Online Dating - A Woman's Journal

[missmarple]

Dan texted, he's meeting his friend at 9pm at a place that's like 1 hour from where I live. I texted back that apparently we can't meet tonight as my date is for 10pm unless he can make his date for later (I can't, we have reservations). He said he can't, so, I said 'ok, no problem...have fun and call me tomorrow morning when you get some free time (he has to do some work stuff) to arrange a time and place for the evening...kisses. He never responded to that text and I got the feeling he was annoyed that I didn't bend over backwards to meet him

[missmarple]

Phil seems like the type of guy who is goofy, unfiltered....and the guy who could grow on you...lol.

 

Phil has grown on me, indeed, but I'm not going to wait around until he decides to ask me out again. We had gone out last Sunday and ok, I know he works long hours during the week and he knows I have plans for tonight..he could have asked me to meet tomorrow but he hasn't...and not only that but he hasn't even mentioned the possibility of another date.

[missmarple]

Dan finally called and we talked for a while. Obviously we see some things from a different point of view. He told me that because he's only here for the weekend, he wanted to meet me as much as he could (of course, it's not my fault that a/I had plans even before I started talking to him and b/he's meeting his friend at 9!) I told him that I don't understand the rush since he'll be coming back next Friday (not for me, it was already planned) and he'll be here until January 6. We'll have plenty of time to get to know each other. Then we got into a new argument about tomorrow. He had planned on meeting me at around 2pm and then spend the afternoon/evening together. I had planned on a coffee or a drink for a couple of hours in the evening. Finally we settled for around 7, which is still early for me but I didn't want to keep saying no.

One thing I can already tell about him is that he's the demanding type. Or the needy type. Or he fell crazily in love with me and can't wait to see me again (that was a joke

[IAmFCA]

I am so done with Dan. I mean, I feel like he has little respect for others or that he violates boundaries as a matter of course. For me, I wouldn't engage further, even though conversation is so fun. I just don't trust him.

[missmarple]

Some things about Dan. According to what he said, he's very sensitive and loving and many women have used him in the past. His last 3 relationships (all after the divorce) all ended on bad terms..naturally, he says it was the women's fault. I think it was his fault, too. From what he said, he jumped in all 3 very fast..2 of those women had gone to his town and lived with him...one of those 2 he had only met for a weekend before she moved in! He's definitely looking for a relationship, I know his type. I'm also looking for a relationship but I can't rush myself. There are many things about him that I like but if he keeps pushing, nothing good is coming to come from this.

[Batya33]

Phil messaged me his usual good morning and we talked a bit back and forth. He said he's doing housework and asked how my cat is doing

 

I would stop being available to Phil as a chat buddy since he is not putting in the effort to ask you out (and even if he is working he could make advance plans). Dan -bunch of red flags -I encountered a few men like that through dating sites - if he's like this now.....

[missmarple]

Well, from Monday, I'll stop being available to Phil period. As for Dan, I don't know what to think yet.

[NorthDallas40]

Speaking as a guy who is younger than Dan - who, as the elder, should be wiser than me - there's no way I'd be acting as pushy as he is.

 

Sure I might want to see you 3 days instead of just 2 in his situation. But if you already had plans set for a certain day, I'd simply say "cool - have fun and see you Sunday!" if only to keep from appearing like a clingy & needy loser.

 

And getting into an argument before your 2nd date... ABOUT said date? Unless YOU were being extremely difficult (which I assume you weren't), there's no way I'd let a slight disagreement about plans escalate into something you could describe as an argument this early into getting to know someone.

 

Finally, this dude is so non-self-aware as to be laughable. He tells you how he rushed into his last three relationships... while blatantly trying to rush into one with you? WOW. I wish I could sit him down and tell him "SUCH A BAD LOOK, BRO. CHILL."

 

And to be honest, if you plan on seeing this guy further I think you should make it clear to him (diplomatically and non-judgmentally of course) what you think are acceptable and unacceptable boundaries so he doesn't continue this behavior. His reaction should tell you all you need to know. And if you're reluctant to bring it up because you're afraid of how he might react, that should tell you even more.

 

Nevertheless, good luck on the date tomorrow - I know how it is to want to give questionable prospects a 2nd chance!

[missmarple]

And getting into an argument before your 2nd date... ABOUT said date? Unless YOU were being extremely difficult (which I assume you weren't), there's no way I'd let a slight disagreement about plans escalate into something you could describe as an argument this early into getting to know someone.!

