Why Don’t Women Ask Men Out ?

[Alezia]

I'm going to have to go with BlueMilk's opinion.

 

It takes me a long time to warm up to a man sexually, as I'm not a one night stand individual and don't tend to select my 'targets' purely based on physical appearance. I notice my male friends have no issues in wanting to approach a 'hot girl' at the bar if they have sexual interest. They may be too shy, or desire not to for some other reason but the prime desire is there.

 

Often odds are that the man will be interested in me sexually long before I become interested with him in the same manner. I may initiate contact as a friend by chatting him up in a non-sexual environment (work, school, interest class etc...), or sitting next to him in a group situation (party, restaurant etc...) where sexual chemistry is more prevalent. In terms of strictly dating traditions which you refer to where the girl is wined, dined and fawned over - I've never was put in the situation of liking a guy which I was 'waiting' for to go on a restaurant date.

 

We either hit it off with mutual chemistry and he would ask me out one on one, or we simply connected as friends and remained in group settings. If the guy never gave me any signs of flirting or interest, I would probably just class him in the 'friends' category unconsciously as I wouldn't feel like we connected well on a chemistry standpoint.

 

I did have guys which never really did the initiating to spend one on one time, but in return we never dated either. We just went from friends to bf-gf from interaction in group settings due to the above initiation and along the line sexual interaction came into play. This could take several months, and it doesn't bother me. So while I'm relatively open minded to how I can be pursued, I am not about to ask a guy on a one-on-one dinner date.

[NightLily]

That is like saying just because I am straight I would have a more unbiased view at same sex relationships. I would never make that claim though. Some people of any sexual orientation will give better unbiased opinions but there is no reason it depends on being gay/bi/straight. Also I don't know what brainwashing you are talking about. Perhaps your parents were unaware of some sexist ideals they were teaching but I was never brought up like that. I do expect guys to treat me right, I do expect them to want to impress me (just as is natural for everybody with sexual attraction to somebody), they do pay for my dinner at times and I pay for them as well at times. My parents did also follow some gender rules though but that had more to do with the types of chores and me doing 10x more housework than my brothers due to me being female. I definitely was not favored because I was female.

 

I definitely agree with your second point though. If you have an interest you should go for it. But then, nearly all my relationships have started with no clear pursuer. It was mutually moved along. That seems to be the natural trend for most of my friends as well.

[PrincessBOT]

I purposely put 1 in 1000 to relay that my numbers are exaggerated and done so in order to stress the exception of that situation...As for the bold part of your message, that is almost what I am saying. I would just add that with that dating dynamics(woman asking the man out) a relationship will most likely not be reached as many people on here who have asked the male out have expressed over and over from actual experiences. Furthermore,those type of dating set ups are even less likely to make it to marriage, because most men will not marry no matter what unless they 1005% sure that this is the woman they can see themselves spending the rest of their lives with. They have to feel it in there gut so speak....and you know what if they didn't feel it in their gut to go after that woman, they are most likely not going to marry that woman...Now I challenge any man in here to tell me this is not the their truth and if so why not....

[PrincessBOT]

 

All I'm saying is the whole 'males chasing females' is something a lot more involved and ingrained than simply claiming that we were raised that way - 'I'm a girl so my mommy told me to respect myself' and 'I'm a boy so daddy told me to sow my wild oats and chase women.' /Why/ do you think these things came about in society? Why is it a /global/ thing as opposed to constrained to just one culture?

 

You are stating the obvious, you don't have to go back to Adam and Eve to know that when someone talks about a certain upbringing it is derived from the history of those before them. However, in the end what you still get is that girls and boys are raised in ways that determine how as woman and men they will interact with each other.

[PrincessBOT]

None of this is even close to being factual.

 

There are no hard and steady facts in dating, relationship and love, so yes you have a point. However, it is the way things are

[BlueMilk]

My point isn't that its just in Adam and Eve, my point was that it goes beyond just humans but into mammals, birds, insects and so on. That this is something very integral to our current environment and evolution.

 

Although it did make me curious as one of my main points is that females lose a lot of energy in producing a child, which is why they are so 'reluctant' (...I'm not even sure what the right term is because it is /not/ fawning over the female, the female does have to work to ensure she is desirable enough to be a candidate in the sexual selection race too, just not in the same way.) So how does it work when it is the male of the species that is 'pregnant' instead? The only species I could think of that have male pregnancy is in seahorses and the females still lose more energy in producing an egg - does anyone know of any others?

