Why Don’t Women Ask Men Out ?

[jonny15]

None of the men I knew had issues like that. I am sure some do, just like some women have analogous issues.

 

 

Yea...I just think that bcause they probably have issues with themselves.

 

It might be that they're control freaks, and feel that they need to be in control of the start of it all. And if they don't, they feel like they've lost control.

[Sparkly Eyes]

In my experience the reactions men have told me about range from feeling turned off to vaguely knocking the wind out of their sails and decreasing their motivation to get to know the woman for a romantic relationship. I've also heard several reactions of being very flattered but the result typically is that that is not the woman the guy chooses to be seriously involved with. That's great that you would feel comfortable if a woman asked you out. Hopefully there are many more men like you out there - would have made my dating life less stressful if there had been since I had no real issue doing the asking.

 

So no man you ever talked to said that he was actually flattered and ended up falling for her?! I thought you've known many men in your life. I've probably known way less and I know of relationships that happened this way and men who would actually love it if an attractive woman approaches them. I guess maybe you remember or hear things that you want to remember or hear.

 

All of that being said, women ask men out in "indirect" ways all the time! Giving signals itself is a form of asking out for women. Smart guys already know that and that's why they approach the signal giving girl to make it easier for her.

[FathomFear]

That is like saying just because I am straight I would have a more unbiased view at same sex relationships. I would never make that claim though.

 

But you could make that claim if you were raised in a culture which put you under immense pressure from day one to pursue same-sex relationships. Where all media, all stories, all friends and family placed you in that direction. You likely would grow familiar with what they entail rather well. And that's exactly the situation that most GLBT people find themselves in, especially in North America. Except it's the reverse.

[Alezia]

I've seen some of my friends ask guys out on a date. Usually it just turns into this easy sex for some while arrangement. Most of them did admit to not truly being interested in the girl but that it was ok for now.To be honest, seeing this firsthand just convinced me never to ask a guy out on a date. People with more positive experiences may feel otherwise. I'm sure there are some cases for which the guy was interested, I just haven't seen it yet!

[Sparkly Eyes]

I've seen some of my friends ask guys out on a date. Usually it just turns into this easy sex for some while arrangement. Most of them did admit to not truly being interested in the girl but that it was ok for now.

 

Again, same thing happens to men. They ask women out who are NOT interested in them ALL THE TIME. Why does it come as a surprise/bad thing when it's the same for women?

[jonny15]

Again, same thing happens to men. They ask women out who are NOT interested in them ALL THE TIME. Why does it come as a surprise/bad thing when it's the same for women?

 

I don't try to speak for women, but alot of them are use to being in control of the situation, in the sense that they are the ones that say yes or no. But if they are the ones doing the asking, then the guy is the one in that position, and some do not want to give up that aspect of control.

[StrawberryYogurt]

Again, same thing happens to men. They ask women out who are NOT interested in them ALL THE TIME. Why does it come as a surprise/bad thing when it's the same for women?

 

Exactly! Women are just more fragile and prideful in this area and also I said before, they don't have to most of the time. I have yet to see a study that indicates relationships are more successful when the man did the initial pursuing vs the woman doing the initial pursuing.

 

I don't mind that women don't ask men out except when women complain they can't find someone: If you can't find someone, perhaps you need to change your ways.

[Alezia]

Again, same thing happens to men. They ask women out who are NOT interested in them ALL THE TIME. Why does it come as a surprise/bad thing when it's the same for women?

 

I can only speak from limited experience, but I don't know many women who will pretend to date a guy simply for sex. They will most likely try to arrange a clear FWB situation as opposed to pretending to have some type of emotional connection.

 

To me if you are truly interested in getting to know the person more and taking the sex slowly, then you will date. If you just want some action, why bother?

[Batya33]

So no man you ever talked to said that he was actually flattered and ended up falling for her?! I thought you've known many men in your life. I've probably known way less and I know of relationships that happened this way and men who would actually love it if an attractive woman approaches them. I guess maybe you remember or hear things that you want to remember or hear.

