Batya33 Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Yes, I got confused too because you clarified to me: "I thought he did "come to you" by wanting to be exclusive with you......" and you wrote: "Yes he did." Now I understand that you're sexually monogamous and if you feel like going on a date with someone else before you are engaged to be married ,that's fine and you have the mindset that things could change minute to minute. You are right that that is not what I would define personally as "exclusive" in a romantic relationship where the couple is not yet married (then "married" subsumes exclusive unless it's an open relationship). Nothing to do with labels on my end of trying to understand what you wrote about your interactions with him - I was trying to understand what he had agreed to that made you happy - obviously it was a significant change - where before you were not happy with your arrangement/friendship whatever and you had written that you were at times ready to have no contact or certainly no romantic contact. Your arrangement works for the two of you and makes you happy -cool! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted May 12, 2015 Author Share Posted May 12, 2015 Batya I have always always always struggled with the structure of bf/gf. My thinking is, until I am married (or committed to be), there is always a chance I will break up because we haven't chosen each other to be our last. In practice, he is not looking and neither am I. I know how he feels about me, he knows how I feel about him. The rest is just life, time, experience. I would gladly say bf/gf. I have some 4 more years of dating in my adult experience relative to him, I have more confidence in my choices, and I have had more time to regain stability after the divorce. He is still putting the base layer of Maslow's Hierarchy back in order. Saying BF adds another responsibility when he can't manage what he's already got. And it doesn't really matter, at this time. We didn't talk about dating, but I couldn't care less if he goes for a weeknight glass of wine. It will shore up his confidence in choosing me, and make it obvious that he choosing to be with me, as opposed to giving something up out of fear of losing me. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Again it's what works for you. You are protective of what you believe he can and cannot do. Of course there's always a chance to break up, divorce whatever. It's life. Never stopped me personally from committing to someone that despite that chance we were going to be only for each other and obviously if things change, things change. I personally and my partners personally needed and desired the security and stability that comes with the commitment of "I am only dating you, I only want to date you, I am not going to look to date others." You two have different needs, desires and standards. I never gave anything up out of fear of losing my partner, I gave it up because I desired to give it up. I'm not sure I'd want to be with someone who didn't pursue other people mostly out of a fear of losing me but I never got involved with someone where that was the thought process so I never really thought that through. If I desired to have a glass of wine with someone I was romantically attracted to or potentially romantically attracted to I would do so after telling my partner that I thought it was better if we gave ourselves the option of seeing other people. Or I would choose not to because I wanted the relationship more than the flirtation or chance of a flirtation. I understand that for you two it works differently. Differences make the world go around! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted May 13, 2015 Author Share Posted May 13, 2015 Ha, and no, we split. Loving thoughtful and done. Link to comment
faraday Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 Ha, and no, we split. Loving thoughtful and done. Split before or split now? I'm easily confused. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 Ha, and no, we split. Loving thoughtful and done. This sounds like a new post, not in response to mine. Just musing about something else? Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted May 13, 2015 Author Share Posted May 13, 2015 Split now lol It was beautiful I'm happy Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 I'm so confused. I try to keep up here, but it's tough. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted May 13, 2015 Author Share Posted May 13, 2015 Yup. We had a fantastic time. We got back home. He said, no. I'm not ready to be committed. I need to create some space while I deal with this. And, suddenly, it sounded like he was taking responsibility for himself and being honest. So, after a minute, it made me happy because it made sense this time. whether we are dating seems smaller than whether we are authentic. Unexpected. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 Well, I'm happy you're happy, but please protect your heart. Keep dating other guys and don't let him take up too much of your time and head-space if he's not committing to you and you're not dating. You need to be emotionally free to date other men who are offering you the potential for a real and committed relationship rather than just a 'favorite sister' scenario. Focus on you and not him. I think at this point he's turned into 'Mr. Whoa No' rather than 'Mr. Wow'. And you can find friends/lovers who carry a lot less emotional baggage, drama, and risk for you than he does. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 I am glad you're happy. You were giving him space because you didn't insist on him not pursuing other women to potentially date (i.e. your glass of wine/we're not engaged or married exception) and if that isn't enough space that sure gives one pause. (At least this one, maybe not you). I am glad you know where you stand with him and that you appreciated his honesty. