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Online Dating - A Woman's Journal

missmarple

By missmarple
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missmarple Grand Master

missmarple

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The night with Luke, his friends and mine was not what I expected. It was ok at first..although none of his friends was to my taste (or my friends' taste), one of them was talkative and seemed nice (the other one was very introverted) and Luke and I chatted pleasantly. Then, his female friend arrived....10 minutes after that, both his male friends got up and said they had to go. I've no idea what happened and if it was because of the woman but, suddenly, Luke was the only guy with 5 women....and for the next 2 hours he only talked to his female friend and ignored everyone else. It felt as if we were 4 single women and a couple! It goes without saying that I'll never see him again...if I (or my friends) wanted to go out with couples, we have couples in our own group!

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missmarple Grand Master

missmarple

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Ryan sent me 2 text messages. It's the guy who had cancelled on me the first time we were supposed to meet, without as much as a 'sorry', and had just disappeared the second time we were supposed to meet.

So, he sends 2 text messages today...6 days after the last time we spoke! First message said:

 

I hope you're ok..I came back on Saturday....I was out of town

 

Second message said:

 

I hope we can talk...Ryan

 

The nerve of some people never ceases to amaze me. No, we can't talk

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missmarple Grand Master

missmarple

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He doesn't think he's done anything wrong. In his world this is acceptable. And if you say anything you will just look uptight and too demanding. Are you going to reply?

 

No, I didn't reply and I'm not going to. I would have only replied if he had apologised for the last time we had plans and he disappeared..with a damn good excuse, like, 'I was in a coma and I just woke up this morning'.

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missmarple Grand Master

missmarple

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New guy.

 

Scott is 45, an accountant, single, no kids, 5'9, light brown hair, brown eyes, nice-looking. He lives with his brother, about 30 mins away from me and he's full of compliments but not in a creepy way. He loves animals, he has 2 dogs and he's been nursing a sick kitten for the last week. He also plays the guitar, writes songs and used to have a band when he was younger. He played me a song of his and it's quite good. He has worked in many jobs..he even had a restaurant once and he can cook very well..that's always good! He's a Cancer (those Cancers pop up around me like mushrooms!) and he likes Aquarians (poor guy He sounds easygoing and sensitive and I like what I know about him so far.

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missmarple Grand Master

missmarple

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Well, Scott and I talked again and this time he told me a bit more about his family. Unfortunately, his brother, who lives with him, has problems. When he was 30 he had some accident (he's 51 now) and he can't move his hand..but the big problem is that he has some form of epilepsy (he didn't give me details) that he's taking medication for. Most of the time he lives in some institution but Scott takes him home when he can. Their parents are dead and there are 2 more siblings but, from what he said, they don't really help with the brother. I asked for more details about his condition but he said it's a long story and he'll tell me when we meet.

I feel like an awful human being but this situation is too heavy for me. Obviously, Scott is a really nice guy to take care of his brother but I don't want to get involved with someone with such a big problem. I wouldn't mind if his brother's problems were kinetic but mental issues scare me to death..and it's something that will never go away.

I'm going to send him an email later that I don't want to continue this...I'm just thinking how to word that email, I don't want to mention his brother's problem.

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hodgeheg Enthusiast

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Woah, Miss M, I think you're being too hasty. You don't yet know the extent of his brother's mental problems and he mostly lives in a home most of the time.

 

I'm probably biased, as I've worked with adults with severe mental health issues, but I think it would still be worth meeting Scott.

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kim1 Contributor

kim1

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That is a little daunting when you find something like that out so soon. But isn't epilepsy a neurological disease? I didn't know it was a mental disorder. Or is that the same thing? He sounds like a very good guy. Imagine dating one of the siblings who ignores the brother and just goes on with their life? If I got involved with someone and then found out there was a brother they weren't helping I would be turned off.

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missmarple Grand Master

missmarple

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I think I'm being cautious. What if I meet him and a relationship happens? Obviously, his other siblings couldn't care less... that means that Scott will have to take care of him for the rest of his life...and the same will go for his girlfriend, of course, if things become serious. Also, as I said, he didn't tell me the whole story. I know people with epilepsy and none of them is in a home. It doesn't make sense to me why, if his only problems are a paralysed hand and epilepsy that can be controlled with pills, he lives in a home. This is a guy who hasn't worked in 20 years....so, it has to be something more serious than what Scott told me if he needs professional care, right?