 

I really wasn't being difficult. I was surprised that someone who I've only been on one date with thought that I'd like to spend hours and hours with him...without knowing anything about my life, without asking if I can be with him from 2pm until, say, 10, if I have something else to do early in the afternoon etc. Still, exactly because I didn't want to come accross as difficult, I agreed on 7pm...because when I said 8, he complained that it wasn't enough time, especially when I told him that it will be until 10, at the latest. I thought 2 hours were enough, he obviously didn't.

 

 

And to be honest, if you plan on seeing this guy further I think you should make it clear to him (diplomatically and non-judgmentally of course) what you think are acceptable and unacceptable boundaries so he doesn't continue this behavior. His reaction should tell you all you need to know. And if you're reluctant to bring it up because you're afraid of how he might react, that should tell you even more.!

 

Oh, trust me, I will bring it up. I'm not the type who hesitates about saying stuff...actually, when I feel hesitant about saying something, I make a point of saying it because I know that if you don't nip something in the bud, it won't get better..it will get worse. Besides, I know myself and I know that I don't do well under pressure..and I've already felt pressure from him..which I shouldn't have, not this early on. If he's really as needy/demanding as he seemed to me today, it won't work between us, anyway, so, better to know from the beginning.

[missmarple]

I forgot to mention I talked to a good friend of mine about Dan. He's into astrology (so am I but in this case I don't know why I hadn't made the connection) and he said 'well, what did you expect? he's a Cancer and you're an Aquarius...ruuuuun'. He exaggerates but truth be told, I've only been with a Cancer once before and it didn't end well, I always felt like I was the insensitive one and he always whined..after I left him, he kept pursuing me for over 3 months

[browneyedgirl36]

All the things in red bold above are major screaming red flags.

 

I agree, I don't think any good is going to come of this.

 

Reading your posts -- and others of women our age (I am 43, so we're just about the same age), just confirms for me that anyone (guy OR gal) who wants to rush things along is not promising as a relationship prospect. First of all, why the rush? Once we get past a certain age, babies aren't an option anymore (I mean technically, I COULD still have one, but I have no plans whatsoever to do so), so there's no "biological clock" ticking or whatever. Perhaps more concerning, though, is that rushing things creates, as another poster said, a false sense of intimacy that makes one or both of the people *feel* as though some really deep connection has been forged with a complete stranger. Again, why the rush? It doesn't point to anything good, that's for sure. What it points to is neediness, insecurity, desperation, and getting into a relationship for the wrong reasons overall.

 

I think I'd give this Dan guy the boot. He barely knows you, and he's all hurt that you won't totally alter your plans for him tonight, particularly as you'll be seeing him tomorrow? Nope. This guy's not a keeper.

[missmarple]

You're not going to believe what happened. I still don't.

 

Tonight I went out with my friends. I came back home at midnight. A little after, I got a text message by Dan...and this is how the text conversation went:

D: Are you dancing?

mm: No, I just got home. You?

D: I've been drinking with my friend. If you were nearer, I'd come over.

mm: My dad would be thrilled. Anyway, have fun.

 

10 minutes later

 

D: We're still drinking. My friend says how about we meet all together tomorrow and you bring your friend along? (I had told him a bit about my best friend yesterday..she's divorced, too)...And get out of the site! (the dating site)

mm: I'm not on the site. Which of your friends do you mean? The married one? (he had told me his best friend is married)

D: My best friend. I was kidding about the site!

mm: Haven't you told me your best friend is married?

D: Will your friend mind?

mm: I mind. What am I supposed to tell her? Come with us and I'll introduce you to a married man???

D: Married men are people, too!

mm: If you're joking, I don't like it at all.

D: Let's just hang out all together and whatever happens, happens.

D: ?? (I was too mad to answer and was trying to compose myself)

 

Finally, I sent this:

mm: I had a different opinion about you. Obviously, you had a different opinion about me, too. Good luck and, please, let's end it here.

 

Then, he called me. He said don't get mad, I'm just here with my friend and we've had some beers and we were joking around but you took it seriously.

I told him I couldn't care less, I don't want to ever see you or even talk to you again.

He asked if something happened tonight and I was in a bad mood, I said nope, I just don't want to continue this and, please, let it go.

He said ok, then, goodbye, I said goodbye and that was that. And I hope I never hear from him again.

 

I'm still shocked. It was the last thing I expected from him.

[NorthDallas40]

So when's your next date with Dan?

[missmarple]

Never.

The funny thing is he was supposed to be sensitive and stuff

[annie24]

The problem with texting is that you can't tell if someone is joking or not, especially because you don't really know him.

[Batya33]

He might have been joking although I agree it's not really a funny joke. Sounds like you were looking for an easier way out (I don't blame you -too many red flags).

[browneyedgirl36]

Even if he was joking -- I don't think he was -- he's still a weirdo. Good riddance to that one.

