Why Don’t Women Ask Men Out ?

[Stay_home]

I find that the my biggest issue with approaching women is not about the actual approach or the fear of rejection. Infact, I'm probably the least worried about that. The problem I have, I've just been through so many things trying to meet women that the turnout hasn't always been so good. Some of which I'm sure is probably my fault, but not the entirety of it. I'm just tired of being disappointed, I guess that's partly because I raise my expectations so high that I don't really give people a chance to meet them. I think another part of that is because I don't like to really be close to anyone because I'm always worried that they're going to eventually let me down. So I've always felt a lot better and more productive trusting in and believing in the one person that I know loves me the most and would always be there for me even at my worse, me.

[StrawberryYogurt]

lIn any case, a woman who never asks men out is hurting her chances, it's simple logic. Asking men out gives a woman more chances and more control over who she can go out with.

 

Yep, it's a shame how many potential couples didn't get together b/c women don't ask men out. Women should be embracing this concept as it's empowering. I mean why would you wait around to get what you want. You don't do that in terms of education, career, social life outside of dating, so why do it in the dating realm? Only hurting yourself (or neutral, at best) by never asking men out.

[Ms Darcy]

Yep, it's a shame how many potential couples didn't get together b/c women don't ask men out. Women should be embracing this concept as it's empowering. I mean why would you wait around to get what you want. You don't do that in terms of education, career, social life outside of dating, so why do it in the dating realm? Only hurting yourself (or neutral, at best) by never asking men out.

 

I kind of think this "women who don't ask men out are hurting themselves" mantra doesn't exactly ring true in my experience. I think people are deluded into thinking dating is a numbers game and you have to cast your net as widely as possible and hope you catch a fish. I don't believe in that either. Of my many female friends who are married, the vast majority were friends/acquaintances with their husbands through school, work, extra curricular events and eventually got into relationships.

 

For the women I know, cold approaches just don't happen and won't happen .... I don't think that is necessarily hurting their chances for love. But women are far more proactive than we are given credit for when it comes to getting in relationships with the guys that we do know. Asking guys to hang out, flirting, all of that ... I think women do quite a lot. And in those situations, women are more likely to request dates; it's just that when they do it is after really getting to know that guy. At least that is what happened with my friends.

 

I think many women are empowered, and creative, in the way that they express their interest. I also think they can be more judicious about who they choose to show strong interest in.

[FathomFear]

So I guess the litmus test would pass if we were still in the times when women couldn't vote and were just expected to stay in the house and have kids. Men didn't change these things, women pushed for these rights. So please don't come on hear talking about the litmus test would fail on this thread because women now have some things in their favor, like having a social norm or expectancy that men should ask the women out...

 

You seem to have missed the point. I said the litmus test is whether or not you fight for equality regardless of whether something swings in your favour or does not swing in your favour. While it is easy to denounce something which does not go in your favour (such as not having the right to vote) it takes more diligence and strength to denounce inequality when it does go in your favour (such as not having to ask people out, getting dates paid for you, etc). If you stand up for equality you need to do it regardless of whether it benefits you.

[StrawberryYogurt]

For the women I know, cold approaches just don't happen and won't happen .... I don't think that is necessarily hurting their chances for love.

 

I agree with you about cold approaches. They are mostly rubbish, for both men and women. Better to meet in ways you described. But I was talking more of a situation where the man and woman know each other through for example some volunteer work over a few months and the woman likes the man. In that situation, why couldn't the woman ask the man out and not wait around for the man to ask?

[PrincessBOT]

Whenever I see that statistic/fact (that no one knows where it came from usually), it still shocks me every time. Who doesn't think about sex every 60 seconds? I don't know why it's used as evidence to show that sex is constantly on a guy's mind. That doesnt' even seem that often to me.

