Online Dating - A Woman's Journal

[missmarple]

I deleted Paul (the 54yo) from my list. My last email to him was 3 days ago, asking why his profile suddenly said 'living with a roommate'..and he never answered, even though he'd been online. So, I decided I don't need this and deleted him. I saw he's looked at my profile today but didn't email me or anything. Who knows, maybe he's still married. Oh, well.

[missmarple]

Well, today Paul sent me a new friend request. I emailed him (on the site) saying the reason I had deleted him was that he had never answered me about the roommate thing. He replied:

 

Yes, I live with a roommate..it's my mother who, after my divorce, insists on taking care of me...haha

 

I emailed back that something doesn't sit well with me and he said give me a chance to talk to you again and you can ask anything you want.

So, I accepted his request and we'll see what happens.

[missmarple]

UPDATE:

Paul and I are meeting tonight.

We talked a lot, we also exchanged phone numbers and talked on the phone. Apparently, he works a lot, doesn't live with his mum, she's just visiting, he offered to fax me his divorce papers because I was very sceptical, he also gave me his home address.

Eventually, we agreed on meeting tonight and see if there's something there to pursue.

At least he's not afraid of the rain...it's raining cats and dogs today

[missmarple]

Well, I should have listened to my instinct.

Paul stood me up. He didn't call, he didn't text...nothing. I called him when he was 5 minutes late (and I was waiting under the rain)...he didn't pick it up. I called again 10 minutes later..same thing. So, I came back home, in a really bad mood and I'm thinking if I should send him an email to tell him where to go or just block him

[quirky]

I'm not surprised from what you wrote, he sounded dodgy. What a jerk. Do whatever you want dudette, it will fall on deaf ears though, I tell ya.

[annie24]

UPDATE:

Paul and I are meeting tonight.

We talked a lot, we also exchanged phone numbers and talked on the phone. Apparently, he works a lot, doesn't live with his mum, she's just visiting, he offered to fax me his divorce papers because I was very sceptical, he also gave me his home address.

Eventually, we agreed on meeting tonight and see if there's something there to pursue.

At least he's not afraid of the rain...it's raining cats and dogs today

 

Did you hear anything at all from him? Maybe he had a hard time finding parking?? (best case scenario?)

 

I wouldn't even reply. Just block. No need to engage anymore or waste any precious time or thought on guys like this.

[Batya33]

Did you hear anything at all from him? Maybe he had a hard time finding parking?? (best case scenario?)

 

I wouldn't even reply. Just block. No need to engage anymore or waste any precious time or thought on guys like this.

 

Completely agree-what a jerky thing to do!

[missmarple]

Did you hear anything at all from him? Maybe he had a hard time finding parking?? (best case scenario?)

 

I wouldn't even reply. Just block. No need to engage anymore or waste any precious time or thought on guys like this.

 

I haven't heard anything and I imagine he's not still looking for parking 5 hours later..lol

I've no idea what happened to him but unless he's in a coma, there's no excuse.

[annie24]

if he is still married, then it's possible the wife came home early, or changed her plans (maybe she was going to go out with friends, but then changed her mind)? I've often heard that 30% of people on online dating sites are not actually single. i think it could be what happens when someone seems enthusiastic, but then suddenly disappears....

[missmarple]

I don't care much about Paul..I mean I care just because he stood me up but it's not like I was that into him. It will be very easy to block him..which I would have but I got talking to some other guy, let's call him Greg. I had talked to him a couple times before Christmas and he seemed pretty cool. He's 46, divorced, has a 13yo son who lives with mum and he's the owner of a computer store. Tonight we talked more and finally exchanged phone numbers and talked on the phone for...2 hours

He's very, very funny, I was in stitches for most of that time but we also talked about serious stuff. He's not exactly my type looks wise (he's tall, dark hair and eyes and nice body and some may find him good looking but he doesn't have the sweet face that I usually like in men) but personality wise he definitely is.

The only thing about him that makes me sceptical is that he recently ended a 1yo relationship (a couple months ago) and it wasn't exactly a clean break..for example, he told me that they sometimes still talk on f/b and that they never actually said 'we're breaking up'. She just came back from holidays and started ignoring him some time in October and they had a fight and didn't meet again. It sounded a bit confusing, especially the part about them still talking from time to time.

Anyway, it was a lovely chat and, together with Tony (who I haven't heard from since Christmas day), he's the one I plan on meeting next..if he asks.

 

PS He's a Leo (I always have chemistry with them) and very much into astrology which is a bonus.

PS2 He has a very sexy voice

[annie24]

what about george???

[calichick007]

Haha I've noticed you get into a lot of arguments with these guys! Are you a bit stubborn or has it just been bad luck with guys who are idiots?