 

All of that being said, women ask men out in "indirect" ways all the time! Giving signals itself is a form of asking out for women. Smart guys already know that and that's why they approach the signal giving girl to make it easier for her.

 

I am only talking about asking out. I have an excellent memory especially for anecdotes about dating lol. I think it's great if a woman flirts, suggests places she'd like to go, etc, suggests meeting in person to a man she contacts through a dating site. I also think it's fine if a woman asks a man out on a date - I am just sharing my experiences - and sure many of the men were flattered - my focus was whether the men ended up in a serious relationship with the woman and whether there was a negative impact where the woman did the asking out (in particular if she asked him out more than once, contacted him more than he contacted her,etc) - and in my experience, there often was a negative impact even when the man was initially flattered. That was one reason I stopped asking men out since for me it was no big deal. I found that the men I knew and knew of were more comfortable being in the role, in the early dating stages ,of doing more or most of the asking. The other reason was, honestly, I had few opportunities where I had to decide whether to ask a man out - most often, the man asked me out or at least by the time I had started thinking about whether I should ask him out, he asked me out.

 

I also have and have had many platonic male friends who have shared the same viewpoint/opinions with me about women asking men out. From all I read here it seems to be changing so that traditional dating is fading as a practice among younger people (i.e. teens/20s) so that perhaps younger men in general are more comfortable with the woman doing as much or more of the asking out.

[bostonbruins44]

Perhaps you were more skilled at flirting even with men who were shy .You likely made it pretty clear you were interested so the threat of rejection wasn't as severe.Given the dynamic you describe ''I had few opportunities where I had to decide whether to ask a man out -most often ,the man asked me out '' I don't think it would have mattered who did the asking since the interest was mutual .It's not that big a dealbreaker if the man is already interested.Personally the very few times I have been asked out directly by women I wasn't interested not because of the asking but they did it in a blunt ,aggressive manner .One woman from work had seen me around but had never worked with me ,so in a sense it was destined to fail .She didn't do any initial social banter ,if she had worked with me and was perceptive she would have picked up on my lack of interest.

[Iakasot]

I have never really fallen in love with a girl out of the ones I've asked out. The three I've fallen in love with (hard) were a subcategory of the ones who asked me out. To this day, I've been asked out by slightly more girls than the other way around, and I consider myself lucky compared to most guys, because I know for most guys it's the reverse. Men want to be pursued too, men want to feel wanted and to feel like the girl is for real. Men pursue more, because men have inherent attraction towards women in general, whereas women typically do not have that towards anyone but a small % of men. This is further backed up by the fact that women end 70-80% of relationships, the inherent "desire" for men just isn't hard enough to ask them out, or to stay in a relationship with them. If you're saying "you don't know how hard girls want, we want guys too", you've probably never been in a situation where you HAD to have someone, and when you were asking them out it was almost like you had no control. A lot of guys get that, that's why they pursue and spend immense amounts of money on women.

[benderman]

OK, but why is it that females have no problem setting the woman's movement back ten years by waiting for the man to make the first move ? …if it's a man's job to be the “predator”, then is it possible that women will eventually get that "promotion" and become the “aggressors” themselves, one day ?

 

And yes when it comes to dating, there's no doubt that making the first move is nerve-wracking, but I'm on men's side where this issue is concerned (and not just because I'm a man) It can just as equally be a woman's job to secure a date with a man, or kiss him in the hopes of luring him into more serious bedroom activities, as it is the man's responsibility to do so.

 

Maybe it's all in pickup lines ?...and women just don't know any that will snare a man time and time again.

[greywolf]

OK, but why is it that females have no problem setting the woman's movement back ten years by waiting for the man to make the first move ? …if it's a man's job to be the “predator”, then is it possible that women will eventually get that "promotion" and become the “aggressors” themselves, one day ?

