Yes or No and Why

[radiance]

Yes, because if I didn't trust a guy to spend three days away from me without being unfaithful, I wouldn't be with him.

[relevart]

So am I reading you right? You're willing to kick him to the curb if you find "The One"? You're letting him bond with your daughter and her with him and may one day just decide to kick him to the side of the road?

[indea08]

Well, then that will be on him, and when he grows out of it and realizes ten years later, they're all still about hanging out. On their moms couch. Because they didn't spend their time making a living, or raising a family, he'll be like "okay, I see what she meant."

 

Edit: OMG you guys reply fast. This is response to mhowe.

[j.man]

You missed Relevart's point completely. S/he (sorry, feel like I should have caught onto which it is by now) is talking about the impact it will have on your daughter, not him.

 

ETA: In light of your edit, disregard.

[indea08]

So am I reading you right? You're willing to kick him to the curb if you find "The One"? You're letting him bond with your daughter and her with him and may one day just decide to kick him to the side of the road?

 

What?? I told him when we started dating that the guy I marry will be her father. If he wasn't up for that, I wasn't interested in dating. I flat out said earlier I wouldn't leave him.

[relevart]

For future reference, j man, he!

[mhowe]

Does he have plans to marry you?

[relevart]

What?? I told him when we started dating that the guy I marry will be her father. If he wasn't up for that, I wasn't interested in dating. I flat out said earlier I wouldn't leave him.

But your daughter doesn't understand this. I thought you and this guy were in a relationship? Perhaps the question you should be asking isn't about a dude spending time with friends, but whether or not he should be living with you at all.

 

I'm so confused.

[melancholy123]

He should go. How much of this is trust on your part? Are you assuming there's going to be a lot of casual sex and he may get involved?

[RainyCoast]

how long did you two date before he was introduced to your daughter?

Because-i could be wrong, just going by the sounds of it- it appears you introduced him into the family unit as a father figure on "day one". and simply took his decision to stay with you as guarantee that he could/would from then on focus almost exclusively on family life.

 

Now, if i was a single mother who had just met up a very, very young man i would assume he'd be interested in "20y.o. stuff". if in time his behavior proved otherwise i'd start considering whether he could be an appropriate "father/family guy".

 

in any case, i think you'll have to let this birthday thing happen as planned. but i would ponder on it whether the decision and expectation that he'll focus on mostly being The Daddy was a sound one.

[indea08]

I somewhat agree. I don't think our compromises are that big though. And I think a relationship with someone who I don't need to make many compromises for is not a reality in my world. I work a lot, I live in a small town (I know everyone my age, grew up with them all), and I prefer to spend my free time with my daughter. She won't be small forever. She's where I need to be. And I've somehow managed to find her a great father, and I have no doubt that we'll all stay together. We just need help coming to an agreement on this issue.

[indea08]

Does he have plans to marry you?

 

Yes. He told me to plan for a wedding next summer (we'll be traveling so I need the heads up) and he said he intends to propose this year.

 

And before everyone freaks out, yes, we've dated for a year, but again, we grew up here, we've known each other for years.

[indea08]

how long did you two date before he was introduced to your daughter?

Because-i could be wrong, just going by the sounds of it- it appears you introduced him into the family unit as a father figure on "day one". and simply took his decision to stay with you as guarantee that he could/would from then on focus almost exclusively on family life.

 

Now, if i was a single mother who had just met up a very, very young man i would assume he'd be interested in "20y.o. stuff". if in time his behavior proved otherwise i'd start considering whether he could be an appropriate "father/family guy".

 

in any case, i think you'll have to let this birthday thing happen as planned. but i would ponder on it whether the decision and expectation that he'll focus on mostly being The Daddy was a sound one.

 

He knew her before we started dating. He's been my brothers best friend for years. We knew each other for years before we started dating.....

 

How does this always keep getting WAY off point.

[DancingFool]

Well, then that will be on him, and when he grows out of it and realizes ten years later, they're all still about hanging out. On their moms couch. Because they didn't spend their time making a living, or raising a family, he'll be like "okay, I see what she meant."

 

Edit: OMG you guys reply fast. This is response to mhowe.

 

Yes it is indeed on him. In fact, when, how or if he decides to "grow up" is entirely on him. Frankly, partying and being successful and responsible are not mutually exclusive. I do think that your demeanor is really misplaced in that I told him x, so now I own him and get to tell him how to live. You simply don't and he owes you nothing. I have to echo that one of these days there will be one argument and restriction too many and he'll walk out on you and that will be that.

 

Socializing and being responsible are not mutually exclusive. However, if your lifestyle and preferences and personalities are clashing, that's a whole separate issue. The issue is compatibility.