 

Lol, see you just confirmed it, but I knew it because I have a lot of guy friends and they pretty much agree that they think about it often. The singles ones more so than the married ones. Look, I didn't say anything was wrong with it. Men don't act on it every time they think of it so it's not a big deal. My point is with it on their mind that often women approaching them are seen as easy sex. Men approaching women will more likely think potential date and let's see, or potential relationship and think more intimacy than sex. For the shy guy he is still a guy and some smitten women coming after him is going jump start his natural male tendencies.

[PrincessBOT]

lol, you seem so sure about your theory that you interpret every situation according to that. Maybe the shy guy flipped because he didn't like you for whatever reason and not because you asked him out. Apparently you weren't his ideal. Women get dumped all the time too when they were asked out in the start.

 

In any case, a woman who never asks men out is hurting her chances, it's simple logic. Asking men out gives a woman more chances and more control over who she can go out with.

 

Depends on what you are looking for....casual dating and having a good time, perfectly fine. However, if the goal is a deep meaningful relationship possibly leading to marriage then you want a man the will seek you out. Women have an ability to grow more in love with men who they were not interested in initially, but men for some reason have to have that feeling upfront otherwise there is doubt and where there is doubt there is wasted time when the guy just can't figure out why he can't go any deeper...

[Iakasot]

Depends on what you are looking for....casual dating and having a good time, perfectly fine. However, if the goal is a deep meaningful relationship possibly leading to marriage then you want a man the will seek you out. Women have an ability to grow more in love with men who they were not interested in initially, but men for some reason have to have that feeling upfront otherwise there is doubt and where there is doubt there is wasted time when the guy just can't figure out why he can't go any deeper...

 

Actually, there's been studies done where the person who initiates the asking out typically develops stronger feelings, regardless of gender, and the other person's feelings are typically weaker (again, regardless of gender). Seems unwise to live your whole life based on preconceived notions that men don't commit if they don't ask out. It's not a men thing, it's a people thing, and studies back this up, the person who gets asked out has the advantage. I can tell that love doesn't mean very much to you, because you wouldn't sacrifice that small advantage to pursue it.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with you about cold approaches. They are mostly rubbish, for both men and women. Better to meet in ways you described. But I was talking more of a situation where the man and woman know each other through for example some volunteer work over a few months and the woman likes the man. In that situation, why couldn't the woman ask the man out and not wait around for the man to ask?

 

All I can reference is my own experience. The guy I am currently (sort of) dating ... I met him at work. I fell in crush at first site. I asked him to lunch to orient him about my department (we are in different departments). Lunch was good I thought ... we had a lot in common. I invited him to play Trivia with me and some friends the next week and I went by his cubicle to say hi and flirt. Anyway, he flaked last minute. Turns out there was another girl at work he was flirting with (I didn't know that I the time, but I had a hunch). So, I backed off. We lightly remained friends, but it was when I stopped pursuing that he started to show interest. Why? I don't know.

 

Anyway, he asked me out ... we've gone out a few times and we shall see.

 

So while I didn't ask him out, my interest was pretty dern obvious and he just didn't pursue it until his feelings developed (seemingly much more slowly).

[Ms Darcy]

Actually, there's been studies done where the person who initiates the asking out typically develops stronger feelings, regardless of gender, and the other person's feelings are typically weaker (again, regardless of gender).

 

I think this actually proves the point you are trying to reject. By this evidence, if a person (let's say regardless of gender) wants the person that they marry to be really emotionally committed, then they should wait to be asked out. So if Woman A wants a committed man who has strong feelings for her, she should wait for the guy to ask her out. This is all according to what you have displayed here.

 

I think this also goes back to expectations, experiences, and wants. If you have a woman who really wants to fall in love and get married and she's been left time and time again, I can see how she would want to be pursued (same for a man by the way).

[Sparkly Eyes]

Depends on what you are looking for....casual dating and having a good time, perfectly fine. However, if the goal is a deep meaningful relationship possibly leading to marriage then you want a man the will seek you out. Women have an ability to grow more in love with men who they were not interested in initially, but men for some reason have to have that feeling upfront otherwise there is doubt and where there is doubt there is wasted time when the guy just can't figure out why he can't go any deeper...

