Tinder Review Turns into Epiphany/Rant

[itsallgrand]

^Awesome. Mail order bride ad. So you are living in the Philippines, right? lol.

[Helpexpressme]

I have said it before, and I'll say it again. You'll have better luck with foreign women. Certainly there are good and bad ones, but if you find a good one like I did, it is worth the time and money spent.

 

I did like you, and tried internet dating here with miserable results. I was lucky if I got a response back on POF, link removed, or Ok Cupid. E-Harmony is garbage, and over-priced. Finally I tried link removed, and found my wonderful Filipina fiance.

 

You will get a LOT of replies on foreign sites, and will feel like a rock star almost, but use caution. Don't send money to anyone you have never met in person. The good ones will not ask either.

 

Of course people would have luck on ANYforeign site. Just send them the money, and here comes your bride.

[LoveSoDeep]

I have to agree with those that say being a person of color makes OLD harder...its sad. I think it can make dating in general more difficult. I'm not so picky that I'm not open to other cultures but there are some I avoid because they usually don't mesh for other reasons like religious differences.

 

I had a friend who was from the Caribbean....so not African American by culture but by looks about the same. She is gorgeous! Tall, slender, well educated and even has a fun accent, but she had the worst time with dating she even gave up for years lamenting "There is no Love!" often and loudly. lol What made it worse was that she wasn't attracted to African American men and they didn't get it....it was about culture not physical characteristics....she felt she fit in more with older Caucasian men (and I have to agree personality wise that was true). After 5 years she finally met the man of her dreams in the elevator and they are now happily married.

 

So maybe OLD isn't the way to go when you are a minority or are looking for a minority.

[Hermes]

Lobo said:

 

"Don't send money to anyone you have never met in person. The good ones will not ask either."

[cobblestone]

For minorities, for the most part online dating isn't the way to go. In person, I'm able to highlight more of my positive personality traits. Online, I'm not even qualified for a chance to meet them, let alone get a right swipe. Being a short guy with an ethnic background, I've had to compensate with personality. I have a friend who's tall and white. For him, it's like shooting fish in a barrel with a shotgun. He doesn't message anyone, he just gets messaged constantly.

 

It really sucks to say this, but sometimes I wish I were white. It took not fitting in 'in school to make me feel ashamed of my ethnicity for as long as I can remember, and then I got over that, and now online dating to remind me how much of an outcast I really am. Also, ethnic women want to have mixed race babies with white guys because mixed babies are perceived to be beautiful.

[itsallgrand]

I think Rosti made a really good point about location with that, cobblestone. Not sure where you live. But what is in one place a minority, is the majority in other places. If you think about it, being 'white' is actually the minority on the planet. There are more 'ethnic' (what is that? like, everybody else?), and there sure is no deficit in babies in the world, so people are getting together!

Also, perception of race and the dynamics are very different depending where you go. Even in the same country.

[Rosti87]

I wish you better luck than that.

 

I think sometimes the knife cuts both ways. I'm not exactly comfortable with cold approaches, but I think I'd be less comfortable approaching an african american woman. I'm already predisposed to believe I'm going to get shot down and somewhere I picked up the belief that AA women don't really like to date men who aren't AA. Just makes me assume the likelihood of getting shot down is higher. I would definitely go out with a woman of any race that I was attracted to though and I wouldn't care much what other people thought of it.

IRL, day to day I attract fairly well. It is usually in a work situation which is not ideal. I think in a work situation they see me from a different perspective and not from assumptions and stereotypes.

 

I think some white American guys assume what you assume. That I'm not interested. I just came from lunch where a guy was in front of me in the line. He kept looking back at me like he wanted to talk but kept hesitating. I'm not in the dating market right now by choice but if I was I would have to coax guys like this.

[LoveSoDeep]

WHAT!?! I'm sorry you've had some bad experiences but please don't get discouraged. This mixed babies being beautiful.....while I think it's true would not be a reason for me to seek out and ethnic husband or father for my children. We're human being's we're not breeding dogs or horses here....we don't pick a stud based on what out babies will look like. Or at least I hope we don't and I NEVER would.