Admittedly, I don't know much about this sort of thing, so, if anyone knows more, I'd like to hear.

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Silvergalaxy Rookie

Silvergalaxy

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If he cannot use one of his hands, he may require help with a lot of his daily activities such as getting dressed, showering, even feeding (for example, need to have his meat cut in advance, his toast buttered, etc). So it makes sense that he would live in a home where they can provide that kind of assistance especially since his parents are dead and there is no one to help him during the day at home. I may be wrong but the only way to find the story is to meet up with Scott before you judge the situation. Just my opinion but I think you are being too hasty to dismiss him based on this.

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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You certainly are entitled to think this is too much baggage. I would also avoid any man whose parents are alive and where there is any chance that he will have to be significantly involved in their care when one or both gets older. Find out right away if he is a person who would want his parent living with him or how far he would go to take care of an elderly parent. It's the same type of issue really especially given conditions like Alzheimers or Parkinsons.

 

Yes, this person has this situation right now and for years to come but with elderly parents that kind of situation can be far more intense and last for years too. It's good that you know your boundaries but then I wouldn't forget to find out the parent-related info as soon as possible so you don't get attached to someone who would want his parent to live with him or be at a nursing facility where he would, let's say, spend hours there every day. That wouldn't work with your lifestyle it seems.

 

I recently went through an experience with caring for an elderly in-law who I loved very much. It was a very intense time that required a lot of sacrifice on my part in many ways. I did my best to muddle through and to be supportive and help our family. Your concerns reminded me how common it is to face a situation like Scott's with a long term partner/spouse.

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missmarple Grand Master

missmarple

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Yes, this person has this situation right now and for years to come but with elderly parents that kind of situation can be far more intense and last for years too. It's good that you know your boundaries but then I wouldn't forget to find out the parent-related info as soon as possible so you don't get attached to someone who would want his parent to live with him or be at a nursing facility where he would, let's say, spend hours there every day. That wouldn't work with your lifestyle it seems.

 

There are 2 big differences when it comes to parents. One is age, of course. The guys I'm interested in are around 45, usually closer to 50. Their parents are over 70 or even 80. They're not 5 years older than me like his brother.

The other difference is that my problem with Scott wasn't the amount of time he'd spend with his brother or even if he lived with him. I've lived with sick people before...my mum's parents....both my grandpa and my grandma lived with us and died in our house when I was 13 and 16 respectively.

It's this particular situation with his brother that made me feel uncomfortable. Maybe because he wouldn't tell me what exactly was the problem..some things just didn't add up...for example, first he told me he lives with him (he even has 'I live with a roommate' on his profile), then he said he just brings him home sometimes, then he said it's some sort of epilepsy but I'll tell you more if we meet, then he wouldn't answer my questions...I don't know..the whole thing made me feel like he was hiding something and like things are much more complicated than 'some sort of epilepsy'.

I could meet him and find out more but I think it would make things more difficult for both of us, especially if there was chemistry between us.

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missmarple Grand Master

missmarple

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I think a lot of people don't say all their family drama right before even a first meet so I don't blame him for being vague.

 

I think that if you're going to say something, you'd better tell the whole truth. Being vague only makes things worse...for all I know, the situation could be much better than what I thought but, the way he went about it, he made me feel like he's hiding something very serious.

 

I understand Miss Marple. I'm curious -would it have been better if he said nothing until you two went out a few times?

 

No, it would have been worse. I'm an emotional person (maybe it's not obvious from what I write on here, I don't know) and, if there was some established 'connection' between us (which would have to be if I went out with him more than a couple of times), I would probably just stick around and feel awful if his brother had much more serious problems than what he said. I think we'd both be miserable.

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browneyedgirl36 Rising Star

browneyedgirl36

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Epilepsy is not a mental health condition. Just FYI.

 

Yes; definitely not a mental health issue, if indeed it is epilepsy that he suffers from. It does require some significant care, though, as people with epilepsy generally aren't permitted to drive, seizures can be debilitating, particularly if they are frequent and severe. He may have a brain injury that brought on the seizures, and this could certainly coincide with behavioral issues, but...there's too little info to go on here.

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