My Adoring Fiancee left me like a bolt out of the blue

[abitbroken]

I would go get your things to make sure you get what you want and can donate or giveaway what you don't want to take. If you like, tell him that you don't want to see him just now and arrange to be there alone or with a friend. If you were a sleepover girlfriend and just had a few toiletries and a few changes of clothing i would say okay - but that was your home with many things in it and you should make sure you get your things. I would let him pay for the ticket.

[lisaw]

I would go get your things to make sure you get what you want and can donate or giveaway what you don't want to take. If you like, tell him that you don't want to see him just now and arrange to be there alone or with a friend. If you were a sleepover girlfriend and just had a few toiletries and a few changes of clothing i would say okay - but that was your home with many things in it and you should make sure you get your things. I would let him pay for the ticket.

 

Reading your story about how he just suddenly left and obviously had some sort of breakdown led me to post here.

 

I am not going to diagnose this guy - so please don't take this as medical advice - but from what you've described re: his impulsivity, his sudden and unexpected leaving you (i.e. leaving you "for dead" without thought or concern for yours or your son's safety and welfare); his poor judgment / decision making; his emotional fragility; telling you you have "changed" (blaming you and your son's health - when in fact it was he who had changed, showing a bit of grandiosity there) ----he is a mirror image of quite a few people I have worked with (I'm in the medical field) who suffer from Bipolar Disorder. All combined from what you've stated, and with such a total and sudden personality change, he sounds as though he may meet the criteria for a manic episode, which is actually a medical emergency. Past or future depressions would be another qualifier. I am NOT saying this is what is happening here - but the similarities to this disorder are profound.

 

The only reason I'm posting this is that it MAY help you sort out and make sense of the chaos - and I certainly may be wrong - but I think sometimes we NEED to know what actually happened to us in order to heal, as well as to make some sense of senselessness behavior and actions. All I know is that well minds DO NOT end committed relationships in such a catastrophic, sudden, impulsive moment (which is one of the most common themes of a manic episode). It's food for thought - and if it is of any help, in the sense that it helps YOU understand that this has nothing to do with you as a person, or your son, for that matter. That this is likely MUCH bigger issue that you could not have prevented no matter how strong your love, as mania (from the sounds of things, this sure looks like one) and the force behind that is MUCH bigger than the strength of any relationship. This guy obviously needs professional help for the mental breakdown he is experiencing...

 

I wish you the best and please, please take care of yourself and your son first

[jane4221]

Thank you so much for this. he has been in contact many times, and while at first he sounded robotic, distant and repetitive in his words...he has gradually changed completely. I have known this man all my life and never seen him behave like this - so I felt that he was in trouble and offered him friendship and support.

 

We have spoken many times of what brought us to this moment, and he seems to be slowly identifying that he had an urge to be my protector / rock, but that when he himself needed help, he was unable to talk to me and eventually cracked and felt he was unable to look after anyone else. He has said that in the moment he felt nothing, but that over the days he has had alone he is slowly remembering and he really does sound like a broken and lost man.

 

He wants me to go and spend 4 days with him and just talk, to see if there is any way anything can be learned or salvaged from the wreckage. I think he has only scratched the surface in understanding of everything that has actually happened, and as time come he will slowly get a full realisation of it.

 

I signed a lease on my new place, and will not be moving back in with him or restarting the relationship anytime soon. I will give him my friendship though, and I will try and make sense of the part I played in all of this.

 

time apart and a step back from the situation has given me some insight that we perhaps had a parent / child dynamic which served his need to be my knight in shining armor and my need to escape responsibility. It all worked great until outside forces applied pressure. The love though, was certainly there. In time I think I will be grateful for what has happened, as I have always been quite a weak / soft person, relying on him for constant emotional support and after facing my (literally) worst nightmare, I have found out that I am far stronger that I ever knew.

