if they crap on those who would have stood by them they can't cry when they find themselves alone later down the line. That he even thinks he should contact you now is kind of incredible and speaks to the fact this guy just doesn't quite have both oars in the water.

 

And that's the real issue I suppose. A sane person would not have done what he did. Fill your life with good people who love you and have your back, have a blessed life, be happy and remember your son. It's all I can tell you to do and I wish you all the best now and in the future.

[membername]

I agree with time. I remember when I was fighting for my marriage. I really thought I was done, there was nothing else past that point. But now I just want to hug my old self and give her a pat on the back. I know I've really dealt with alot and even now still cleaning up crumbs from my divorce. Am I 100%? No, but I see a life ahead of me that is great. My ex, I think of him as tho he passed away. It was my only way to move on. And for the most part it worked. And in a way it is true imo, the person I thought I knew - Died. There is now an impostor posing as him. It may sound stupid. But I really don't know this 'person'.

 

It was like a ghost contacting me from beyond. So all the feelings and emotions came screaming back up to the surface. My life 3yrs ago was so different. I was happy, but now see I could've been happier. I had a grand life, but now see it could have been grander. I had great love, but see it should have been greater.

 

Life is just too weird....

[JA0371]

There are some things that you simply cannot undue with an apology. Cheating and abandoning a marriage is definetely one of them. A simple 'I'm sorry blah blah blah is just b.s. to ask for a separation and to try and work things out is a completely different matter. This sort of stuff destroys people's basic trust in absolutely everyone. My dad was a serial cheater and that leaves lots if trust and abandonment issues in my psyche even though I fight hard against it.

 

Forgiveness is never for the other person. It's for yourself. Forgiving and forgetting is incredibly hard to do.....though necessary in order to truly get over it. Sometimes that simply isn't possible. Depending on the scar left.

 

I am guessing your ex is having serious issues with this woman...or maybe she did the same thing to him. So let him deal with the consequences.

 

If it were me I wouldn't have even heard him out. Just way too much time has passed for it to be sincere.

Jmo.

[membername]

Thanks JA0371,

 

I agree, my father cheated on my mother throughout their marriage and left when I was young. He left her for one of them, not only walked out on her but us as well. It was no shock to anyone (unlike what happened to me), infact it was for the best cause everyone knew how he was. I have forgiven him whether he cares or not. I'm over it.

 

My ex, really did a Jekyll and Hyde switch. Literally everyone that has heard what happened are shocked. They knew US. And I was just as shocked. It was alot for me to deal with that year. We'd just bought a place, lost or son, my husband lost his mind and bailed. Like I said I've been fighting to keep my head above water since, was just at a place where I was in perspective. I've seen and realized things within my marriage that even tho we were truly happy. Could have been more.

 

Last yr I had to renew my license and a guy said something like "Geez 5yrs already. And what his life has been since he was last at the DMV" And i just thought to myself what MY life has been thru the past 5yrs and the 180 of all changes since I'd last been there.

 

He has issues (DUUH). He was always somewhat fickle. Always swayed and I would have to guide him. Nothing like infidelity. He was truly always immature. But I loved that and accepted him for it.

 

I'm sorry really to be on this, but as a friend said I've spent a large time of my life with him. We were together for 14yrs. It was US. He was my best friend, my partner, my lover, my husband, and the father of my son. He was who I CHOSE to spend my days with. I really never thought this would be the out come. As ParisPaulette said "what should be is often not what is". Had you told me 3yrs ago my life would be totally different I wouldn't have dreamed it.

 

When he contacted me I wasn't expecting it. I honestly thought it was a wrong number lol. When I did converse it was over IM cause I just couldn't talk to him. I wanted answers. I wanted to know if he would actually say what it was he wanted. But I always end up with more questions and a puzzle to piece together. It's annoying. Hence a reason why that message isn't sent.

 

I do feel sorry for him. Even when I know I shouldn't. My heart breaks thinking of what type of person he'd be had my son still be with us. I'd have to deal with a divorce and him being a let down to my son. I have to fight my instinct reaction to help him cause I never could stand seeing him hurt. I KNEW what was going on and told him. I told him he never grieved our son correctly. He said truly hurtful things about him. That he now says I heard wrong. But it was very clear. Everyone and anyone spoke to him to talk sense and yet there were those that could have helped that didnt cause they didnt want to be involved. He wasn't hearing it. Things like that just show you so much about people and you do learn alot.

 

I fought very hard for my marriage. I did any and everything I could think of. I even wrote her a letter and personally dropped it in her mail box. I told her he is not himself. Leave him be and her reputation is tarnished cause of this. I really truly wanted to know how a so called woman could do that knowing what she knew about what we've been thru. But she wasn't a woman. She was a girl that wanted her way as was he.

 

It was a trauma I endured. Thats why I react the way I do towards him cause HE was supposed to have my back, not feed me to the wolves. My ex never saw me as good enough. There was always something about me that needed fixing. He projected his issues and shortcomings onto me. He was the disaster and yet - I need help. It was a mindf**k. I'm not perfect, but I know I'm a good hearted person.

 

I wish I could shake these feelings I've have since he contacted me. It does have my in a funk.

 

I'm rambling lol sorry.

 

I'm really glad I found this forum. You guys gave sound advice. And if more want to give I welcome it.

[Hermes]

Here goes:

 

 

[Wiseman2]

A blast from a painful past is often unwelcome no matter how much someone else may want to clear their conscience. Luckily his departure, no matter how mind-bending it was at the time, is a blessing. Your relationship with him was unstable and further strained and his response was escapism.

I'm in a new relationship which has great potential and in someways showed me what I was missing and what I thought was happiness.

[reinventmyself]

(advise from a therapist)

To be on the look out for when people apologize.

 

It's often only an attempt to relieve their own discomfort and has very little to do with you.

There are some that have true remorse and regret and want to make amends. It's up to you to know the difference.

 

If this is solely for his own peace of mind, it's actually a selfish act to contact you and reopen that door and require something from you.

 

As others have already mentioned, forgiveness is for you. It comes from you and a gift for yourself.

Let it be his own responsibility to learn to forgive himself. Considering everything you owe him nothing.

[Miss Firecracker]

Aww, how sweet.

 

You should call his wife and tell her how happy you are.

[membername]

LOL someone did say i should, but naah.

 

Aww, how sweet.

 

You should call his wife and tell her how happy you are.