 

And yes when it comes to dating, there's no doubt that making the first move is nerve-wracking, but I'm on men's side where this issue is concerned (and not just because I'm a man) It can just as equally be a woman's job to secure a date with a man, or kiss him in the hopes of luring him into more serious bedroom activities, as it is the man's responsibility to do so.

 

Maybe it's all in pickup lines ?...and women just don't know any that will snare a man time and time again.

 

For me, it's because I rarely meet someone that I'm interested enough in to go through the effort of asking out. Only once have I met a guy and thought "I so want to get into his pants". I posted here earlier in this thread about what happened when I asked him out.

[Allyo]

I have asked men out in the past. I don't think a single one of them said no But I also try to make good decisions - I wouldn't ask out just anyone!

[Batya33]

OK, but why is it that females have no problem setting the woman's movement back ten years by waiting for the man to make the first move ? …if it's a man's job to be the “predator”, then is it possible that women will eventually get that "promotion" and become the “aggressors” themselves, one day ?

 

And yes when it comes to dating, there's no doubt that making the first move is nerve-wracking, but I'm on men's side where this issue is concerned (and not just because I'm a man) It can just as equally be a woman's job to secure a date with a man, or kiss him in the hopes of luring him into more serious bedroom activities, as it is the man's responsibility to do so.

 

Maybe it's all in pickup lines ?...and women just don't know any that will snare a man time and time again.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to wait for a man to make the first move. In my past experiences it was a good idea to wait for the man to ask me out on a date. I was good at flirting/banter -I wasn't just referring to myself though when I gave my opinions -I was referring to the many men and women I knew over the years as well as to myself.

I think it's really important to work on social skills and be a good listener (and bonus points for interesting conversationalist) if you want the best opportunities to meet potentially good matches for the long term. I was a shy, awkward child and pre-teen, came out of my shell as a teenager and really honed my social skills in my 30s.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I don't think it's a good idea to wait for a man to make the first move. In my past experiences it was a good idea to wait for the man to ask me out on a date. I was good at flirting/banter -I wasn't just referring to myself though when I gave my opinions -I was referring to the many men and women I knew over the years as well as to myself.

I think it's really important to work on social skills and be a good listener (and bonus points for interesting conversationalist) if you want the best opportunities to meet potentially good matches for the long term. I was a shy, awkward child and pre-teen, came out of my shell as a teenager and really honed my social skills in my 30s.

 

I'd also like to say that your past observations could have been biased. For example, some men are more aggressive and have no problem asking a woman out. Now if such a man is asked out by a woman who he already knows but didn't ask her out, then he probably was not interested in her in the first place. So making the conclusion that their relationship didn't last simply because woman did the asking out is very inaccurate. And not all men are aggressive like that and they don't always make it known if they are interested in someone. Also, not all asking outs takes place when both people already know each other well/had enough time to flirt etc.

 

So really, I really don't think it matters who does the asking out as long as there is a high mutual level of interest. A lot of my girl friends were never properly asked out by their husbands/boy friends. They both liked each other and made it obvious, then went from there. I also know of several girls who asked guys out, made the guys fall for them and then dumped them.

[Iakasot]

I've been that guy multiple times. It's not pleasant. Keep preaching! We DO fall for girls who ask us out.

[bostonbruins44]

I agree completely.

[Batya33]

My past observations were limited to hundreds of men and women -maybe more -ages 20s to 40s generally over about a 30 year period of time (starting in the 1980s, lasting until at least the last year or so -I've heard fewer anecdotes over the last year given my current lifestyle). I am not saying that makes me right or wrong and I don't think it makes me biased. I don't think men who ask women out are aggressive -to me they're fairly typical, normal guys.