[chitown9]

Sara Jane, I think that the poster who feels he could be bipolar has hit this thing on the mark. I think the best way to get help for your boyfriend is to get professional help for him. Only a psychiatrist can prescribe medication for psychiatric issues. Learn as much as you can about the bipolar disorder. Your fiancee is mentally ill, I believe, and he really needs help. ...chi

[jane4221]

Sara Jane, I think that the poster who feels he could be bipolar has hit this thing on the mark. I think the best way to get help for your boyfriend is to get professional help for him. Only a psychiatrist can prescribe medication for psychiatric issues. Learn as much as you can about the bipolar disorder. Your fiancee is mentally ill, I believe, and he really needs help. ...chi

 

He keeps telling me he´s fine. Can people just become bipolar after a lifetime of not? I don´t know anything about this stuff.

[iam42]

you can encourage him to see someone. sadly, for bipolar people, mania feels so much better than depression. it feels like you can DO things, anything - and that is such a relief from the emptiness, lethargy, and exhaustion of depression. I'm sure he does feel "fine."

 

either way, this is all speculation. he should see a professional.

[lisaw]

you can encourage him to see someone. sadly, for bipolar people, mania feels so much better than depression. it feels like you can DO things, anything - and that is such a relief from the emptiness, lethargy, and exhaustion of depression. I'm sure he does feel "fine."

 

either way, this is all speculation. he should see a professional.

 

Yes, BP Disorder does just that - it starts at some point in life with no real forewarning. A manic or hypomanic episode can last for weeks, months or even years; then comes the crash to depression, or even a temporary "stop" at normal mood functioning before the slip into depression.

 

Late-Onset Bipolar Disorder is not uncommon (late-onset means outside the prime onset years of teens to late twenties - early 30's). Many people are diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in their later years after experiencing their very first manic episode - which by the way are often first noticeable to their loved ones by what is called "manic flight" - abrupt, irrational, unexplainable running/ abandoning their loved ones an families.

 

Is his son still with him, or with his mother? It really is not safe for children to be in the care of a person who is in or just out of a manic state with no medications. Not that he will harm him - it's just that, unmedicated and manic, they do not possess normal perceptions of reality in that state and will continue to make irrational, impulsive "decisions" that can seriously affect a child's welfare and safety.

 

Brain tumor, mini-strokes, thyroid disease, dementia, and head injury are a few other medical conditions that cause manic episodes. These things, besides head injuries, are pretty rare, though with a younger otherwise healthy man - and BP Disorder is not rare at all - so again, just saying that he is definitely NOT WELL and seems to meet the criteria for mania. You do not need a doctor to "diagnose" mania, because mania is not diagnosed. Most psychiatrists truly rely on family members and close supporters to tell them if their patient is manic or not - mania is just a set of criteria of OBSERVABLE and out-of-character behaviors /actions that are part of BP Disorder and does not, legally or otherwise, require a physician or diagnosis to come to that conclusion. Mania is though, in EVERY case, a medical emergency and this is why it's imperative that he seek professional help.

 

The average time from onset of BP symptoms to diagnosis is 11.5 years. Most cases of BP Disorder are untreated according to recent studies. The periods of "normal" are what makes it so insidious - you think, "wow-so glad to be through whatever that was and back to normal" ...until the next cycle starts.

 

I assume he doesn't drink or use drugs...if he does, both can mimic manic symptoms and he can't be helped with any psych diagnosis until he stops both.

 

Again I wish you the very best and please be careful with what you commit to with him in the next few days/weeks/months. Without medications, and if he does in fact have this commonly undiagnosed disorder, he will likely come back and you will think everything is fine again, only to leave you again within days, weeks or months, just as suddenly as the last time. It's just part of the disorder...

 

God bless..

[jane4221]

I did a lot of reading on bipolar disorder and it doesn´t sound at all like him, as much as i would love it to be that. He wasn´t "up" or manic during the time this happened...he was crying himself to sleep and really down and quiet. Does that sound typical?

