My Adoring Fiancee left me like a bolt out of the blue

[Ms Darcy]

I think you are not asking the right questions. You should ask -

 

1. Are you prepared to deal with these ups and downs for the rest of your life?

 

2. Do you think you could find a suitable partner without such issues and drama?

 

3. Am I strong enough to walk away and end contact with him?

[jane4221]

Hi Mrd Darcy

 

I don't (really) have contact with him now. I realised it was more than I could handle and also that it seemed to give him more emotional ups and downs than he can handle. We text every now and then regarding practical matters. That's all.

 

As for the other two questions...there's no way to answer that now until I know "what I am dealing with" and i think after 5 months I am still far too emotionally battered to think about long term choices but I feel that "yes" if it was diagnosed and managed then I could live with ups and downs providing he was committed to staying in treatment and of course "yes" I could find another partner without these issues. As to which is the best choice for me, all I want to do right now is:

 

1. Find healing for myself. Get to the point where I feel okay

 

2. Make a life for myself that doesn't include him anymore, so I can survive and be good no matter what the outcome.

 

I think only once those points are fulfilled I can never make a decision. Right now my emotions are still all over the place and I am still grieving what I had and lost.

 

I think my deepest logical mind knows that I will move on. Not because of the points you made (because I love him enough to conquer any battle) and not because I feel like it could happen again (he is in therapy and making huge breakthroughs about why he did this) but because he has basically caused too much collateral damage. In terms of me, in terms of our children.

 

I'm not the same person I was. His choice to isolate himself has ultimately isolated me. He's not been present for my pain or grief and that's caused a rift that makes me feel different.

 

He also bears some responsibility, regardless of mental illness, for his own behavior.

[Ms Darcy]

You can always make a decision. You have decided to keep yourself in limbo - which is your right.

[faraday]

((((Hugs Sarajane))))

 

I remember reading that post. I was really hoping that he would get it together, but when it's mental illness that's not so much an option. I'm glad you came back to update, I've went back to that thread a few times hoping for good news.

 

I think it's smart to focus on yourself right now, become financially and emotionally independent and heal...and then if you choose to, you can be there for him. Being close to someone with bipolar is hard. It's emotionally draining. It will be a hard decision for you to make and there is no morally right or wrong way. He is still a person, he still has emotions, desire for love, desire for normalcy...while at the same time being out of control. If you stay, sometimes you'll have the person you love...and it will be good. And other times, he'll leave in the middle of the night and sleep and drink with hookers for two weeks before even thinking about calling home.

 

Or there's starting over with someone new. Someone mentally healthy.

 

It's not easy. Please update, I'm hoping for good things for you Sarajane

 

 

 

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[lavenderdove]

Honey, the most important thing you will do in your life is to be a mother to your children. And ALL decisions and choices need to flow from doing what is best to protect and nurture your children.

 

You are so busy trying to 'nurture' this man that you are missing how serious the impact of this kind of behavior will have on your children, and you are repeatedly exposing them to it if you are exposing them to him. And if you as their mother are in a hellacious limbo dealing with all his emotional issues sapping your energies and clouding your judgment, then you will not be the best mother you can be to them.

 

Also, you are not his psychiatrist nor are you his mother. You are your children's mother, and their welfare must ALWAYS come first. I think the way this man is behaving, for whatever reason, is destructive to both you and your children, and you should not expose yourself to it, nor expose them to it. I think he needs to go off pursue his therapy and treatment, and if ever he gets right again, you could possibly consider seeing him at that time, but in the meantime, you need to buffer yourself and your children from his mental illness or it could have a permanent and lasting negative impact on them. Don't sacrifice your children in an attempt to hang onto a seriously disturbed man who is obviously in no condition to be in a relationship with anyone.

[jane4221]

Hi LavenderDove, my son hasn't seen him since any of this happened, so there's no repeated exposure. If I see him, the kids are not with us. They are either at school, at a friends or at Grandparents etc. I would not want my son to be anywhere near his Stepfather in his current condition. My son is very happy now -I will get him counselling later on -but right now he has friends, he has fun, he has a happy Mum back and we are enjoying being a "two" right now.

 

In the long term, of course, the kids would be taken into consideration if I ever considered reconciliation but I do not currently have the information required to assess the implications of that. On the one hand I would not want my son raised to think it is right to turn your back on loved ones who are mentally ill but I would also not want him to grow up believing any part of this to be "normal" or exposed to repeated incidents.

