My Adoring Fiancee left me like a bolt out of the blue

[jane4221]

My fiancee left me suddenly 3 days ago with no explanation beyond that he "couldn´t do it anymore."

 

We were under a great deal of stress with his job, heavy financial pressure and illness of my child and at the time we´d been rendered homeless due to a problem with our house so there were pressures and on top of that he´d also quit smoking a few days before. Our relationship was great though as far as I knew and we were getting through it together. The day previous he had texted me from work "I really love you. Just thinking that" and we´d gone for a romantic dinner and had a lovely evening. Even on the morning of the day it happened he wrote that he loved me in the condensation on the shower glass.

 

We were in a hotel room with my son asleep next door and he just came out with this suddenly, said he needed a break but it wasn´t permanent, told me he loved me but couldn´t do it and left. I was incredibly shocked but thought he would be back the next day or something.

 

Sadly, he texted me the next day to say he was sorry but relationship was over and that he was too upset to talk or explain but that he would eventually and he asked me to tell my son he was sorry.

 

As I mentioned we were rendered homeless and due to move that day and he told me he had got another place of his own and he wanted myself and my son to move back to my family (8 hours away!). A series of very cold texts and emails followed asking me to pack up and leave the keys on the counter, which I did as we basically had no place else to go.

 

We have been together for 4 years and his son and my son consider themselves brothers. My son considers him as the only father he has ever known and we were a family. My son has been pulled out of school and I have lost my home, future husband and entire life in 72 hours. The devastation is almost unbearable.

 

He had showed signs of depression building over the past few months, and in the days previously he had been extremely stressed (vomiting, palpitations) and he had said repeatedly like he felt he could not take any more stress or bad news and that he was finding it difficult to work or think. I cuddled him and told him it would be ok. I know he was worrying about where we would live and how we would pay the costs of the hotel, but everything between us was wonderful and i felt like we would get over the problem together.

 

He is known for being a very kind, gentle man and all of our friends are just completely blindsided. EVERYBODY loves him because he is such a sweet guy and he NEVER acts on impulse.

 

He won´t talk to anyone at all and has gone to his parents 2 hours away from where we lived to “recover” saying he is not even sure he will ever go back to work. The only friend who has managed to talk to him said he sounded lost, devastated and robotic but that he said he had clarity that we had no future together and that he was too upset to speak beyond that and needed to be left alone because he had fears for his own mental stability from the pain and that he´d cried himself to sleep for days.

 

Because his texts and messages were so final and so incredibly cold, I have only called him once. He said he was afraid to tell me that he no longer loved me. I asked him if it had been brewing for a while and he said "no, it was a sudden decision". I asked him if there was someone else and he said "no". he said he was too upset to talk further and hung up.

 

Everyone we know says they have never seen a man more obviously in love with a woman than he was with me and that they´d never seen him so happy. At our engagement party a few months he bought me another diamond and proposed to me all over again in front of all our friends and family. Over the past few months we´ve discussed our wedding and his eyes have brimmed with tears of happiness. It´s plain for anyone to see. He was desperately in love. Over the past few weeks I have been looking for any signs, but can find none. He sent me constant messages to tell me how much he loved me, could not stop thinking about me. He called me when he was drunk on his office dinner to tell me that he loved me inexplicably, could not wait to marry me and that he´d told his work friends that he was the luckiest man alive. We´ve been making love constantly, tender kissing...literally a fairytale relationship.

 

I adored this man...I know everyone says that but I REALLY did.

 

I know I am grasping...but I am desperately trying to understand how someone can do this and suddenly turn completely cold like a completely different person. Can pressure build up and stress make a man completely turn his back on his family and fiancée that he loves desperately and have some sort of mental breakdown to cause this? Or can a person just decide they don´t want a life in just a moment?

 

I am feeling desperate.