 

I think one of two things has happened. Either he has made a snap, rash decision in a moment´s madness after a long period of being depressed and perhaps not "of well mind" ; or he has just decided for whatever reasons that he doesn´t love me as much as he thought he did and thinks his life would be better without me than with me.

 

Either way, I do have to know which it is, so I have decided to go and see him. I need my answers, and while I might not like them...this is the person I loved so much I had promised to spend my life with him, share a family with him. Even if HE sees fit to walk out on that without a discussion, I won't drop to his level and the memory of the years we had together deserves my respect: even if he doesn´t.

 

I won´t move back in with him...he´s taken his own place and I have taken mine. He understands that option is off the table, but he has said that none of this would ever have happened if we had not been in a hotel room that night and if it was a moment´s madness, some kind of breakdown, some kind of ANYTHING that I can understand then I hope I can find a way to work it out so that there is a way to start again because what we had was amazing and I honestly think there is no chance at all of either of us finding anything so special again.

 

All that said, I am aware, somewhere nagging in the back of my mind that no matter how much I wish we could go back that we probably can´t. He is probably forever changed in my mind.

Advice though:

 

I am scared to go, but I must face it.

 

He is crying all the time and I have never heard him sound so sad. He wanted me to come for a weekend, then he asked if I would extend it to four nights so we could "spend some proper time together discussing it". He says he wants to just take me out for dinner and see where we are at. He says he doesn't want me to live here and he wants me to go back. He has been constantly asking about my son and wants to see / speak to him (which I have said will wait until after we´ve met).

 

If I had to make a guess...I think what has happened is that we BOTH changed over the past six months when we were under great stress, and as the previous poster said he has a tendency to run from problems. I am not sure what that means, but I know I am also very, very scared that this "invitation" is a "goodbye" mission and that when i get there I will have to sit there and hear my dear, darling, sweet guy that is so beloved to me tell me that he just doesn´t love me anymore.

 

A very hard thing for anyone to hear. I hope what he says instead is that while at the time he thought he didn´t, he realises he was not thinking clearly. I hope the previous poster is right that "well minds don´t act this way". Please keep your fingers crossed for me that this IS what I hear.

 

Beyond that..we are now separated...nothing can change that, but I do need to know how he feels. I love him. I love him enough to go back and face what might be another huge humiliation and heartbreak. However, I don´t love him enough to put him in a position where he can ever do this to me or our children again.

 

I hate him for doing this. All I wish is that we could go back.

[pippy longstocking]

I am not 100% convinced it is bi polar either ...

 

there is also bipolar type 11 to consider with rapid cycling ...and the mood changes can be rapid ...but moreso with 11 than 1

 

only time is going to tell on this one , I am sorry you're having a bad time x

[Teri008]

I agree with Itsafour he took the coward/easy way out when he went through this breakdown. That's what my ExH did. They are weak people and selfish. Judy know your already stronger than he is thus you didn't give up when tough times came. Don't let him come back IF he decides he made a mistake (which he more than likely wont or at least for a good while) because you deserve someone on your life on your level and as strong as you. These people are weak remember that. . And selfish. Bad combo. Stay strong! You'll come out ahead trust!

[jane4221]

Well, I did meet up with him. I am with him now, he´s sleeping. I just decided I needed to see him face to face and ask questions about what had happened and how. For my own sanity.

 

When I arrived yesterday, his eyes filled up with tears as soon as he saw me and he couldn't stop hugging and kissing me. He told me right away that he had spoken in anger / confusion / a moment of stress and that he hadn´t meant the things he´s said or done. He said when he saw me it was just like the very first time he saw me when he knew he wanted to marry me. He says he wishes he could travel back in time and do anything but what he did. He says he was cold / cut me off because he put a way up around himself because he was in so much pain. I can see in his eyes and actions that he is telling me the truth. He was 2 hours late for work this morning because he didn´t want to leave me. He said he was willing to do anything required to get me back.

