From Wow to more Wow? My "I just knew" journal of wonder.

[IAmFCA]

Do you mean you two are now in an exclusive relationship?

 

Yes.

 

When he said the comment, Never in my life... on Friday, he was driving, I was standing outside his car opposite side. I just walked away, cheerful, but with nothing left to contribute. Went on my date, had a great time. Woke up Saturday feeling sick, canceled my run and my Saturday date, left my house before construction began. Drove to his house, where his friend still was after the concert outing the night before. I wanted to be there, so that's where I went. I thought, I can't blog about this, I'll drive everyone crazy. Took a nap at Mr Wows house. Met his two best friends for the first time. Spent the day visiting. Said to Mr wow, "you know we've been seeing each other the whole time we said we weren't seeing each other." "Well, I don't like it the other way," he said. I overheard his friend counseling him, She's a good one, don't give up.

 

he asked if I would make a road trip with him saturday night, and I said yes but we have to go running first. Our run was funny, we made a game to tease each other and laugh at ourselves. I can't! He would say. Yes I can, I would say. He came up with creative ways to be negative in new chants while I chanted funny ways to be positive. In the end I ran extra hills and push ups while he chatted with a neighbor, an illustration that he will not be holding me back. We road tripped to do something of interest to both of us and not usually available. Had a great time as always. I told him I had canceled a date, he was uncomfortable hearing of the shoe on the other foot. I wanted him to know I had tested myself, since he had done the same. It was a rich conversation, full of bravado on both our parts. What's good for the goose never occurred to the goose might be good for the gander.The whole point was Yes, we can have anybody, but neither one of us wants to be with anyone else. And we said that to each other - I don't want to be with anyone else.

 

At one point he said something about his father, I said I'm done talking about you and I don't give a damn. It made him laugh. He tried to give me grief about kissing this guy, and I was incredulous.

 

He asked about an ex, one who remains in his imagination as a good option for me. He has been asking about this ex a few times and I am glad. It tells me he is trying to understand how I come to choose him. I was able to tell him a few things that made it clear how great the ex was and that being with Mr w2ow is greater. How a relationship with the ex made my world smaller, whereas with Mr wow its bigger. He understood that immediately, even understanding how we are even better. It was concrete and credible.

 

We argued, coarsely but somehow not like an argument more like tug of war, about the definition of cheating, what a doozy that was. He cites the legal definition, which is absurd. So I said, fine. If I do everything else, but not that, I didn't cheat. This made him angry. I don't care, he said. That made me laugh. I knew he saw the point. In the morning, I said, I don't want you with anyone else. Ok, he said (still sleeping, really).

 

On the way home, he began to show more delicate affection, as he used to last fall actually, saying, I should have been doing this the whole way.

 

We frequently refer to memories together, wondering if anyone else has it as good as we do. we've always done this...

 

Early on I said something about him dumping me and he said, or you dumping me. later He recalled things I had told him on our first date. .. there was no reason for me to share these particular details so early. I had no idea I had done that. It's obvious I do my own sabotaging as well. We agreed we weren't sure who dumped whom first or last, we acknowledged that we both were trying to kill it. We decided that's just our way, shrug.

 

All of this talk happens while we maintain good spirits, dancing or laughing etc.

[Batya33]

I enjoyed reading about the fun time you had! You are satisfied that you two are on the same page about being an exclusive couple -good!

[IAmFCA]

Do you mean you two are now in an exclusive relationship?

 

I enjoyed reading about the fun time you had! You are satisfied that you two are on the same page about being an exclusive couple -good!

 

The key is I just keep doing what I feel like and let him lead. He feels a desire to be someone for me whom he is not capable of being; fear of failure is acute right now. So, I do my thing, let him manage his pace.

[Batya33]

The key is I just keep doing what I feel like and let him lead. He feels a desire to be someone for me whom he is not capable of being; fear of failure is acute right now. So, I do my thing, let him manage his pace.

 

This is your journal so if that makes sense to you -and I mean literally -that is all that matters. I guess one question to maybe try to understand what you wrote in terms of you answering "yes" to are you exclusive - you can do what you feel like meaning you can accept a date with someone else if you "feel like"? And you believe he is not capable of being exclusive with you -is that what you mean "desire to be someone for me who he is not capable of being" (because he's scared as you wrote).

 

Again it doesn't matter if I don't understand what it means to say "yes we are exclusive" and then to write something that I think suggests that you can continue to do what you feel like and that you believe he is saying yes even though he isn't capable of living up to yes. But sure if you care to clarify, go for it -no need of course!

[mhowe]

I feel like I just finished a marathon....

[IAmFCA]

oh, what I meant was, let him be. let him come to me.

[IAmFCA]

I feel like I just finished a marathon....

 

Ain't that the truth.

[Batya33]

oh, what I meant was, let him be. let him come to me.

 

I thought he did "come to you" by wanting to be exclusive with you. Having said that, it's your journal, your interpretation, your beliefs about what this all means and you are happy with what he is saying and doing.