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 Yes, I had a few stages of being offeneed and insulted, but I put them aside. My wingman reminded me of same thoughts I was having: at this same time in my own l8fe, I couldn't handle the slightest bit of relationship responsibility. I said to wingman, How hard is it to ask me out 10 days from now? In fact, it IS hard. Do I have the kids? Will kid schedule change? Will it be my only day to prep for work or court? Will I be available but forget to plan? It was overwhelming. Says the woman who completely overlooked two theater performances... All the room doesn't matter if he is performing below his standard. Finally, what do I care. If his journey is to withdraw, date, or both, that is his journey. It is what he needs to do. I have tried three (more maybe) times to meet the other person I decided to meet. Our travel schedules have overlapper in funny ways. That could be perfect. The occasionAL date but too sporadic for more at this time. I am looking forward to me time with the occasional guy thing, maybe every couple of weeks, or even more sporadic than that. I miss my work. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 But really, it is about me/others and his desire to be unattached. Anyway, not posting because it takes me backwards to analyze. What's it matter? Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 ^^ Agreed! Best wishes... you are a lovely thoughtful person and I know you will find a great new partner who does want to be with you if you keep looking (whenever/if you feel like looking). Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 I read this article just now and it reminded me of you -very obviously not a perfect analogy by any means but I wanted to share it with you (just google the title, published in the New York Times April 30 of this year. No Labels, No Drama, Right? Edited to add I just now read what you said about not posting but I hope it's ok that I shared the above. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 Definitely OK to post. I'll pull it up. As someone who hates labels, they can be helpful. I've never before welcomed a gf label, but would now, though the word is sort of odd to me. I am not missing having him about. By the time of the other night, I simply said SSDD. It has been like peeling off layers and there are only a few layers remaining. However, for all his protestations that I am whatever he thinks I am, the truth is, he doesn't know. Ordinarily, I would say i am NOT that gal for him, but in fact, I doubt he would know if he were staring her in the face. Completely enmeshed in each moment of his own life and not thinking beyond it. For me, it is hard to imagine a time of getting back together. I just don't see it happening. Feels like, been there done that. Once I look forward without him in my vision, he becomes less relevant, or irrelevant. I don't see a way in which that would change. Its just so nice to have me back. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted May 15, 2015 Author Share Posted May 15, 2015 Ha, funny re Jeremy. I am not sure what this is, there are clearly some similarities and some differences. We have told each other how we feel or felt, we would say we had dated... as you said, Batya, not the perfect analogy, but similar enough for me to appreciate it. And I thank you for thinking of me when you read it! I am calling it over. My goal is to be able to see him, as I suppose I eventually will even if by happenstance, and to feel zero attraction. That may be impossible, and if so, I will accept that its just one of chemistry things and keep moving. Link to comment
missmarple Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 He said, no. I'm not ready to be committed. Oh, I disagree with him. I think he IS ready....to be committed Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted May 15, 2015 Author Share Posted May 15, 2015 Oh, I disagree with him. I think he IS ready....to be committed Lolol He called me tonight because something tragic happened in our community, and then we talked for an hour+ about kids and parenting etc. we came upon an emotional trauma he keeps to himself "I hate myself, and I'm hanging on to that one thing that makes it okay that I hate myself," he said. "And that's why I can't be with you, because you want me to hate you too and I refuse to do that and it is out of order with your wor ld view." "I know that," he said. He is calling therapist tomorrow. Hanging up he said, as directly and declarative as never before, "I love you, itic." I said, "Thank you." "Nice response," he said, sounding both sarcastic and good natured. I said, laughing, "screw you!" And we hung up. Laughing. Link to comment
notalady Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 His declaration of love means nothing when he's not willing to offer commitment. Nice response indeed Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted May 15, 2015 Author Share Posted May 15, 2015 His declaration of love means nothing when he's not willing to offer commitment. Nice response indeed It means something on a human level. It was nice to hear because it had nothing to do with dating, at least not to my ears. Yea, dating is SO off the table. Link to comment
mhowe Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 I think the declaration of calling a therapist is more impressive than the ILU. As my father would have said....that fellow is more messed up than a marine ditty bag. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted May 15, 2015 Author Share Posted May 15, 2015 I think the declaration of calling a therapist is more impressive than the ILU. As my father would have said....that fellow is more messed up than a marine ditty bag. Agree Hahaha hahaha yes indeed And yet a whole lot more normal than many, yikes Link to comment
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