 

At first I was so happy...of course this is all I wanted to hear for the past 10 days. Now he has rented his own place already and it cannot be undone. He says he thinks I should rent a place nearby him, so we can start again. Date from the beginning and see what happens. His reasoning for this is that he believes the stresses and pressures of life and merging our families together so quickly put so much on us that we lost "us" and he wants another chance to build it and get it right. He says he bottled up all his negative feelings until he exploded, but he did this because he thought this was what I wanted. He thinks time in separate houses will give him time to work out of his depression, and me time to get over my anger at him. He says if I leave him that he will be sad for the rest of his life.

 

In a way his plan makes practical sense, as my business is here, my son´s school is here, it means the kids can still see each other and it of course gives me the opportunity to spend a few months talking with him to see what can be salvaged. If things don't work out it also gives me a chance to relocate SLOWLY with planning, which is of course better. Everyone is telling me to do this, and to give him this chance.

 

I came downstairs to write here, as I feel just very sad and have no one to talk to. A few weeks ago I had a home, a family and we were so, so happy. I feel like I lost everything that mattered most to me in my life. I love this man, but he has hurt me so much and humiliated me. I don't feel like the same person. My identity was always "the woman with the family she adored who´s fiancee was crazy in love with her" and without it I don't know who I am anymore.

 

He left me when I needed him most, even though it was temporary, and I don't WANT to live all the way up here in the country with no family and no friends alone with my son. the idea makes me feel really sad and lonely. However, it´s been pointed out to me that if I go down South where my friends and family are I will probably be at home alone most of the time anyway as they all have their own lives and I am a single Mum now. At least here the surroundings seem familiar. My old town seems so alien to me and just makes me sad.

 

Do you think you can forgive a person for leaving you for 10 days? Do you think a relationship can be rebuilt and come out just as strong after one of you has done something to hurt the other so terribly? My therapist told me that it could be a learning and growing experience for both of us, and if we loved each other enough we could come out of it stronger. Do you think that´s true? And if so, why do I feel deep in my heart that nothing will ever be ok again?

 

I am feeling so low. Probably the lowest I have ever felt. Like there is an ocean of sadness surrounding me. I have found myself thinking about just jumping in front of a car or something. Not that I actually would, but it just feels like the only escape. I was so happy before and can´t understand why God or the Universe would take away from me the things I loved the most.

 

Losing the love of your life and your home on the same day is just too much.

[chitown9]

I think it makes more sense to go back as you were, living together. Maintaining two households is expensive and unnecessary. You both have more information now and can work on this together. I would make a try at this on the condition that he is getting help in the way of a therapist at the same time. It would be helpful for you, also, to continue therapy. It is always darkest before the dawn. I think that you owe it to the both of you and your children to give this a go. Life is not always a bed of roses....with time you will get a better perception on this whole situation. Best wishes to you... chi

[iam42]

if you decide to move back and reconcile, do not do so to start over dating. you were a family, sharing a home, raising your children as siblings, planning to marry. your breakup was not the breakup of a couple only but of a whole family. if you go back, go back for the whole package. and I do think individual therapy for your ex and couples therapy for you will be needed. im really sorry that you're going through this. good luck.

[chitown9]

It won't work.

 

Moving to his new place with him is out of the question. It doesn't have a bedroom for her son and its an hour from his school. He just signed a lease so he's obligated to stay there for the full term.

 

Oh, boy! ....... chi

[abitbroken]

I would not move back in with him. I would move where it makes the most sense for your child - where you have family, employment, or can transfer. If he leaves in a snap like that, what would happen if you married and down the road things got stressful - would that be his response again? Too much to risk. And ten days is too soon. Right now he is sorry but he truly doesn't know why he did that. He needs counseling. And he needs to decide what he really wants. "starting over" like it never happened is no option. Instead of moving back in and not having trust, you need to be apart until trust can be reestablished. If it ever does.

[jane4221]

One thing I am not going to do is move back in with him right now. I know what you are all saying is correct, but I am certain of a few things.