[ItSaFour]

Oh my goodness sweetheart. There is nothing anyone can say to even begin to help you heal from this. When I began to read your post I thought to myself -- I have been through the same thing twice! On two separate occasions (one being this morning) Things were going swimmingly and BAM they decided to up and leave. Then I kept reading on and all I want to do is give you a hug. Additionally, your poor son, and the son of your ex. I know it is cliche, and I know it is ridiculously difficult -- but stay strong and know that better times HAVE to be ahead. You have every right to cry for days and weeks, but know that it is a way to heal and spend as much time as you can with your sweet boy and any friends or family that you can. Better times are ahead, they have to be. No matter how wonderful of a person he may be -- this was a major jerk move. There is working on things with your partner, and having communication, constantly... and there is taking the cowards way out -- and running. He took the route that was easiest for him, and selfishly so. That is NOT your fault. You will be stronger because of this, even though it is so hard to see right now. Stay strong sweetie, stay strong. Breath by breath, minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day -- you will see better days.

[missmarple]

Stress and some kind of depression can do that to people, yes.

If you were on your own, I would tell you to stand by him, be his friend, suggest a therapist etc etc..but you're not. There's a child involved in all this and that child should be your number 1 priority.

Take your son and go back to your family and try to rebuild your life. I know it's hard but you have yourself and your son to think of...if this guy ever decides to get help and wants you back, he'll know where to find you. Although, personally, once a guy pulled something like that to me (stress or no stress) and especially if I had a kid, I would never give him another chance.

[Cherry009]

I am so sorry to hear about this. To be honest I don't think he just fell out of love with you in a day, it sounds like he is having a complete mental breakdown, some people turn to those they love and some push them away. Leave him alone for now to work on himself, I don't think he is in a good place right now, I am not making excuses for him but it sounds like everything was going wrong and all came crashing down at once, some deal with it the way your guy has, it is very frustrating, he may come back or he may not, you need to work on taking care of yourself and you son for now. I have a feeling he will come back when reality hits, if he does .....don't let him back lightly, let him know that it was heartbreaking for you and he has a lot of making up to do!

[SpottiOtti]

Oh my gosh, I am so so sorry that this has happened to you. I can't even imagine the pain you must be feeling. And the children as well. I hope that he comes to his senses in a week or something, having had an epiphany and ready to move forward. >>>>

[savignon]

Sounds like a mental break down to me but you can't concern yourself with what he's going through (impossible I know)...you have to focus on your son and keep yourself together for his sake. I know that's hard (from personal experience) and that it doesn't help. I'm so sorry your life turned around so unexpectedly. There is a reason why although you may not see it for a long time to come. Have faith, treat yourself well and take care of your little guy. He and yourself are your priorities. *hugs*

[iam42]

I am so very very sorry to hear of your loss. I know how shocking it is to be left abruptly and disrespectfully by a gentle and loving partner. there can be such cognitive dissonance coming to terms with poor treatment from a delicate man, especially if the person has earned your deep trust and care. in your case, combining families and getting engaged make this loss all the more shocking and painful. my heart truly goes out to you.

 

one thing I have learned is that even the most fragile, depressed, panicky partners end relationships because they feel that it is somehow in their own best interest to do so. they are not thinking deeply of the impacts of their choice on you. they are thinking that breaking up with you is the right thing to do for themselves right now - even if the idea of it tortures and devastates them. this is an internal experience and, until or unless there is an internal shift, the breakup remains a reality.

 

I say this because I understand your need to understand what happened and to even care for your man through his evident breakdown. but what I encourage you to do is to think about you and your little one. do your best to stabilize your lives. it will take a long time to get past this. and, when you are stronger, really assess the harm that this man has done to your and your son's life - and never let him back in.

 

I am so so sorry.

[SapphireNoir10]

He may have been a kind and loving partner but his actions now aren't that of a good or caring partner. Yes things have been hard but they've been hard on you too. He may be having a break down but that's no excuse to leave you out of nowhere and behave so coldly towards you. He could have at least treated you with kindness and respect during the break up. I feel so sorry for your sons as well!

 

All I can say is I'm so sorry, give him space and stay no contact and try and move on as best you can. You deserve more.

[abitbroken]

Sometimes people get romantic at the end out of regret or trying to decide if they really want to go through with things.

 

Did you guys ever have honest talks about his fears? Or finances? If he was enthusiastic about the wedding but was also vomitting, could it be that he feared he could not support the four of you and be the provider but was too proud to say? That your son's illness and more so losing the house was the nail in the coffin? Did you work out a plan when it looked like you would lose the house for you to work more?

