Yes or No and Why

[Man with Dog]

That's kinda where I am. But I'm 25 and I've been that way for about 5 years. He's not there yet. But he's close, and I think when we are 26 and 30, we'll be perfect.

 

Thanks for your input and honesty.

 

I feel concerned for both of you that he might never get there.

[Snny]

If she were 10 and her sperm donor were a father, okay....but she was ONE when he came around, with NO father,

I have to ask... What is the back story on this? Why did you decide to have a child with no partner? My intention is not to judge, but to get a clear picture on your expectations/background.

[indea08]

He was intended to be a "fun buddy" that just got comfortable and turned into a relationship. But he was incredibly immature, can't hold a job, smoked weed a lot, no clue at all how to raise a kid, lived with his dad who was an even worse role model....

 

At the end of the day, he and I both knew he wasn't capable of being a "dad". He's a sweet guy, just completely clueless. So I promised him I wouldn't ask for child support, because I don't need it and he can't afford it and I'd rather not see him thrown in jail for not paying it. And we agreed he could know her as one of mommy's friends, but he doesn't ask to see her. The last time he saw her was over a year ago, and that was because he ran into us in town. Hasn't asked since. Of course I intend to tell my daughter the truth, when she can understand.

[journeynow]

Thanks for clarifying. Referring to him as a "sperm donor" makes it sound like you wanted to have a baby and intentionally sought a supply of sperm to make it possible. He can still be referred to as the biological father, and he's not in the picture.

[FreedomRing]

Were you invited on this cabin trip? Why can't you get someone to watch your daughter so you can guys can enjoy his birthday together(it's CO-ED!!)?

 

I think you resent the fact that he has more freedom (and chooses to exercise it) as he chooses. Similarly to the way he can choose when he wants to be 'family dad' whereas you're obligated to your child and have less opportunities..

[superfan]

I feel like I would need to give two different answers to this given the context you have provided.

 

Scenario 1: He parties almost daily with his friends (as you have said already) and it is a running source of contention that he doesn't make enough time for you and your family. In this particular instance I don't think I would be OK with it. Not because the trip is Co-ed, but because a weekend trip in a long line of batchelor party behavior does not show a respect or commitment to the relationship. You cannot control what he does, but you can realize that even though he SAYS he chooses you and your daughter, his actions are saying otherwise. You can choose to wait to see if he grows up or you can read the writing on the wall now. Only you know whether it is worth it.

 

Scenario 2: If he was in all other ways an attentive and present partner, I would have absolutely zero problems with him having a weekend trip away with his buddies (and female friends). It is healthy for couples to spend SOME time apart and as others have said, if you are worried about there being females present that suggests a deeper lack of trust than maybe even you realize.

 

I hope this is helpful. I would maybe sit down and have a talk with him about why this is making you uncomfortable and see if any compromise can be reached. Is the cabin far away? Does he have to be there the entire weekend? Can he dedicate the following weekend entirely to the two of you and your daughter?

[Vastaux]

Errrrr, yes? Ofcourse he can go... Why shouldn't be be "allowed" to go? When you get into a relationship with someone you do not own that person, you have to trust them. If you don't trust him then there's bigger issues here than whether he goes away for a 3 day weekened.

 

Believe it or not some guys can be faithful and keep it in their pants when they are in a relationship, that's what your afraid of right? He's going to cheat.

 

If you try and make this am issue at all you will drive him away. He's 21 and has got involved with a woman with a daughter, that takes a bigger man than even I claim to be, I wouldn't date someone with a daughter.

 

So give him a bit more benefit of the doubt, be happy for him to go and enjoy himself and you enjoy a weekend alone with your daughter.

 

Don't try and make problems unless a problem exists.