 

If his diagnosis is bipolar, I understand the implications of that are fairly serious, and as you say, it might not be tenable. If he has just had a breakdown with some sort of aggravated depression then it might be a very different picture. The man is committed to treatment. He doesn't drink, he is not going out socially, he exercises every day for 30 minutes, he takes his vitamins, he eats well, he medicates, he is in therapy and he takes the medication every day. That's all good because it shows he is accepting responsibility and is committed to healing himself.

 

Faraday -thank you for that lovely post. I will keep you upated...also for future visitors to the site who might experience similar I think it is always nice to see the "end of the story". I know it sounds like I am in limbo, but I am really not.

 

I have accepted he's gone and might never be back to who he was, and I accept even if he is I am not sure there is a way back. I am getting on with my life. I am volunteering, I am writing a column for the local paper, I am throwing myself into my work, I see friends and I made a list of 10 things I want to achieve for myself this year.

 

I don't think of this as "limbo" I think of it more as concentrating on myself - which is the only option I was left with. while it initially hurt me that my ex didn't want to take this journey as a team - I do see that in a way he has protected me from the worst of the fallout. He cannot be around kids right now, he cannot take responsibility for a family. He has spared me from making that choice and I am glad for that because I never would have been able to do it.

 

If I meet someone else, I meet someone else. My life isn't on hold, but at the same time the door isn't closed. After seeing all that has gone on I realise now that this wonderful man (as amazing as he was) came to be not equipped to be in a relationship. He lacked the skills required (problem solving, communication, commitment) and in a lot of ways he is a big kid. This whole thing has terrified him. He needs to go a long way to discovering the parts of him which are not equipped and in a way it's wonderful to watch him on that journey.

 

I will be back and let you know how he gets on and also how things go for me. I will always love this man, there's no doubt about that. He sent me a card last week and it said "Sara, I know I don't have much to offer now but thank you for being there for me . You're wonderful and I am so glad you came to visit. Whenever you are there I feel better and happier. I have been such a fool. I know this journey is one I mostly need to make alone but I'm so heartened and encouraged to make it knowing you are there for me".

 

This is nice. It's not a happy ending, but it's one where there is at least some sense to the losses we have all had and maybe for me an opportunity to find my best "me" (I admittedly was far TOO in love with him, far too dependent) and for him to find the best "him".

 

xxx

[Ms Darcy]

You did make it clear in your other post that you'd potentially be able to deal with a life of ups and downs which means you would put your son through that too.

[jane4221]

To be honest Mrs Darcy...I would genuinely prefer my son to grow up believing that if people are ill you stand by them and take care of them so I don't have a problem with his life being somewhat affected by an ill family member. In my mind, we WERE a family before all of this. If he'd not left me, I would have supported him through whatever and would have found ways to make it okay for the children. Splitting up our unit would never have been an option.

 

Putting it back together is another kettle of fish. I did say I think it's unlikely we ever would. He made / has made all the wrong choices since this all began and has hurt a lot of people. I've no doubt he is very ill but faced with a fork in the road he did things that ripped lives apart.

 

It's not so much that I fear him being ill again in the future. It's that I have had a clear indication of how potentially badly he could handle it.

 

Right now it seems pointless to think about it because it's possible or even likely he would never WANT to come back. I think he associates family / responsibility with what made him ill. Some men are just weak like that. They can't cope with life when the crap hits the fan. I didn't mean that in a nasty way but plenty of people have severe depression / breakdowns and do not abandon their partners.

 

I have a lot of sympathy, and also a lot of questions but I don't want to hate my ex fiance. He made terrible choices but I have no doubt that at the time he made them his reasoning capability and emotions were not functioning normally.

[jane4221]

I also have no doubt at all that the person he has hurt worst of all is himself. I have seen him, and he is a completely broken man. He took the path that sadly caused the maximum pain for those around him without actually lessening his own.

[lavenderdove]

>>I would genuinely prefer my son to grow up believing that if people are ill you stand by them and take care of them so I don't have a problem with his life being somewhat affected by an ill family member.

 

Just a word of warning about magical thinking. You think if you are noble and 'do the right thing' by standing by this man (who isn't even your son's father) that it will magically protect or improve your son somehow.