 

It is puzzling how one goes from buying a second diamond to losing a house in a short amount of time. Maybe you dodged a bullet because he was not ready to marry but was trying to convince himself?

[jane4221]

Sometimes people get romantic at the end out of regret or trying to decide if they really want to go through with things.

 

Did you guys ever have honest talks about his fears? Or finances? If he was enthusiastic about the wedding but was also vomitting, could it be that he feared he could not support the four of you and be the provider but was too proud to say? That your son's illness and more so losing the house was the nail in the coffin? Did you work out a plan when it looked like you would lose the house for you to work more?

 

It is puzzling how one goes from buying a second diamond to losing a house in a short amount of time. Maybe you dodged a bullet because he was not ready to marry but was trying to convince himself?

 

He was always that romantic, so this wasn´t anything that increased before he left.

 

The vomiting was after we had to leave our house.. before that he was talking weddings he was totally normal. It was only once we found out we had to leave the house that his major stress symptoms kicked in. He got very quiet and withdrawn compared to usual. Understandably so! When he found out it felt like a huge blow to us all.

 

Our finances were not that bad, his concern was that we were not getting our debts down, that we didn´t own a home etc. Day to day money was ok...it was more of a concern for improving things for the future.

 

The problem with the house was not that we lost it due to finances. The house was actually unfit for safe habitation with damp which caused mould and as there was an issue with the landlord we needed to find a new house but none were available for rent so we were kind of stuck with nowhere to actually live by default.

 

As I went over and over it today, I realised that maybe he resented me for us having to move out of the house due to my son´s illness, as I guess without it, him and his son could have just stayed in the house for as long as it took to get a new place. Maybe he felt like being responsible for us was too much for him. However, I can´t regret the decision (on doctors advice) that we took to get him out of the house. He got bad asthma / pneumonia, two bouts of flu in succession, chest pains, rashes, muscle cramps and was home for 7 weeks off school sick with fatigue too bad to run or play. For 6 months previous he had been coughing etc. It took us a long time to find out what the allergy was because it was not that obvious visually. The docs thought it was hayfever for ages until winter started to come. They said it was likely to be a ca of chronic exposure to breathing in the mould spores which some kids have a very bad reaction to. We ran a home mould testing kit which said we had a very high concentration of mould spores in the whole of the upstairs and I felt that my son could get sicker if I dind´t get him out. As it worked out within a week of being out of the house he was healthy again for the first time in about 8 months.

 

I did offer at the time for me and my son to go stay with family while we waited for a place to come on the market in a week or two, but my fiancee refused as he said he didn´t want to be alone without me. I think with hindsight he probably felt like I had made a drama at a time when he really didn´t need anything else to worry about, and maybe he just didn't want "our" problems to drag HIM down. Like at that time when he felt totally on the edge, he wanted to look after just number 1.

 

As for the second diamond, it was a small one, but yes, the main cause of the credit cards getting run up was his own spending. Usually being generous but he honestly wasn´t so good with money.

 

your responses have all been really helpful, thank you

[t1lersm0m1]

Right now you are looking for answers. And you will drive yourself crazy looking for answers. It doesn't matter why, because you can't change his mind. All you can do right now is take what he's said at face value (that your relationship is over) and focus on your son. In the midst of break up we try to find the why, because if we can find the why we can fix or change it. All you can do is give him his space right now. This may be a mental breakdown, and maybe he will be back. But maybe he won't. It sucks, but you need to plan for him not coming back. If you hold out hope for him coming back, it will delay your healing.

 

You have been together a long time, and had a wonderful, happy life, and more happiness planned in the future. The rug has been pulled out from under you. I'm so sorry this has happened. It's going to take a while. You're going to think of him. Let the thoughts come. You're going to cry...that's normal and healthy. Take care of yourself, and your son. Pamper yourself and lean on friends and family.

 

Make sure you are eating and sleeping. If you have a hard time sleeping, take melatonin (it did wonders for me last year). Your son needs you to be well.

 

xoxo

[jane4221]

I got my explanation.

