indea08 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Would you be okay with your SO going on a three day weekend trip to a cabin on a lake with a coed group of people (you've met some, most you haven't) to celebrate a 21st birthday? Link to comment
Clinton Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Yes. Having said that why wouldn't you accompany him? Link to comment
DoF Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Group of people? Define that little more. Are they FRIENDS? Are they friends of your relationship? Are they single? Will there be single members of opposite sex? All of the answers to above matter and would play a big role. If we are talking bunch of friends in committed relationships, that are friends of your relationship and no single opposite sex, sounds find to me. Problem is, at that age, most people don't realize/know who their real friends are, they have 0 concept or care about "friends of relationship" and prefer opposite sex companion even while in a relationship. Link to comment
indea08 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 Most are single. I can't go, we have a 2 year old daughter and I work. They are not friends of the relationship. They're his friends. I've met like three of them at most. We've been together 1 year. Link to comment
BigKK Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 yes of course, you're cradle robbing a little? He needs to have his fun with friends regardless...you either trust him or you don't Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 was it planned with the knowledge that it would be difficult for you to attend with your schedule and that you'd likely not be able to go? if the invitation was given early enough- i would've asked to have the date off work early and also arranged for a babysitter. is it common for you two to spend celebrations apart? Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 If you don't know the people...yeah, I would be okay with it. Link to comment
indea08 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 It's common for him to spend ALOT of time with friends. It's been our biggest issue. I feel like seeing friends daily is ridiculous. He's fortunate enough to not have to worry about full time work or college. We do contract work (3 mo's at a time) and he stays home with baby girl during those and our time off in between he wants to play all the time. I think 21 is too old for that. Time to have a full time job. And people here have said "he's 21, let him be a kid, he's not ready for a full time family." But he chooses to be here knowing the responsibilities so I'm not giving that pass. Stay and be an adult or go and be a kid. He's done MUCH better...I just wanted others opinions on this upcoming birthday thing. Link to comment
TMifune Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 It's common for him to spend ALOT of time with friends. It's been our biggest issue. I feel like seeing friends daily is ridiculous. He's fortunate enough to not have to worry about full time work or college. We do contract work (3 mo's at a time) and he stays home with baby girl during those and our time off in between he wants to play all the time. I think 21 is too old for that. Time to have a full time job. And people here have said "he's 21, let him be a kid, he's not ready for a full time family." But he chooses to be here knowing the responsibilities so I'm not giving that pass. Stay and be an adult or go and be a kid. He's done MUCH better...I just wanted others opinions on this upcoming birthday thing. If your daughter is also his daughter, then the time for him being a kid has passed, I don't care how old he is. Does the trip make you uncomfortable? Link to comment
Fudgie Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I think this is an example of the maturity gap between you two. Not saying the relationship is DOOOMED or anything, there's just a bit of a gap. You're 25 and he's 21...and this is what most 21 year olds too. I get the feeling that you are kind of waiting and hoping for him to "grow up" soon. My feeling is...let him go. I say that because I can't imagine it going over well if you say "no" at this time. I feel like that would lead to more resentment. Link to comment
indea08 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 He's not her sperm donor (he never comes around, his choice) but in all other aspects he's her "daddy", and he's a great one. I guess it kinda makes me uncomfortable, I wouldn't be asking if it didn't right? The guys I have met, I don't really like their attitudes (ie: that is hot, this cougar was wearing this tiny bikini and we were yelling NICE TITTIES but when you dress like that you ask for it, etc.) and I don't know the girls. IMO being around them made me feel like I was in a high school locker room. But I'm trying to keep an open mind and be judgmental. They're nice enough, we just seem to live in totally different worlds. Link to comment
indea08 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 I can't let him go. My daughter adores him, and he adores her. Yes our age gap SUCKS at times but the love in our family is enough to stay for. Link to comment
TMifune Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 He's not her sperm donor (he never comes around, his choice) but in all other aspects he's her "daddy", and he's a great one. I guess it kinda makes me uncomfortable, I wouldn't be asking if it didn't right? The guys I have met, I don't really like their attitudes (ie: that is hot, this cougar was wearing this tiny bikini and we were yelling NICE TITTIES but when you dress like that you ask for it, etc.) and I don't know the girls. IMO being around them made me feel like I was in a high school locker room. But I'm trying to keep an open mind and be judgmental. They're nice enough, we just seem to live in totally different worlds. Right, but does he get to have it both ways? Can he be the responsible FATHER of your little family and run around and play and be crude? Link to comment
