Online Dating - A Woman's Journal

[calichick007]

Ick. The expect-sex-by-date-three mentality is so puzzling to me. I guess there must be a lot of women out there obliging, given how prevalent it is...

[missmarple]

Ick. The expect-sex-by-date-three mentality is so puzzling to me. I guess there must be a lot of women out there obliging, given how prevalent it is...

 

That's what he said, I don't know if he was being honest. But he did try to make it seem like that's the 'norm'.

[NorthDallas40]

The second date with Roy...was a very bad date and I feel like I just ran a marathon. It goes without saying that I don't want to 'explore things' with him any further. I'll just send him a text in the morning that I've thought about it and decided that we are very different people.

 

Yeah, regardless of the "3rd Date Rule" (which actually has been 95% true in my experience), this guy obviously has no ability to empathize or accurately read the person he's with. He's all about HIS agenda, no matter what you said about it. Bad sign.

 

If a woman I was dating gave me your answers on a 2nd date, I'd totally respect them and not push the issue(s) further. I can only see things getting worse with this guy, so I vote to drop him too.

 

Curious - how many men have you actually met in person since you started this thread? How many got to a 2nd or 3rd date or further? I'm interested in the statistics!

[Batya33]

I agree that Roy is not a good match for you. I'd find him creepy and sleazy.

[missmarple]

Curious - how many men have you actually met in person since you started this thread? How many got to a 2nd or 3rd date or further? I'm interested in the statistics!

 

I'm not sure since I started the thread but, since August, when I started online dating again, I've met, maybe, 20 to 25 guys. One guy got to 4 dates (it was before I started the thread) and three more got to 2 dates (Keith, Roy and one more I had also met before the thread). From the rest, there were 4 or 5 that I would be interested in seeing again but they either weren't interested (didn't contact me again after the date) or they did something that disappointed me ( for example, the guy who had asked me to introduce my friend to his married friend or the guy who had turned out to be 59 or Greg, who had sent that message saying I live 'too far').

[Batya33]

So when you calculate you count the first meet as a date? When I used to figure it out I only counted the guys I went out with after the first time we met -(but I did try to figure out how many guys I only had the first meet with). 20-25 guys in 6 months sounds reasonable.

[missmarple]

So when you calculate you count the first meet as a date?

 

Yes, although I know it's not exactly a date. And anyway, ND asked how many I've met in person.

 

 

Here is my news:

This morning I texted Roy the following:

Good morning. I've thought about it and decided that we are very different people and there's no point in meeting again. Good luck and I hope you find what you're looking for.

He never replied.

 

On other news, last night I got a new email by some guy. Ian, 48, has a travel company, divorced with 2 sons. He looks ok in his pics, a nice smile, grey hair, brown eyes....although he's shorter than the men I usually go for...he's 5'8 but I liked his face so, I figured I'd give him a chance. He lives 1 hour away so I emailed him that I don't drive and if he wants to meet, he'll have to come over here or meet half-way. He responded that he doesn't mind driving to my part of town.

This afternoon, when I came home from work, I found a new email saying that he'd like to talk on the phone if I want to give him my number.

Now, get this...I emailed him saying (word by word)

Hey Ian, I just came home, I'm sooo tired....about to eat something and lie down but I'd like to talk to you later. This is my phone number and you can call any time you want, as long as it's after 7pm. Have a nice afternoon.

Almost the moment I sent the email, my phone rang and, yes, it was Ian, very upbeat and happy, saying he's at so and so train station (15 mins from my neighbourhood) and would I like to meet for a quick cup of coffee

I told him that, as I wrote in the email, I just came home, I'm tired and haven't even had lunch yet. He said oh, ok, we'll talk when you can.

 

A bad sign for a new acquaintance when they completely ignore what you just told them!

 

Edited to add:

Ian just sent me an email.

My phone number is this. Call me any time you want. Sorry I called before.

 

Really??? I'm supposed to call you? Why, when you asked for my number and I had already told you to call me after 7pm?

I don't think so!!!

[Batya33]

I think you might be misinterpreting. He neglected to read your email carefully and just picked up the phone. Now he's sorry so he's overcompensating by putting the ball in your court because he's afraid of calling at the wrong time again. I'd call him and give him another chance.

 

Sorry about the statistics issue - I apologize!

[missmarple]

Nope, he didn't misunderstand and I wasn't misinterpreting.