 

Wow, okay researching seahorses it confirms my thoughts and had me come accross a wonderfully worded principle that basically states what I believe in ('Bateman's Principle'), and true to Bateman's principle: "females almost always invest more energy into producing offspring than males invest, and therefore in most species females are a limiting resource over which the other sex will compete." (Go wikipedia! And upon further reading of his principle, while I don't agree with it fully I do believe that the idea is sound. The part I don't agree with so far is that the principle determines that females cannot be promiscuous - I think they still can be while maintaining the principle's integrity.)

 

ETA: Sorry if I am hijacking the thread! I just find this specific part of 'males chasing females' to be fascinating.

[PrincessBOT]

I have a lot of guy friends, now understanding everyone is different , I have still seen a consistent truth and each and everyone of them had a interest strong enough to go after their wives. I listen to the stories upon storiesof regrets from hurting women that they just "let it happen"with. In other words, they didn't mind spending a few months with the her since she was interested enough to have her friend give him her number, or she was bold enough to ask him out etc. However, when they got married they will tell you from their own mouths they went after their wives. I work with all men and after 5 years I am amazed at the conversations men have about women and I have asked each and everyone that the conversation has gone to this subject, how did you meet your wife. Each and every time the men went after their wives. I can honestly say not 1, not even 1 was the other way around.

 

I think most men will admit, although they prefer the attention and confidence of a woman asking them out and perhaps spending dating time with a woman when the thrill wears off and it's time to continue the day to day and make the compromises they will question true commitment to a woman they did not feel it enough to pursue. I personally would not even give a man that expect a woman to ask him out the time of day because he is being lazy in that area. Think about it men have to work for everything else and will do so to sickness and exhaustion sometimes. They will work for money, or clothes, for cars and work hard. They will take rejections at work and in sport etc , take it and let it make them more motivated to push harder, but can't do something like ask a women out....what is that all about...

 

As a women I can say women are much more likely to think they can make it work even if they don't have that 1000% surety. If a man is even .00001% not sure, he will ride it until he is pushed to take things to another level and will probably even leave before taking a chance based on it may work. Again it stems in part from the man making the conscious selection of the women to begin with...

[Guest]

Women will never make the move, I'm telling you it's in our system, they just don't have the steel bearings we gotta grow. there's the odd occasion but the way the game is set up is the chick has to be asked. Look at it in nature, I always see gulls trying to implant their boobers to get the ladygullers lookin. It's mad true. And of course a man lady bug mounting the lady lady bug--mountage works like a charm--everytime. I think women are also just timid in a way or want to be sure a man has some gut/confidence, but they won't that test of making an approach and asking men hasn't happened.

[timlondon]

Also I don't know what brainwashing you are talking about. Perhaps your parents were unaware of some sexist ideals they were teaching but I was never brought up like that. I do expect guys to treat me right, I do expect them to want to impress me (just as is natural for everybody with sexual attraction to somebody), they do pay for my dinner at times and I pay for them as well at times. My parents did also follow some gender rules though but that had more to do with the types of chores and me doing 10x more housework than my brothers due to me being female. I definitely was not favored because I was female.

 

What you're saying is that you were brought up with a variety of traditional social expectations, including explicitly gender biased ones, but of course that's not brainwashing because it's "normal". You need to have a think about that.

[timlondon]

I'm sure there are plenty of men who marry out of a sense of obligation once they've been going out with someone for a while - with the idea that "you're supposed to marry after (x) years". I also know a couple who got married essentially out of desperation to prop up a relationship. People do weird things. Also, I'm not sure why you're focused on marriage, is that supposed to be the be-all and end-all of relationships? Seems very archaic.

 

 

 

All you're saying is "this is the situation: men have to ask women out. Deal with it." You are being lazy just as much as the man you look down on is. Every time you don't wander over to a guy you like and strike up a conversation, you're pandering to outmoded gender expectations.

 

 

 

What, and women shouldn't have to work?

 

As it happens I'm completely comfortable with speaking to random women so no big problem, but this kind of "treat me right" entitlement really grates on me. If I happen not to notice you, and you don't do anything about it - your loss.

[BriarRose]

I can only offer my personal experiences, and those have been that while men may initially be flattered by being asked out, ultimately they lose interest if they cannot pursue (or don't have to). Therefore, my not asking men out has little to do with my ego, laziness or even shyness. It's that my experiences have shown me it has not turned out well and that they prefer the chase.

