From Wow to more Wow? My "I just knew" journal of wonder.

[IAmFCA]

I've either not done what I thought I did

 

Or, when challenged by deeper level of emotion, as I know happens I bumped into a deeper vein of old patterns.

 

So its either a wellspring that remains despite my earlier victories OR (and) the challenge of going against instinct as i learn new behavioral techniques.

 

I will explore the former but I am not even sure what... my dad my brother? Thought I nailed those. My mom? Huh. Odd.

 

Let's focus on the behaviors. Because ordinarily I'd have cut the cord in March/April with nothing further, which is what I did pre-marriage. But then, it was a veneer over pain. Now, I'm giving power to the impulse, when before I did not. This could simply be a function of my fundamental exhaustion and learning to be in control.

 

Ok. So, it's time to be in control, even when my child's voice just wants to rest.

 

I think that's it.

[IAmFCA]

Newton's Third Law: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

[mhowe]

My father loved that law! It used it as a "life lesson" tool on many occasions!

[IAmFCA]

My father loved that law! It used it as a "life lesson" tool on many occasions!

 

It IS a good one. I needed it...oops.

 

Glad to have been reminded of it while reading about fluid dynamics. So many topics inform other seemingly unrelated topics.

[mhowe]

Another law of physics: two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time.

[IAmFCA]

Another law of physics: two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time.

 

Another good one!

 

](*,)

[mhowe]

Subtlety was not dad's strong point.

 

Another was..."M, worry about M...it is a full time job. The rest will take care of itself".

[IAmFCA]

Subtlety was not dad's strong point.

 

Another was..."M, worry about M...it is a full time job. The rest will take care of itself".

 

Oh my goodness I needed him!

 

My parents were completely codependent. Dad was the brilliant martyr, Mom a peaceful Methuselah. She taught all of us how to let his emotional indulgences (which we all characterize as abusive) roll off our backs. So my instincts are off. I've been learning -very slowly- to take note of a situation before it is on fire. (Surprise surprise.)

 

Before The Traumatization of the Fleeting Mr Wow, what I appreciated in myself was how I was able to dispense with the feeling that love is silly, a left over from growing up. Mr. Wow was very comfortable steering us in a long term direction and I got to practice being in a safe emotional space. That's a first since... 24.

 

That's funny.

 

That's a nice discovery. I hadn't been able to find a kernel to take with me on my journey. Some good new cooking techniques (not a chef like yours, but the son of a gourmet cook), but no raw kernel. Now i have one. Nice.

-----

 

The kernel metaphor kinda confusing with the literal cooking... Letting it stand...

[mhowe]

My parents dynamic was...unique. They both had control issues...but somehow managed to divide them. I learned much from both...positive and negative. I think I learned most from the dysfunctional long term relationship that was the shadow side of my dad.

 

With my partner, I see both moms acquiesce in the small things and dads obstinate with regard to "tone" when dealing with conflict. It is a very interesting journey....this thing called life.

[IAmFCA]

Mr Wow said, as if this is the ideal: My parents had 45 minutes to themselves, every day when Dad got home from work. We didn't disturb them. After that, we had dinner.

 

I said: Could you see yourself doing that? Getting home every day, similar time, in time for cocktail hour before family dinner?

 

Oh, no, I couldn't ever do that.

 

 

Lololol humans are funny. We are as blind as if we had no eyes, yet we describe what we see in detail.

[IAmFCA]

Grrr

 

I just had to ask Mr Wow to delete my number and restrict all contact, if any, to written correspondence. He had suggested we get together, I think to talk about his new thing and what she does and doesn't mean to him. I haven't a clue why. Oh I have a few clues, am trying to practice kindness in all things.

 

Something about having to do it hurts like hell, so I have tears and all that mess. Its just a shedding, a process. I know what I want and what I don't.

 

Yes yes, I know he picked her at a time when his judgment is all screwed up, blah blah blah. He could, one day, hit his head and realize he is going to keep getting the same results. I write that here because everything written here exists in the same time. There is no chain of evolution. So, yeah, anything can happen. The dead tree outside has a little green, maybe it will recover.

 

Fat chance. I have a few curse words for him, some tears that will likely out themselves again for no good reason, and a will to pursue my future as it is waiting for me. Glad to get him the hell off my phone.

[Batya33]

I'm glad you're going to restrict contact. Who cares why he is dating someone new. Only a very unstable or malicious person would ask his recent ex to meet to talk about the new woman in his life. You don't need either.