 

I don't think I've gotten into any arguments with women I've dated until after we've made things official!

 

I was just about to ask this. Lazy night tonight, so I read the thread in a single sitting... OP, getting into arguments with guys -- a lot of whom you haven't even met in person yet -- seems to be a recurring theme with you. I understand having your own beliefs and sticking to them, but I'd be shocked if it were coincidental that you seem to have this issue so very frequently.

[missmarple]

what about george???

 

Well, dear George hasn't contacted me at all after our date, 6 days ago, not even to wish me Merry Christmas. Of course, he could have been busy with his kids etc but I don't really expect to hear from him at this point and it's fine since I wasn't interested either.

However, remembering how he behaved at the date (seemed so much into me), I wonder if it was my instinct that made me feel something 'fake' on him and that's why I didn't feel any chemistry. It's the first time someone treats me like that during a date and then I don't hear from him again!

[missmarple]

OP, getting into arguments with guys -- a lot of whom you haven't even met in person yet -- seems to be a recurring theme with you. I understand having your own beliefs and sticking to them, but I'd be shocked if it were coincidental that you seem to have this issue so very frequently.

 

Well, it's not like I go out of my way to argue with them and I don't argue with all of them. For example, I never argued with George or with Tony or with Greg last night. Also, I talk to many guys that I don't mention here because, for different reasons, our communication doesn't go beyond a few chats.

Regarding the ones I did argue with...well, every case has to be examined on its own.

A few examples off the top of my head:

How could I not argue with Dan who asked me to bring my friend to meet his married friend?

How could I not argue with J (in the beginning of my thread) when he was flirting with me and told my friend I'm too old for him?

How could I not argue with that guy from the past who had told me teachers are responsible for everything kids do when I'm a teacher myself?

How could I not argue with Phil who had said I'm neurotic because I smoke and all teachers have psychological problems?

How could I not argue with Paul when, all of a sudden, his profile says 'living with a roommate' and he disappears and doesn't even answer my question about the said roommate?

 

There are many more similar cases.

I chat to men before I meet them. If, during our chat, they say something absurd or something that finds me totally opposite, I won't just shut up so I can get a date with someone whose views are obviously different to mine. The same goes after I meet them.

In a few words, if I'm to have a relationship, it will be with a guy I'm compatible with, not with someone and then have to bite my tongue when he's around me....and many men appreciate that. Others don't..but the ones who don't, are the wrong men for me anyway.

[missmarple]

I saw George had been online on the site 2 days ago so, I deleted him from my list. If he could be online, he could have contacted me, too. Good riddance

I also blocked Paul. Finally.

[missmarple]

Tony reappeared. I saw him on the site, I said hello, we started talking, then the site got stuck (it happens sometimes) so I logged out and he called me.

We talked some more and then he asked if I have any plans for tonight. I had plans with a friend of mine but she had just called and cancelled this morning so I said I don't. He said he's going to look for something for his computer in the afternoon and asked if he could call me around 7 to make plans for later. I suggested a date for tomorrow so he won't have to rush with his shopping but he said it's ok, let's see if he can make it and if not, we meet tomorrow.

I hope he can...I like what I know from this guy

[Batya33]

I can relate to your choice to argue but you don't have to argue or stay silent -you can change the subject in a diplomatic way, smile and simply say "I see. How about we agree to disagree". If someone says something offensive or is lying to you, no need to argue the point - simply decide internally whether it's a dealbreaker and if it is, change the topic and end the night early. No point in being "right" especially with near strangers.

 

I don't think you have to bite your tongue but I'm just saying there might be more of a balance in the alternatives where you feel like you haven't been silenced but yet you've chosen a non-confrontational alternative. For example with Phil who was so opinionated there's no point in arguing -he was just being rude. And you probably already know that someone that opinionated isn't for you and that he's not going to change even if you're excellent at arguing. It's hard to get rid of the "I have to prove my point/have to be right" mindset but it will serve you well in your next long term relationship/marriage that's for sure.

[missmarple]

It's hard to get rid of the "I have to prove my point/have to be right" mindset but it will serve you well in your next long term relationship/marriage that's for sure.

 

That's true but some people just won't give up.

I've tried doing what you suggested in the past (say let's agree to disagree, for example) but when the other person continues the debate, I must either leave (the chat or the cafe) or continue talking...I have left many chats with people when I saw they were very argumentative and never talked to them again.

I did that with almost everyone from the above examples..I mean it's not like I argued with any of them for hours. I said my piece and then stopped talking to them or going out with them...except Paul, who I decided to give a chance to..and we saw what happened...and Phil...and again we saw what happened.

[Batya33]

That's true but some people just won't give up.

I've tried doing what you suggested in the past (say let's agree to disagree, for example) but when the other person continues the debate, I must either leave (the chat or the cafe) or continue talking...I have left many chats with people when I saw they were very argumentative and never talked to them again.