 

lol, what difference does it make? You tell me. As a woman even if I do ask men out, I still get the ones who ask me out. So at the end of the day, I have more potentials, whether it is for sex and fun or for a serious relationship.

 

I think one thing women should realize is that you don't have to do ALL the pursuing when you ask a guy out. You can ask a guy out initially, but then back off for him to show some interest. Men in fact should also do the same sometimes. It's human nature. We don't like people who appear too clingy or desperate.

[Iakasot]

I think this actually proves the point you are trying to reject. By this evidence, if a person (let's say regardless of gender) wants the person that they marry to be really emotionally committed, then they should wait to be asked out. So if Woman A wants a committed man who has strong feelings for her, she should wait for the guy to ask her out. This is all according to what you have displayed here.

 

I think this also goes back to expectations, experiences, and wants. If you have a woman who really wants to fall in love and get married and she's been left time and time again, I can see how she would want to be pursued (same for a man by the way).

 

It might seem that way, but it's more to reject her reason for waiting for guys to ask her out. You notice, in her reason she says something like "only men have to be the initiators to commit, not women, that's why i wait". After talking about that study, I can now say "so guys shouldn't approach you because you won't commit to them either", while she was trying to say the opposite, you see? So now she can't criticize men's commitment without also criticizing women's, because they were equal in that study.

[BlueMilk]

Actually it still falls in her favor. She, as a female, wants commitment, so she waits until a male is ready to give her that commitment.

 

It is true vice versa, but if as a woman she wants a long term relationship then it is in her best interest to wait it out - unfortunately this is also true for a guy who wants a long term relationship, and possibly why these 'nice men' (non-players, serious minded) are pushing for more initiative from women.

 

In all honesty I am starting to think that with the feminist movement and the push for equality accross the board (which does mean giving up some privileges that women received while under oppression) it is no longer important which gender makes the initiation (as time moves on) as long as there is a passive role and an aggressive role. Traditionally it may have been female and male respectively but with the advances of feminism the lines have blurred to a spectacular degree which allows for a lot more flexibility in the types of relationships seen.

 

Basically I can see how if a man wants to be asked out by women rather than doing the asking himself he would more than likely benefit with having a more 'aggressive' female partner that doesn't mind doing the asking (beautifully shown in Japanese Story by Toni Collette where she literally wears the pants in the relationship.)

 

So while some women may prefer the more 'traditional' roles, I expect them to have a more traditional type of marriage - which I suspect the guy who prefers to be asked out first would rather not have.

[Batya33]

The person who does more of the asking out need not have an aggressive role and the person who accepts the dates need not have a passive role -that's an exxageration of what is only part of a dating relationship.

[Sparkly Eyes]

 

 

 

In all honesty I am starting to think that with the feminist movement and the push for equality accross the board (which does mean giving up some privileges that women received while under oppression) it is no longer important which gender makes the initiation (as time moves on) as long as there is a passive role and an aggressive role. Traditionally it may have been female and male respectively but with the advances of feminism the lines have blurred to a spectacular degree which allows for a lot more flexibility in the types of relationships seen.

 

You're kidding, right? In none of my relationships one would be considered as passive and the other as aggressive. We were equal, enjoyed our relationship and worked on it together. Just because someone initiates doesn't mean he/she is going to be the aggressive one in the relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

It might seem that way, but it's more to reject her reason for waiting for guys to ask her out. You notice, in her reason she says something like "only men have to be the initiators to commit, not women, that's why i wait". After talking about that study, I can now say "so guys shouldn't approach you because you won't commit to them either", while she was trying to say the opposite, you see? So now she can't criticize men's commitment without also criticizing women's, because they were equal in that study.

 

I see what you are saying.

 

I think just making friends and hanging out with people and putting feelers out there is the best thing to do. Unless you are online dating, then it's more upfront.