When he called, he said I know you said after 7 but I happen to be at...etc etc. He knew very well what my email said and he chose to ignore it, both on the phone and in his following email. I'm definitely not calling him.

 

And now, for Roy's reaction to my good luck text (sent 10 hours after mine)

 

Good afternoon. I agree with you and thanks for your wishes. I've been thinking that, with what you've told me about your friend, I have more things in common with her. I'd appreciate it if you told her about me and, if she wants to, I can call her and we can arrange a meeting. Thank you.

 

Now, if you wonder what I'd told him about that friend?

That she's 52, blonde, divorced like myself, a teacher like myself and likes travelling. That was all. And that was when he had asked me if I have some single friend we could go out with on Friday so he could bring a single friend of his along and he wanted to know a few things about her to tell him. And from that, he thought they have more 'things in common'!

 

I can't believe some people.

[Batya33]

Roy is desperate. And of course it's your call about Ian -there's so much room for miscommunications and social flubs when it comes to e-mails and quick phone calls with a stranger but it sounds like he doesn't meet your social etiquette standards.

[NorthDallas40]

Both ROY and IAN sound kinda clueless.

 

I definitely agree with Batya that Roy is desperate. So pathetic.

 

As for Ian, I don't know why he didn't just ask when was a better time to call when he had you on the phone. Though I agree with Batya that maybe he was just excited to meet you, hence his overlooking the specifics of your email, or more likely just trying to grab a good opportunity when he was already nearby. I'd give him another chance. Though it was dumb of him to leave things so vague with that last text. Again, clueless.

[missmarple]

Well, if by social etiquette standards you mean I expect a guy to respect the fact that I'm hungry, tired and can't even talk until hours later, not to mention the fact that I hadn't even agreed to go on a date with him since we'd never talked except for one generic email...then, yes, he doesn't meet them.

[missmarple]

As for Ian, I don't know why he didn't just ask when was a better time to call when he had you on the phone.

 

Because I had said on the email WHEN he could call!

[browneyedgirl36]

I understand that you feel that he ignored your e-mail and that his calling was inappropriate, etc., but I'm with ND40 on this; I think he maybe just got a bit over-enthusiastic, realized he was going to be in your area, and thought he might see if you'd meet up. Perhaps he was a bit over-zealous, but...I don't know. I might give the benefit of the doubt and give him one chance, at least, on the phone. The fact that he admitted he's 5'8" (rather than stating he's 5'11" and hoping you won't notice) is a plus in my book.

 

It's your prerogative, though. If you think he's no good because he overstepped a bit, then don't give him a chance. I think he realized he over-stepped, hence the apology, and I think him giving you his number was his way of saying, "I'm sorry, why don't you call me when you are available/feel up to talking?" I don't read it as being disrespectful at all, but that's just me. I wouldn't have gone out for a second time with Roy or Keith, either, but again, that's me, and you have to decide what's best for you.

[NorthDallas40]

Because I had said on the email WHEN he could call!

 

Exactly. In his shoes, I would have said "Sorry about that. I just happened to be in the area. Anyway, get some rest and something to eat. Can I call you later, like around 8:30?"

 

So either he's clueless or nervous. Or perhaps your tone on the phone made him back off too far?

[browneyedgirl36]

Exactly. In his shoes, I would have said "Sorry about that. I just happened to be in the area. Anyway, get some rest and something to eat. Can I call you later, like around 8:30?"

 

So either he's clueless or nervous. Or perhaps your tone on the phone made him back off too far?

 

I vote for nervous. I'm guessing he probably thought, "Whoa. I've upset her; I'd better back off. Maybe I'll suggest that SHE call me when she feels like it."

 

He could also be a little clueless. I'm not getting a bad vibe off of this one, though. I think he meant well -- he may have just gotten a bit ahead of himself. If he were demanding or rude about it, or wouldn't take no for an answer and kept pushing when you reiterated that you were tired and wanted to rest, then maybe I'd say cut him off, but...I think he might just be trying too hard, and now he's feeling bad about putting you off, hence his suggestion that you call.

[Batya33]

I vote for nervous. I'm guessing he probably thought, "Whoa. I've upset her; I'd better back off. Maybe I'll suggest that SHE call me when she feels like it."

 

He could also be a little clueless. I'm not getting a bad vibe off of this one, though. I think he meant well -- he may have just gotten a bit ahead of himself. If he were demanding or rude about it, or wouldn't take no for an answer and kept pushing when you reiterated that you were tired and wanted to rest, then maybe I'd say cut him off, but...I think he might just be trying too hard, and now he's feeling bad about putting you off, hence his suggestion that you call.

