Tinder Review Turns into Epiphany/Rant

[faraday]

Which might be good, because then maybe OLD would FINALLY crash and burn, forcing us all to go back to the good old pre-OLD days!!!

 

You can, pumpkin. Don't take your phone out with you anymore- spend time talking to people while you're waiting for a table at a restaurant. Say "hi" to people in check out lines, or when you're both waiting to cross the street. Ask the person in front of you at the coffee shop if they've tried that scone before, or what coffee they would recommend.

 

Just because others are online...doesn't mean you can't live your life exactly how you want to. Just remember to smile when you approach someone new

 

Be the change, yo xoxoxo

[John John]

I'd follow it, but I might get jealous hearing about all those hot NY women you date

 

I will share the wealth if you ever come to NYC my friend! Who knows, OLD might work out well for you here lol

 

And faraday - love ya. And I guess I should change my username to "MCJDPumpkin." I'm kinda serious ...

[lifesatrip]

I don't know, maybe. However when I was online dating, (I'm female), I'd get too many messages to actually meet all of the guys that seemed like great people. At first I tried to meet as many as possible, and I was literally going on 3 to 4 new dates per week, but that was exhausting. I found that no matter how appealing someone seems online, it does not mean they will even be in the ballpark of a good match in person. Even when I was going on a lot of new dates, I was not meeting a lot of potential matches. Many were great, attractive people, but we didn't clique, and some were creeps. I realized that I had to limit how many people I met in order to avoid getting burned out. Unfortunately that meant that I sometimes didn't respond to people who I was actually interested in getting to know. I stopped doing online dating because I was getting burned out and discouraged even though I was getting plenty of messages. If I try it again, I think I will be even more selective in who I respond to. I think I will only respond to people if I have a strong intuition that there might be something kindred, and will focus my energy on meeting people in real life. This could well lead me to become a regular who does not meet up with many people, but not because I'm in it for an ego boost.

 

I think many women experience this in online dating. A friend of mine who lives in a big city literally gets hundreds of messages. I know it sucks for guys, but in my opinion it doesn't indicate that most women are doing online dating simply for some shallow ego boost. I think the lack of responses are more of a result of how we've been socialized to approach the dating process. Men are expected to ask, women to wait to be asked. So women get way more messages. Also, many men who are only looking for something casual (but not necessarily stating this in their profile) are messaging women, so this also contributes to the huge influx of messages in women's inboxes. In addition, perhaps some of these female "regulars" are odd/unique people who would not clique with most people, so they do not attempt meeting up with most people. Or they do regularly meet people, but it never works out, often from the guy's side (I have a friend who consistently experiences this-and there's nothing wrong with her other than the fact that she feels a bit insecure in terms of dating). Plenty of women who get a lot of messages face a lot of rejection from guys once they actually meet up with them, making them gun-shy about meeting new people. I'm not saying there aren't women who are on dating sites only for the attention and ego boosts, but none of the women I know who have been on dating sites for a long time meet this description.

[Sportster2005]

. Plenty of women who get a lot of messages face a lot of rejection from guys once they actually meet up with them, making them gun-shy about meeting new people. I'm not saying there aren't women who are on dating sites only for the attention and ego boosts, but none of the women I know who have been on dating sites for a long time meet this description.

 

Unfortunately I think there's a tendency to put too much emphasis on the negatives. One bad meeting or experience seems to be remembered more easily than the three pleasant coffees with someone you just didn't click with. As a I said in an earlier post, sometimes it's easy to throw the baby out with the bathwater when the discussion of OLD comes up.

 

It does work. I know of examples around me. I've met some great friends. And the reality is I've messed up, and I'm sure I'm someone's horror story. At the end of the day, I don't think it's going to get any less frustrating. The key is to remain positive regardless of how frustrating it can be.

[nekoxchaos]

I've been OLD on and off for a few years , I would get tons of views / messages around the time I reopen my account but it would eventually slow down

 

I live in NYC so there's tons of "competition " while I've gone on only on a handful of dates I really don't get tons of messages as guys would think

 

I've met some dudes , experienced ghosting / fades to the point where I've grown a thicker skin so each disappointment has made me more detached but I've grown jaded ( maybe it's a good thing ? ;-P )

 

Currently I disabled my account because the thought of having to look through profiles just makes me shudder and the fact that I live in a big city with so many amazing / gorgeous women just makes me want to give up all together

 

I would like to get back on it again one day but I feel like I really need to just have a lot more confidence

[Ms Darcy]

We don't judge people who prefer to date people who are not overweight or only people they are physically attracted to, right?