I did that with almost everyone from the above examples..I mean it's not like I argued with any of them for hours. I said my piece and then stopped talking to them or going out with them...except Paul, who I decided to give a chance to..and we saw what happened...and Phil...and again we saw what happened.

 

Yes. And what I would do is end the convo even earlier because it takes 2 to argue and then there's no argument - I wouldn't say your piece to a near stranger or to someone you already see isn't compatible -and if you feel you must ask yourself why you so badly need to be "right" or try to get the other person to see how wrong he is -is it really worth it?

It doesn't matter if they won't give up since it takes two.

[missmarple]

Yes. And what I would do is end the convo even earlier because it takes 2 to argue and then there's no argument - I wouldn't say your piece to a near stranger or to someone you already see isn't compatible -and if you feel you must ask yourself why you so badly need to be "right" or try to get the other person to see how wrong he is -is it really worth it?

It doesn't matter if they won't give up since it takes two.

 

Well, what could I have done different in Dan's case, for example? When he sent me that sms saying 'let's introduce your friend to my married friend'? Stop answering? Block him at once? I didn't need to be 'right', I needed to tell him that what he did was unacceptable and let's end our acquaintance here...that's what I did..and even when he called me, he was the one talking, I hardly said 10 words.

 

 

Look, I don't argue about stuff like politics or philosophy. If that was the case, then, yes, I would understand the concept of 'having to be right'. But when someone you're interested in and who's supposedly interested in you insults you or your job or says or does something that you find unacceptable, of course you have to say something.

If I've already seen someone isn't compatible, sure, I don't waste my time arguing..I've never done that. It's with guys that, up to that point, things were looking fine that I explain why what they did/said is wrong.

[Cheetarah]

The last guy I went out with told me in so many words that I had trust hangups because I didn't want him or anyone else that I am not serious with to meet my son. I could have argued with him on why he was the one with boundary issues for that, but why would I when it was already evident that we clearly had mismatching values? And he plain out just couldn't have been interested as much as he thought and came up with something, who knows. I pretty much said OK and that was the end of it. He did contact me again but I ignored it.

 

In the past, I WOULD have said something. Girl, I would have driven that point home tirelessly. I figure why bother now. It wasn't going to be something I was ok with.

 

But I used to have a serious problem with control, too. It was my wall, my defensive barrier. I figured if I laid the smack down then I could control the direction that things were headed, which was a self preservation thing I suppose. It didn't even occur to me that maybe I just shouldn't waste my time dishing out the second chances for obviously inappropriate comments/behaviors. I don't know what I was thinking, really. Lol.

 

I'll tell you, I'm a lot more relaxed without that driving need to say my piece. I decided it was enough for me to know how I feel about something. In these cases with these guys, they were all dealbreakers, right? Although if I remember correctly, you were waiting for Phil, the armchair psychiatrist, to call you for another date but he never did. I think that's how it ended. I will say I am surprised it even got that far, but it is your life to do with as you please. If they don't know it's wrong...obviously poor behavior or judgments(wanna be diagnoses, wanting someone for the married friend for example), or maybe they just flat out don't care - is there any real point in saying something about it?

[missmarple]

is there any real point in saying something about it?

 

Well, I try to give the benefit of a doubt when I'm interested in someone and when what he said/did wasn't totally unacceptable (like Dan's case, where I had no desire in even talking about it with him).

For example, with Phil, I had thought maybe he was nervous during the date, that's why I waited for a second one and watched the way he behaved after the date. In J's case, well, I had to tell him why I would stop talking to him..we had been talking for a while and we were supposed to meet when he'd be back in town.

I really can't remember a situation where I insisted on an argument except with that guy from the past with his comment about teachers. There was no way I'd let him get away with that...call it professional sensitivity.

[calichick007]

I certainly didn't suggest that you should shut up just so you can get a date, so not sure where that came from. At any rate, it was merely an observation.

[missmarple]

Well, Tony just called. He can't make it tonight, after all, which is fine as I knew there was that possibility.What annoyed me was that he didn't make any plans for tomorrow (although he had said we would if we didn't meet tonight), he just said 'I'll call you tomorrow and we'll see'.

Not sure what to do. I like the guy but it seems like he's not that interested...either that or he's not a planner..neither one good for me.

[IAmFCA]

I feel like you are attracting men who are not up to your standards/value/worth. Does it seems that way to you? I know OLD is like that, in general, but I feel there could be something better in your profile your approach or something.

 

Over the last several years, the men I have found on line steadily increased in quality, but I don't know what I am doing differently, though I am 360 degrees healthier myself. I wish I could offer suggestions how to weed out these unreliable drama kings.