Online Dating - A Woman's Journal

[missmarple]

Adam emailed me back...ok, good luck to you, too. Good riddance.

 

I just talked to Shane, too...but it won't be for much longer. As usual, we talked for about half an hour and then he had to go and said 'see you' (which I doubt). Anyway, on Sunday he'll be off my list unless he has asked me to meet before then. Considering we even talked about meeting (not each other...in general) and I told him that the reason I'm on the site is to meet new people in person, I can tell that he's either not that interested to meet anyone and just kills time online or he's waiting for the woman to ask...whatever the reason, I don't plan on waiting for him forever and I certainly won't ask him myself.

[Batya33]

Adam emailed me back...ok, good luck to you, too. Good riddance.

 

I just talked to Shane, too...but it won't be for much longer. As usual, we talked for about half an hour and then he had to go and said 'see you' (which I doubt). Anyway, on Sunday he'll be off my list unless he has asked me to meet before then. Considering we even talked about meeting (not each other...in general) and I told him that the reason I'm on the site is to meet new people in person, I can tell that he's either not that interested to meet anyone and just kills time online or he's waiting for the woman to ask...whatever the reason, I don't plan on waiting for him forever and I certainly won't ask him myself.

 

Yes, because if you suggested meeting in person to see if in the future you should go on a date he might get the impression that you were interested in more than talking with him at length on line and regularly. I don't know -isn't the cat out of the bag as far as your interest in him? He sees that you're willing to spend all this time and apparently don't have other dates when you're available to talk to him a half hour at a time.

[Blue Spiral]

I think that for a man who is looking for something serious and long-term as well, saying such things would not scare him off.

 

Sigh. In my original post, "us" = "minimal-effort, looking-for-sex guys", not "guys in general". I was trying to help her avoid guys like me.

[Batya33]

Sigh. In my original post, "us" = "minimal-effort, looking-for-sex guys", not "guys in general". I was trying to help her avoid guys like me.

 

I understand but that was not clear at all from your post. I don't think you're part of a category because men who are only looking for sexual interactions might have vastly different reasons for doing so. For example, it might be temporary and the person might decide to look for something serious because of someone he meets or he might look for sexual interactions only from women he doesn't see a future with. I think you're just an individual person who happens to avoid serious or potentially serious relationships and prefers instead to keep your interactions to sex.

[missmarple]

Yes, because if you suggested meeting in person to see if in the future you should go on a date he might get the impression that you were interested in more than talking with him at length on line and regularly. I don't know -isn't the cat out of the bag as far as your interest in him? He sees that you're willing to spend all this time and apparently don't have other dates when you're available to talk to him a half hour at a time.

 

If I suggested meeting in person, I would never know if he was really interested in meeting me or just agreed because I asked him...and, if anything was to happen between us, it would always be in the back of my mind.

I want someone who takes initiative...not a little boy I have to take by the hand.

As for your last sentence...the last time I talked to him was a week ago so, I don't know how talking to him for half an hour, (and, I should add, at 3pm as we've never talked in the evening) would make him think I don't have other dates.

[Batya33]

If I suggested meeting in person, I would never know if he was really interested in meeting me or just agreed because I asked him...and, if anything was to happen between us, it would always be in the back of my mind.

I want someone who takes initiative...not a little boy I have to take by the hand.

As for your last sentence...the last time I talked to him was a week ago so, I don't know how talking to him for half an hour, (and, I should add, at 3pm as we've never talked in the evening) would make him think I don't have other dates.

 

But why not see if he takes initiative in the ways that count -asking you out on a real date - rather than wasting this kind of time on a stranger - I guess the downside of your time investment isn't a downside to you. The men I met where I suggested meeting didn't lack initiative -not in the least - those who wanted to ask me out did so when we met. What it did mean is that I didn't waste time talking to chat buddies and I was able to meet more men and get to know more men because I moved on far more quickly if we didn't have a plan to meet within one or two phone calls.

If you ask first and he agrees, he is agreeing to meet a stranger to see if he is interested in dating you. If he asks first that's all it means, too.

 

For example, Adam wasn't particularly interested in meeting you as an individual -he simply was interested in finding another sex partner. You shouldn't take that personally because you met as strangers for all practical purposes. On the other hand if a man meets you in person and asks you out on a date after meeting you in person there's a much better chance that he actually feels chemistry or potential chemistry with you and a much better chance that he's not just looking for a sex partner (because then he'll also have an impression of how you behaved on the date, your body language and vibe,etc.). I'll also add that if after one meet the man doesn't ask you out you shouldn't take that personally either - he doesn't know you well enough to "reject" you on a meaningful level.