 

1. After watching him for several days, I am absolutely sure he is in the middle of some sort of deep episode of some sort. He cries in the night, he retches in the shower, he doesn´t eat, his eyes are puffy, he has broken out in hives and exzema, he is repetitive when he talks (like he is on autopilot). He was faced with enormous stress and it has cracked him and I think it will take him weeks or months to recover, after which I am absolutely certain that he needs some sort of counselling to learn how to better manage problems.

 

2. Considering the above, I think time alone, without our children, is the very best thing for him and them because he simply can´t cope with being a good parent right now.

 

3. With what has happened taken into account, I do not want to ever find myself in this situation again and I would prefer my own place for my own stability. If I get back together with him, who´s to say the same thing doesn't happen next month.

 

I do think though that stability for the kids has to be priority, and I can take days, weeks or months to seriously assess what I want for the future. It might be that I can never love him again the way that I did. I don't know.

[abitbroken]

You sound like you have the right idea. I think also if you are moving back near him you should take some time to NOT spend with him at all and get you and your child set up. Don't take his child anywhere, etc, either. I think it would be a mistake to go back to normal with his child for stability's sake because if you come back - you want it to be or good or not at all. If you get to the point of being back in his life, then you should see him without both kids.

 

I really think this guy has difficulty talking about his problems and feelings and that is why things snapped. He put on a show of happiness. And definitely needs counseling for sure.

 

Please take care of yourself. You have the right idea.

[jane4221]

I have done a lot of reading up on nervous breakdowns and they can apparently cause you to abandon your family and push away those closest to you. It sounds like it´s pretty common. The difference is...the person with the breakdown usually takes off for a few days or weeks to recover then comes home.

 

Our situation is made different only by the unfortunate circumstances that ended up blowing the entire thing far out of a normal proportion.

 

For now, we finished packing up our house and I helped him into his new place. He was, without question, a broken and lost man, but there were moments of such love in the past few days that made me realise what unconditional love for a person really is. There was such comfort in me for us to lay together with our tears and to know that after all has been done our favorite place to be was always together.

 

He collapsed in the street crying and saying sorry just after we picked up the keys, wishing that anything could be done to reverse the damage and bring us back home where we know we belong, but we know he has a long journey to take on his own now.

 

I learned so much from him about how we came to this. He said he had felt that he could not talk to me about anything negative because he felt like he needed to protect me and "be the man". He thought that if I knew he felt hopeless and like a failure, that I would think he was weak and would stop loving him because he said he never understood why I was with him to begin with. He suffered for many months in silence, feeling depressed and unable to cope. All through this, I was giving my stress and sadness to HIM because he was telling me he was strong. he thought it was what I wanted. He finally snapped when we were made homeless and could not cope with looking after anyone but himself. He said with complete honesty that he felt if I saw the real him, I would no longer love him, and he simply could not do it anymore.

 

While I am so, so angry with him...it´s hard to feel that he intended any of it. I know he would give his life to go back in time and no one can cry continuously for four days and it be fake. I can hear his heart racing when I lay on his chest and I know all he needs is rest and kindness. He says he feels like he is trapped inside and cannot get out.

 

He´s still detached from the reality of the pain he has caused, especially to the children, but it will hit him over the coming weeks. I can honestly say that the worst pain has been caused to himself and his healing process from his breakdown will be months in the making.

 

Ironically, when he was at his weakest, telling me all the thoughts and worries he had never shared before in all our years together, and how my negative attitude put a lot of pressure on him to be the strong one; that despite everything that has happened...that I had never loved him more that at that moment, and I think in those hours and minutes that I got an understanding of what real love was and in a strange way it made us both feel very lucky.

 

Hopefully, some good will come of the tragedy, and he will realise than 40 years of bottling up every negative thought and emotion will eventually (with enough outside pressure) cause a temporary breakdown where the brain simply cannot continue.

 

I can honestly say, in four years together he has never snapped at me, never told me anything I did bothered him. I´ve also never seen him snap at anyone else, or even have a confrontation when placed in the most horrible situations. Not even his ex wife when she was sleeping with the neighbor for years. He never said anything to her! He still hasn´t! Not even after she divorced him, took everything and moved in with the neighbor. I think he carries a lifetime of anger inside him and he must find the help to begin to express these negative emotions in order to live a full life.

