From Wow to more Wow? My "I just knew" journal of wonder.

[Batya33]

And you really think there's a distinction with a difference if the woman he is having sex with is a topic -whether it's about how he feels about her or how he thinks you should feel about her who cares?

 

Thanks for clarifying that you're not acting in a self-caring way. If you think it is worth all these risks to hear him talk about how you should feel about the woman he is having sex with/dating/whatever then you're an adult, go for it. I hope you're not telling yourself that you somehow need to hear what he has to say rather than "presuming" - would you make time for a salesperson to tell you why you should feel differently about selling him your house for $10 or might you presume that it would be a waste of your time because it's irrelevant. (And yes even if you dated the salesperson).

 

Certainly if you think you overlapped with this woman and he needs to tell you about your STD risk that is very important ..... and could easily be done by e-mail or a brief phone call. Otherwise, obviously it's your time to waste, your risk to take - and in addition to understanding it's not a self-caring activity on your part I hope you stop rationalizing that you must listen lest you "presume". (I suppose that falls into the category of self-uncare though).

[IAmFCA]

PLEDGE TO REMND MYSELF

 

Intense exercise and meds!!!!

 

Found this morning's boot camp. Kicked my butt. Writing for work now is SO EASY. Unbelievable the difference.

[chickadeedee]

I wish other posters wouldn't imply anyone is judgemental or critical for expressing concern or a different opinion. My concern is that the OP is being pulled way off center by a man who is no longer her romantic partner and who she is still deeply emotionally attached to even though he is now off with another woman/women. She has a psychiatric/medical condition, and is talking about forgetting medication or not taking medication, and is still extremely ennmeshed in every little crisis in his life as if it were her own crisis rather than his.

 

The brain is an extremely sensitive biochemical feedback organ, and stress is well known to wreak havoc on brain chemistry. And in sensitive individuals who already have biochemical issues, it can lead to serious compromising of health and deteriorating mental condition and hospitalization, including mental breakdowns. I have been seeing serious see-sawing of emotions and perceptions in ITIC that have been deteriorating as this relationship deteriorates. There is also talk of 'embracing chaos' and freewheeling chaos created by two ADHD individuals, which is very stimulating for them and plays into their condition, but the absolutely WRONG environment for children to be raised in, and there are multiple children involved here.

 

So my suggestion to leave this man alone is based on concern how the pendulum has swung from a healthy relationship that was calm and uplifting to the parties involved, to excessive drama, cheating, stress, obsession, and chaos.

 

So this is not a case of 'just listening to their own music' when that music is driving ITIC in a very unhealthy direction for herself and her children. I wouldn't advise a depressed person to play russian roulette with a gun or to drink alcohol which exacerbates depression, and i wouldn't advise a person with ADHD and biochemical issues to toy with a man who has rejected her and constantly drags her into an unhealthy chaos that has nothing to do with creating a positive life for herself and her children. This journal has descended into being all about HIS problems and her focus on HIS problems and her occasional forays into believing 'we were meant to be married,' but meanwhile he is not her partner and is pulling her off center to focus on HIM and his crisis du jour rather than herself and her children. And he is adding a whole lot of dangerous stress to an already delicate biochemical situation that people with ADHD have to carefully balance and live with.

[IAmFCA]

Chickadeedee there is a truth to both perspectives. Your characterization of my situation often sounds more dramatic to me than it is... I'm in touch with my kids, focusing on their lives and my own, processing things amd moving past the moment. The journal doesn't capture everything, of course.

 

Also, I think the fact that he and I share similar brain chemistry is useful and relevant and a significant reason we remain in conversation (of a sort).

 

I think his current dating situation is a way of self medication, like alcohol,a distraction and a way to get stimulation in that part of the brain. Seen on that context, she is not related to me at all... Which is what he keeps trying to convey in our short hand conversations.

 

The problem I have in evaluating this situation is not so much that he's moved on to another woman, but more that he may be be- is- engaging in behavior to distract himself from the pain/loss/responsibility... And that he wants the freedom to do that.

