Why Don’t Women Ask Men Out ?

[greywolf]

In that circumstance I agree with you -- they need to reevaluate what they're doing if they're never attracting guys they're interested in and should consider pursuing those guys themselves.

 

I just don't understand why a lot of the guys on this thread care what women do. If they refuse to ask guys out and it ends up sabotaging their dating experience, then so be it. They have the right to run their train right off the tracks, but I don't understand what that has to do with me or my dating experience or why I should care as a man.

 

^This. Women can do whatever they want. They are not obligated to please anyone. And if what they choose to do hurts their own chances of meeting a decent guy, then that is their problem and no one else's.

[Ms Darcy]

I know it's hard to meet people, but we REALLY have to get off of this "cold approach" ideal. I meet boyfriends and friends either online or through going to common events. Meetups are great ways to meet friends and get to know them. As you get to know people then you can explore a relationship. It takes a lot of that pressure you feel off.

[PrincessBOT]

I don't think looking pretty is an action - I don't care how much time it takes to "look pretty" - that doesn't count as putting in effort to get to know a man in whom you have interest.

 

Really.... try looking busted and see what type of men or attention if any you get. Now this one there has actually been case studies done on TV, the same women two different appearances...guess which appearances got the attention? Looking pretty is not just God given features, it's being put together, making sure the kind of clothes one wears flatters the type of body one has, wearing proper make up, taking care of your skin with a good skin care regimen, washing the hair so the hair is in the best state for what type hair one has, finger nails, toe nails, wearing a flattering perfume or body spray so that a light breeze of you scent passes the males nostrils....I can go on and on, but you get the picture...

 

Now I am not saying the following is true in every case, but in some cases once women get married they become a little more relaxed with this kind of work because it has done it's job and it is understandable. I am also saying it is the ONLY reason women do this type of work.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think looking pretty is an action either but becoming friends with the opposite sex, inviting them to hang out, flirting, dropping hints ... becoming that great friends with dynamite chemistry. That's a damn good formula.

[greywolf]

Looking pretty is not just God given features, it's being put together, making sure the kind of clothes one wears flatters the type of body one has, wearing proper make up, taking care of your skin with a good skin care regimen, washing the hair so the hair is in the best state for what type hair one has, finger nails, toe nails, wearing a flattering perfume or body spray so that a light breeze of you scent passes the males nostrils....I can go on and on, but you get the picture...

 

Now I am not saying the following is true in every case, but in some cases once women get married they become a little more relaxed with this kind of work because it has done it's job and it is understandable. I am also saying it is the ONLY reason women do this type of work.

 

I've never had to do those things and I still get attention from guys. I don't think that women do those things for guys. They do it for the approval of other women.

[90_hour_sleep]

I've never had to do those things and I still get attention from guys. I don't think that women do those things for guys. They do it for the approval of other women.

 

or self-approval.

[BriarRose]

I've never had to do those things and I still get attention from guys. I don't think that women do those things for guys. They do it for the approval of other women.

 

I agree. Men love good-looking women, but they don't have to be high-maintenance good looks. But women do not have to ask men out, especially the pretty ones. Just the other night I was at a restaurant - not a romantic one, just a casual steakhouse - and there was a guy with 2 pretty girls. Clearly, one was flying solo. Within 30 minutes of their arrival, the young restaurant manager sat down with them and started chatting them up, ultimately meeting the pretty solo girl. They did not know them prior, as I could hear them as our table was next to theirs. This young pretty girl did not even have to get up or even open her mouth to be approached. Had she been of average or less than average looks, I do not think this scenerio would have taken place.

[Blue Spiral]

Had she been of average or less than average looks, I do not think this scenerio would have taken place.

 

I definitely agree.

[Batya33]

I agree that it's important to look nice and well put together in order to meet men. I don't think that should be counterbalanced against a man asking out a woman - a woman choosing to look nice to attract a man should be done, if at all, for her own benefit only -it's not something she does to benefit a man the way a man asking out a woman is effort he puts in to dating.

When I reconnected with my husband we made plans last minute to meet for a friendly catch up dinner. I was wearing a plain fitted t-shirt and grey pants -a nice pair of pants but nothing feminine or sexy (I was coming from work). I didn't have my makeup with me that day. I was probably kind of sweaty because it was a really hot day. I didn't care -it wasn't a date and I preferred to meet him that day than wait because we both had busy schedules. He thought I looked great.

[PrincessBOT]

Of course you are right, I just realized I left out the word not above it should have read I am also NOT saying....So that is sentence was reading wrong. I also agree it's not the only reason women do it. I do it often just for me to feel good and the process is relaxing and soothing sometimes and I may have many times really not wanted to be bothered with the attention it bring, so I agree.

