Social Media Gone Too Far

[louala]

My fiancé and I have been together for a little over two years, engaged for 6 months. I have always been a little self conscious and lately I have been really down because of some things that have happened. I am by "beauty standards" extremely good looking, intelligent, and have a great sense of humor. I know that looks aren't everything, but I feel threatened in my relationship. I know the whole "guys look at women for their entire lives" spiel and I'm not looking for that. Basically, the past several times my fiancé has gone to search something on Instagram I've noticed that the overwhelming majority of his searches are of other women. We are in our mid twenties and he is a teacher. It's bizarre to me that he is looking up his high school aged, female, students. BIZARRE!!! They are children and I am a women. This is so creepy to me. It's even more bizarre that he felt the need to share one of the girls' pictures with his two other male teacher friends. Apparently they had a message going between them talking about their students. He then deleted the thread. Neither of them even have a girlfriend. I am infuriated, and terribly upset. Is this normal? Is the fact that he wouldn't tell me what he said about her a bad thing? Was he just trying to protect my feelings because he was trying to be one of the guys? Does he mean what he said or is it just all talk? I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking for him hiding another woman from me. He has basically dismissed my feelings about all of this, said that's just how guys are, and ignored me. He told me I'm the only one for him, but...I don't feel that way. I've never felt so disrespected or bad about myself in a relationship before. Feeling like this is killing my sex drive, and making me want to crawl into a hole. Do I just have to "get over it"? Can we move past something like this? Is it because he's so young?

 

Edit: this was part of his message to me last night... "I took a screen shot of that instagram post. I did it because X & Y and I were talking about students. They sent similar posts. I didn't mean to disrespect you or make you feel insecure. I love you with all of my heart and do not want to have anything or feel anything with anyone else.. you are my person. I love you. Again, I am really sorry."

[Clinton]

Well, cyber stalking your students is inappropriate behaviour in my books. I think you are well within your rights to be upset.

 

As to what you can do, lay down the law and if his behavior doesnt change, leave.

[alli]

He's looking up the Instagram account of his female high school students? It's one thing to just browse women's photos, it's another thing that these are both underage and girls he actually knows and sees in school every day. I wouldn't be cool with staying with someone who does that. If he is attracted to them and is obviously doing things to feed that attraction rather than pushing it away he could get himself in some trouble real quick. Not to mention, ew. If I was a high school student I would be uncomfortable with my male teachers looking up my photos online. Aside from the fact that I barely had an email address in high school, much less Facebook or Instagram.

[mhowe]

He has basically dismissed my feelings about all of this, said that's just how guys are, and ignored me.

 

I would suggest that you do not marry this fellow until this collection of nonsense is explored in marriage counseling.

[Seraphim]

I'm sorry no ,that's not "just how guys are "'looking up underage girls. I would run the hell away.

[JA0371]

Three words......

 

Jared from Subway....

 

I think it's extremely in appropriate of any man to be looking at high school aged girls...but especially a teacher.

Trust your gut!!!

[Snny]

So do they happen to be English teachers? I would be happy to take their full-time teaching contract considering how difficult it is to get into the field.

 

I had a coworker who found out her ex-husband (teacher) was getting with a student. She is now divorced.

 

That's disgusting. You really need to drop him. I would also let the school system know.

[redswim30]

Don't let this guy suck you into his rhetoric.

 

Looking up his own students? EW!!! Underage girls in general is very creepy.

 

I don't like how he blamed his friends, this show extreme immaturity on his part. He has to do something because his friends did? It's worrisome that he'd use that excuse.

 

He may love you, etc. But I think you have a right to be upset. He only apologized because he got caught. I would NOT blow this off if I were you.

If he were caught, he could be fired or imprisoned!!!! He can try and minimize how icky this is, but you should NOT!!!! And I wouldn't take his simple little apology, this wasn't just porn, this is serious and potentially dangerous stuff. The fact that is acting like it's no big deal is just as concerning as the fact that he did it.

 

I think you two need to work through this before you marry him. His behavior is disturbing on multiple levels.

[DoF]

That is completely inappropriate and disrespectful....borderline ILLEGAL!

 

Behavior of a little BOY, not a MAN that is a TEACHER.

[lostandhurt]

It is called boundaries.

 

You both need to sit down and have that talk. You tell him what you think is appropriate behavior in a relationship is and he tells you what he thinks and then you compromise and come to an understanding or break up.

 

Being a male teacher puts you under the microscope and what he is doing is at the very least stupid and at the worst creepy. If the dad of one of these girls knew he was doing this he would get a visit real quick.

 

The first conversation you need to have with him is why is he looking at school age girls and doesn't he see anything wrong with it? Saying all guys do it is simply not true. They are children no matter how they dress act or anything else.

 

He is walking on very thin ice here and you need to help him pull his head out and see just how close he is to being terminated and possibly beaten up by some father.

 

Lost

 

PS I just read all your other threads about this guy. You do a lot of checking up on him on social media. Why is that?

 

He has had some questionable behavior over the years and you both sound young so do you really think he has grown up enough to be married? Putting aside the creepy part of looking at high school girls, is he mature enough for marriage? I don't think so. He acts like a freshmen and has idiot good time buddies you don't like.

 

My two cents

[kathy679]

I think it's creepy that he is looking up high.school children. They are as I say children. What's even creepier is that he is doing it in a group with other men. Any one could be a paedophile. People are married to them as well as engaged. If I was you I would keep an eye on him to see if it runs deeper!

[Liraele]

I re-read this a couple of times before responding. I don't see that he actually said anything about guys looking at girls their whole lives, just that you are familiar with this spiel....that he wouldn't tell you what was said. Nor do you say what types of pictures he was looking at, just that they were of female students. All in all, people are jumping to a LOT of conclusions considering how vague your post was.