 

That's the best I've been able to articulate the situation, ever.

 

It reflects my own gathering up of his responses as well as my clear head today.

 

In that sense, I reacted as a woman scorned etc but the situation is more like that of substance abuse, in a way. I would like to know if that is consistent with what he sees in himself and what he intends to do about it.

 

I can't fix, don't want to fix; he will fix when he is ready. Don't need to fix him, actually, unless women are a necessary stimulant to distract himself. Women are a proven danger zone. The rest will sort itself.

[IAmFCA]

And sure, that still is difficult, and also could all be self serving rationalization, though behavior and conversation supports this idea.

 

And is irrelevant if past is prologue.

 

The thing with me is, somethings that are wrong are tolerable to me in context. That may be the core issue... But I've loved people successfully who went through a period of this or that.

 

Emotional involvement is very difficult for me to tolerate, in fact, I find it intolerable. Harder to measure, and easier to get wrong, and changeable.

 

Which is why people draw the line much earlier...

[chickadeedee]

I just think you are making huge rationalizations to try to work around the fact that he has chosen to take a path that involves another woman besides you.

 

Occum's razor applies: The simplest explanation is the best and the most likely. So is he with this woman because he finds her hot, sexy, convenient, she has money, helps his business or some other reason that he finds advantageous? Or is it a convoluted twisted plot to run away from true love that you are tossing at him with both hands, showering him with? The former is far more likely.

 

People migrate towards sources of pleasure and reward, and away from things that offer less reward. This even applies to alcohol, where people are migrating to it because it engages the pleasure center of the brain and relaxes inhibitions. They may be self medicating for pain, but that begs the question, if the two of you are so great for each other, stimulating for each other, well matched, pleasurable etc., why isn't he migrating to you instead of someone else? I think he is trying to CONVINCE you there is a acceptable reason you should stick around and watch him bang other women and let him use you as a free shrink or ADHD coach, but why he he going to her and isn't he coming to you for stimulation and romantic love if that is what he really wants and needs? It is tempting to think he wants the same things you do, but his behavior and choices argue otherwise.

 

I suspect he may be getting into the same arguments with you that he used to justify his mistress when he was with his wife. He wants both security and familiarity and nurturing and a bunch of women to flip thru when he's in the mood.

 

I have loved people too who have had various crises in their lives, child custody disputes, financial trials etc. BUT they still wanted me and didn't try to convince me to sit around as a faithful backup plan while they took off and had relationships with other women at my expense. One of them tried, but he was a guy with long term fidelity issues who just couldn't live with just one woman in his life, and this guy's profile is exactly that.

 

So you can 'love him successfully' but you have to stop and think about what you're getting out of it if he is not loving you back and is instead with other women. If you are happy with what you are getting that is your choice, but frankly you have been totally stressed out by this and swinging back and forth over him like you're riding a pendulum. And you're WAY too enmeshed/co dependent in his personal problems as if they were your own or something you needed to weep over for him as if you were a long term faithful wife rather than an ex GF he tossed over for another woman. I really do suggest you go to a therapist to get a 'tune up' and a sanity check on whether continued contact with this guy will be healthy or not for you. Maybe if the therapist hears all the details we don't have they'll think it is OK for you to keep this guy in your life, but i suggest you do go to a professional considering everything that has gone on here and the fact that you are still really in love with him and he has moved on to someone else.

[IAmFCA]

Chickadeedee, there is just too much drama in your characterization for me to agree.

 

There are threads of truth -- likely should have just walked ages ago, just worked from a black/white scenario. His signals were gray and so were mine; that didn't happen. He won the battle to get me to remain engaged pending a face to face conversation.

 

The rest is conjecture, understanding, exploration.

[faraday]

Sorry random thread hijack- I'm going to see my doctor about meds on Wednesday. Thank you so much for the info you gave me last week.