I know of very few relationships that were happy and lasted long term where the woman asked out the man more than once in the beginning of dating (or in many cases, once). As I've written here before it is so unusual that a major newspaper ran a story a few years ago about a woman who took on the traditional male role including proposing and it seemed to be working out great. Again, doesn't make me right -I'm just sharing my opinion and observations. I didn't come to the conclusion that the relationship didn't last because the woman was more of the pursuer as far as asking out -it was because that's what was shared with me by both men and women. My opinion is now that women, especially younger women (20 somethings) should be comfortable asking men out because hopefully the more traditional form of dating is not as prevalent among younger people. And certainly women should never wait for a man they're interested in to strike up a conversation or show interest.

[xxNPxx]

Jeez which corners are all these men hiding behind and why aren't they the same corners I've been passing by all my life?! Frankly, if I didn't believe in taking initiative I'd have probably dated 0 to 2 guys at this point....

 

I know a girl who has been a virgin and never had a boyfriend. Shes terribly said and banking on a guy who sleeps with anything. Me and her are good friends and we talk a lot. I told her she needs to start hitting on guys. I told her, "You can hit on guys or hope that they will hit on you. Hows the latter working out for you?". So far she's had really creepy 40 year old guys hitting on her and shes 19 but not anything to write home about.

 

I say a girl doesn't need to hit on guys, but if they aren't getting many guys it certainly could only make things better.

[Batya33]

I know a girl who has been a virgin and never had a boyfriend. Shes terribly said and banking on a guy who sleeps with anything. Me and her are good friends and we talk a lot. I told her she needs to start hitting on guys. I told her, "You can hit on guys or hope that they will hit on you. Hows the latter working out for you?". So far she's had really creepy 40 year old guys hitting on her and shes 19 but not anything to write home about.

 

I say a girl doesn't need to hit on guys, but if they aren't getting many guys it certainly could only make things better.

 

I think it's best not to "hit on" guys especially if the woman isn't used to asking guys out -far better to be in situations where she gets to know men naturally, through mutual interest in activities and then the subject of socializing outside the group or activity comes up fairly naturally too.

[Stay_home]

Just because a guy makes the first move doesn't mean that you can't still be rejected.

 

I have met many women and have turned down the majority of them after I was the one who initated, got the phone number, asked for dates and offered invitations to do things. Rejection can still happen regardless of who initiates the move first. So what really is the problem?

 

We find that most, again most, and there's this double-standard about men making the first move and most women have choosen to keep that aspect of dating traditional. As long as you realize that you've just killed off about 40% chance of meeting Mr. Right, be my guest. But be advised, there are women out there who WILL gladly fill the shoes of those of you who are unwilling to bend and compromise. Men are almost expected to do initate and if not they are considered weak, shallow or passive - all of characterisitcs that indicate he's a "nice guy," which therefore, automatically disqualifies him and banishes him into the friendzone. Yet, for a woman to flirt, play mind games but not actually initiate is acceptable? I'm not being biased, just stating the facts. That is typically how it goes.

 

I can tell you as sure as ever, that a closed mouth doesn't get fed. You might meet a woman or meet a man, but you never really know who you might be passing by if you've got your nose in the air because you feel so entitled, stuck up with pride and "privledged." There are women out there that will take your spot, for those of you who still think it's the same courting style as back in the day. This is 2011, get with the program. The world is changing around us. I don't like being rejected anymore than you do. But I'd do it over and over again and I will continue to.

 

And I would just like to also say that the men out here are trying. Enotalone is a testament to that. All of these combined threads asking questions and seeking answers. Men are out here and they are trying to meet women halfway, but they also have to know that their efforts are being appreciated as well as reciprocated.

[PrincessBOT]

I'm sure there are plenty of men who marry out of a sense of obligation once they've been going out with someone for a while - with the idea that "you're supposed to marry after (x) years". I also know a couple who got married essentially out of desperation to prop up a relationship. People do weird things. Also, I'm not sure why you're focused on marriage, is that supposed to be the be-all and end-all of relationships? Seems very archaic.