[missmarple]

But why not see if he takes initiative in the ways that count -asking you out on a real date - rather than wasting this kind of time on a stranger - I guess the downside of your time investment isn't a downside to you. The men I met where I suggested meeting didn't lack initiative -not in the least - those who wanted to ask me out did so when we met. What it did mean is that I didn't waste time talking to chat buddies and I was able to meet more men and get to know more men because I moved on far more quickly if we didn't have a plan to meet within one or two phone calls.

 

First of all, the time I spent talking to Shane (or to Adam or..or) is time I would be online, anyway. I don't leave anything behind just to talk to Shane (or to whoever). I browse the net and, at the same time, I talk to them, so, I don't consider it an 'investment' at all. I would consider it time investment if, say, Shane told me 'hey, let's make a date to chat online at so and so time'...and I made time especially for him.

Second, to reply to your first comment..because, to me, it matters if someone is confident/interested/whatever you want to call it enough to ask me out on that first meeting. The way I see things, if a guy is serious about wanting to meet a woman, he won't wait for weeks on end before he asks her out (see ND's journal, for example).

If after a few chats (or phone conversations or whatever) with a woman who is friendly and open, a guy who is not very new at online dating (and thus reasonably hesitant), doesn't ask her out, it means something isn't right. He's either too busy, unavailable, chats just to kill time, is too passive or has been dating others he's more interested in.

[Batya33]

I agree that if he doesn't ask to meet (he is not "asking her out" as in on a date -she's a stranger!) then he might not be interested in doing more than chatting. I preferred not to spend more time than one or two emails/one or two phone calls -which might have been faster than he wanted to ask but I didn't have the time you seem to have to spend chatting up strangers. So I suggested a first meet after the first phone call if he didn't. I let him ask me out on a date. He already knew I was "interested" enough to talk to him, he already knew I had posted a profile on a dating site so it was obvious I was talking to him in order to meet him in person -why else? I didn't want to wait around any longer than absolutely necessary to see if we clicked in person. I worked over 60 hours a week at times, I wanted to meet as many potentially suitable men as possible and I didn't want to start to feel negative by talking to all these strangers who just wanted chat buddies. So, I screened out the potential chat buddies by asking if they were interested in meeting in person.

 

None of them ever, ever said that it was too soon to meet. Some said they'd get back to me which was fine -we hung up, I moved on unless the person called again. However you slice it, your way of doing things means you spend more time talking to strangers who might not be interested in meeting in the name of "he has to take initiative to ask me to meet in person even though I'm advertising I'm single and e-mailing/chatting him up". To each her own -it's your time to spend as you see fit.

[missmarple]

Of course a guy won't say it's too soon to meet...noone has told me that either.

But I don't want someone who will just 'go along' with my suggestion, because, after all, to spend a couple of hours having a cup of coffee with a woman is better than watching TV.

Don't compare your experiences with online dating to mine because I'm at a totally different place than you were when you dated online. You wanted to get married and have kids. I don't. I have no reason to meet 'as many potentially suitable men as possible' as soon as I can.

I just want a relationship. Besides, I never keep anyone on my list to have as a chat buddy (and really waste time then) when they don't ask to meet me within the first 2-3 chats or phone calls. With Shane I made an exception because our talks have been very short and irregular, because I know he works far (and spends many nights over there, too) and because he had mentioned that we should meet 'some time' and I thought that meant he was going to ask me to meet in our next chat..which he didn't...and I kept chatting to him just because I don't have any other prospects right now.

If I end up deleting him on Sunday, I won't have lost/wasted anything. I'll just have had a few chats here and there with someone who wasn't interested in taking things further..so what? What would I have done today in that half hour I talked with him? The exact same thing..browsing the net.

[Batya33]

That's interesting. I always (always!) preferred spending time on my own or with friends rather than meeting a stranger. I declined invitations for fancy dinner if we didn't click on the phone. I didn't realize you were limiting your chats/phone calls that way -from what you post it sounded like it was far more drawn out. I never saw someone suggesting to meet as taking initiative in a dating context (and vice versa) -to me it said nothing more than stating the obvious -obviously we were both online to meet people in person and if the minimal standard was met - you'd feel comfortable talking to this person for 45 minutes - then you met.

[missmarple]

LOL, Batya, if you always preferred spending time on your own or with friends than meeting a stranger, how on earth did you do online dating at all?

If what you mean is 'strangers you don't feel you click with', sure, I don't usually go out with men when I feel there's nothing there...but, at the same time, I've had cases when I clicked on the phone/online and then had a very mediocre date and good dates with guys that on the phone I had thought they were not really my type.