 

He spoke to me and said that stress build up had made him feel like he no longer loved me, and that the escalation of that stress had pushed him over the edge. He said this all built up over two weeks and that it was a snap decision. I asked him why he hadn´t talked to me about it and he said he had decided he didn´t want to carry on being a stepdad to my son due to the constant problems that it brings.

 

I got complete closure at that moment.

 

Pretty much as bad as it gets, but it goes to prove...you can know a person all your life, and if you put them under enough stress they can turn into a monster.

 

Will never let this man back into my life and am so glad he s

[FreeFallFeelin]

I feel for you Sara. That is a lot to deal with on top of having a broken heart.

 

I know how bewildering it is to see the person you would surrender your life to just turn around leave you for dead. The feeling is beyond words and does seem unbearable. The insult, the injury, the confusion, the anger, the emptiness. I know from my own experience, as well as from what friends and other people here on ENA have shared about their own "out of the blue" stories, that people certainly can change dramatically, suddenly. It's like waking up to a nightmare, thinking that you had been living in a dream all this time.

 

I understand that he was very loving towards you in the relationship, but did he ever show signs of being impulsive or unstable? If you can detect a pattern, it might help make things less confusing. Did he ever express animosity about being a stepfather to your son, or was this a new revelation?

[jane4221]

Thanks so much for your kind words. I do feel all those feelings.

 

Honestly..no..he never once showed any sign of impulsive whatsoever. He was the most slow thinking careful man I ever met. As I said he waited 3 years in a dead, sexless marriage before filing for divorce with his previous wife. I PICKED him as a stepdad and husband BECAUSE he was the most stable, reliable person.

 

He showed signs of getting irritated a lot by my son, but he always gave the impression that he loved him. When he was sick he left work early to rush to ER. He played with him patiently and taught him how to do stuff. He always had time for him. He cried with pride when he did well in school. I GENUINELY believed that he loved him so it was a totally new revelation. I do think he had resentment to both the kids in a way though subtly because I guess he wanted more time with me.

[chitown9]

Gosh, what a huge disappointment he turned out to be. What it really turns out to be is that he is immature, as evidenced not only about his reluctance to take on your son with his health problems, but also by his poor management of money. It also sounds like he had some type of mental breakdown. I am so sorry this happened to you, but thankful that you do have family to turn to. ...chi

[Iggles]

I think with hindsight he probably felt like I had made a drama at a time when he really didn´t need anything else to worry about, and maybe he just didn't want "our" problems to drag HIM down. Like at that time when he felt totally on the edge, he wanted to look after just number 1.

 

After detailing how sick your son was from the mold, I can't get over how selfish this man is! Your son was suffering in that house and he's upset that he wasn't able to stay in his home? Its stressful to move out on short notice but I have little doubt that if it was his son who was sick from the mold he would feel resentful about it! There would be no question of leaving or not!

 

This man is weak and you are better off without him!

 

I am so sorry you're going through this, OP

 

Edited to add:

Just read your updates. That's awful! This man is a piece of crap. In a way, you dodged a bullet avoiding tying your life further to him. Your son deserves a stepdad who fully accepts and loves him. Take care of yourself and your son, OP. You will get through this!

[abitbroken]

If your son hadn't been so sick from the mold - one of you eventually would have.

[jane4221]

You are all so right. I had believed for a long time that I was with a person of pure heart, who was completely selfless and who loved me with every fibre of his being. The shock of all this has been difficult to cope with because as FreeFallFeelin said; he just left me for dead. That´s such a hard thing to accept. I could accept falling out of love...but leaving me for dead...it´s too hard to understand.

 

I have been bargaining by imagining that there must be some mistake, that he must not be thinking with a clear head, that the love is obviously still there (I hear that he is still in a complete state, crying, unable to work) but it doesn´t change the fact which is that he left us to spare himself when we needed him the most. The person that I loved every day for so many years is not real and i feel like a wall has gone up in my mind where I don´t even remember him.

 

Yesterday was my birthday and I was so terribly lonely and sad. He texted me to wish me Happy Birthday and again to say goodnight. It was so strange not to be with him. However I woke this morning after sleeping for the for the first time since this happened and didn´t miss him and felt no love anymore. If someone had told me a week ago that I could ever NOT love this man I would never have believed it...I believed I would love this man after death...that nothing on heaven and earth could ever part us, but it feels like something died.

