Online Dating - A Woman's Journal

[BigKK]

Then he said some more weird psychological stuff like 'from today I can see straight through you', and 'I tried to make you angry before but you didn't bite'. I asked why he would try to make me angry, he said 'I had my reasons but you have a gentle soul'. No idea if I was his guinea pig or something. Anyway, when he started calling me baby I said it's time to go to bed.

 

If this isn't a red flag, I don't know what it is. It sounds like he thinks he is much smarter than he is and is trying to come off like a mentalist or something. Who knows! Maybe it's working since you are considering him again? I think my number 1 rule of dating is getting the girl talking and finding out about her...I guess his psychology studies have taught him otherwise!

[missmarple]

Maybe it's working since you are considering him again? I think my number 1 rule of dating is getting the girl talking and finding out about her...I guess his psychology studies have taught him otherwise!

 

HAHA, no, you're doing the right thing and he did the wrong thing. I'm considering to go on one more date, I'm not considering him as a romantic prospect. There's a BIG difference between those 2 and he'd practically have to do somersaults to even get to the second date...I'm sure you don't want that

 

For me to agree on a second date, this is what needs to be done:

a/ he'll have to initiate everything, from talking to me online, to texting/callng, to suggesting the date...I'm not going to lift a finger to make things easy on him and b/ he'll have to be on his best behaviour every time we talk as I'll be reading/listening like a hawk.

Of course, all this, provided that he wants a second date (some people just flirt to flirt) and that I won't meet anyone interesting this week (as he's free on weekends so I imagine that's when he'll ask if he does).

 

It would be so much easier if he had followed the rule of getting the girl talking

[Zuri]

Girl, don't go out with him again. He thinks you're stupid.

[missmarple]

Well, if he thinks I'm stupid, it suits me just fine...and he's in for a surprise..lol

[annie24]

I agree with BigKK that his "test to make you angry" is not ok. Why is he trying to make you angry on a first date? I don't like people who play psych games. Total red flag.

[missmarple]

Anyway, I doubt he'll do everything I need in order to get that second date (if he even asks for one). If he does, we can come back to him.

[NorthDallas40]

As much as this guy *could* be a weirdo, I'm willing to give missmarple - and anyone - some latitude in dating who they please.

 

Attraction is subjective, and almost everyone is willing to put up with certain "flaws" - and be completely inconsistent with their screening process - if there's other things they like about a person.

 

We've all made dumb dating choices, and maybe going out with this guy a 2nd time would be one of them. But I doubt Miss M is going to be scarred for life if she does. And if he does turn out to be a decent guy after all (doubtful, but it could happen), then everyone pooh-poohing her will have egg on their face.

 

Full disclosure: I admit I'm saying this partly in solidarity for when I merely *considered* a 2nd date with a girl who was kind of a trainwreck on our first meetup, and the entirety of ENA jumped down my throat for even entertaining the notion.... much like they're doing to missmarple now.

[lifesatrip]

I'd be really careful with this one, he sounds like a narcissist. I'd research narcissistic personality disorder and see if he fits, and if so, if that's someone you really want to get involved with.

[missmarple]

I don't think he's a narcissist. I did read a bit about that disorder and, apparently, narcissists expect constant attention and admiration. He's not like that. I've pointed things that he does wrong (in my opinion) and he didn't seem to mind. I certainly don't behave as if I admire him....he's paid me way more compliments than I have him. He did talk a lot about himself during the date and asked very little about me but, after the date, he asked more and talked less. If he has some disorder (which is quite possible), it must be something else.

 

By the way, there's a new guy I talked to last night. Dan is 48, a teacher like me, divorced with 2 kids who live abroad with their mother, good-looking, easy to talk to and laughs a lot. The only problem is he lives 2 hours away. However, he has a house in my town and could come over here every weekend (he told me he did for his last relationship). He wants a serious relationship and seems genuine. We also exchanged phone numbers (he gave me his home number, too) and talked for a while. He said he's coming here this weekend, not for me, he has some stuff to do but we could meet if I want to. I'm definitely interested in meeting him. I don't know about the distance thing for now, I'll think about it if/when we meet and we find there's a possibility of a relationship there.

[missmarple]

Phil sent me a good morning text and when I answered, he called me. We talked for a few minutes but I could hear he was talking to someone online (you know the skype sound so I cut the call short.

 

More interesting news is that Dan called me this morning, too, we talked for half an hour (we talk really effortlessly) and he made plans to talk tonight, too. He told me about an accident he had had, about his (our) job, his students and so on..and made my day as he's a very pleasant and lively person, at least on the phone.