 

Also "Compensating with personality" not always a good idea. Anytime I get the sense someone is trying to "compensate" for anything height, race, baldness, a small penis....whatever anytime I sens compensation going on that's a huge red flag and I'm outa there. I know you think it's subtle and won't be recognized....but trust me it will.

 

There's no reason to compensate or apologize for any part of who you are....if you feel you have to do that...then you're with the wrong people.

[cobblestone]

So, an important titbit of information I left out about my ethnicity. I am mixed race and I look quite exotic (not as great as it sounds). IRL, I probably get asked on average about 3x per week what my background is, on a very conservative scale. Yesterday, I was asked twice. Good conversation starter I suppose. Though I never truly fit in with any group growing up because culturally it just wasn't a match with either one. Didn't fit with the Asian kids because I didn't speak the language, and didn't fit in with the white kids cause they thought of me as one of the Asian kids. Culturally, I leaned more towards my Asian heritage cause I get along with my mom more. And while some girls liked the way I look, that enabled them to open up to me about what they wanted. Mixed babies. I felt disgusted when I heard that because it felt almost like having a mixed baby was some sort of a status symbol for them, and it's something I've heard dozens of times.

 

What I meant by compensating with personality is more like self-deprecating myself humorously as a self defence mechanism and being able to make others laugh. Getting bullied sucked, so I had to win people over with words. Kind of like Eminem's style of rapping, he's very self deprecating, like in his final rap battle in the movie 8 Mile, he exposes himself so that it's all out in the open and the opponent can't take any shots at him.

[Grace696]

Those are probably the demographics that we mentioned earlier that have a better chance of getting a match on OLD. I don't deny that there are successful matches. One of my friends is enjoying a successful match on OLD, but she fits in that 'sweet spot' of highly desired people on OLD sites.

 

Well.... they sort of are. But these are friends who spent years on OLD getting nowhere before finding someone. People have an idea that OLD is really easy for young, attractive, slim, women, but from what I've seen with my friends this is not necessarily true. I also know two women who are larger and quite average-looking who happened to meet good matches on their first OLD dates and are happily with them, so go figure.

 

OLD is (theoretically) a godsend for me to meet men because I work from home alone; have hobbies such as yoga and choir that are dominated by women or much older men (some of whom give it a good crack, but I haven't been interested); and tend to socialise with close friends in smaller groups or in situations where I am focused on catching up with them rather than checking out the men in the room. I do sometimes go to parties but the odds of meeting someone at these who is suitable and also single have been slim. There also happens to be a documented "man drought" in my country, which doesn't help things. At least the men are ostensibly single on OLD! I'm also a little introverted and shy at first in person, particularly in a group (especially if I am attracted to someone!) and OLD plays to my strengths in that it is one-on-one without an audience and relies on the written word, in which I am more articulate and clever than in real life.

 

(Having said this I have not actually ever done any proper OLD, just tinder. I met someone great immediately on tinder and we went out for 4 months until he decided it wasn't working out for him. Since going back on tinder it has been a frustrating wasteland. I do want to do proper OLD but various things have been holding me back...)

[Rosti87]

I have read that Kiwi men are in short supply down there. Also your population is much smaller and spread out so I can see the use of OLD as being important to you. Your demographic is probably more homogenous (I am aware of your Polynesian and Asian subcultures) so your pool maybe easier to tap into.

 

That is why I always preface by saying 'depending on your location.' I think OLD experiences are different depending on where you live and who you are in the spectrum of that location. If you were in Hawaii, you may not have as much luck as where you are. The United States has a history of social issues that make OLD a detriment for some. An annoyance for others. A crap shoot for many.

[Dougie_D]

Haha! You can't even say that because you said you're not "fat". You might hear your type of guys say that, but there are plenty of certain guys who prefer "larger" women. A short chubby girl has a better chance to date than a short chubby guy for sure.

[Dougie_D]

The only problem with this thinking is ... well, me, you, my husband, a lot of other people wouldn't BE online if they were able to meet people in real life.

 

Online dating fills the gap for people who are socially awkward, introverted, too busy or too shy to put themselves out there in real life.

 

People see each other in real life all the time and don't hook up because they aren't really all that open. BTW, my husband and I lived a few minutes from each other. He walked his dog all the time, but I wasn't in the head space of being open to dating a neighbor.