[Batya33]

Chickadeedee, there is just too much drama in your characterization for me to agree.

 

There are threads of truth -- likely should have just walked ages ago, just worked from a black/white scenario. His signals were gray and so were mine; that didn't happen. He won the battle to get me to remain engaged pending a face to face conversation.

 

The rest is conjecture, understanding, exploration.

 

Do you mean, him telling you he is seeing another woman is a "gray" signal to you as far as whether he wants to be committed to you (and I don't mean words about getting married or the like -I mean walking the walk of being in a committed relationship with you). Or telling you he wants to be with you and then changing his mind a day later? That's also a gray signal?

[IAmFCA]

Sorry random thread hijack- I'm going to see my doctor about meds on Wednesday. Thank you so much for the info you gave me last week.

 

I am.very excited for you!

 

I am.starting a trial this week... Dunno how it's going to go but I am looking forward to learning.

 

On the thread... I am so over it and have no interest in talking anymore. Lol. So much energy but I think I figured it out so now it's sort of boring. Plus I'm falling asleep. I suppose that means he'll call shortly, of course.

[IAmFCA]

link removed

 

This link makes me mild... Lol

 

Now, I guess I know to think about my adhd self in the context of relationships. Docs only talk about it on terms of work, tasks. They need to protect us better.Would have made a point of taking meds every day rather than learn this by the seat of my pants.

 

Also ties into my appreciation of emo unavailable men, it helps keep me from getting so spun up.

 

What a learning journey this has been.

[IAmFCA]

Round and round the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel...

[IAmFCA]

Went to the intake for clinical trial today. Had same response re my ADHD as I have had elsewhere... "oh yeah, I don't think there is any question..." Questions re family history, as per observations... Do you mean, like how my parents forgot to pick me up, repeatedly, in different places, once for two hours? Or how my brother didn't make it to my wedding, but he did make it in time for the reception... AND nobody in my fam blinked an eye because that is our normal? How my dad, one of the most brilliant in the world in his area of expertise, is still firing synapses on multiple topics and tying them all togther and then explaining it his audience, all the time, at length... Honestly... is there any question?

 

Its almost funny.

 

Blood pressure was high, I was buzzing all day. Woke up to an apology about not talking yet. Oh for the love of ME, get the bleep off my phone and leave me alone. So I blasted. Later I got, "I don't know what I am doing to myself. I will read this... " I refrained from sending back "don't bother." I mean, I don't give a rat's patootie what you are doing to yourself. It is what I am doing to MYSELF that matters to me, and having you constantly say we need to talk is just ridiculous. I said I would talk to you, I did, but I have no interest any longer. It just carries on and on endlessly.

 

I know you don't want to let me go. The only reason you did is because neither she nor I would accept your terms, and you chose her for reasons that I can explain any number of ways but none of them pertain to me, nor to our dynamic together. You are fighting it because you know its wrong. You told me so yourself. You are giving in to it because its like addiction, the easy path to avoidance. Lose my number and call AA. Or recognize what you are doing and just do it.

 

Maybe after you read it you actually will not respond. Better yet, I think I will turn off my phone. Yes.

[notalady]

Good on you ITIC

[IAmFCA]

Good on you ITIC

 

Thanks.

 

I still cried this morning. For a long time, just writing and crying. Wth for I don't know. Well, I do know. I cried for me. I sincerely liked what we had. A lot. So did he. A lot.

 

Its a grieving for that joy, and also for the man I met, and for the fun I am not having with him this summer. And for the comfortable spot socially, a man who likes to entertain and whose presence let people know I have a charismatic partner by my side who makes me happy; others made comfortable that I have checked that box, shown evidence of stability and roots, gotten my personal needs met.

 

Grief passes. We move on to get what's coming. My horoscope says something about love and July 1st, I think. haahaaa I'll take it.