[missmarple]

This was interesting...not.

New guy that I'd talked to 3 times. John, 50, single, has a company, loves animals, great sense of humour, wanted to meet me. Things should be ideal..except that dear John only had one pic up...not a bad pic but a very dark one and wearing dark glasses, too. So, today, we went to Skype, we showed each other pics of our cats, we talked for a while (nice voice, too) and then he suggested to meet again. I said I'd like that but I want to see a pic first..or we can both go on cam. He wanted neither.

I tried to understand what was the problem (if he was new on the internet, shy, whatever) until he said 'look...this is how things are: if you want to see me, you'll see me in person only..I'm not going to send a pic or go on cam period'...and, of course, I said 'thanks for the chats, have a good life'

[annie24]

That's suspicious.

[missmarple]

This morning I was at work, bored, so I texted both Phil and Dan goodmorning.

Phil called me in 5 minutes. He was on the road but we talked for a few minutes.

Dan texted me a few minutes later, apparently I had woken him up...lol. We texted back and forth for a while.

[missmarple]

Dan called me a while ago and made plans to talk on Skype tonight.

 

Phil messaged me on the site and we had an interesting conversation.

He was full of compliments again (frankly, I can't remember the last time someone was complimenting me so much)..then he goes 'I have this big problem', I said 'what', he said 'I like you very much and I can't understand why'. I said well, there must be some reason. He said well, you are very sweet and pretty, I said then it makes sense..and he said but you're cold with me and you seem not to trust me. I didn't answer because I didn't know what to say. I don't think I'm cold with him...guarded I am and, indeed, I don't trust him.

Then, after some more compliments, we talked a bit about relationships in general. He said he believes in love, respect and understanding blah blah, that he never has sex with a woman if he's not in love with her, and then he asked me if my ex husband had cheated on me. I said yes but it wasn't why we got divorced and he said don't say anything else, I've learned what I needed to know...the rest I'll find out myself. No idea what he meant but I'm getting used to it..lol

In general, it was a nice chat, I felt less uncomfortable than usual.

[annie24]

Phil's a nut. Of course you are reserved, you've only been on one date with him!!

 

Lol, can't believe Harry was bath guy. Good riddance.

[missmarple]

Bill, the photo guy, just called me. He still hasn't moved into his place or so he said. Anyway, he asked if I want to meet tomorrow but he's not sure of the time because he has a photo shoot in the morning. Finally, we agreed that he'll call me early in the afternoon to let me know the time.

I'm not enthusiastic but I am curious to see if he really is 50..lol...again, he sounded older to me!

[missmarple]

Dan and I had a long chat last night. He asked me if I'm seeing anyone else, so, I had to tell him about Phil. I was very honest and it was also a bit of a test to see how he'd react. He reacted the way I would have, too. He asked a few questions, he didn't seem annoyed at the least and he just asked if I've made any plans with Phil for the weekend. I told him I haven't...my only weekend plan is Saturday night with friends (an outing planned for days). So, he said he's coming here tomorrow, he'll stay until Sunday afternoon and asked me when would it be convenient for me to meet and we made a date for tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to it, I have a good feeling about him.

 

I called Bill this morning and cancelled the date for today. I told him a little white lie (that I'm a little sick) but the real reason is that with Dan and Phil in the picture, I just can't deal with someone else right now. He was fine about it, he said he'll call me in the afternoon to see how I'm feeling.

[missmarple]

One more chat with Phil. This time he mentioned that the last girl he'd been talking to is history since he met me. He didn't ask whether I feel the same or if I talk to others or date others or anything. He's either too sure of himself or doesn't care as much as he says. It's Thursday and he hasn't mentioned another date..but when I said I'm going to buy a new dress, he asked me to take a pic in it. Pfffft, I'll give him until Sunday. If by then he hasn't asked me out on a second date, it's bye bye Phil.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't have told Dan you are seeing anyone else. You've only met Phil once in person and you don't have another date planned. It's not his business anyway but surely he should assume you're meeting other people from the site?

[missmarple]

Well, I didn't plan on telling Dan, it was just how the conversation turned. We were exchanging funny stories from people we've met from that site and I told him about Harry and I finished with 'that's how my last date went..no, wait, that was the one before last'. So, he asked how the last date went and if I'm still seeing the guy I met last so I told him a few things about Phil. Since I'm still in contact with him, I didn't want to lie and say something like 'and I'll never see him again' or 'it's none of your business', he's very open and friendly himself. The whole Phil convo lasted less than 3 minutes.

