missmarple Posted March 8, 2014 Author Share Posted March 8, 2014 We don't chat that often to be his emotional bandaid...maybe every 3 days..if that. Besides, I'm the one who asks about his divorce. There is a friendly tone in our chats but that's what I want for now. For all I know, his divorce could take a year or he may go back to his wife. Basically, it's a friendly net/phone connection that I expect nothing from...I just want to stay in touch just in case...but I know that that is a very small possibility. When one of my 'legitimate' prospects is online, I don't ignore them to talk to him (who isn't online that much, anyway). The only reason I can see for stopping chatting to him is if he insists to meet him. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I think if you want him to be motivated to meet you as a romantic prospect be off his radar until his dirty laundry is done. I got calls from two guys after their divorces were final for a year (because I told them not to call me till then) and both agreed that in hindsight they had not been ready in the past to date. Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 I got calls from two guys after their divorces were final for a year (because I told them not to call me till then) and both agreed that in hindsight they had not been ready in the past to date. Wow, a year later?? I'm hoping to be with someone in a year from now...and, in any case, it's not like I'm into him that much...I like him but I've liked many guys and when we met, there was nothing there. So, even if we just stay friends, I'm ok with it. But I believe he'll be with someone very soon. He goes on dates, he's good looking, intelligent, financially comfortable ....men like him don't stay single for long when they don't want to. I think I've given up on this already. Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 12, 2014 Author Share Posted March 12, 2014 I just had a nice chat with Shane (the 41yo, divorced, no kids who lives very close to me). He's very much into exercise (he's studied at a gymnastics university) and used to have a gym and he was also in our national team of rowing. I'm not into exercise myself but I don't hate it either. Anyway, we discovered we have other things in common (music, movies, books, etc). He hasn't asked for my phone number yet though. I'll give him one more week Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 13, 2014 Author Share Posted March 13, 2014 Tony (yes, THAT Tony I had gone out with before NYD, then disappeared, then re-appeared, then said we should go out on Friday..3 weeks ago...and disappeared again) made a new appearance today. After the last time we had talked I had seen him online 4-5 times and never spoke to me so, I deleted him again. Today he sent yet another friend request and an email saying 'what's up with you? why do you keep deleting me?'....except this time I'm not going to answer him at all. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 So, as between suggesting to a man that you talk by phone to see if it makes sense to meet (or even just "because") and waiting up to a week while typing back and forth to see if he'll initiate that question, you prefer to spend your time on the former? Sure I can see if you met him at a party and wanted him to ask you out on a date first, but this is just a phone call to see if you even should meet in person (and then see if you want to go on a date) . It's your time to spend of course, I'm just surprised at this level of time investment over who suggests talking instead of typing. Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 13, 2014 Author Share Posted March 13, 2014 Batya, I imagine you mean Shane. Well, the thing is I only see him online every 2-3 days because he only logs in from work...I don't feel comfortable enough to ask him to talk on the phone just yet. Then, there's the issue (that I haven't mentioned) that he works about 1 hour away, in a different town and he spends some evenings of the week in that town (it's a bit complicated but I've understood that his dad has a house in that town and that's where he spends those evenings when it's late when he's off work and doesn't want to drive 1 hour back). All in all, the 'time investment' I've spent on him is less than 2 hours in total, we haven't been able to talk more...and that's time that I'm online, anyway, so, I don't consider it wasted time. Obviously, he also has reservations about the situation or, I imagine he'd have asked for my phone number himself. So, I think a week is a reasonable amount of time for him to decide if it's worth meeting..because I sure haven't yet. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 I know we see it differently -I never felt like a man was asking me out if we'd never met in person and the typing on line was only for the purpose of getting a phone number as long as I liked his profile and liked his first e-mail. I needed to get relevant information to see if we should meet and I couldn't get that through typing. I couldn't get the real information unless we met in person (if we had chemistry in person enough to go on a real date in the future) so I made sure the process from first contact to phone call was very short (hopefully within 24 hours) and that we met within the week at the outside if the phone call went well. I didn't want to spend time typing to strangers - I wanted to meet people in person so that hopefully I'd be able to start a relationship with someone sooner rather than alter. Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 14, 2014 Author Share Posted March 14, 2014 Well, that's what I want, too, but I also want to make sure that a/ I want to meet him and b/ he wants the same thing..and, with Shane, I'm not sure about either one. I'm not even sure how often he spends the night in our town and if a relationship under these conditions is possible..so, I'd rather give it a few more days and just move on if he hasn't asked me to talk on the phone or meet. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 14, 2014 Share Posted March 14, 2014 I understand. I tried to find out from the profile, e-mail and first phone call whether our goals were the same in general and whether a relationship was logistically possible if he didn't live close by. I also used google as much as possible to confirm important facts. I tried to limit the plan for the first meeting to an hour or even less so that my time investment was small. Sometimes I had 2 or 3 first meets in a day. That way I could meet more people who had things in common with me and not feel attached at all before or when we met. There was one exception -a guy I spoke to at length - we dated for about 3 months though. There were others where the connection was strong right away and when we met it was obvious we were not a match. Link to comment