 

I have to find my grief, my anger...but for now..all there is is an empty space and I feel like I am gone. Like he took me with him when he left.

 

Now, I am supposed to be going to look at apartments, and get my son into school. It´s such a big city and I am used to now living in a remote village. I feel lost and alone and confused. The one thing I do miss is home. I wish that today I could take my son to school, go into my office, have my things and some familiarity around me so that I could grieve or think or do anything at all without needing to work out so many logistics. I feel completely lost.

 

I know I will find the strength from somewhere, but right now everything seems so be over. I don´t know who I am, and the entire world seems like a stranger to me.

[jane4221]

Does anyone else have a similar story of someone they thought they had a happy and solid relationship walking out on them with no good reason like this? I think it would help me to hear similar experiences from others,

[faraday]

Does anyone else have a similar story of someone they thought they had a happy and solid relationship walking out on them with no good reason like this? I think it would help me to hear similar experiences from others,

 

I was part of a different forum...and this happened to one of the members there last year right after Christmas. They had been together slightly less than a year. When they met it was fireworks...he asked her to move in after 5 months...then at around 11 months, right after they had spent a really nice Christmas together, he snapped. He just left one day. Told her to get out of his place. It took her several months to come to terms with it and move on....she seems happy now.

 

There are a lot of people that aren't very in touch with their feelings. They do things out of obligation...but when all the small points of unhappiness combine, those people hit their breaking point and snap...seemingly without warning. It scares the hell out of me.

[chitown9]

Hi Sara Jane,

You asked about similar stories. What came to mind is a conversation that I had with a woman at the police station. I was there waiting to make a police report and she was waiting to talk to an officer about her 25 year old son who dissapeared. She said that she went to the store and when she returned he was gone. He did not take his wallet or money with him. She explained that he had been depressed for a few months. She found a note that said he was moving on and sorry he caused her problems. He had been missing for 24 hours. He had no history of mental illness, according to her. I felt very sorry for the mother...she had no sleep and had searched everywhere she could think of but could not find him.

[jane4221]

He phoned me tonight twice. First time to say he had begun to calm down and feel better and he wanted to tell me he was very sad and felt weird. Said it had not really hit him, and he was realising how stressed he was, but that he felt like I had changed over the past few months. I explained I was under the same stress as him, and of course I had changed. I was friendly and kind but emotionless - not willing to let him take my dignity too.

 

He called again a few hours later to tell me he was packing up the rest of the house, but that he was finding it too hard. He said he wants me to take my things properly, and can he pay for a flight for me to come up for the weekend, no kids, and pack up our home together and say goodbye. He said he wants me to take my engagement ring back because it belongs to me.

 

He says he loves and wants to see my son, and can he and his son come and spend occasional weekends with us and vice versa. He said he handled it without thinking at all because he was upset / angry / stressed and feeling completely incapable of doing anything.

 

He wants to book me a flight, and he wanted me to stay two nights instead of one.

 

I don´t want to read into it too much, but I presume it mean he does at least CARE about me, and presumably that he is also missing me now the dust has settled. Also means eh does care about our family, and our children.

 

It made me feel a little better in a sense to know these things, but at the same time I have a dilemma.

 

Should I go and do the goodbye thing, and will it help give me closure, or will this make me feel only worse?

[faraday]

Tell him to pack up your stuff and send it to you. Meeting him will make this ending harder. Closure never comes like this...closure comes from within.

[Iggles]

I agree. Ask him to send your things. Don't meet with him!

 

He'll get what he wants (closure, a chance to ease his guilt and end with happier memories, and break up sex) and you'll be even more emotionally gutted.

 

Nothing has changed. Notice how he specifically stated he wanted you to come. No kids. Even after destroying your world he's consistently selfish about getting time alone with you for his ends.

[jane4221]

I´m feeling like I want to see him, but I know that´s just weakness and a hope that he will look at me and beg for me back.

 

If my head thinks about it, I know I can´t take him back even if he does beg. He´ll always be a new person to me.

 

I never thought I was this weak!