 

IRL isn't a magical solution when people aren't open ... and a lot of people are not that open to the idea of finding love anywhere.

 

Spot on. My friend is a clubby person. He admits that he relies on his body to engage with women. He's in his 30's now. He doesn't club because he'll be the odd man out. OLD saved his dating lifestyle.

[Sportster2005]

 

 

There's no reason to compensate or apologize for any part of who you are....if you feel you have to do that...then you're with the wrong people.

 

We all have our strength and weaknesses. We are going to, and should, lead with our strengths. I will try and take as much advantage of my strengths as I can. I am going to minimize and compensate for my weaknesses. We all have weaknesses. And there's nothing wrong with shoring them up with our strengths.

[ForestofDreams]

I always tend to think the people who are really popular on dating websites have it just as hard as the rest of us finding "the one". My friend probably gets 100 messages per day and he hates it. He says it's hard to see when there's so many people. He just wants to find that "one" after all. What does it matter how many people we have messaging us if it's only one person who we want anyway?

 

It's tough no matter what. Don't feel down if you feel like you are lacking something someone else has. Everyone has something unique and special that someone else doesn't Besides...the people who get a million messages per day hardly ever settle down, at least from what I've seen. They just go from one girl to the next.

[notalady]

Funnily (or sadly) enough, I've actually had two Asia female friends previously telling me while they were open to date both Asian and white guys, it would be a plus to have mixed race babies and also had other Asian women I know (already married) commenting that mixed race babies is a plus. But being an Asian female, I don't get that logic at all about mixed race babies. Like why is that even a factor of consideration at all?! Why does it matter?

 

Anyway I haven't come accross anyone who openly said to me that they wouldn't date someone of colour, but OLD experience over the years (which has been pretty positive overall) gives me a tingly sense that I would've gotten way more contact and responses if I was white.

 

Only once on OKC I saw a guy I was talking to in his questions and answers indicted that his preference is to have children with someone from the same race. I was shocked, no one ever openly wrote or said anything like that before! At least he was honest lol..

[Batya33]

I think it's fine to prefer to date within one's own race, religion, or both as long as it's not for racist reasons (and if it is then I agree that person is acting in a racist and offensive way especially if she or he expresses it that way to the person!).

 

I don't think it's ok to treat someone differently because of their race or religion when it comes to professional relationships or simply how you treat another person you encounter, whether stranger, acquaintance or friend. Especially for those who date with a view towards marriage there's nothing inherently racist or discriminatory about choosing to get romantically involved within one's race or religion. There can be but I think presuming that or judging people for who they choose to date or not date isn't appropriate. We don't judge people who prefer to date people who are not overweight or only people they are physically attracted to, right?

 

I would not have dated someone who wanted to date me because my skin or eye color might result in a child who looked a certain way. That preference would feel creepy to me - at the very least. To each her/his own.

[Dougie_D]

I always tend to think the people who are really popular on dating websites have it just as hard as the rest of us finding "the one". My friend probably gets 100 messages per day and he hates it. He says it's hard to see when there's so many people. He just wants to find that "one" after all. What does it matter how many people we have messaging us if it's only one person who we want anyway?

 

It's tough no matter what. Don't feel down if you feel like you are lacking something someone else has. Everyone has something unique and special that someone else doesn't Besides...the people who get a million messages per day hardly ever settle down, at least from what I've seen. They just go from one girl to the next.

 

The reason why they go from one girl to the next is because they feel like they have the luxury of doing that. One person gets 100 messages a month while another person gets 1 message a month. The first person has 100 to "choose" from so they know if number 5 doesn't work out, they have number 20, possibly number 36, etc... The other person who gets 1 message "VALUES" that person more, because they don't have 99 more options already.

 

When someone settles down, it means they are satisfied of not looking anymore or realize they are running out of options. Well the person who had 100 and is now down to 1 is now in the same boat as the person who gets 1 message a month.

[Batya33]

The reason why they go from one girl to the next is because they feel like they have the luxury of doing that. One person gets 100 messages a month while another person gets 1 message a month. The first person has 100 to "choose" from so they know if number 5 doesn't work out, they have number 20, possibly number 36, etc... The other person who gets 1 message "VALUES" that person more, because they don't have 99 more options already.