[missmarple]

He wasn't joking. If I hadn't met him in person, I MIGHT believe that he was joking..but I did meet him and that's not his style at all. Besides, if he was actually joking, when I told him that 'if you're joking, I don't like it', he would have stopped it...but he didn't...not until I told him we're over.

Also, even if he was joking (I give that a 1% chance), how and when did we become so close that he can joke about his married friend to me..after midnight? I would never dream of texting someone I've only met once at 12.30am just to joke around.

 

Batya, no, that's really not it. I would have done the same even if there were no red flags. I did like him and we had clicked in person, I was only concerned about his neediness. THAT I could talk about with him. But a guy who's known me for a week, texting me after midnight to ask me to introduce women to his married friend? When I wouldn't even feel comfortable to text him at night? Joke or no joke, it shows that we are very different people. I expect a guy who's known me for so little to be polite and keep his distance (as I do mine) until we are both comfortable with each other. Had we been close friends or an item, I wouldn't give up on him...I would try to talk about it, see if he was joking, explain why I didn't like it etc...but, as things are (were) between us...no, that was just too much for me.

[missmarple]

Phil messaged me 'good morning, dear, I'm bored out of my mind, how are you?' I said I'm doing my nails and browsing the net. He didn't answer and I saw him on the site half an hour later..he logged in, obviously saw me, logged out. I guess he didn't find the one he was looking for..lol

 

I'll thoroughly enjoy sending him that email tomorrow.

[FreedomRing]

Wow Dan showed his a$$ huh! Def kick Phil to the curb- I didn't know he hadn't asked you out again. Ugh, hated those kind of 'dead end text buddies'. Do you think he could be refraining from asking you out again bc he thinks you wouldn't be interested in him on a serious level?

[missmarple]

Do you think he could be refraining from asking you out again bc he thinks you wouldn't be interested in him on a serious level?

 

I did wonder about it but he could have asked. He never even asked what I had thought of him or if I wanted to see him again. And when it's someone who has already told you that the last 4 women he had gone out with (all from the site) had all asked him to go out again but he didn't because he didn't like any of them, I certainly wouldn't do the same. I think Phil is either spoiled or he's just not that into me. A good morning text and a few internet chats here and there mean nothing. Besides, it's not like I avoid him. I always reply to his texts (I've sent a couple good morning texts myself) and to him when he messages me online.

I definitely could have made more of an effort with him - I never reciprocated his compliments (except once when I told him he has great eyes) or his I like you's but I was, and still am, ambivalent about him. My only decision regarding him was to go on a second date, if he asked, just to see if anything would be different to the first date. He didn't, so, no need to drag this on any longer. I'm just waiting for Monday so I can tell him 'it's been a week' and be accurate

[missmarple]

Dan just called.

First of all, he jumped on me saying some stupid things like 'I knew Aquarians have a bad temper because my dad was one, too, and I waited for you to get angry at some point..and you did'. Then he said that it was just a joke, that I overreacted, that I made a terrible mistake, that he was just sitting there with his friend and he was telling him about me and they thought 'let's make a joke'. I tried to tell him that, if that was the case, why didn't he stop when I told him I'm not amused but he wouldn't even listen to me. He went on and on and on.

When he stopped talking to take a breath, I simply told him 'I don't believe you'..and it started him again. Finally, he said what he had to say (that I don't understand jokes and how could I have thought that he was serious and that he hates this side in people and it's good that I showed him my bad side early on blah blah blah) and I said 'do you have anything else to say?' he said 'no, I just wanted to call you to tell you these things', 'ok', I said, 'bye'. He said bye, too, and I hope this time was the last one.

 

I bet he'll be telling the next girl that the last woman he met had no sense of humour..LOL

[IAmFCA]

The gall!

 

Even that he thought those things, but then to tell you, as if it were constructive, and as if it were the unvarnished TRUTH.

 

Ugh.

[browneyedgirl36]

Wow! This guy has nerve, and he's as transparent as cellophane with all his backpeddling/"protesting too much" about making a "joke" that you obviously were too uptight to get. Please. He was NOT joking, he was 100% dead serious, and he was hoping you'd oblige and help his loser friend try to cheat on his wife. The more he tries to explain it away with the whole "joke" thing and turn it around on you like you have no sense of humor, the more pathetic he looks.

 

You'll probably hear from him again. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but at some point. This guy is just that arrogant. He's probably not done yet.

[NorthDallas40]

Agreed with the above. This guy is breaking every rule on How To Attract & Charm A Woman, let alone How To Interact With Another Human. All he deserves from here on out is complete and utter silence.

 

That said, I'm secretly glad there's so many clueless and insecure narcissists like him on the dating scene... it makes my chances so much better!