[faraday]

((((((((((hugs ITIC))))))))))). I'm sorry he's acting like this, and I'm sorry that it hurts you. Put a fork in him- he's done! It's time to protect yourself!

[missmarple]

I hadn't even realised he's dating someone else. He is something else that guy, for sure!

[chickadeedee]

>>I think to talk about his new thing and what she does and doesn't mean to him.

 

I'm really sorry... and ugh, RIDICULOUSLY insensitive and narcissistic of him to expect you to listen to him babble about some new woman when he knows how you feel about him. Better off gone...

[browneyedgirl36]

>>I think to talk about his new thing and what she does and doesn't mean to him.

 

I'm really sorry... and ugh, RIDICULOUSLY insensitive and narcissistic of him to expect you to listen to him babble about some new woman when he knows how you feel about him. Better off gone...

 

Agreed. If I didn't know any better, I'd think this guy was my last ex -- the charming guy who brought his new girlfriend into our workplace, knowing it would gut me. Narcissism, indeed. "Wow," indeed, but NOT in a good way. More like, "Wow...%$@*&!!!!"

[IAmFCA]

They only recently started dating, in April. I am sure he wants to tell me that she is a Ms Right Now woman, not a Forever woman. What do I care?

 

I am shocked, not by him. Shocked by me. That it hurts to peel off another layer of him. It should feel like a freaking shower. It hurts like hell.

 

I can't say, honestly, what I would do if he dumped the new woman - which he wont do - but if he were to make some play to get me back? I wish I could tell you I would turn on my heels and walk away. But I can't say that in good conscience. The memory of how incredibly compatible we are together is still fresh, and is a feeling I haven't felt since Marriage Minus Two Bfs, in my early 20s.

 

Unbelievable.

 

Am going to dinner with a collection of women whom I have never met. It will be good for me!

[IAmFCA]

thank you ladies for the hugs.

 

I know I am okay and I know this is not about me not being good enough. Thank goodness.

 

Being with him, even lately by text or by phone (well not so VERY lately, but anyhow) feels like being with my own skin. Still. It hurts to cut him off and it hurts to think of him as I do at this moment. I really do not think he is a classic N, I've been looking for it.

 

I did not expect to feel so strongly nor for him to be so daft.

[missmarple]

I did not expect to feel so strongly nor for him to be so daft.

 

Why do you think he's daft?

[chickadeedee]

>>That it hurts to peel off another layer of him. It should feel like a freaking shower.

 

You're peeling off another layer of you as well. One of the hardest things to do is to give up our illusions about someone we really trusted and had such high hopes for. And to admit that maybe we were wrong in our evaluations of them and their worthiness to be in a relationship with us. But the most important thing is there is no shame at all in loving someone and believing what they tell us, at least up until the point that the veneer of truth starts to wear really thin and the real underside is exposed. This guy is just not worthy of you. He's been stringing you along for a while now playing the pitiful 'my life is such a mess and i'm so busy i can't be with you,' meanwhile he's off chasing and banging someone else. Not too busy for that, is he?

 

This guy has been juggling women since the day you met him. And he is still juggling women. That is who he is. I think he likes to present himself differently for short bursts of time, but deep down his preferred state is having multiple women on tap. Wife-business partner-FWB-you-business partner-FWB-new woman-you-new woman and round and round you go. He compartmentalizes women into roles rather than truly seeing them as unique individuals with feelings. Right now the role he wants you to play is faithful spaniel by his side/sister/mother surrogate while he triangulates some new woman into his life for a bangfest and a spin on his merry go round.

 

Sure, he may whirl back around again... but it will only be for a while. Please protect yourself. This guy is one screwed up pooch and will drain you of the last semblance of reason if you let him continue to muck with your mind.

 

This guy is just not worthy.

[chickadeedee]

>>The memory of how incredibly compatible we are together is still fresh

 

Some people are absolutely incredible at reflecting back to us what they know we like and want to hear... manipulative and charming chameleons based on who they are with at the moment. If he had been genuinely, truly compatible with you and the feeling was mutual, he wouldn't be off banging other women.

 

I suspect he is now HER perfect Mr. Wow, and will be until he decides he needs something else from some other woman, then he'll be yet another variation of a new Mr. Wow off being perfectly compatible with the next one, and on and on.

[mhowe]

I say again....he is a hoarder. Of relationships. He doesn't discard any and continually adds to the collection.