[missmarple]

I think I'm going to delete Shane sooner than Sunday. We just had one more chat online, for the usual 15 mins and in those 15 mins he managed to make a very tasteless joke about his ex wife having died (she hasn't)...of course, I didn't imagine he would joke about death, I asked what happened, etc and he said she's alive and well and he'd have liked to see my reaction Then I said I have to go and he said we'll talk tomorrow...and I decided that that will be his very last chance. If he does ask me out for the weekend, I'll give him a chance (hoping that in person his jokes aren't as bad)...if not, he's gone.

[Batya33]

LOL, Batya, if you always preferred spending time on your own or with friends than meeting a stranger, how on earth did you do online dating at all?

If what you mean is 'strangers you don't feel you click with', sure, I don't usually go out with men when I feel there's nothing there...but, at the same time, I've had cases when I clicked on the phone/online and then had a very mediocre date and good dates with guys that on the phone I had thought they were not really my type.

 

Nope - not what I meant -I was responding to your assumption that if you ask a man through a dating site to meet in person he might agree because he has nothing better to do. I disagree with that assumption, as I wrote, and I much preferred to meet friends or have a date with myself rather than get dinner with a stranger I wasn't interested in meeting (or who had dealbreakers as far as long term potential).

 

I never did online dating -and to me it's not semantics. You spend far more time on line than I ever did. I met over 100 men in person through on line dating sites. Most of them I spoke with for about 20 minutes on the phone (or less) after exchanging one or two emails. I knew that the on line time was mostly irrelevant and was just for safety screening, to see if his profile had dealbreakers (or the one or two emails/phone call) plus to see if at minimum we would have a chance at a pleasant conversation in person. The on line part was simply a way to make first contact.

 

I never believed I was being "asked out" by a man who wanted to meet me in person for the first time and I never assumed he had any interest beyond wanting to see if we should go on a date in the future. I felt the same from my side. There were maybe two or three exceptions where we talked longer, where one or both of us felt more attached before meeting but that was very rare. I wanted an in person relationship and I knew I would find out if there was potential only by meeting in person ASAP. His physical features were a minor factor in why I felt this was so important.

[missmarple]

Nope - not what I meant -I was responding to your assumption that if you ask a man through a dating site to meet in person he might agree because he has nothing better to do. I disagree with that assumption, as I wrote, and I much preferred to meet friends or have a date with myself rather than get dinner with a stranger I wasn't interested in meeting (or who had dealbreakers as far as long term potential).

 

Oh, I see what you meant.

Still, just because YOU would prefer to spend time on your own or with friends, doesn't mean that everyone is the same. Just read some threads on this forum from guys complaining that women don't even reply to them online. Do you think that those guys would say no if some girl asked them to meet or they would consider 'long term potential' or dealbreakers?

As long as a woman is relatively good-looking (and the guy isn't someone who has women falling all over him, of course), I don't know many men who would refuse a suggestion to spend some time with her if the altervative was staying home.

Women are different. Because a/we have more options online and b/we have biological limitations (if we want to have kids, that is), we won't just accept any invitation to meet someone..but I'm sure I don't have to tell you that women and men are different, even more so when it comes to online dating.

[Batya33]

I suppose. But if I were a man and a stranger invited me out I'd still assume I'd be paying and I'd still have the burden of having to make conversation with a stranger. The alternative isn't staying home if home is not appealing- have you never planned and taken yourself on a date? You should try it sometime.

[missmarple]

have you never planned and taken yourself on a date? You should try it sometime.

 

What do you mean?

[Batya33]

What do you mean?

 

Plan a date with yourself. Something you love to do and make all the arrangements -at night or during the day. Years ago my friend suggested this to me (she had done it) and I loved the idea. It reaffirms how much you matter to yourself. I never understood the "well I'll just sit at home" attitude. I think it's great to stay home if that makes you happy but when or if it doesn't, plan a date for yourself. I have one friend who takes herself out for dinner, for example.

[missmarple]

Oh, I see what you mean. But I wasn't talking about myself..I was talking about men and why they may agree going out with someone they're not that interested in...and why I want to avoid that.

[Batya33]

Oh, I see what you mean. But I wasn't talking about myself..I was talking about men and why they may agree going out with someone they're not that interested in...and why I want to avoid that.

 

Yes, a man might agree to a date even though he is not that interested in the woman if he finds the woman attractive and if she has offered to take him out to somewhere he might not otherwise be able to afford. I don't think that's the same as accepting an offer to meet a stranger for coffee for 45 minutes in the middle of the day or early evening on a work day.

[missmarple]

I just deleted Shane.

This morning he had messaged me on the site. Knowing that he won't be online in the weekend (he only chats from work), I made sure to ask him if he has any plans for the weekend...he said he has a birthday party to go tomorrow night and asked about mine. I said that I also have plans for tomorrow night but I'm free tonight and on Sunday...and...nothing. He changed the subject and we started talking about stuff like the Boeing that disappeared, food, music, etc

Obviously, he's not interested in doing anything else than just chat online..and he can chat to others from now on.