[Batya33]

I'm glad you're moving on. Unfortunately, it's hard but we have to minimize, if not lose, that "what do other people think" mindset. For many reasons. And anyway as you wrote many times, he did not believe in "stability" while dating as opposed to marriage - neither of you did - (as far as being exclusive) so that would have been at least in part a facade if you were holding yourselves out as an exclusive couple. Anyway, most people are far more concerned with whether their own boxes are checked, not with yours. And I think that applies equally to the man you will meet July 1st! I hope you feel better soon.

[IAmFCA]

I'm glad you're moving on. Unfortunately, it's hard but we have to minimize, if not lose, that "what do other people think" mindset. For many reasons. And anyway as you wrote many times, he did not believe in "stability" while dating as opposed to marriage - neither of you did - (as far as being exclusive) so that would have been at least in part a facade if you were holding yourselves out as an exclusive couple. Anyway, most people are far more concerned with whether their own boxes are checked, not with yours. And I think that applies equally to the man you will meet July 1st! I hope you feel better soon.

 

True.

 

My boss had taken to calling us engaged. I corrected him, but it stuck.

 

Sigh.

[IAmFCA]

Bad news, I am not yet done with my writing assignment.

Good news, my phone has been quiet. I am afraid to say I am done, but since I am pain and she is pleasure, and time is in extraordinarily short supply... I think I am done. If so, I can travel free of interruption and think not one bit of his birthday. A kind breath for me.

[faraday]

So I was diagnosed with ADD. My doctor put me on a low dose of lisdexamfetamine. I took it 2 hours ago. I already feel different. I just had an hour long conversation with a friend over Skype, and normally I check the forums and fb and stuff while talking to people (because I get bored) but I actually was able to (mostly) sit through it and pay attention. I thought this stuff would take longer to work...this is crazy.

[IAmFCA]

So I was diagnosed with ADD. My doctor put me on a low dose of lisdexamfetamine. I took it 2 hours ago. I already feel different. I just had an hour long conversation with a friend over Skype, and normally I check the forums and fb and stuff while talking to people (because I get bored) but I actually was able to (mostly) sit through it and pay attention. I thought this stuff would take longer to work...this is crazy.

 

I am excited for this new part of your journey. It IS amazing. On Adderall, the first few months were euphoric. Now, I am learning to notice the incremental improvement.... once it wears off, I pop onto eNA more, that sort of thing.

 

Nice quick turnaround on diagnosis and meds. Good work! Next, since you dig your guy, I suggest you hit up link removed to read up on adhd and relationships... fascinating stuff.

[faraday]

I've heard about hyper focus before through a friend....but since I didn't think I had ADD, I didn't apply it to myself....but I can totally see now how I *might* (ha) have hyper focused on bfs in the past (and I totally did it to Jay in the beginning, but people on eNa thankfully told me to chill the f out lol) and I can see how this led to relationships deteriorating....either through smothering, or when the focus shifted, and they felt that I didn't care about them anymore.

 

I'll check out that link.

 

you so much for posting about your ADHD...I never would have looked into it...and it's crazy because....I think my life would have gone so much differently if I had been diagnosed earlier. School was always SO hard. My test scores were always super high....but in class marks were horrible...I couldn't sit for an hour every night and read or or do homework....and God, the doodling drove teachers and profs crazy! I pulled out report cards from when I was a kid...they all say the same thing, "faraday is so bright but she needs to apply herself." Why wasn't this caught sooner? I grew up in the ADD generation where every kid was given Ritalin.

 

I mean...I am experiencing side effects already.....I'm totally jittery...but my brother said it wears off after a few months...and I know this is just the first day...but I feel completely different....idk...I feel excited! My doctor said that having ADD can lead to depression because people aren't as productive as they want to be, and they're bored...and restless....so I wonder....does ADD have something to do with the random bouts of depression?

 

Just...wow.

 

I'm so glad you talked about it.