[IAmFCA]

I thought he did "come to you" by wanting to be exclusive with you. Having said that, it's your journal, your interpretation, your beliefs about what this all means and you are happy with what he is saying and doing.

 

Yes he did.

 

Now I let him do that on a regular basis.

 

It is easy for me to have activities, ideas to do. I've got more room in my brain for that. I'll do some of that on my own. He loves it when I invite him, but I will regulate it better so he can feel his contributions.

[IAmFCA]

Little things make me feel good. The good night text I just received made me feel good.

[mhowe]

I am happy you are happy.

[IAmFCA]

I am happy you are happy.

 

Thank you.

 

I know that what makes me tick is specific to me; everyone has their own thing. I've gotten used to texting because my daughters and I are in one another's vicinity much of the time. I like how texting requires less of my attention and is less intrusive. A good night text feels nice, and it is something he is intentional about.

 

I think we're in a spot where we can let each moment build on the prior, and let it unfold.

[IAmFCA]

Out with the old

- therapy talk

- bf gf thinking

- winter blues, surgery, sedentary living

- late night phone calls

- worrying about that particular woman

- worrying about any woman

 

In with the now

- do my thing

- run, strong, work

- accept the gifts I'm given

- see my friends

- I have a guy when I want one thinking

- Responsible for myself, nobody else, including how he dates me

- Remember Eva Longoria conversation

[Batya33]

If that way of interacting with your boyfriend works for you and makes you happy then that's all that matters!

[IAmFCA]

Out with the old

- therapy talk

- bf gf thinking

- winter blues, surgery, sedentary living

- late night phone calls

- worrying about that particular woman

- worrying about any woman

 

In with the now

- do my thing

- run, strong, work

- accept the gifts I'm given

- see my friends

- I have a guy when I want one thinking

- Responsible for myself, nobody else, including how he dates me

- Remember Eva Longoria conversation

 

If that way of interacting with your boyfriend works for you and makes you happy then that's all that matters!

 

Interesting to me too.

 

Definitely on a journey as I build non codependent habits and find the balance between CD and interdependence.

 

Mostly though, this is just what works. I'd rather be with family then waste my time with people who I won't choose to keep around months from now.

 

And I have little time for much else, if I am honest about it. Just would rather play with my guy than tackle what is waiting for me to resolve.

 

I think this will lead to a better balance for me as an individual.

 

Edited- Adding: these are my rules that make me comfortable and reflect a recalibration of my sense of emotional safety. No clue what his expectations are if he even has any, don't want to know. A way to think of what happened -- we met, exploded like fire, got ahead of ourselves, and backed up to test what's real and recalibrate. For me, I needed to reclaim my path with more authority. This list does that for me.

[IAmFCA]

Just posting for fun.

 

I feel good today.

[mhowe]

Nice to see you out of the fog bank. Enjoy the "sun".

[IAmFCA]

Nice to see you out of the fog bank. Enjoy the "sun".

 

Oh my goodness! What WAS all that about??

 

On Saturday I called him a drama queen. I'm not a drama queen!!! he said. With pride, he said, I am a Drama KING.

 

Clearly, Saturday was a recovery/laugh at ourselves day. Like, okay, now we've both run scared, gone out with other people, dumped each other, and generally tried to avoid this thing. When I drove over there on Saturday morning and knocked on his door, it was because that was where I wanted to be. It was simply that clear. I kept thinking, my eNA friends are going to have a field day with this. He welcomed me with enthusiasm, and without a hint of "well this is unexpected". His friend was like, why did you knock? You should have just let yourself in. With his best friends and beers that started flowing before noon as if they were in a college dorm, there I was, as relaxed as everyone else minus the beer. When they heard my terms for the road trip were that we had to go on a run first, his friends objected. I stayed firm. I didn't have to be anyone but myself. I was reflect his life back to him a bit as well, by telling him how obvious it is that his friends love him deeply.

 

We had an enlightening conversation on the road, when I discovered that his friends don't know about all the court battles. He is ashamed of it. I likened it to women who have experienced rape (of whom I am one - I make myself say that as a matter of habit when the topic comes up for just this reason) who don't talk about it because it feels like we somehow contributed to the cause. We counted five men we know who have been frivolously charged with child abuse etc. None of them like to talk about it. If men would speak up about being vulnerable to a systemic abuse of their rights, maybe we would see changes in understanding and attitudes. I used to think there had to be evidence to support to file a criminal charge, but there doesn't. His charges simply say "probable cause" - which cause would seem to be that they divorced, or maybe that as a divorced exH he was jealous of her bf; it is unclear what the cause would be. There was a day he was jailed; he never was given a clear indication exactly what for, and was told he wasn't even supposed to have been arrested but the computer system hadn't yet been updated so they had to jail him then set him free. In fantasy land the state would be held responsible for a system that permits this sort of abuse; in real life, one just tries to get through it.