[Kishiko]

Because it's the man's job.

[imsuperman]

I'm bowled over when a woman in my age group (say 18-30) that I don't know even says hi to me. It's that rare. I mean I'm not the best-looking guy, but I'm not Rob Schneider-ugly either.

 

I agree with Briar though, as the same has been true in my observations and experiences. The more attractive a woman is the less likely she is to initiate anything. Even if it's just saying hi or smiling. I think the ones that are considered more attractive are able to detach themselves from outcomes in individual instances much more so than other women, or at least give that appearance. They know it doesn't really matter, because if that particular guy doesn't make a move, someone else will.

 

I also agree with what someone else said a while back that SOME (NOT ALL, before I get nuked) women feel like they're giving up their power to "decide" whether to accept a man's advances by initiating, because that means having already shown their hand.

[Batya33]

Of course you are right, I just realized I left out the word not above it should have read I am also NOT saying....So that is sentence was reading wrong. I also agree it's not the only reason women do it. I do it often just for me to feel good and the process is relaxing and soothing sometimes and I may have many times really not wanted to be bothered with the attention it bring, so I agree.

 

What I meant is that a woman putting in hours of primping to attract a man has nothing to do with putting in the effort to get to know someone -that is her choice on what she thinks works with the type of man she wants to attract.

[FathomFear]

Dating rituals have changed quite drastically even over the last 100 years, and I suspect they will look quite different again even 25-50 years from now. I mean, it wasn't all that long ago (historically speaking) where there was no "asking out" at all. Just about all relationships were arranged.

[hexaemeron]

Because it's the man's job.

 

Really now? Writing it smaller doesn't make that any less specious. Is it a woman's job to lay back, get knocked up, and punt out some kids?

[FathomFear]

Really now? Writing it smaller doesn't make that any less specious. Is it a woman's job to lay back, get knocked up, and punt out some kids?

 

No, it's their job to get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich!

 

I'm kidding of course--but one quickly sees how not-so-fun gender expectations become when they don't go in your favour. The real litmus test of standing up for equality is being able to decry these archaic conventions regardless of whether they go in your favour. Unfortunately, it's a litmus test many in this thread would fail.

[hexaemeron]

No, it's their job to get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich!

 

I'm kidding of course--but one quickly sees how not-so-fun gender expectations become when they don't go in your favour. The real litmus test of standing up for equality is being able to decry these archaic conventions regardless of whether they go in your favour. Unfortunately, it's a litmus test many in this thread would fail.

 

Omg I'd love a sandwich right now too. Toasted bun!

[Iakasot]

No, it's their job to get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich!

 

I'm kidding of course--but one quickly sees how not-so-fun gender expectations become when they don't go in your favour. The real litmus test of standing up for equality is being able to decry these archaic conventions regardless of whether they go in your favour. Unfortunately, it's a litmus test many in this thread would fail.

 

In psychology there is a concept called the "Just World Phenomenon", in essence it states that people who are favored by double standards believe the world is fair and equal. I think there's more double standards in society today that favor women and are socially acceptable than vice versa, so I can see why some people would have the attitude that it's fair.

[PrincessBOT]

What I meant is that a woman putting in hours of primping to attract a man has nothing to do with putting in the effort to get to know someone -that is her choice on what she thinks works with the type of man she wants to attract.

 

Unless the woman is going to an event, hours is not required. It is a way of life, like showering and washing hair, in this case make-up is added, coordinating clothing and colors, pleasant smells. I don't think anyone would argue that it is a single woman's best interest to take extra care in these areas, lots of single woman take more care and direct more attention in these areas realizing that their potential mate could be met at any point and time and it would be in her best interest to do her part in making it more likely that she gets his attention. It's not about getting to know them at this point because the opportunity won't come unless they actually meet. However, if it is a situation where they are afforded more time to interact, like in your case,work, school, common activity etc, then perhap not as much care has to be taken in this area. It is because the two people will have that opportunity to get to know each other more and see them many times and many different ways.

 

FYI-Women in church complain about this all the time. The more trendy women getting the man, they don't understand, Men of God are still MEN...(disclaimer, I am in no way saying that women are coming to church and fixing themselves up JUST to meet men). My church actually did a 6 part Marriage prep course one session was this subject on grooming, being aesthetically pleasing approachable etc. Of course since we believe a man finds a wife and we are not dating to just date, it was not appropriate to ask the man out, but instead saying something like "you know I was going to get coffee would you like to come"

[PrincessBOT]

No, it's their job to get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich!