 

Bottom line is that if you can't trust him with a weekend trip, you shouldn't be with him. Personally, if I was tied up and my SO had something like that lined up, I wouldn't even think about it, but for wishing him a wonderful time. Yeah, I might be a little envious that I can't go, but....the idea of stopping him wouldn't cross my mind. If it did.....we have bigger issues than a weekend trip with friends.

[indea08]

He should go. How much of this is trust on your part? Are you assuming there's going to be a lot of casual sex and he may get involved?

 

No...if I'm completely honest with myself, it seems silly to think he'd cheat. He can't even keep my birthday present a secret, let alone something like that. And he's a GOOD person. He just wouldn't do it.

[DancingFool]

No...if I'm completely honest with myself, it seems silly to think he'd cheat. He can't even keep my birthday present a secret, let alone something like that. And he's a GOOD person. He just wouldn't do it.

 

So then what is really eating at you about this?

[indea08]

I don't really know...I'm just "ehhh" about it. I'm not freaking out, flat out against it, or telling him he can't go. I've not said anything to him about it. I don't know how I feel..That's why I asked how others would feel.

[RainyCoast]

It's common for him to spend ALOT of time with friends.

 

He likes to play too much

 

well if this is the case now that he's 21 it must've been the case when you met him and he was younger. So you kinda saw how you were getting him. It isn't off point. A 20 year old who still wants to be spending a lot of time with his rowdy friends and playing (whatever that means) will probably want to be doing this at 21 as well. and 22. and 24 maybe.

 

i don't know what you based your assessment of him as dad on and am not saying there weren't valuable points that we don't know of here. but just that his behavior...is kind of to be expected. and...that it would've been reasonable to have foresight of this.

 

for what it's worth,sounds like he does spend a lot of good quality time with the kid. so unless he's pressured and nagged too much he might just grow out of the rowdy gatherings. personally, if a man was being a wonderful partner and stepdad, i'd really not sweat over a three day weekend. i'd more likely consider it well-deserved chilling time.

[TMifune]

I don't really know...I'm just "ehhh" about it. I'm not freaking out, flat out against it, or telling him he can't go. I've not said anything to him about it. I don't know how I feel..That's why I asked how others would feel.

 

My hunch is still that this has nothing to do with the trip and is more about feeling like he doesn't prioritize you and your daughter over other things. The trip is just another perceived example.

[indea08]

for what it's worth,sounds like he does spend a lot of good quality time with the kid. so unless he's pressured and nagged too much he might just grow out of the rowdy gatherings. personally, if a man was being a wonderful partner and stepdad, i'd really not sweat over a three day weekend. i'd more likely consider it well-deserved chilling time.

 

I guess I pretty much agree with you. He does do well when he's here, and he's usually pretty respectful when he's not. And if I know he's trustworthy, no harm done.

[indea08]

My hunch is still that this has nothing to do with the trip and is more about feeling like he doesn't prioritize you and your daughter over other things. The trip is just another perceived example.

 

I definitely agree with you. A pile of argument that never really gets solved and each new event adds to it.

 

We've got to find an agreement on family time vs friend time vs phone time.

 

Side rant: Seriously I hate cell phones. Lol

[journeynow]

I don't really know...I'm just "ehhh" about it. I'm not freaking out, flat out against it, or telling him he can't go. I've not said anything to him about it. I don't know how I feel..That's why I asked how others would feel.

 

Would you do something similar if you had the opportunity, a weekend away with your friends, some who have partners along, and you'd get a chance to be child-free for a few days? Being a mother of a young child can be exhausting, and it is hard to find ways to handle the stress of it, partner or no.

[just4fun]

I guess it should be that we should be able to trust and be ok with them going. However, I think that once you are in a solid relationship then priorities change and the " single person activies" change to more couple or family focused things.

 

If I am honest, I would not be comfortable with it.

[indea08]

I guess it should be that we should be able to trust and be ok with them going. However, I think that once you are in a solid relationship then priorities change and the " single person activies" change to more couple or family focused things.

 

If I am honest, I would not be comfortable with it.

 

That's kinda where I am. But I'm 25 and I've been that way for about 5 years. He's not there yet. But he's close, and I think when we are 26 and 30, we'll be perfect.

 

Thanks for your input and honesty.

[Man with Dog]

Unless your bloke has "previous", I don't see why he shouldn't go. Chances are if he was a player, he'd find a way of cheating anyway.

 

On the wider question of him spending too much time with friends. I see your point. There's no right/wrong answer. My wife and I choose not to spend a lot of time away from each other and I only leave the house for work and shopping without her. Most people living together or married go out once or twice a week without their partners.

 

In my opinion, every night is excessive. He might continue doing it as long as you let him, even into his 80s. Some people are just like that. I think you must be on the same book if not page or chapter. You must both put your cards on the table and discuss what you are both prepared to accept.