 

Despite there being so much love between us, he is unfit (now at least) to live with his family and I also have a lot of pain to process, and we need to get our own apartment and begin life again as two single people. Who knows what happens next, if I will ever be able to forgive or trust again.

 

People tell me that forgiveness in this situation is a big ask. I know it is. I hope one day I can do it because what we have is so worth it.

 

At first I thought that made me weak...but then I realised it made me strong.

[chitown9]

One thing that you can know for sure, SaraJane; he definitely did not set out to hurt you and the children. Try to keep that in mind. ...chi

[lavenderdove]

OK, something really important here... if he is this mentally ill and depressive and had a breakdown he MUST be under professional care with a doctor. You are not a doctor nor qualified to diagnose or treat his illness, and shouldn't be interpreting this all in the context of 'what this means for us and our relationship'. If he is mentally ill (and he sounds like it), then you can't 'love' him out of that and he needs professional help.

 

Part of the terms for you spending any time with him should be that he agrees to go to a doctor and go into therapy to analyze what is really wrong here. He may need some kind of medication, and definitely needs to talk to a therapist to analyze what caused this breakdown and get to the bottom of it and really resolve it.

 

And in situations like this, there can be high risk to you, in that he uses you as a shoulder to cry on and a crutch while he is feeling like this, and as soon as he starts to feel better, he may decide it was better to be a buddy than a BF and you'll have invested a lot of time in effort in him while in the end he stills leaves you and/or trots off with someone else.

 

One other thing to consider: People can frequently act exactly as he is acting when there is a lot more going on behind the scenes than he is telling you. For example, he could be in an affair with someone else, and be very conflicted and guilty. And perhaps he left you to pursue her, only to have it blow up in his face and that love affair go sour, or to realize he misses you and your son more than he thought he was and doesn't know whether to choose you or her. But he can't tell you that, so you see a lot of drama and guilt and tears, but he can't confess that the real problem is the love affair he left you for exploded in his face and now he is feeling rather sorry for himself because he doesn't have her or you (or must choose between you), or he still wants her but she won't have him, so he consoles himself with you. That is a VERY common scenario, where you don't know the whole story. Or he could be abusing drugs which can explain massive changes in behavior and these kinds of episodes. He knows he can't do them around you, so he bolts to pursue his habit.

 

I myself had a situation similar to this happen where someone who was a long term BF suddenly started acting crazy, emotional, volatile, disappearing, making noises about breaking up etc., in a total panic and not making much sense. At first he wouldn't tell me what was wrong, then he came up with a cover story that his cancer had returned (he'd had leukemia years before) and he was really depressed and wasn't sure it was right to put me thru that ordeal while he was going thru it. After much going back and forth and trying so hard to help him and 'be there' for him, it eventually came out that he didn't have cancer at all, that was just a cover story to disguise what was really going on behind the scenes because he had to tell me SOMETHING about why he was so emotionally freaked out and had these disappearances. What had REALLY happened was he'd cheated and knocked up the other woman and had no clue what to do about the situation to deal with her pregnancy while at the same time keeping me from finding out about her, and her about me! He didn't want to lose me and knew that me finding out some other woman was pregnant would explode us, so he was twisting in the wind trying to figure out what to do to try to keep me around AND pacify his pregnant affair partner so I wouldn't find out.

 

So you may not have the full story, and at a minimum he is showing signs of being very unstable and needs to see a therapist to figure out what is going on here and get it treated. Or it could be that he's in the throes of an affair/drug use and doesn't know quite what to do about it.

[jane4221]

He´s not seeing someone else...that I know. We live in a tiny place with no people under 65...he works in an office that´s all men. He is only ever at home or work and he´s pretty much with me all the time. Also, he´s never had any success with women and is super shy. I just don´t believe there´s any possibility of that.