 

You need to balance that with the recognition the many children are deeply injured or killed by mentally ill parents or people in their lives as stepparents or BFs/GFs in the children's lives. The children are molested, beaten, kidnapped, killed etc. and the first person that gets investigated in cases like that by the police are the mentally ill people in the children's lives, because there is such a high incidence of them being responsible for serious harm done to children. They may be out of their minds and not fully competent, but that doesn't undo the damage they do to the children and is no excuse for it.

 

If he is bi-polar, he could easily have fantasies that he is saving your child (or all of you) from the devil by murdering him (and all of you). But your child is still dead even if he was out of his mind. And if he is super depressed, he may believe life is not worth living, and the world is a horrible place, so he might as well kill you, your kid, and himself in a murder/suicide.

 

It happens ALL THE TIME. So don't let your magical thinking or tenderness towards this guy make you think you and your child will be protected from his mental illness if you are benevolent and kind towards him. Many many people rue the day they connected and stayed with someone who is mentally ill who later seriously harmed or killed their child.

 

He might be a lovely person when in his right mind, but if he behaves the way you describe him to behave, i don't think he will ever be a candidate to be a spouse or stepfather for your child due to the severe nature of his mental illness. Keep in mind that mentally ill people usually only reveal a small part of what is going thru their heads at the time (and won't admit to suicidal impulses, hearing voices, etc.) until it is so bad they start openly hallucinating in a way others can't miss and have to be committed. And they can do a lot of damage if anyone underestimates the depth/seriousness of their condition.

[faraday]

I totally get this. Completely. You're not alone.

[jane4221]

Thanks LD for that. I know what you are saying may be true and needs to be said. I am (admittedly) in the dark on all this but I understand mental illness can be no picnic and might even be dangerous.

 

For now, I think it's not a question for me to think about, but if the time ever comes I will make very sure I consider all of this before making any kneejerk decisions based only on my emotions.

[jane4221]

LD, I would also say after reading your message for a third time that I am most definitely aware that some of his behavior has been paranoid, delusional and most definitely in the range of what he would be horrified by himself in his right mind. I therefore am aware "anything is possible".

 

My Mum did at one point tell me to lock my doors. It's very, very sad to get to the point that I am even writing this - I mean - this person is my guy, the kindest, sweetest guy in the world but as you say he is very, very sick.

[jane4221]

Thank you Faraday...I honestly would never, ever, ever abandon this man because he was difficult, depressed, needy, unable to be who or what I needed. I really would never do that. I know a lot of people can't understand that or think it is impractical but if I get 5 minutes a week of "him" then that's better than nothing.

 

The only way I would ever met MI come between us is if he was actually dangerous and being honest, there have been times where I've felt like he was so delusional and so "out there" with some of his behavior that I've felt worried that his sanity or grip on reality had been lost.

 

I don't know enough about this stuff to make a judgement and dealing with it makes your head spin. Trying to work out what to do with mental illness is very difficult because you are not playing by any of the normal rules.

 

For now anyway...we are separated, he is in treatment, we don't talk.

[lavenderdove]

I had a brother-in-law who was a lovely person between mental episodes so i have experience with this. But whenever he'd have an episode, he'd get stranger and stranger, and at one point at a family gathering, he turned to another sister-in-law of his and just hauled off and slapped her out of the blue and tried to attack her. He was talking about how the Jews killed Jesus, and since she was a Jew she deserved to be punished (their family was Catholic). He was a perfectly sweet guy and not prejudiced or racist or anything else when in his right mind, but when he slipped into an episode, he got delusional and started having all these weird religious ideas (common among people with bi-polar or schizonphrenis issues who hear voices and can interpret it as God talking to them and them having to obey).

 

There was another episode where he talked about how he was going to get married to a girl he knew in high school in a couple months (he was almost 40 at the time) with long stories about them, and it turned out that he hadn't even seen this girl in 20 years and was fantasizing and thought he was supposed to marry her. They had him committed for a while after that for fear of what he might do to that girl if he ever did find her, because he was 100% convinced they were engaged to be married.

 

When you read stories about parents who kill their own children, it is frequently when they're in the grip of one of these delusions/episodes where they think their children are satan or possessed or they have to kill their children to save them from the devil. There are many well documented cases of this happening, one of the saddest stories there is because the people loved their children, but were seriously delusional and not able to separate their delusions from reality.