 

Just look at some of these threads! "She won't return my phone calls", "she keeps cancelling", "she ignored my texts".....yet they still keep giving it the ole' college try.....

[jonny15]

I personally would not even give a man that expect a woman to ask him out the time of day because he is being lazy in that area.

 

How is he being lazy?

 

If he's lazy, then so are the women for expecting to not have to do anything.

 

 

Think about it men have to work for everything else and will do so to sickness and exhaustion sometimes. They will work for money, or clothes, for cars and work hard. They will take rejections at work and in sport etc , take it and let it make them more motivated to push harder, but can't do something like ask a women out....what is that all about...

 

The rejection from the opposite sex is alot different than being rejected from a job.

 

It's just a totally different thing.

 

 

You clearly have no understanding of men at all.

[NightLily]

What you're saying is that you were brought up with a variety of traditional social expectations, including explicitly gender biased ones, but of course that's not brainwashing because it's "normal". You need to have a think about that.

 

I wasn't saying it is "normal".. where did I say that? I don't however think it is brainwashing.

[Batya33]

I can only offer my personal experiences, and those have been that while men may initially be flattered by being asked out, ultimately they lose interest if they cannot pursue (or don't have to). Therefore, my not asking men out has little to do with my ego, laziness or even shyness. It's that my experiences have shown me it has not turned out well and that they prefer the chase.

 

Just look at some of these threads! "She won't return my phone calls", "she keeps cancelling", "she ignored my texts".....yet they still keep giving it the ole' college try.....

 

My experience as well -both direct and vicarious -but I am sure there are some women who get turned on by being the pursuer or at the very least are willing to take the downside of not having things go the typical way for the benefit of getting to be in the driver's seat when it comes to making and planning dates. Waiting for a phone call can be really stressful! I also find it interesting -anecdotally only - that in certain lesbian relationships one of the women is more of the pursuer. I know of one such couple where one of the women plans to propose to the other next week -they've discussed getting engaged and it is a given that she is the one who is going to do the proposing because that's consistent with her role in the relationship. She has also dated guys but I am not sure how the dynamic worked in those situations.

[jonny15]

I really don't see how it would make any guy feel different when a girl approaches them.

 

I would not feel weird about it, nor would it make me loose interest.

[ProtestTheHero]

You know what happens when you spend all your time theorizing about, analyzing, and complaining about the status quo? You become an expert on the abstract nature of dating expectations, which is nice if you're writing a book or an article and not so great if you actually want a partner.

 

Asking a woman out is literally one of the easiest things in the world to do once you decide you're not going to let her answer rock your world for the next 5 days. If a woman told me she refused to ask guys out I'd tell her she was making a big mistake limiting herself in this way, because even if you're attractive you're still not guaranteed to draw the attention of guys you actually like.

 

You can't control the way other people act. I can't make the slightest impact on how women choose to engage the dating process. The only person I can control is me, and I never choose to forfeit control over my life when being proactive in this area is actually quite easy.

 

Personally, if I like the person I don't care if she makes the move or I do. I just enter into whatever situation knowing that I'm 100% prepared to do the initiating.

[hexaemeron]

On point as always, Pac! ^5

[Batya33]

I really don't see how it would make any guy feel different when a girl approaches them.

 

I would not feel weird about it, nor would it make me loose interest.

 

In my experience the reactions men have told me about range from feeling turned off to vaguely knocking the wind out of their sails and decreasing their motivation to get to know the woman for a romantic relationship. I've also heard several reactions of being very flattered but the result typically is that that is not the woman the guy chooses to be seriously involved with. That's great that you would feel comfortable if a woman asked you out. Hopefully there are many more men like you out there - would have made my dating life less stressful if there had been since I had no real issue doing the asking.

[jonny15]

In my experience the reactions men have told me about range from feeling turned off to vaguely knocking the wind out of their sails and decreasing their motivation to get to know the woman for a romantic relationship. I've also heard several reactions of being very flattered but the result typically is that that is not the woman the guy chooses to be seriously involved with. That's great that you would feel comfortable if a woman asked you out. Hopefully there are many more men like you out there - would have made my dating life less stressful if there had been since I had no real issue doing the asking.

 

I think guys who have a problem with it most likely have some masculinity issues.

 

There is no reason for them to have a problem with it.

 

Those guys probably think that a woman should know her place. I.E Shut up and look pretty, an let them guide them.

 

I just don't get why a man would have a problem with it.