 

I would not have dated someone who wanted to date me because my skin or eye color might result in a child who looked a certain way. That preference would feel creepy to me - at the very least. To each her/his own.

 

Two interesting parts about this. I was recently in a place in the northeast (about 2 hours from NYC, New Jersey, etc.) where there were a ton of couples. And MOST of the women were very overweight or obese and only a few of the men with them were overweight. I mean consistently. And I observed a similar thing when I went to a wedding in North Carolina a month ago.

 

I think this probably proves MCJD right in all that he's been saying as I kept saying I never really observed that. So, I found it rather fascinating.

 

Batya's point about dating for genetic purposes in their children made me think. I also wonder if some people (women) have a height thing unintentionally. As in, they don't want short children.

[John John]

Batya's point about dating for genetic purposes in their children made me think. I also wonder if some people (women) have a height thing unintentionally. As in, they don't want short children.

 

I think sometimes this is why very petite women (like 5'3/5'2 and below) insist on dating very tall men. When we talk about height, I see two common combinations around NYC: couples where the guy is short-average (like myself) with an equal height woman, or a VERY short woman with a VERY tall man. I myself usually end up with average-ish women (the girl I'm seeing now is about 5'4"/5'5", so we're about even when she puts on her highest heels since my shoes give me an inch anyways).

 

I have never dated for "genetic" reasons...when I'm attracted to a woman, I'm not thinking of hypothetical future children (or even children with her). Everyone is entitled to their own preferences, and we're not going to be everyone's cup of tea. I'm on the lower end of average height for guys, and I can honestly say I've only ever been called short on Tinder (I remember two girls both stopped talking to me when I told them I was a tad over 5'8" lol). I think height discrimination online (starting at below 5'10", but under 5'7" and I'd imagine it gets really bad) is a result of three things:

 

1. Not all women really know what some of these heights look like in real life

2. Unrealistic expecations (women use the NBA for their height standards)/OLD ego inflation

3. Women inflating height cutoffs due to men who add on 2-3 inches (they're ok with 5'8", but might say 5'11" and up, kinda like when you tell that friend who isn't punctual to be there 2 hours early so they're on time)

 

I also wish that women (particularly very petite women) would realize that mating with a tall man does NOT guarantee you tall or even average height children. I read somewhere (I could be wrong, don't quote me on this) that the mother's height genes are more dominant than the father's (thanks, mom.)...and I know a few couples where this has proven to be there.

 

That said, once again, live and let live. Everyone's entitled to their own preferences, also some of the reasons make little sense to me personally.

[Rosti87]

Yes, I do believe a tall mother is what determines the child's height.

[hilarious]

Sportster... I understand and I agree with almost everything or all what you say but you really sound very bitter. Take it easy. I don't and I will never understand women the same way they dont understand us. We have to accept that they are different but they are not deamons. At least not all of them. Also you have to see that the women get hundreds of messages and it is just overwhelming, they cant manage. Or you become a pro online "player" or forget it, too much work. BY player I dont mean to lie, but to understand that you really have to standout in a huge crowd.

 

If you got 200 messages and 50 of them were from fit blondes, and 15 a good match, you would also make them priority and ignore all the other good women if you have ha full time job and are a very busy person.

[John John]

Sportster isn't bitter at all, I don't think. I actually think he has a great attitude, all things considered. I'd say he's more frustrated, and is just voicing the collective frustrations of many men (I share just about all of his sentiments) when it comes to OLD.

[Batya33]

Two interesting parts about this. I was recently in a place in the northeast (about 2 hours from NYC, New Jersey, etc.) where there were a ton of couples. And MOST of the women were very overweight or obese and only a few of the men with them were overweight. I mean consistently. And I observed a similar thing when I went to a wedding in North Carolina a month ago.

 

I think this probably proves MCJD right in all that he's been saying as I kept saying I never really observed that. So, I found it rather fascinating.