 

So you can't take certain types of mental illness lightly, especially if the person is bi-polar or schizophrenic because they can become delusional and injure you or a child who would be exposed to them. and it can be extremely difficult to determine the fine line between when the person is sane enough to never hurt anybody, and when they might tip over the edge and hurt someone because they have crossed that line into being delusional or so severely depressed they might want to kill themselves and their loved ones. My ex-husband's family used to have conferences where they would argue about whether his brother was 'far enough gone' to send to the hospital or not, but sadly it was usually a progression where eventually if he was having an episode, he would end up there after he assaulted someone if the family didn't act soon enough to put him in.

[jane4221]

Thanks LD. It's definitely not a concept to be taken lightly. If someone had told me 6 months ago he would be capable of any part of this I would have bet my life on that being impossible - so of course - any confidence I have in saying "oh he would never do that" is now gone.

 

I will exercise maximum caution. I do think I need to try and think of a way to get him to agree to a more thorough assessment. His doctor is not a specialist and I do think there might be more than meets the eye.

 

I will think about it.

[lavenderdove]

I also want to comment on this:

 

>>Life is hit by tragedy, and at the end of the day if he, I or any of our friends or family could have recognised mental illness much earlier - before he took steps to destroy lives - then so much pain could have been save

 

This is also magical thinking. If he is truly mentally ill and bi-polar, then this is not something that can be wished away nor can you save him the pain of being bi-polar. The horrid thing about bi-polar disorder is that it never goes away and it usually get worse with age. So he may cycle more frequently, or more deeply, and is guaranteed to do it again and again. It can be controlled to some degree with medication, but it won't go away.

 

I also think you are minimizing some things that he says that have nothing to do with mental illness. Like he doesn't want to sign up for dealing with the stress of raising your child who has an illness. He did it for a while, but then decided it was just too much trouble. Or that he's not sure that he loves you. Or not sure that he wants to be with you. He could be blowing hot and cold with you because he's decided he doesn't want to sign up to be your husband and a family man, but he also is lonely and depressed and doesn't want to go totally without any support from you being his 'Mommy' and caretaking him emotionally.

 

So you get a push-pull situation, where when he does without you for a while, then he starts to feel lonely and he doesn't have anyone else yet so he turns to you. Then once he turns to you, after a bit he starts to chafe realizing that he doesn't really want to be your BF or husband so he pushes you away again. You've said he has done this multiple times. And in your earlier thread when he first broke up with you he talked a lot about not wanting the responsibility of parenting your child or the responsibility of being your partner and wasn't sure he loved you or wanted to be with you anymore. So I think he really wants you for emotional support as a FRIEND, but whenever it gets too close again, he pushes you away again because he doesn't really want a romantic relationship with you and he knows that you do. But he's not cutting you totally loose yet because he's emotionally needy right now and you are eagerly nursemaiding him.

 

So i think you need to not blame this all on mental illness, as in, if only he felt better, he'd come back and it would be perfect again. He more likely will start ot feel better, and thank you very sincerely for the support you've given him, but still now want to get back together with you or be a parent to your child. And once he feels better, he'll go looking for a new GF, perhaps one without a child and the extra emotional and financial responsbility that that brings.

 

You need to start focusing on YOU and your child and just forgetting about a romantic relationship with him. As long as you are focused on him or the idea that you can get him back romantically, you are not getting any closer to finding a real partner for yourself who is an equal not an emotional dependent, and you are not finding an appropriate stepfather for yiour child. Don't waste too much more time pining for someone who just isn't really appropriate for your life or you or your son and who has likely already decided he doesn't want to marry you even though he is also terrified of being totally alone so clings to you for emotional support. He's given lots of signs that not only is he mentally ill, but that he doesn't really want you or your son. He just doesn't want to be totally alone and hasn't found someone to replace you yet.

[jane4221]

Thanks LD. I'm aware all that may be true.

 

I don't blame it all on mental illness....

 

Would he have done this if he wasn't mentally ill? No way

 

However I'm more than aware that millions of people have breakdowns and get depressed and don't do this - so it's part illness and also part him.

 

Which part is which I have no idea and he doesn't either.

 

To be honest, I take the "I don't know if I love you" with a pinch of salt. As far as I am concerned (and as far as he says) he loved me immensely until he was depressed and then it very abruptly shut off. I therefore do attribute that to depression and I don't think that's magical thinking - I think its just following logic.

 

Did he love me enough? As much as I loved him? I dunno. I thought it mattered but now don't really care anymore. These are the questions and answers which you think will bring you come sort of closure and they don't really.