faraday Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 +1. There have been many times where I've REALLY liked text and phone calls with someone, only to meet them and realize I wasted all that time. A quicker meeting is better IMO, and I do 2-6 mini dates in a day....designate two or three days a month to first meets so that I can have a life the rest of the time (and continue to meet up with the one or two that I DID have chemistry with). Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 15, 2014 Author Share Posted March 15, 2014 A quicker meeting is better IMO, and I do 2-6 mini dates in a day LOL, I could never do that. I tried it just once, a few years ago. I had 2 meetings in a day and I felt exhausted! Anyway, lately, I feel a little burned out by online dating so, I'm not too often on the site and I'm very choosy about which emails I reply to. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 LOL, I could never do that. I tried it just once, a few years ago. I had 2 meetings in a day and I felt exhausted! Anyway, lately, I feel a little burned out by online dating so, I'm not too often on the site and I'm very choosy about which emails I reply to. When I did 2 in a day I kept them to an hour or less. It was exhausting but worth it given my goal back then. I treated it like a part time job. Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 15, 2014 Author Share Posted March 15, 2014 I have a date for Monday. This is a guy I had talked to a while ago (too long ago to look for the name I'd given him..lol). I'll call him Adam He is a computer programmer, 41, divorced, no kids, 6'1, brown hair, brown eyes, good looking in his pics. I remember we had had some pleasant chats but he was being difficult about speaking on the phone so, I had deleted him. He had sent me a few emails back then and these last few days again, saying he wants to talk to me and meet me and stuff but I hadn't answered until tonight when I thought that maybe I had written him off too soon and I gave him another chance (I do like his pics and his writing style a lot). So, we talked and then he called me and asked me when we can meet. I have plans for tomorrow so, we agreed on Monday. He sounds clever, has a good sense of humour, lives relatively close to me (half an hour away) and he's a fellow Aquarian (hopefully he won't be like ND's Tina I remember that I had been disappointed when I had deleted him but I had felt he was wasting my time. Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 17, 2014 Author Share Posted March 17, 2014 So, I had the date with Adam tonight. First of all, he wasn't like his pics...he has grown a (BIG) beard and that threw me off for a while. Eventually, I got used to his beard..lol A nice guy, in general, very friendly and talkative. We were talking all the time, about this and that..a bit about past relationships, a bit about online dating, our families, jobs and all that. Unfortunately, I couldn't feel any chemistry and neither did he, I think. At the end of the night we both said 'we'll talk' but, even if we do, I don't see anything more happening between us. Oh well, at least it was a pleasant evening Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 Well, I just had an...interesting chat with Adam. He messaged me on the site and asked what my impressions from him were. I said I thought he was nice, pleasant and talkative. He said he had liked me a lot and would like to see me again, I said sure, I'd like that and he goes 'but next time we should go to a quieter place'...and he added 'because I may want to kiss you'. I said hey, we just met yesterday! He said that sex ( ) is important for 2 people to see if they're compatible..and I said 'whoa...hold your horses..you said 'kiss'..now it turned to sex???' Anyway, to make a long story short, I told him that I need to get to know someone before I even consider sleeping with him and that if I were to 'test drive' every nice guy I go out with, I'd be having sex all day long. He seemed ok with that and he said he'd still like to meet me again to see if something can happen between us...and 5 minutes later he said BRB I'm talking to my sister...and half an hour later he still wasn't back. Of course, it could be a family emergency or something but, somehow, I don't think so. I left the site and if he wants to find me, he has my phone number. But he's way too fast for me and I don't think we're looking for the same things...besides, I'm not even sure there is enough chemistry between us for something more. I'd like to see him one more time but it's up to him. Link to comment
NorthDallas40 Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Sheesh, what is up with these dudes you meet. I feel more and more like a saint every time I read one of your exchanges! Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 Sheesh, what is up with these dudes you meet. I feel more and more like a saint every time I read one of your exchanges! I don't know. This is a guy who had never even mentioned sex before...neither during our chats nor during our date. I was very surprised. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 I wouldn't continue to talk to Adam -he's made his intentions and goals clear and they don't match yours. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Anyway, to make a long story short, I told him that I need to get to know someone before I even consider sleeping with him and that if I were to 'test drive' every nice guy I go out with, I'd be having sex all day long. He seemed ok with that I'm sure he'd be okay with you having sex with every nice guy you met, as long as he gets to be one of them. Yes, I know that's not what you meant...but it's what I would have meant, and maybe what he meant. I agree that the sister thing was an excuse (it could have been real, but even if it was, he still used it as an excuse). You'll find a lot of minimal-effort, looking-for-sex guys out there, obviously. At least he pretended to have an excuse, though. I always just said "I have to go" and vanished. If you want to scare us off, just talk a lot about looking for something serious and long-term and wanting to take things "slow". Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 If you want to scare us off, just talk a lot about looking for something serious and long-term and wanting to take things "slow". I think that for a man who is looking for something serious and long-term as well, saying such things would not scare him off. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 I think that for a man who is looking for something serious and long-term as well, saying such things would not scare him off. Yup, my husband was so scared when we discussed how we felt about serious relationships (after seeing each other 3 times) that he made sure we had plans within 24 hours of his next trip to my city and called me every night for the next 2 weeks. Link to comment
milly007 Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 I wouldn't continue to talk to Adam -he's made his intentions and goals clear and they don't match yours. I completely agree with this. Looks like Adam has shown his true colours. Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 I wouldn't continue to talk to Adam -he's made his intentions and goals clear and they don't match yours. Yes, I slept on it and came to that decision. Especially since I was so and so about him, anyway. So, I emailed him this morning I've thought about it and decided that we're looking for different things and there's no point in meeting again. Good luck and I deleted him for my list. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Yes, I slept on it and came to that decision. Especially since I was so and so about him, anyway. So, I emailed him this morning I've thought about it and decided that we're looking for different things and there's no point in meeting again. Good luck and I deleted him for my list. Impressive! Good for you. Link to comment
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