[Neutron Star]

It's not that they take no for an answer it's that they go for what they want and follow through, they actually do it. that's where a lot of self confessed shy guys fall is that they are too shy or scared to actually initiate anything beyond a casual conversation.

 

Neutron Star your attitude is self defeating. if your getting rejecting 100% change up! Insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting it to work.

I though no meant no. If a woman says no, she doesn't want to go out with you, that means she doesn't want to see you again. If you ask a second time, things will get very ugly because she already told you no. Her no means leave her alone.

Whether a woman will ever want you is irrelevant because your approach to dating will prevent you from ever finding out.

 

Rejection is not a big deal. I get rejected, but I don't care. Why? She doesn't know me, and I don't know her well enough to value her opinion.

Why would she care to date you if you don't care about her? Many of them look at me like a 10 year old anyway because it's all about how much experience you have.

[greywolf]

Lol, see you just confirmed it, but I knew it because I have a lot of guy friends and they pretty much agree that they think about it often. The singles ones more so than the married ones. Look, I didn't say anything was wrong with it. Men don't act on it every time they think of it so it's not a big deal. My point is with it on their mind that often women approaching them are seen as easy sex. Men approaching women will more likely think potential date and let's see, or potential relationship and think more intimacy than sex. For the shy guy he is still a guy and some smitten women coming after him is going jump start his natural male tendencies.

 

Confirmed what? Yes, it's probably true, but what I meant is why is it significant? What does it have to do with men having to be the ones that need to ask women out? I don't get it.

[BriarRose]

Many of us learned from a young age that men like the chase (even though they will rarely admit it). They may not even realize it, but it is so apparent in their behavior towards unavailable women.

[Neutron Star]

Many of us learned from a young age that men like the chase (even though they will rarely admit it). They may not even realize it, but it is so apparent in their behavior towards unavailable women.

Correction. Many of you would only date men who liked the chase. How else can you come up with such a conciusion? I don't like the chase, but it doesn't matter what I say, does it?

[BriarRose]

Correction. Many of you would only date men who liked the chase. How else can you come up with such a conciusion? I don't like the chase, but it doesn't matter what I say, does it?

 

Of course what you say matters; your opinion is as valuable as anyone else's. I guess I just see so many men relentlessly pursue unavailable women. And even in my personal experience, the more out-of-touch I am with someone (whether busy or just not interested), the more they contact me. The more inviting I am, I stop hearing from them.

[guynextdoor]

Of course what you say matters; your opinion is as valuable as anyone else's. I guess I just see so many men relentlessly pursue unavailable women. And even in my personal experience, the more out-of-touch I am with someone (whether busy or just not interested), the more they contact me. The more inviting I am, I stop hearing from them.

 

Interesting... I'm quite the opposite. If a woman shows no interest I move onto the next. Why waste her time or mine if I'm getting the colder shoulder.

[Stay_home]

What can an unavailable women do for me?

[piruru]

And even in my personal experience, the more out-of-touch I am with someone (whether busy or just not interested), the more they contact me. The more inviting I am, I stop hearing from them.

 

True in my experience too. The more we're into them - because of our behaviour - the less attracted they become. Meanwhile, if you're totally uninterested, they're all over you! They just keep chasing. It's ridiculous. Same applies in a relationship situation. If you're too accessible, it gets boring too.

 

Ugh.

[Iakasot]

True in my experience too. The more we're into them - because of our behaviour - the less attracted they become. Meanwhile, if you're totally uninterested, they're all over you! They just keep chasing. It's ridiculous. Same applies in a relationship situation. If you're too accessible, it gets boring too.

 

Ugh.

 

That only applies to men whom girls are interested in often. If you date a guy who has no girls interested in him besides you, and you're into them, they become even more into you, like a puppy dog. But you don't want that, do you? So you can't demonize the unavailable men, because they don't want to be the guy who makes you puke, like the guy who becomes MORE interested in you like a puppy dog. Those unavailable men know how to attract women, that's why multiple ones including you were interested in them.