 

This post, to me at least, just screams to your insecurities as a female human. Which is OK. It's OKAY to be insecure, to have self-doubt, to question, question, question. It's normal. Even the most confident among us have their moments. What isn't OK, though...is projecting your insecurities onto someone else and turning them into a lascivious scenario because you're insecure.

 

Could he have been saying/doing something inappropriate? Sure. Could he and his peers have been having a conversation about a student that he felt was none of your business? Sure. Is it your business? Maybe, maybe not.

 

Student/Teacher affairs do happen. That doesn't mean that is what was going on here, or even that he was looking at them in that way. At my teen's school, the teachers keep tabs on Instagram/Social Media of teens they consider "high risk" - those who act promiscuous, who are maybe not closely monitored by their parents, who they just generally care and worry about. These are their kids, too. It's not something they advertise, but it is something I've noticed over time - as my teen's peers have come under scrutiny by their peers and by teaching staff.

 

Now, that doesn't mean that what he and the others were doing is innocent. It's possible it's not. To me, however, it sounds like you have some stuff going on in your own head that you need to work out. Do you want to spend your life with someone that you're going to be constantly worrying about because he's going to be exposed to "younger/hotter" females (nature of the job) while you continue to grow older? Or can you overcome that insecurity and trust that this person you know and claim to love is actually trustworthy, and confront your own insecurities in order to kick them to the curb rather than him?

 

I don't really have a good answer for you, other than that I think you need to do some introspecting and reflecting. I could be way off base and there is something to be concerned about here...but my vibe from your post is that this has more to do with you than with him.

 

Either way, hugs and love. Take care of you!

[JustWishing]

I think it is odd that he deleted the thread right after, but....of course you could always give him the benefit of a doubt. Maybe he is covering up for his teacher buddy who is doing things he is not supposed to and he just doesn't want you to know about it, because he knows it is immoral!

[alli]

 

At my teen's school, the teachers keep tabs on Instagram/Social Media of teens they consider "high risk" - those who act promiscuous, who are maybe not closely monitored by their parents, who they just generally care and worry about. These are their kids, too. It's not something they advertise, but it is something I've noticed over time - as my teen's peers have come under scrutiny by their peers and by teaching staff.

 

That actually crossed my mind before I posted as well. That maybe he is just seeing what they are doing online as a way of monitoring for their welfare. But if that was the case he would probably be watching out for the male students too right? If he was concerned about promiscuity and teens having sex when they should be focused on school... well, I don't see the point in monitoring the female students only as they are (for the most part) probably not sleeping with each other.

[Liraele]

That actually crossed my mind before I posted as well. That maybe he is just seeing what they are doing online as a way of monitoring for their welfare. But if that was the case he would probably be watching out for the male students too right? If he was concerned about promiscuity and teens having sex when they should be focused on school... well, I don't see the point in monitoring the female students only as they are (for the most part) probably not sleeping with each other.

 

The ratio of teen females to males posting on IG (and posting what I'd consider "risky" photos) would be quite a bit higher, I would imagine (again, looking at who in my teen's school is on IG, so I don't think this is totally out of left field)....so it being predominantly females that the teachers are keeping tabs via that social network on wouldn't be completely illogical or out of the realm of possibility.

 

Her post was just too vague for me to immediately jump to the "He's a perv, bail!" conclusion.

[louala]

I really appreciate your reply, thanks so much.

[Knot2loud]

It's not creepy... It's "freaking" creepy!!!

 

I'd reconsider the relationship just to find out where the head on his shoulders really is.

[Snny]

I re-read this a couple of times before responding. I don't see that he actually said anything about guys looking at girls their whole lives, just that you are familiar with this spiel....that he wouldn't tell you what was said. Nor do you say what types of pictures he was looking at, just that they were of female students. All in all, people are jumping to a LOT of conclusions considering how vague your post was.

I have been through multiple teacher training workshops (I am a temp atm), and ever single training I attended - in three different states - all tell you to never befriend students on social media. A teacher risks their professional relationship AND career once that line has been crossed. It's a dark gray area that many school districts frown upon. And if I were a parent, I would not be comfortable with a teacher being THAT close with my child. They are a mentor, not a friend.

 

t my teen's school, the teachers keep tabs on Instagram/Social Media of teens they consider "high risk" - those who act promiscuous, who are maybe not closely monitored by their parents

I'm sorry, what kind of school is this? That is not a teacher's job. If a teacher suspects there is something going on with a student at home, they need to report it to counseling department of their school building or child protection services depending on what the case is- especially if it's a highly sexual student. They should not be conducting investigations on their own by having access to a student's personal social media page- it's a major risk to a teacher's career no matter if it's something innocent.

 

Also if I were a parent, I wouldn't want my child's teacher "keeping tabs" on my son/daughter by following them on social media. I would show up to school with a lawyer and demanding a conference with the principal and board of Ed members in a heartbeat if I found out a teacher was targeting my child beyond the classroom. It's very unethical.

[Seraphim]

Absolutely. As a parent if I found out a teacher was scoping out my child's social media I would probably kick their rump. That is MY job. And if it teacher has concern about a child they should report it to the proper authorities.

[redswim30]

Yep. All of this. Even in extreme benefit of the doubt, it is still unethical with a opposite sex teacher to be on social media with or have pictures of an underage student. No good can come of this.

A teacher is not a counselor and it is NOT their job to "monitor promiscuity". That is just all kinds of wrong, even if well-intentioned.

Again, under the wrong circumstances this could result in jail time. Right now, my kid's school is investigating an inappropriate student/teacher relationship.

OP, this isn't harmless and something you NEED to take seriously.