 

When someone settles down, it means they are satisfied of not looking anymore or realize they are running out of options. Well the person who had 100 and is now down to 1 is now in the same boat as the person who gets 1 message a month.

 

I think people who settle down because they feel they are running out of options are settling, in a bad way. When I chose my husband I knew technically that there were other men out there who might be a good match - technically that has to be true -I didn't date everyone even though it felt like I did. That didn't matter to me in the least - I knew I had found my one and it didn't matter who else was or might be out there. The End and also The Beginning.

 

People who say they want a forever match go from one person to the next when they have not yet met the right person or they are not yet the right person to find the right person.

People who are not looking for forever go from one person to the next because they can and because it brings them more pleasure than pain.

[Rosti87]

What you describe I see a lot in my daughter's friends. She has quite a few Asian friends and the girls tend to want white or black men to the consternation of Asian males. I never heard 'I want mixed babies' but you can see the imbalance there. I also notice that some east Asian and south Asian children struggle with their identity in white suburban schools. I think the white kids are some how making them feel socially uncomfortable or unwelcome.

 

I think this stuff carries into adulthood and thus you see some of the young single adults in these groups struggle with dating. OLD does not help the matter at all. It probably throws them right back into the feelings they had in high school.

 

Note: The above observations are based upon the social dynamic in the United States. I have no idea how this is in other countries.

[John John]

From what I have seen and heard, white men and Asian and white females are the most demanded groups on OLD.

 

I think it's such a damn shame sometimes how certain groups/traits are seen as less desirable. Overall, most of us have something working against us, but I think there's hope for all of us 8)

 

I'd say OLD is here to stay, so we have to accept its presence and adapt somewhat. Its intentions are good, but it can bring out the worst in some people. As a result, it falls to us to be extra vigilant and even ruthless in terms of what we want and will tolerate.

 

I am thinkng of doing an OLD diary on here. But I've become ruthless (not picky, they aren't the same thing) and so don't go on that many first dates. I feel like my diary would be boring.

[Rosti87]

From what I have seen and heard, white men and Asian and white females are the most demanded groups on OLD.

 

I think it's such a damn shame sometimes how certain groups/traits are seen as less desirable. Overall, most of us have something working against us, but I think there's hope for all of us 8)

 

I'd say OLD is here to stay, so we have to accept its presence and adapt somewhat. Its intentions are good, but it can bring out the worst in some people. As a result, it falls to us to be extra vigilant and even ruthless in terms of what we want and will tolerate.

 

I am thinkng of doing an OLD diary on here. But I've become ruthless (not picky, they aren't the same thing) and so don't go on that many first dates. I feel like my diary would be boring.

 

Give the diary a go. Just share the stories you think would be interesting. If there are time lapses its all good. If you start one I'll be your huckleberry.

 

On the subject of OLD: I agree OLDs were not created for the sole intention of wreaking havoc on people's love lives. I do believe that OLD reflects the values, ethics and morals of the users of the tool in the various locations.

[itsallgrand]

I would not have dated someone who wanted to date me because my skin or eye color might result in a child who looked a certain way. That preference would feel creepy to me - at the very least. To each her/his own.

 

Yikes. No kidding.

 

I think there are people out there who do look at dating/marriage/babies as a social game. Look,mixed race baby, I moved up a square! Umm, no you didn't.

 

And it's not only women. There are men out there who look at the race of the person on their arm as a status symbol too.

 

Luckily these people tend to drop a lot of clues fairly early on.

[Sportster2005]

 

I am thinkng of doing an OLD diary on here. But I've become ruthless (not picky, they aren't the same thing) and so don't go on that many first dates. I feel like my diary would be boring.

 

I'd follow it, but I might get jealous hearing about all those hot NY women you date

[Rosti87]

Yikes. No kidding.

 

I think there are people out there who do look at dating/marriage/babies as a social game. Look,mixed race baby, I moved up a square! Umm, no you didn't.

 

And it's not only women. There are men out there who look at the race of the person on their arm as a status symbol too.

Luckily these people tend to drop a lot of clues fairly early on.

 

Yeah, they are easy to catch.