 

Speaking of Phil, my best friend thinks he may be married or in a relationship. The reason being that he only contacts me during the morning/afternoon, when he's at work. The only times we've talked in the evening was the night before we met (Saturday) and the night on which we met (Sunday). Nothing since then. She told me to ask for his home number but, for now, I don't find that important. He called me again this morning, no mention of a date, just talked about how our day was going. I'm thinking that IF he asks me to go out again (until Sunday), and I find him different in person than I did the last time, then, I'll ask for his number and take it from there. If he doesn't, he'll be getting an email Monday morning

 

I also talked with Dan, he'll be travelling this afternoon and we'll meet almost as soon as he arrives here. I'm excited

[missmarple]

The date with Dan was interesting. First of all, he's better looking than he seemed on cam. He's 6'2, well-built, great smile. We went to a restaurant, he had dinner (and 3 bottles of beer), I had coffee (I had had a big lunch and didn't feel like eating at all). He tried to convince me to order something else but I was fine with coffee (guess I'm a cheap date He was very easy to talk to, conversation flowed. Lots of laughter and no awkwardness whatsoever.

Except when Phil texted me....this guy doesn't text or call after 4pm for 5 days and he goes and does it when I'm on a date! He sent a text saying 'how is the baby doing?' (Dan couldn't see it from where he was sitting or God knows what he'd have thought), I texted back because I couldn't shut my phone down (my mum is sick) and I definitely didn't want him to call me. So I just said 'I'm not at home', he replied 'good for you..have fun' and that was all.

With Dan we talked about everything, from our love life (or lack of it) to our job (naturally), his life in his town, a bit about ex relationships, food, diets...everything, really! We have many things in common.

By the end of the date he said he wants to see me again and asked me if I'm up for meeting on Sunday as I have plans for tomorrow. He was supposed to be travelling on Sunday but he said he can leave Monday morning...so, I agreed and we have another date for Sunday.

What I didn't like was when he was talking about a girl he had met before and he said something like 'when I first saw her, I didn't go wow, she was ok looking and someone I didn't mind being next to...kinda like you'. That took me by surprise and not in a nice way. I said 'gee, thank you', he didn't notice my annoyance (I guess) and just continued talking.

He did give me one compliment, he said when I smile, my face lights up and that was nice but, in 3 hours, I'd have appreciated something more than what he said in the end when he said he wants to meet me again 'well, I like what I see and I had a good time so, I'd like to see you again'.

I realise that it was just a first date and we will meet again and I'm not even the type of person who feeds on compliments but, I don't know, I'd have liked to have been called something more than 'ok looking'. Or maybe Phil and his compliments have spoiled me.

[missmarple]

Bill (photo guy) called me last night to find out if I was feeling better...I felt bad that I had lied to him but it was better than the alternative.

 

Dan called me this morning at about 9.30 but I was sleeping and had my phone off so, no idea if he wanted something or just called to hear my lovely voice I sent him a good morning text when I woke up.

[missmarple]

Ok, now, I'm getting annoyed.

Dan called me. Apparently some plans he had fell through and he wanted to meet tonight, too. So far so good. It's flattering that he wants to see me again before our date tomorrow. However, he knows I have made plans for tonight. My plans are for 10pm for a restaurant with friends. I told him that maybe we can meet before for a cup of coffee or something so, I suggested to meet around 8. But he suggested to meet either now (which is out of the question) or at 3pm because he may meet a friend of his later.

I told him that I can't go out at 3pm, come back home at around 6 and get ready to go out at 10...I just can't (and, frankly, I don't see why I should be out all day just because he has plans and when we already have plans for tomorrow). He didn't like it when I said I can't stay out all day, he said something like 'big deal'.

In the end, I told him to talk to his friend, learn the exact time they're going to meet and call me again.

But, overall, I didn't like this.

[missmarple]

Phil messaged me his usual good morning and we talked a bit back and forth. He said he's doing housework and asked how my cat is doing

[FreedomRing]

Interesting read

 

I, too, would be bothered by Dan's insensitive comment. Seemed rather dense to say...and rather arrogant. When I used to date, I tended to get along with men who were not stingy with complimenting me. Didn't have to be overload, but especially during a first meet/date, I expected positive unprompted feedback at some point during the date. Back to Dan-I'm all for some spontaneity but his whole disregard for your previously made plans, 'come hang with me now' attitude points back to that air of arrogance to me. I dunno, I get the feeling he is used to being the pursued or getting his way with women..blah.

 

Phil seems like the type of guy who is goofy, unfiltered....and the guy who could grow on you...lol.