[missmarple]

Good luck, ITIC...here's to a happy ending

[IAmFCA]

Good luck, ITIC...here's to a happy ending

 

MM, Thank you. Glad to move on.

[IAmFCA]

Reflecting for a minute

 

While we were sitting about, he occasionally would look at his bff and say Isn't she beautiful? Or say something about how smart I am, that I sail, how much I know about music... Like he was sitting there saying to himself Look who is sitting here! then looking at his friend and saying Can you believe it? Saturday it began to dawn on him... I think she likes me! I saw him in his natural habitat, on a weekend set aside for indulgent blowing-off-steam behavior, no charm, no shower even, no nothing. I drove myself there, I needed somewhere to be comfortable and chose his home, there was no artifice on his end attracting me to him. I simply wanted to be present.

 

I asked him later, do you stay in touch with people you've dated just a short while? I was thinking of our analysis here, of him hoarding people. No, he said. I mean, I am friendly, but not really, no.

 

Friendships form slowly; he told me a funny, recent sort-of-date story to share it with me, starting out with "I have a confession" but it was really to share with me what happened because it was funny. There aren't many dates of consequence that I don't know about. Many people don't like this sort of sharing; I always have liked it. The only activity he used to keep to himself was the exGF/business partner; she was in full view to me at first and then in 1Q 2015 he began to protect their space. There is nothing intimate going on there now.

 

There is little that concerns me, frankly. He knows who I am and where we each stand. If I need to make choices, I can now make them in good conscience and with good information, and knowing he has the same.

 

Unrelated:

I am keeping my fb blocked; there is no reason for him to search for me on fb. In fact, I need to do a social networking audit and find old passwords etc and make sure I am invisible as much as I want to be. It is time for a new, less accessible era.

[IAmFCA]

sigh

 

its the little things

[mhowe]

sigh

 

its the little things

 

Amen to that sister!

[chickadeedee]

>>Unrelated am keeping my fb blocked; there is no reason for him to search for me on fb. In fact, I need to do a social networking audit and find old passwords etc and make sure I am invisible as much as I want to be. It is time for a new, less accessible era.

 

ok *confused*

 

Are you saying you are not intimate partners/BF/GF now and just in an undefined 'just seeing each other' or FWB situation, or did you move to the next level of commitment with him (monogamous, agreeing to actually not seeing anyone else)?

 

sorry, i'm genuinely confused since you are blocking him on FB now but also talking about deep emotional intimacies with him.

[IAmFCA]

>>Unrelated am keeping my fb blocked; there is no reason for him to search for me on fb. In fact, I need to do a social networking audit and find old passwords etc and make sure I am invisible as much as I want to be. It is time for a new, less accessible era.

 

ok *confused* Are you saying you are not intimate partners/BF/GF now and just in an undefined 'seeing each other situation,' or did you move to the next level of commitment? sorry, genuinely confused since you are blocking him on FB now.

 

 

We have been clear as day. I don't see what the issue is. Sheesh.

 

 

lolololol

 

 

 

I never friend anyone I have dated or am dating on fb, ever. He and I will send screenshots of posts to each other and yet neither has asked to friend the other. It is something I don't do. I had blocked him some time ago. Last night I actually unblocked him because last night I stayed up too late and was just off my rocker, but all of my posts are private anyhow.

 

The bigger point is I just don't feel like being visible on line in a fb search, OLD searches, or anywhere. I have old OLD profiles that I haven't seen in years, out there floating about. Need to find them and figure out how to get rid of them. I will keep my OKC hidden as always; other ones I don't have a clue how to log in and delete.

 

Oh, and yes, some sort of intimate partner/sexual exclusivity/bf-gf thing that I am not going to label so that I don't live in any minute beyond this one.

 

I keep editing...

 

I am tempted to friend him on fb, and I am grateful for my rule that prevents me from doing it. He needs to feel space between us for him to fill. If I keep filling it, it prevents him from finding a way to invest in the relationship. My brother has friended him though, and I relaized this morning he must have told me the date story because she posted it on fb and my brother would have seen that. My brother didn't mention it to me and wouldn't and knows I dated someone else anyway...

 

Brother understands Mr Wow the same way I do. My college roomie too - both of them are of the mind, Y'all go on and date other people if you want. It doesn't matter. You will end up together anyway. I may go out for a drink with a fellow I have been wanting to meet; I imagine Mr Wow will do the same on occasion. Or, he and I might both think we will, but never actually make the plan. Who cares. We are not ready to make a lifelong commitment anyway, and if a drink with someone else serves to pull him away from me, let him go. If it serves to reinforce our connection, then bully for us. Same with respect to me. If we ever choose to spend our time that way in the first place.... What would send me is the more valuable time/effort/meaning of creating an experience with someone else -- that would signal something else entirely.

 

So maybe we are sexually and memory-making exclusive. SMME. He was raised like I was -- date whomever until you put a ring on it. Its a little weird in modern society.

 

Anyway, I digress. Yes, we are together, and yes, we can not see each other's fb except for public posts.