 

Yes Miss Marple that is what I meant and I can relate to your annoyance and aggravation, I really can. What I meant by my post was that to me this is far more about cluelessness and flubbing social niceties in that important first impression way than it is about being disrespectful or anything intentionally negative. Now, maybe I'm splitting hairs but if he had made fun of you or heaven forbid been angry with you for sticking to your schedule and telling him no then I would be with you -then he'd be disrespectful and controlling to boot.

 

I think you are not giving him another chance because on top of the behavior you didn't like he is "only" 5"8. That's fine too but maybe better if you were honest that this was more of a last straw than the whole reason.

[missmarple]

Well, if he calls me, I'll give him a chance. But my instinct says something is off about him. His attitude gives me a vibe of 'I'm not that serious about getting to know you but if I happen to be in your part of town, we can hook up'.

Don't forget that I know NOTHING about this guy, nothing at all, except the most basic things and the same goes for him. It's not someone I've even exchanged 2-3 emails with. In any case, if he is that nervous that he just sits back and waits for me to call him (when he was the one who suggested to talk on the phone, in the first place), he's the wrong guy for me...a second Keith.

[missmarple]

I think you are not giving him another chance because on top of the behavior you didn't like he is "only" 5"8. That's fine too but maybe better if you were honest that this was more of a last straw than the whole reason.

 

First of all, I never said I'm not giving him another chance. I said I expect him to do what was supposed to be done in the first place..to call me...and that I see no reason why I should call him when my email was perfectly clear.

Second, his height has nothing to do with it. I've rejected guys who were much taller for reasons of behaviour I found unacceptable or rude and I'm not sure where your comment comes from. When did I ever reject anyone, who was otherwise ok, for reasons of height? Yes, he's a bit shorter than my usual type but, once I decided I like his pics, I would give him a chance.

Also, to be honest, I find your comment insulting.

[missmarple]

God, some people are just weird.

 

Some guy messaged me on the site. 45, good looking pics, single, a dentist. After he told me his name, all he talked about was TEETH. Have you had any teeth out? Have you done this? Have you done that? When was the last time you went to a dentist? He didn't even ask for my name!

I said 'can we please change the subject?' and he goes 'why? don't you find it interesting?'. 'No', I said and he said 'you shouldn't be so narrow minded!'.

I said 'bye'

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you felt insulted- I did not intend to insult you. You made a point about giving him a chance despite the fact that he is shorter than you prefer- it sounded like you were overreacting to your first impression of him and I wondered if your reluctance to give him another chance was based on his height. I think you should give him another chance by calling him and not stand on ceremony about what was written in an e-mail to a stranger. To you it was perfectly clear, to him it might not have been. Just my humble opinion. If you wait for him to call you then you are not giving him another chance since he said he would like you to call (because, I think, that he now feels uncomfortable calling again for fear that he will break your rules or not follow your instructions).

[Larkin]

Giving Ian the benefit of the doubt, I get the impression he was simply giving you his phone number because you had given him yours, and not actually expecting you to initiate a phone call. But, IF you did call, it wouldn't matter when. My $.02.

[Batya33]

Giving Ian the benefit of the doubt, I get the impression he was simply giving you his phone number because you had given him yours, and not actually expecting you to initiate a phone call. But, IF you did call, it wouldn't matter when. My $.02.

 

Yes, that might be right - I didn't look it at that way but I see where you're coming from.

[NorthDallas40]

God, some people are just weird.

 

Some guy messaged me on the site. 45, good looking pics, single, a dentist. After he told me his name, all he talked about was TEETH. Have you had any teeth out? Have you done this? Have you done that? When was the last time you went to a dentist? He didn't even ask for my name!

I said 'can we please change the subject?' and he goes 'why? don't you find it interesting?'. 'No', I said and he said 'you shouldn't be so narrow minded!'.

I said 'bye'

 

 

Wow, you can't make this stuff up. Sounds like some odd Peter Sellers routine from 1972.

[missmarple]

Regarding Ian, I thought about it and decided on a third approach.

I emailed him this morning saying that I hadn't gotten online last night and hadn't seen his email (with his number etc) so, I had waited for him to call me...he replied immediately asking when he can call and I said he can call now or after 3pm. He hasn't called yet so, I guess he'll call in the afternoon.

It's the first time I've had so much trouble with someone calling me! After, I don't know how many, guys!!!