[IAmFCA]

Faraday,

 

I was SO depressed last year - two years ago, and I don't have a history of depression. Doc said, of course you were. You are sitting there with two full time jobs basically, and no ability to process or to pick out the important detail, and one thing piles up after another. I was watching my life erode away despite my energy and ability and opportunity.

 

Learning about myself and getting medication both have been important to resolving. Behavioral modification is important too; there is no quick fix. I am still time-blind, detail-blind.

 

This Mr Wow thread relates. It has been so frustrating to me to let this attachment go, in part because I see the destruction of something good as a symptom of add and not a reflection of what works.

 

Last night he texted -- I have since deleted and now I wish I could quote it -- that he never felt before the way he felt when he was letting me go, that it felt like the right thing to do but that he couldn't understand why. He thought, maybe he tanked our relationship as a way of punishing himself, somehow; he was reaching for an explanation even for himself.

 

I have decided that if I were the right person for him, it would not have felt right to end it. I NEED to decide that. There is a strong part of me that would readily buy an argument to the contrary, that he was creating chaos because he is more comfortable with chaos than certainty. That is the new part of ADHD that I am finding a challenge: what is real, and what is looking for stimulation in all the wrong places. Argh.

[faraday]

I get easily overwhelmed too. I compensate by making to do lists every morning, and going through them and checking them off...but even then...I end up making sub lists to break down each task...or I end up feeling overwhelmed.

 

How long ago were you diagnosed? How many different meds did you need to try before you found the right one?

 

Today was another ridiculously productive day....even when I'm sitting and taking a break, I feel like getting up and doing stuff. It's awesome.

 

Was mr wow medicated?

[IAmFCA]

Mr Wow makes lists every morning and does an impressive job of finishing them. It works because he has an area in his house that is centrally located and dedicated to the list. He takes...Symbalta? Oh my goodness that is NOT right. Or maybe it is. I can't go look it up or I'll never get back to here lol

 

I have tried only adderall. Getting the dosing right, and learning how to notice its impact, was more my journey. Still don't sleep, never have, and that needs fixing in a huge way.

 

This evening on my way home, I felt two things... It's okay if I never talk to mr wow again. It's okay. I had that internal sensation while sitting in traffic.

 

I realize his issue, it felt right to break up, to him, but he didn't know if it felt right for wrong reasons, like self destruction, avoidance, etc. Who cares? If those are his issues, it was right anyway. If I just said bye because his path has redirected him elsewhere, then that means something better is in store for me. I'm good with that.

 

It is nice to be without a man. I.am lucky that I get hit up on line, so I don't feel invisible for too long. Nobody is good enough. Really, like, nobody. That's cool. I'm happier every freaking day of my life than I was before, and better, and I just can't imagine going backwards. So, some sweet spot is out there for me. I'll walk right into it, I know.

 

I am excited for you, Faraday.

[IAmFCA]

I figured out both the benefit of NC and why I have never been comfortable with it.

 

When I focus on NC, it's asking myself to put a bandaid on an infection. It doesn't get to what's underneath. I get it,NC protects us while we figure out the cause of the infection. For me, I have to pick at it pick at it until I get to the cause and solution. Otherwise, it is just anxiety and disorder for me.

 

I gotta say, he stayed graceful and available until he could see that he had escorted me to a warm place. I didn't always understand his intentions, nor did he. Loving me and feeling he should leave me were confusing; the man I work with concurs with mr wows logic- it never made sense to me. It made sense when he said it felt right to break. Knowing it felt right I didn't know. It seems obvious but his behavior kept illustrating his struggle with his decision. But it felt right. That gives me enormous peace.

I have the sense of order now, and the NC results from looking at the path ahead of me, which naturally directs my attention elsewhere and lo and behold, NC happens.

 

I've used NC explicitly a few years ago when I was addicted to a man and needed to get off the drug. This time is nothing like that. It's just, oh ok, my path goes this way, and yours goes that way. I get it!

 

Peace and love all over again, just like at the start.

 

Sigh.

 

Switching over to the Out with the Old, in with the New.