 

I'm kidding of course--but one quickly sees how not-so-fun gender expectations become when they don't go in your favour. The real litmus test of standing up for equality is being able to decry these archaic conventions regardless of whether they go in your favour. Unfortunately, it's a litmus test many in this thread would fail.

 

So I guess the litmus test would pass if we were still in the times when women couldn't vote and were just expected to stay in the house and have kids. Men didn't change these things, women pushed for these rights. So please don't come on hear talking about the litmus test would fail on this thread because women now have some things in their favor, like having a social norm or expectancy that men should ask the women out...

[NightLily]

So I guess the litmus test would pass if we were still in the times when women couldn't vote and were just expected to stay in the house and have kids. Men didn't change these things, women pushed for these rights. So please don't come on hear talking about the litmus test would fail on this thread because women now have some things in their favor, like having a social norm or expectancy that men should ask the women out...

 

I fail to see how this norm of men doing the asking is in the favor of women. Maybe a guy with crippling shyness might see it this way but if all things were equal, women would not be discouraged to do the asking as well. In this case the man is doing the initial picking and the woman only gets to decide yes or no in a pool of the people who her looks impressed.

 

Women will feel sad thinking.. why doesn't anybody show interest in me? Is it because I am too fat or ugly? If the roles were reversed men would not be happy about only getting attention if they have a great jaw line and a body carved out of rock. The most equal case is when there is no bias about who does the asking.

[PrincessBOT]

I fail to see how this norm of men doing the asking is in the favor of women. Maybe a guy with crippling shyness might see it this way but if all things were equal, women would not be discouraged to do the asking as well. In this case the man is doing the initial picking and the woman only gets to decide yes or no in a pool of the people who her looks impressed.

 

Women will feel sad thinking.. why doesn't anybody show interest in me? Is it because I am too fat or ugly? If the roles were reversed men would not be happy about only getting attention if they have a great jaw line and a body carved out of rock. The most equal case is when there is no bias about who does the asking.

 

No, all things are not equal, like I said women not so long ago got the right to vote. Yes, men and women place more value on different things. A guy with crippling shyness has a problem he needs to handle not women because lot of men (who studies have shown think about sex every 60 seconds or at least once a day) will think the women is easy sex. Also, a lot of men will give the woman a chance, but will lose interest fast, especially if there is a woman they do find interesting enough to ask her out.

 

Also, I have seen a couple of "crippling shy" guys flip once they have the attention. The things I talk about come from experience of mine and others that caused me to really look into them. I asked a "crippling shy guy" out. He'd recently lost a huge amount of weight due to a broken leg, to keep the work off he was working out. I didn't know this when I met him. Well my attention and approaching him got me the time of day. Guess what happened, my attention sent his attention into who else can I get and I got dropped for the woman he is now married to and has two kids....Go crippling shy guy who's male instinct still kicked in through all that shyness and directed him to the woman he had to go after, yeah.....BTW he recently contacted me and we talked about it, he was extremely shy, but he still had his ideals of the woman for him and what he wanted he just didn't know how to get it...in other words he's a man and he did what men do, go after what they want.

[greywolf]

Whenever I see that statistic/fact (that no one knows where it came from usually), it still shocks me every time. Who doesn't think about sex every 60 seconds? I don't know why it's used as evidence to show that sex is constantly on a guy's mind. That doesnt' even seem that often to me.

[Batya33]

I fail to see how this norm of men doing the asking is in the favor of women. Maybe a guy with crippling shyness might see it this way but if all things were equal, women would not be discouraged to do the asking as well. In this case the man is doing the initial picking and the woman only gets to decide yes or no in a pool of the people who her looks impressed.

 

Women will feel sad thinking.. why doesn't anybody show interest in me? Is it because I am too fat or ugly? If the roles were reversed men would not be happy about only getting attention if they have a great jaw line and a body carved out of rock. The most equal case is when there is no bias about who does the asking.

 

When I asked men out it wasn't just because they had conventional good looks and from what I remember only one was conventionally "hot" and I was 19 or 20 at the time so I cut myself some slack ;-). And sure in a bar or similar scene the first impression is going to have to do mostly with looks and if the man asks the woman out right when he meets her that's probably the focus but asking out happens in all sorts of situations -including when people already know each other fairly well.

[Sparkly Eyes]

lol, you seem so sure about your theory that you interpret every situation according to that. Maybe the shy guy flipped because he didn't like you for whatever reason and not because you asked him out. Apparently you weren't his ideal. Women get dumped all the time too when they were asked out in the start.

 

In any case, a woman who never asks men out is hurting her chances, it's simple logic. Asking men out gives a woman more chances and more control over who she can go out with.