relevart Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I can't let him go. My daughter adores him, and he adores her. Yes our age gap SUCKS at times but the love in our family is enough to stay for. There you go then. If he has done nothing to make you not trust him, I don't see where making this an issue is going to help. I do see it from both points of view though. But it sounds like he's a great dad to your daughter. I almost feel like pointing out the your daughter part, since there is a previous sperm donor, but I suspect you know how awesome he is to be this stand up guy in many, if not all, ways. Don't judge him by his friends. At his age, most of my friends in hindsight were jerks and every single one of them grew up to be stand up guys. Link to comment
Dcgent Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Considering he is not your daughters father, he is 21, you have only been dating for a year, etc... You should absolutely let him go hang out with friends from time to time. If you don't like it in the long run, then you need to find a man that fits the mold you are looking for. If there is mutual respect in the relationship, there should not be an issue with him going for a weekend with friends. Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 His decision to be with you and YOUR daughter should not preclude him from enjoying his friends. Link to comment
Snny Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 The guys I have met, I don't really like their attitudes (ie: that is hot, this cougar was wearing this tiny bikini and we were yelling NICE TITTIES but when you dress like that you ask for it, etc.) Sounds like my husband's raunchy friends. If I were you, I would consider it a HUGE blessing that you aren't going. I wouldn't want to be stuck with that crowd and have my weekend ruined. Link to comment
indea08 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 His decision to be with you and YOUR daughter should not preclude him from enjoying his friends. On a daily basis, yes, it does. Link to comment
TMifune Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 On a daily basis, yes, it does. So if I read this right, you're not worried he'd cheat on you on the trip, you're just generally feeling like he prioritizes his friends over you? Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I can't let him go. My daughter adores him, and he adores her. Yes our age gap SUCKS at times but the love in our family is enough to stay for. Doesn't sound like it. You can tell what a person's priority is by how they spend their time. If it's with friends and not the family, that is is priority, ergo, that's what he truly loves. Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 He is a babysitter during the day for your child, so when he wants to see his friends or go to the gym, it has to be at night. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 His decision to be with you and YOUR daughter should not preclude him from enjoying his friends. ^This. Also, either you trust him and know he is a good human being or you don't and you need to walk away. Trying to control someone or wanting them to be someone else is not exactly a healthy approach to a relationship. The harsh fact is that he owes you nothing when it comes to being a family man. If he is being one to whatever extent, then you really should appreciate that and not try to stop him from being social and having other things in his life besides being a dad to a child who is not his. Link to comment
indea08 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 The people who say "you are lucky he's choosing to be a dad to your daughter" clearly have never been single parents. If she were 10 and her sperm donor were a father, okay....but she was ONE when he came around, with NO father, and I made it CLEAR that when I find "the one", HE will be her father and if he isn't up for that role, I'm not interested. He made the choice to stay. And continues to make the choice to stay. Anyways, none of this is relevant. He's a good partner, he's a good dad, he likes to play too much, we're still communicating to find a middle ground on that, there's an upcoming birthday party I was unsure about and again, I've gotten advice from "trust him" to "he's too immature". Apparently there is no "right" answer, it just depends on what WE feel is right. I'm just not sure what I feel is right. I've caved on many things for him, he's caved on many things for me...this is one issue we just can't seem to find a middle on. Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 And he will likely continue to stay until this same argument happens one time too many and he decides that he isn't ready for the responsibility of being a father to your daughter and all the restrictions that come with it. Link to comment
j.man Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 As someone who was raised by a single mother from baby to adult, yes, you are lucky to have another man who's willing to step in and be, by your own account, a good partner and father. Healthy relationships aren't about having to cave for each other or constantly having to find the middle. They're about being happy with your partner without them having to do either, or at least not frequently. If you're finding yourselves unable to be yourselves and having to frequently compromise your interests, that's not good. You're supposed to accept them for who they are, not how far they're willing to go to meet you. I really think that if you can find it in yourself to take a deep breath and wish him a fun weekend, you should let him go and have this. But if his friendship dynamic is a source of contention, I really think you should drop him altogether so that you two can each find someone more suitable, with whom you don't need to make such big compromises for things to work out. Link to comment
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