 

They could always say no if they don't like the girl.

 

Granted, i've never had it happen, but it would without a deal take alot of the stress and pressure out of the situation.

[bostonbruins44]

What is your definition of going after a woman ?Does it strictly involve taking the plunge and asking her out?Many shy men aren't that bold .They will converse with a woman for awhile [maybe over a period of weeks ] and guage her interest on the time they interact . Do you consider putting in the time to converse and get to know her as ''going after her ''? Sometimes it is pretty obvious after a few conversations that a woman isn't interested so why ask her out? Shouldn't the woman give the guy the confidence to ask her out?If the guy is shy it will take more effort on the woman's part but is it not worth it ,to be with a guy ,you are interested in .

[Batya33]

I think guys who have a problem with it most likely have some masculinity issues.

 

There is no reason for them to have a problem with it.

 

Those guys probably think that a woman should know her place. I.E Shut up and look pretty, an let them guide them.

 

I just don't get why a man would have a problem with it.

 

They could always say no if they don't like the girl.

 

Granted, i've never had it happen, but it would without a deal take alot of the stress and pressure out of the situation.

 

None of the men I knew had issues like that. I am sure some do, just like some women have analogous issues.

[Ms Darcy]

Also, I'm not sure why you're focused on marriage, is that supposed to be the be-all and end-all of relationships? Seems very archaic.

 

I actually think this is what it boils down to for many of the women (not all) that you are talking with in this discussion. What is "our" end goal? Marriage. Marriage with a partner we can trust to be reliable, give us security, be financially responsible, and faithful. For many women there are "litmus tests" that show her a man is a good mate:

 

-initially pursuing her (of course it gets more even as the relationship becomes exclusive)

-exclusivity

-faithfulness/fidelity

-trustworthiness

-increasing commitment with time etc

 

I have noticed that guys who want marriage, or a long term relationship with particularly with a specific woman, have NO problem giving her that. In turn, of course she gives him what he needs - kindness, affection, attention, faithfulness, equal effort in the relationship.

 

But if you are a guy who isn't interested in a relationship and possibly marriage, if you are looking for a good time, then I can see how asking girls out can be annoying.

 

Don't get me wrong here ... I think asking to hang out initially can go both ways. But I would prefer the guy to take it to the relationship level.

[Batya33]

If I hadn't had the goal of marriage and family I would have spent a lot less time -next to no time -dating and looking to date - I had fun dating people casually (as long as the purpose was to see if we should be exclusive) and at certain points between serious relationships had fun dating just to date, but I would never have spent that amount of time dating and in relationships if marriage/family had not been my goal. I can't relate to marriage being described as "archaic" or having marriage/family as a goal being described that way.

[Alezia]

What is your definition of going after a woman ?Does it strictly involve taking the plunge and asking her out?Many shy men aren't that bold .They will converse with a woman for awhile [maybe over a period of weeks ] and guage her interest on the time they interact . Do you consider putting in the time to converse and get to know her as ''going after her ''? Sometimes it is pretty obvious after a few conversations that a woman isn't interested so why ask her out? Shouldn't the woman give the guy the confidence to ask her out?If the guy is shy it will take more effort on the woman's part but is it not worth it ,to be with a guy ,you are interested in .

 

There's nothing wrong about getting to know someone before asking them out. The only comment I know from a male's perspective, is that often the guy gets too attached to the girl before they even start dating. That puts you in a situation where you would increase your chances of feeling hurt, and that the rejection gets more personal. If you wait too long, some women will simply befriend you instead of taking an interest in dating you. That's two risks you got to take, but you may end up having to go through less meaningless dates with which you don't click with the girl.

 

Sometimes, the girl is already going out with someone else before you've had chance to make a move, but I wouldn't say it's an invalid approach. While weeks is probably appropriate, I've had a guy drag on his interest for me only to find a year later. I was really dumbstruck when he magically wanted to start dating me.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I haven't read all the responses in this thread, but some are funny and just excuses. If a guy is really into a girl, unless he is a very traditional minded type of guy/egotistical (both qualities I avoid), he would NOT mind if a girl asks him out. Shyer guys would in fact love it!

 

A man asks 10 women out, 1 of them responds well, he has to accept it as the way it is. A woman asks two guys out, none of them accept it, she cries that this is what happens when a woman asks a man out, lol. ANYONE who is asking someone out is risking rejection. Be honest, you are afraid of rejection, want to please your pride/ego, and that's why you don't ask men out.