 

 

 

Marriage...Archaic????....after all it's only the cornerstone of a stable, balanced and progressive society.We should really rid ourselves of the archaic institution of marriage and adopt wide spread living together with whoever whenever and having kids by whomever whenever. Afterall that's the most modern way which promotes mass teenage pregnancy, single parent households where kids raising themselves (what a great society that is to look forward to as that generation take over), half naked women on the television...yup modern is the way to...who needs marriage, stability, structure, consistency etc.

 

By the way, what planet is it where marriage is archaic?....

 

 

All you're saying is "this is the situation: men have to ask women out. Deal with it." You are being lazy just as much as the man you look down on is. Every time you don't wander over to a guy you like and strike up a conversation, you're pandering to outmoded gender expectations.

 

That is the way it is, no matter how much you don't like it, it didn't happen overnight or for no reason and it's not going to change because of some insecure men. What REAL man looks for a women to ask him out, c'mon?

 

What, and women shouldn't have to work?

 

As it happens I'm completely comfortable with speaking to random women so no big problem, but this kind of "treat me right" entitlement really grates on me. If I happen not to notice you, and you don't do anything about it - your loss.

 

Women's work come after men do their job....Stop playing devils advocate (I can tell that's what you are doing by the bolded part of your message) and really think about if and when a women asked you out when you were not interested first....did you lose interest and didn't know why, did you like her but just couldn't explain why the flame was not there like that woman you took months of planning to ask out or got up the courage to ask her out when you saw ...key words being "you saw her" because if you are interested you will see her. If it's true that men think of

sex every 20 seconds or something like then you are constantly scanning consciously and unconsciously and if you don't see her then you are just not that interested and that probably won't change for any length of time. So yes for a few dates and hooking up , women asking men out works great, but for relationship, marriage or anything long term. So in case you have not learned it yet, YES, men will value much more who they are first interested in and have to work for....

[PrincessBOT]

How is he being lazy?

 

If he's lazy, then so are the women for expecting to not have to do anything.

 

 

 

 

The rejection from the opposite sex is alot different than being rejected from a job.

 

It's just a totally different thing.

 

 

You clearly have no understanding of men at all.

 

You don't have to do EVERYTHING, but you should do your part. Women will do their part after men do theirs , which is ask them out?

 

Rejection is rejection, how you perceive it is the difference. For many men their occupation is who they are and being rejected for job or promotion they feel the "worked for"is devastating and probably perceived as worse than rejection by a woman. I understand men very well and I understand that a lot of them don't gain a deep understanding of themselves and the reason they do or don't do things until they are in their late 30's, early 40's. So one day you will see that any woman who wanted to be with a man that let fear of rejection stop him from going after her was not that wise in the dating/relationship/marriage area and the guy was someone she should have let go.... So you see me in 10-15 years...However, those men who do get it early on have the advantage, that's the guy I want....someone else can have the coward that couldn't get up the nerve to ask her or couldn't get past his ego to do his work as the man because if he were a fish I'd throw him back in the water.

[PrincessBOT]

What is your definition of going after a woman ?Does it strictly involve taking the plunge and asking her out?Many shy men aren't that bold .They will converse with a woman for awhile [maybe over a period of weeks ] and guage her interest on the time they interact . Do you consider putting in the time to converse and get to know her as ''going after her ''? Sometimes it is pretty obvious after a few conversations that a woman isn't interested so why ask her out? Shouldn't the woman give the guy the confidence to ask her out?If the guy is shy it will take more effort on the woman's part but is it not worth it ,to be with a guy ,you are interested in .

 

I consider going after a woman just what you described, either asking her out if that is the only chance you will get before she is possibly gone forever or figuring out way to have frequent conversations if the time allows. If she is not interested such is life, the guy may well not be interested anymore after speaking to her and getting to know her better. And yes the technique works better for shy guys, but if he put thought being into where he knows she will be or taking the route by her desk to drop off an apple then he is going after her.