Vastaux

The last time i heard from my ex, she e-mailed me... i too had that same struggle and i decided not to reply, i felt to myself "what would i gain from replying"... I havent heard from her since. So her desire to contact me obviously want that important. I do not know your story so i cannot tell you what to do but maybe think the same as i did. What would you gain from replying to him...? If the answer is nothing then dont reply, if he is desperate for an answer he will contact you again or find another way to get it, if you dont hear from him again then atleast you know you was right in ignoring.

Day 30(1 month yesterday) A bad day atm, i am wondering how she is, the longest i had done previous was 11 days, so i have already cleared that by a country mile... the thing keeping me going atm is that i dont want to be faced with the torment of "its day 1" again, i did that enough. I would love to contact her, see how she is... but i know it wont help. I still think about her everyday though... it's been just over 8 months... will this ever end?!!!!!!

Okkkk, day 8 today... the morning of day 8 in fact and im almost close to breaking point, i can do the first week pretty much no problem and now i'm seriously waining, got the word preocessor up trying to think of things to send her... even though she didnt respond to my last e-mail a before the NC. Feeling very lost right now, i havent broke it yet... i hope i get through the day! My head is telling me there's no point and she probably either has blocked me or hates me that much she wont reply but my heart keeps sayin g"yeah but you love her so you need to tell her how you feel"... I'm trying to fight 2 things at once ha! One thing that may be in my favour is although i am writeing things to say, much like the other day my head seems to be winning at the last minute and i dont send, hopefully this trend will continue! Only 12 more hours till bed! *Sigh*

No dreams last night (Hooray)... Think my focus and the soon adventure of moving is filling up my time, it really is good to have something else to think about, i have had occasions today where she has entered my mind but i quickly resumed what i was doing, yesterday was hopefully a blip in the path to recovery! I found a draw that has quite a few old xmas cards and valentines cards from her, I'm a sucker and kept things like that, i felt sad when i read a card she sent after 1 year together but i didnt break down like i once would, i dont think i'm ready to get rid of them yet, i'll just pack them up and store them away for now. A good day on the whole, Day 6 here i come!

Ok, i'm going to stick to this posting each day deal, reading posts from people from years ago certainly helps, to see the transition from broken to well on their way, 30 days will not cure anyone but it seems to be a stepping stone to getting there! It's weird reading posts from people who were going through this while i was 2 years into my 4 1/2 year relationship, who could of predicted i'd be here now?! I hope my posts help someone in 3 years time as others have helped me. Oh how i've been on day 4 so many times The good thing is it is getting easier the first few days of N/C, before saturday it was 11 days... I fell apart this morning, i had 3 dreams/nightmares in the same night it seems, each 1 about her, each 1 i awoke from... i cant remember specifics but what i have got is the gut feeling that she has found someone else, Like they say Twins know what the other is feeling or when people who are close knows when the other is in trouble even the other side of the world. thats the only way i can explain this feeling. I wrote an e-mail earlier... was all up for sending it, then about 3/4 of the way through i started writeing sentences like "I know this will achieve nothing". I thought to myself well whats the point, i have kept it though, too look back on in the future. It has been a bad day but at the same time rather fulfilling, got confirmation of my move-in date to my new apartment in 1 week time, first time i'll be living on my own and not with parents, i'm also leaving town so i'm excited at the prospect of a completely new life, i can do nothing but grow from this situation. Kind of rambling now, but it certainly helps to put feelings down, I know that there is light at the end of this tunnel... After 7 months i sometimes see glimpses but i know that ultimately i still have a long way to go! But that doesnt scare me anywhere near as much as it did!

I saw you today, we looked directly at each other while both trying to pretend we wasn't seein each other, I thought I was growing strong... But it turned me I to a wreck, I would of come to say hi but I know that's not what you want. Im so angry this has turned me into a wreck and youve probably forgot you even saw me now, 3 hours later. It is killing me inside as it dawned on me I'll probably never see you again or talk to you again as I'm moving away... Something which when I said id be doing it you fobbed me off saying I said that last year. Well I'm doing it, not directly to be away from you, to be closer to work but it helps knowing I wot ever get a chance to run into you with someone else, as today proves if I saw that it would destroy me! I'm not going far, only 30 mins away but far enough so I won't need to return to here. I want to tell you, I do but I feel it's best if I just disappear... You probably wouldn't care anyway and why should you?! Btw, you looked amazing today, do beautiful! I hope your ok x

I hear ya friend! screwed up 2 weeks NC on christmas eve due to sending a card, then e-mailing boxing day... Christmas and new years broke me... luckily now thats all out of the way! Day 1 for me here, thought i'd tie it in neatly with new years... it kind of hit me last night and today that she didnt think of me enough to send any sort of happy new year message or christmas greetings for that fact... and i feel my card to her was mocked by her and her family... I have a different feeling than previous attempts, this time i want to do it for me, previously its been about seeing if she would miss me, or calming down tention to try and reconcile again but i think i have realised after beign on here alot the past couple of weeks that i am whats most important! Here's hoping i stick to it from here on out... i keep wondering to myself what i will feel like 31/12/2012, where i'll be in life, who i'll be with, will i be happy... i cant say, but i think any chance of happiness now does not involve her, its a hard fact to realise but whoever said this break-up malarky was easy... Day 1 out of the way almost, roll on day 2

Day 2, it was 12 but i sent her a christmas card Friday Night... gutted i got no reply. I didnt put anything slushy in it, merely a mature "Happy christmas and a wonderful new year, best wishes, ______". Starting to feel like i didnt know here at all, like while we was together it was just an act as 4 1/2 years together she never was that kind of person to just ignore etc, i expected atleast a text.... I feel angry, angry at myself for days contemplating whether i send it or not, and angry at myself for thinking i would be perceived as the bad one if i didnt (she complained i never acknowledged her birthday)... I feel anger and resentment towards her, i want so badly to write a nasty e-mail ripping into her but i know i will not feel better for it... only content as i hit the send button the sad because i gave in. I think , yesterday and today it has finally dawned on me... this.is.it... i will probably never speak to her again as she gets a new phone today so number changed, been 3 months since i saw her in person and i promised myself i would never do a stalkery thing like turning up unnannounced. Totally gutted... woke up this morning... on christmas day... and even before i could register i was awake first thing i thought about was her... I dont know how i'll cope for the next week as we it'll be first time in 5 years i'll be spending new years eve without her... I'm not even certain i actually want her back now though, its been so long feeling like this... i am just scared of beign alone.... Happy christmas to you all