 

Batya's point about dating for genetic purposes in their children made me think. I also wonder if some people (women) have a height thing unintentionally. As in, they don't want short children.

 

I think many of these women were slim when they first met their husbands. I have not gained weight since I got married and in fact am slimmer than before I got married (because I get so much exercise taking care of my son and am also neurotic about doing a cardio workout every single day). I have genetics on my side but am also focused on maintaining a slim, healthy weight and I make choices accordingly (I can see where the genetics plays a role though!). I have several friends who put on weight after getting married (some after getting engaged but many wanted to be slim on their wedding day). I am not judging but noting that there does seem to be a choice that is made "I got my man, I can relax now" or "I got my man, getting the baby weight off is really hard but he doesn't care, he loves me with a few extra pounds so I don't care as much either".

[Rosti87]

Sportster can be sarcastic, but I don't think he is bitter.

[John John]

Sounds terrible, but if I were married and my wife let herself go and blimped out...not cool. I don't intend to ever let myself go, I always want to look good lol I love the attention too much (and the confidence it gives me). It's totally understandable if she gains weight during pregnancy, and also totally understandable that pregnancy weight can take a while (like a year) to come off completely. But, at least make an effort to lose it and at least try to get back to the weight you were before! lol

 

I mean...I did Invisalign when I was in the middle of a 5 year relationship. Even though I was comfortable with her, I'm always about maintaining and improving where I can, and I did it for myself anyway.

[hilarious]

I don't know him, I'm not here often. I sensed some frustration, sounded bitter to me. Also I am talking just about the first post. Did not read the rest.

 

Anyway I think the probability for successful online dating is low and I understand that if women get hundreds of messages per day, that is hard to manage.

[Sportster2005]

I don't know him, I'm not here often. I sensed some frustration, sounded bitter to me. Also I am talking just about the first post. Did not read the rest.

 

Anyway I think the probability for successful online dating is low and I understand that if women get hundreds of messages per day, that is hard to manage.

 

Nope, not bitter. I do get frustrated, but not for long. I still think I'm going to meet her IRL. That's how I met my one girlfriend since the divorce, and I how I met the only two women I really, really would love to spend time with. Especially one.... sigh, anyways. Thanks for your posts.

 

Me sarcastic?

 

Many people, I suspect, would love to have the complaint of having too much email.

[treesandbees]

I think you need to have a lot of trust for people ( esp. strangers) and the whole OLD process to even sign up and get started and right at that starting off line I can't ...hats off to those who can though. Hope you find who best suits you, Sportster2005.

[Batya33]

I think you need to have a lot of trust for people ( esp. strangers) and the whole OLD process to even sign up and get started and right at that starting off line I can't ...hats off to those who can though. Hope you find who best suits you, Sportster2005.

 

I didn't think I needed that much trust to meet a stranger in a public place for coffee. I do think it's a bad idea to have expectations beyond having a pleasant time chatting with a stranger and I personally think it's not safe to meet without at least one phone call. I did trust that the person most likely would not try to harm me in that public place or harm me afterwards. I was assaulted (but not with any lasting physical injury) by someone I met through an on line site -because I foolishly went back to his apartment the second time we met. Nothing to do with how we met - I would have done the same had I met him first in real life. He also assaulted/harassed a number of other women I knew. There are always those risks whether in real life or on line especially if you go back to someone's apartment.

[Fudgie]

^ I agree, Batya. I don't think you need to be more trusting than others to do OLD. I'm actually really not that trusting of a person and I had relationships come out of OLD. Giving someone your phone number/meeting up in a public coffeehouse requires little to no trust at all. I can always block someone from calling/texting me and he's not going to assault me in public.

[happpybear]

^^I agree, a stranger is a stranger whether you meet the online or offline or through a friend. You always have to be cautious and take-care of yourself and your safety. If anything, I was even more cautious with guys I met from OLD.

 

Even meeting potential dates through friends can be dodgy, I had a weird experience with a man that I had been set-up with by friends. Reality is that you never really know how someone will be when it comes to dating/relationships, you could meet a friend of a friend or be set-up and think that because your friends know that person, then they must be ok....but they could have creepy stalker tendencies or be a first class a**hat in a relationship and your friends may have no clue about that because they have a different relationship dynamic with that person...