[missmarple]

I got a message by a new guy. Jonathan is a bit younger than I usually go for, 39, but his message was very clever and funny and I liked his profile. He's 6 feet, with blonde hair and green eyes, a gym teacher, divorced with kids. I don't know many details about him because we only exchanged a few messages and then he had to go out but he gave me his email address and I've already emailed him...I made sure that I included 'I'm interested in getting to know people in person, not chat for endless hours online' in my email

[missmarple]

Ok, when it rains 39yo guys, it pours

 

Theo is another 39yo. We first talked yesterday and today we took it to phone and he asked me out (which is what normal people do, Shane and we made a date for tomorrow. He lives very close to me, no more than 10 minutes away. He's single, no kids and a computer teacher (yes, it pours teachers, too..lol). He's 5'10, brown hair and eyes and has a rather sweet face and we seem to have many things in common...except he exercises a lot (he was about to go jogging when we talked) and I don't (yes, gym people also seem to be after me today

[missmarple]

I came home to find an email by Jonathan.

It was very nicely written and quite long. He said he's been divorced for a year and has a 5yo daughter. He said he hopes I didn't just talk to him because of his sense of humour and that he hopes I like his pics, too..and added a blushing smiley...he's either insecure (he's a Pisces so I wouldn't be surprised) or he's full of it....as he's a very good looking guy.

He's been on that site since August and lots of women have messaged him (which I believe as he's good looking with a very good profile - the only reason I hadn't was because of his age and, well, because I rarely message guys first) and he's gone out with 3 of them but there was no second date....he's not looking for something superficial but for someone to fall in love with and not someone to be with just because of her looks - that looks are important but not the main thing.

Then he said that he messaged me because he likes me a lot...that sometimes you look at a stranger's pics and 'you feel things that are hard to explain'...and that he's not fond of endless chatting either (I had mentioned that in my email to him) and that he'd like to meet me whenever and wherever I want.

 

It was certainly different than the emails I usually get and I'm not sure what to make of it. First of all, I don't like the fact that he has such a young kid but, as long as she lives with his ex wife, and if everything else about him is to my liking, I don't think it will be a dealbreaker. Second, I can't decide if he's insecure or too clever...I guess I'll decide that when I see him in person. Finally, it's the first time someone says something like that about my pics...I mean, I get lots of compliments, the usual stuff (you're pretty,, I like your smile, etc) but never in that way...he's either for real or...he's not ..lol

 

Anyway, I emailed him back with an equally long email. In a few words, I said that I do like his pics but I try not to pay compliments to someone before I meet him in person because, for me to like someone, it has to do with much more than just his looks. That I also don't want something superficial, that I'm looking for a serious relationship and that I've gone out with several people (I didn't say how many) but nothing came out of it because either the chemistry wasn't there or they were looking for something different than I was. I said I'm glad he also wants to meet soon but I'm busy for the next 3 days and we could arrange something after Wednesday. Finally, I gave him my phone number and said he can call me tomorrow morning/afternoon as I'll be at home and I'd like to hear his voice

[missmarple]

Jonathan texted me a few minutes ago. A sweet text thanking me for giving him my phone number and saying he's looking forward to talking to me in the morning but because he doesn't want to call at a bad time, I should call him first, let it ring once, and he will call right after. This guy sounds too good to be true

 

And....as usual, it's either no guy or many guys.

 

One more new guy that I first talked to tonight is Gabriel. He is 44, 5'10, brown hair and eyes, quite attractive. He has a company of imports-exports in the food business, he's divorced and has a 7yo daughter (it's the day of young daughters, too..lol).

I enjoyed my chat with him. He has a good head on his shoulders (he's a fellow Aquarian), he seems to know what he wants and he told me he's looking for a partner. Many of the things he said he's looking for I could have written myself. He's one of the few guys who said he wants to get to know a woman and he's in no hurry to sleep with someone just to say he's had sex. His last relationship was in September. He was a bit disappointed with online dating, mostly because he's gone out with a few women who had lied about either age or looks (old pics, etc)...he told me he values honesty most of all and that everything on his profile is true.

When I said I had to go, he asked me to talk on the phone tomorrow..we exchanged phone numbers and I said I'll call him at 11.

 

So, 2 phonecalls and a date tomorrow...it's been a productive day

[Batya33]

Great! I would change your admonition about endless chatting on line to simply "I am interested in getting to know people in person" and leave off the "endless hours of chatting" so that you're not airing any potential dirty laundry (like the impression that you're cynical because other men have taken up too much of your time). The first part says exactly what you want, in a positive way. Anyone who is serious about meeting in person will understand.