 

He DOES need help, but this week I got him to see he HAD had a breakdown, which he now admits. I suggested he talk to a therapist or see the doctor and he refused. I HAD to leave him alone to come and take care of my son, and (not being horrible) in his current state I cannot have him around my son.

 

I called his parents and they drove up to spend the day and night with him to make sure he is OK. His Mother works with mentally ill people and he does listen to her, so I HOPE she can get him to seek help.

 

He also said, that as he talked to me honestly for the first time, some of the pain started to drain away. Also, knowing I am moving back locally, and he therefore has SOME hope of starting over with me and the kids is comforting to him as he did feel he had lost everything. This, combined with the day to day stress (money, kids etc.) will hopefully help him to calm himself to a sufficient degree that I can properly talk to him, and when he is slightly more stable I will look for a therapist and make an appointment for him. This is all I can do really..as much as I want to look after him..I have a child to care for and that means I can't go stay with him while he gets over the worst. I have explained I am on the end of the phone and can provide whatever support he needs.

 

I do think I have the full story, it´s just that this man has no way of expressing negative emotions, so he never has. He is, and always has been a REALLY caring person, completely obsessed with always "doing the right thing". I think the fact that he´s split up our family is too much for him.

 

He is sick, yes, but not generally mentally ill. It´s just a bizarre set of circumstances that has resulted in a short in his brain of some sort.

 

thanks Chi...I KNOW he did not set out to hurt me or cause pain.

 

xx

[lavenderdove]

Look, you are trying to make light of his mental condition because it doesn't fit into your 'happy family' plan... Really, what you have described here in terms of what he says and his behavior is really scary... some of these things he says are frequently said before someone commits suicide, as in he'll never work again, him cutting off those close to him, crying constantly etc. This man needs IMMEDIATE medical intervention, and i hope you insist on it and stop focusing on your 'relationship' and start focusing on the fact that this is a person in deep and serious crisis who needs intervention. You don't look for a therapist when he's 'more stable', you look for one immediately because he is showing some very alarming and inconsistent behavior that needs immediate attention by a professional.

 

You don't need to 'look after him,' you need to be very honest with him and tell him that he needs to get immediate attention to uncover what the problem is here and start him into treatment for depression and anxiety. Stop trying to convince yourself he's not mentally ill, because he is showing genuine signs of deep distress and out of character behavior, which means he needs immeidate evaluation and treatment. If you want to be a true friend, you should find the name of a doctor, and offer to drive him to his first appointment there. Mental breakdowns of any kind need professional intervention to not only alleviate suffering, but to prevent the more dire possibilities such as self harming or suicide.

[chitown9]

I agree with lavenderdove, Sarajane. He truly is in a crisis and it cannot wait. You say that he will not get help, but I think that you need to insist upon it for the sake of everything.

chi

[jane4221]

As I said. He spent the weekend with his Mother. Got a call this morning where he said that he had talked it through with her and in a calm clear mind she helped him realise that getting back together was a bad idea.

 

This after spending 5 days convincing me of the opposite and letting me tell my son we were moving back up ( I am on the train NOW)

 

I'm officially done now. I am aware there's a good possibilty he is just an , and another possibility he is a good guy who is totally messed up but I just can't take anymore now.

 

The part I am so baffled about is his Mother. She was like a real Mum to ME. My son calls her Granny. She told me a few weeks ago that she was so glad he met me after not being loved in his previous marriage. Why on earth did she tell him to end it!?

 

Whatever the case...he is SO weak. I deserve someone who works on problems instead of running.

 

Our poor kids. And how on earth can I have been deceived for 20 years???

[chitown9]

Wow...I sure didn't see that one coming either. I would be officially done as well. Have you considered that he is lying about the convincing by his mom? I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case because at this point, how can you be surprised about anything? You are doing a tremendous job of staying strong. It is such a good thing that you are not cracking under all this ridicuous behavior of his. We are all here for you, Sarah Jane.... chi