[treesandbees]

Hi, Batya... I had an incident in '09 but unrelated to OLD ( because I have never explored it myself) Sorry about what happened to you as well. I think for me it is overall trust that anything the OLD accounts say is even true, and also trusting that the process could work for me. I don't think it would, I basically always meet people on my own or through male and female friends. I know people who met people on regular websites and clicked with each other and that was more successful then anyone I know who joined a OLD website. I know myself well enough to know with how I am I best not attempt it myself...but wishes others trying nothing but the best and hope they can find a real true and lasting love.

[Batya33]

Hi, Batya... I had an incident in '09 but unrelated to OLD ( because I have never explored it myself) Sorry about what happened to you as well. I think for me it is overall trust that anything the OLD accounts say is even true, and also trusting that the process could work for me. I don't think it would, I basically always meet people on my own or through male and female friends. I know people who met people on regular websites and clicked with each other and that was more successful then anyone I know who joined a OLD website. I know myself well enough to know with how I am I best not attempt it myself...but wishes others trying nothing but the best and hope they can find a real true and lasting love.

 

 

I didn't need to trust that it would work because I know there are no guarantees. I treated it equally to meeting people in person because I never dated on line -I met the person in real life ASAP and proceeded as if we always had.

[BeaTlesFan77]

I couldn't agree more with this Sportster! Everything you said is reasons for me not wanting to do online dating anymore. I have a few more thoughts.

 

* You can be anybody online and you never know who is behind the screen. Case in point people who get killed by those they meet from Craigslist. Yes I know you could meet someone out and about and it could be the same situation.

 

* I think because of technology like Tinder you hardly see anyone out anymore. Buddy of mine and I went out on a Saturday night to various spots and none of them were hopping. This wasn't on a holiday weekend either. He made the remark "What is everyone on Tinder tonight or something?!". It wasn't the weather either as it was before the summer here in Phoenix.

 

* Also because of Tinder there is the "next best thing" trend of thinking.

 

* Then last September was my favorite reason for not wanting to do online dating anymore. Talked to this gal on Match for a good month until we met up. We both liked sci-fi, x-men, comics, etc. She already knew what I looked like from face and full body pictures. Then after our date, the next day she tells me we have nothing in common and didn't want to go out again. So both our times were wasted for a month for nothing.

 

In closing I just want to be able to find a girl I like while out and about. Talk to her a little to see what she's interested in, confidently get her number, and then plan a date for us based on what we talked about. Eliminate all this stupid game playing from technology like Tinder and other online dating sites that rip you off.

[Fudgie]

I can understand your frustration completely but I think the bad part in here was that you waited a month before meeting up. That's why it was such a let-down for you.

Also, I've noticed that people can lie about their interests online. It's really BS but people do it. I've told guys in the past that I really like Star Wars and they were like "really?" like they didn't believe me. Any dumb girl can say "durrr I like Star Wars" and endear herself to guys really quickly, but when they find out that she was BSing, then they don't take other women seriously when they have those interests. Like, really? Do I need to show my thoroughly worn VHS set? The photo from when I was 10 y/o and went as C-3PO for Halloween? Geez.

 

But you know, a quick online chat, followed by a coffee meet, and you can flesh things out pretty quickly and see if they are for real.

 

You can meet gals online much in the same way that you would meet them off the street. Just as you said: talk to her, see what you're both into, get her number, plan a date, done. You just need to get to the "meeting" part quicker and I think you'd be a lot less disappointed.

[BeaTlesFan77]

I'd like to see you as C-3PO from when you were 10. LOL!

 

You do make a good point in that I should have tried to have moved it offline faster. What happened was that she typically took at least two or three days to respond and her answers were short. Then I also recall she had taken a vacation during that time where she didn't respond at all. So that's what had also caused the whole thing to be dragged out as long as it was. I remembered being afraid that if I tried too soon to ask for phone numbers I would have scared her off.

[BigKK]

* I think because of technology like Tinder you hardly see anyone out anymore. Buddy of mine and I went out on a Saturday night to various spots and none of them were hopping. This wasn't on a holiday weekend either. He made the remark "What is everyone on Tinder tonight or something?!". It wasn't the weather either as it was before the summer here in Phoenix.

 

It's because it's summer time in Arizona...all of you guys and gals are here