[chickadeedee]

^^

Agreed, 100%

 

There is a wonderful old Counting Crows song called 'Anna Begins' about a man who is a cheater going off on a rendezvous with an 'other woman' that he knows he's lying to and will eventulaly move along to other women because that is he does and this woman is no exception: 'Snap her up in a butterfly net and just pin her down on a photograph album,' Part of his collection of women.

 

Perfect lyrics.

 

"Anna Begins" -- Counting Crows

 

My friend assures me "it's all or nothing"

I am not worried, I am not overly concerned

My friend implores me: "For one time only make an exception"

I am not not worried

Wrap her up in a package of lies send her off to a coconut island

I am not worried, I am not overly concerned

With the status of my emotions "Oh", She says, "You're changing."

 

But we're always changing

It does not bother me to say this isn't love

Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love

And I guess I'm going to have to live with that

But, I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey or something in between

And I can always change my name if that's what you mean

 

My friend assures me "It's all or nothing"

But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned

You try to tell yourself the things you tell yourself to make yourself forget

I am not worried

"If it's love", she said, "then were gonna have to think about the

consequences"

She can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and.....

 

This time when kindness falls like rain

It washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind

"These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days" she says

And I'm not ready for this sort of thing

 

But I'm not gonna break and I'm not going to worry about it anymore

I'm not gonna bend and I'm not gonna break

I'm not gonna worry about it anymore

It seems like I should say "as long as this is love..."

But it's not all that easy so maybe I should just:

Snap her up in a butterfly net and just pin her down on a photograph album

I am not worried, I've done this sort of thing before

But then I start to think about the consequences

Because I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...

 

The time when kindness falls like rain

It washes me away and Anna begins to change my mind

And every time she sneezes I believe it's it's love and

Oh lord.... I'm not ready for this sort of thing

 

She's talking in her sleep

It's keeping me awake and Anna begins to toss and turn

And every word is nonsense but I understand and

Oh lord... I'm not ready for this sort of thing

 

Her kindness bangs a gong

It's moving me along and Anna begins to fade away

It's chasing me away

She disappears and

Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing

[IAmFCA]

Ladies I agree with some and not all of your analyses but I leave my comments about that out because (1) I am grateful for your energies and creativity and thoughts, and (2) it doesn't really matter what he does or why, only what I have and don't. That simplifies things immensely and disables most of his discussion and most of my rationalization.

 

He is fighting like hell to get me to agree to maintain contact. I am not responding, or sometimes offering a rebuttal and repeating my Go away response. This was actually earlier today, when I felt more reactive. I know that ignoring is the only effective response to making him go away. His last text was imploring me to hold on until we can engage directly, that there are "several things that can be done to make this right". I can't imagine what those are, nor can I imagine viewing his judgment with the same confidence as before; therefore, his appeal is a waste of my time.

 

I am constantly undermined by my own ability to relate directly to his behavior, much of which is symptomatic of ADHD and similar to my own after my experience of divorce and three deaths. Thank goodness my personal behavior then remained private; it was worse than his. Because I traveled to the path where I am does not mean he will or that he won't. It just keeps me from judging him as I would a N or a regular hoarder. His wasn't always a hoarder. He used to create chaos by travel, spending habits, and intense work habits. Very ADHD; the chaos is an expression of anxiety and a way to entertain the distractable brain. These habits are like home to me, were part of my family culture, and are part of why I haven't closed the door. They also are destructive if unmanaged, but they can be managed.

 

As a side note -- One relationship technique I recently read about was offered by a dual-ADHD couple. The ADHD is a third member of their relationship, they use it as a scapegoat, and they attend a monthly therapy session to help them stay on course. I think this is sound advice; I can see my own ADHD popping up everywhere and it is apparently well regulated by ADHD standards. ADHD relationship resources describe his behavior as if they know him.

 

Unwilling, untreated, or unable still equals unsuitable.

 

All that aside, I can not promise I will ignore. I am on the fence. I am ignoring at present and feeling good about it.

[missmarple]

You've already spent half a year of your life (maybe more, not sure of the actual dates) on this guy who started off as Mr Wow and has gone to 'dating someone else but still wants me in his life and I'm not sure I can let go'.

 

I hope a year down the road, you won't still be on the same spot. Sounds like he has some kind of hold on you that I can't understand..you talk about his behaviour as if he's your son, not an ex lover...when you should be saying 'you're an idiot, stay the hell away from me', you're more like 'but he's a great guy deep down'...very much like a mother would about her son no matter what he had done.

 

I don't think anything anyone tells you can change the way you think, I just hope you'll break the spell on your own at some point.