Changing your last name...ladies...how did/do you feel?

[CatsMeeoow]

I'm glad you are excited but I think after all the drama you've been in with this guy isn't it a bit much to be rushing into marriage in just a month after reconciliation? Part of me worries that you are so set on "Marriage" you aren't really working through things with your future partner but rushing towards an end result. That's just not a healthy time table.

 

As for your question - change takes time! I did not change my name for professional reasons. I have a relationship with my community associated with my last name for over 17yr before I got married. Changing my name and people would think I have moved away or no longer available to them... its just funny... new name and you are like a new person. In addition after being called by your clientele by a certain last name most would slip up and not call me by my new one. It makes my life easier and well my husband doesn't care.

 

Having been married for about a month now I basically forget to wear my ring like all the time. I can't wear it when I sleep as my fingers will swell and then I won't be able to get it off without having it cut off so I take it off at bedtime but often forget to put it on the next day... my husband always text me from work to remind me! I keep hoping I'll get used to it!

 

So for what its worth - if its really meant to be with this guy... post pone the big day for 6 months. I think you are rushing things - what does your therapist say? Weren't you going to seek some professional counseling?

[Circe]

You know.. this thread has been really useful. I've really been thinking about it and I think I might consider keeping my name as is. I will talk to my H to see how he feels about it first but .. I'll miss my name. And.. I'm thinking.. maybe I would be ok with any future kids not having my name. I think one thing I feel now (which I didnt necessarily feel 2 years ago) is that a name can't strengthen or weaken your bond/connection/tie with someone. So they wouldnt be any less my kids and I wouldnt love them any less or they love me any less. So really.. what does it matter?

 

Hmm. This is a bit strange as I always assumed my whole life that I'd change my name.

[Tanzi]

WW, you're getting married? Wow, did I miss something?

 

As for changing my name when I married .... I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait to share the name of the one I loved. I couldn't wait for people to see it. Of course it also means that I had the same name as my children which was also important to me.

 

I am now divorced it is likely that I will marry my boyfriend in the future. Although we are happy to wait, we know it is what we want and, again, I can't wait to change my name to his. However this does mean that I won't have the same name as my children anymore which saddens me but I don't have a connection to their father anymore that they will always have.

[SayWhen]

I have not yet decided if I'm going to change my name when I marry my FH in April. I am leaning towards changing it, but I really want to be sure. My maiden name is a part of my identity, and I have carried it with me through life and through accomplishments and even though I'm only 22, and will be 23 when I marry, I am still "attached" to my maiden name. I've been doing things such as writing my name out with his last name to "try it on" so to speak...and it does feel weird, but I asked my mom and she said she felt the same way, and now she can't imagine having her maiden name as her last name. I think it just takes adjustment, but that each individual should do what feels right. Also, I would certainly hope a man wouldn't leave a women over her wanting to keep her name after marriage. That seems very selfish to me.

[_Asti_]

I am excited to take my fiance's name. For me, its just a feeling of now being a family, creating our own family. I have never had a desire to keep my own last name, or hyphenate it in any fashion.

When we got our first place together, my fiance went ahead and acutally put his last name as our last name for several things [caller ID, or buzzer label for our unit etc]

 

I've just never questioned it. Its always felt like the 'right' thing for me to do. And something I am 100% happy to do. For me, its my new start in my own family.

[petite]

I was one of those women who thought when the time comes I will change it to his name, because mine is long-ish and I'd also like that feeling of knowing we would have the same last name. Lately I have been thinking that while it would no doubt feel nice to share the same last name with a husband and children, I fro 30 years now, have been under my family name. It is who I am, it is my fathers name and I can't just wipe that out and don't really want to. I am still undecided and not really bothered to think much about it now since I am not getting married (yet!), but when the time comes I am sure I'll make he right decision - whatever that might be. I all probability wouldn't just keep mine alone and would add his to mine; as for changing completely, it might happen, I can't just decide on that now since I am not at that point in my life, but whoever I end up marrying better have a nice last name otherwise I can't see myself going from a beautiful unique family name to something boring and simple that is too common. Career is also another thing to think about when it comes to changing name and that would perhaps stop me also.

[Fudgie]

Its interesting how many have stated the "family" bit.

 

I guess another reason why I won't change is because how I feel about my boyfriend. I love him and I already see him as family, in the end, we are a partnership. We aren't assimilating into a family unit. We just work together.

Everyone knows me by my last name. When someone says "Miss ____" I get tingles down my spine, same as I did when I was 6. Marrying someone will never change it and I take comfort in that.

[tinkerbellkj]

It's funny that this thread ha been brought up, because I am in the process now. I got married a month ago and I knew I'd change my last name from the beginning, that being said, it takes a lot of getting used to. I forget all the time. The formality of changing all the paperwork IS a pain in the butt, but I just gotta do it. I have all my paperwork (including marriage license which FINALLY came in!) together so I can spend tomorrow at the DMV and Social Security Office probably most of the day getting sorted out.

 

It IS a little sad, though, I will miss my old last name, even though I do want to take my husbands name and for myself and our child to all have the same last name. I'm a procrastinator, though, so if it wasn't for a plane ticket my mother booked for me in my new last name, I'd probably wait another month to do all these formalities! ;-)

[civilservant]

You know, I was thinking to myself that I was going to type "I wouldn't marry someone who wasn't going to take my name" but the more I thought about it the more selfish it seemed, because I couldn't really say why I wanted her to change it. I don't know. All I can say is that I'm glad OG feels the same way I do, I guess maybe it's a sign of us becoming a family, but I'm not really sure.

 

Helpful post huh?

 

To add.... I like the fact that my name is relativly unusual, and the fact that OGs isn't might just have helped her to decide to take mine

[Batya33]

I changed it because I always figured I would and we became parents shortly after getting married (easier if you all have the same name). I kept my maiden name professionally. But it has been really really weird at times especially when I'm called "Mrs. [last name]" and when I meet people who didn't know my maiden name. I often still think of myself as my maiden name. Only regrets- what a pain in the behind to change all the tax/insurance/accounts on and on and on .....I started the process early but it's still going on at times.

[Tanzi]

No offense or disrespect ladies; but in a group of guys, any one of them with a hyphenated last name is going to get ragged on to death (to his face and/or behind his back). Not to say that it's "wrong" or anything, but a guy looks at another guy with a hyphenated last name and sees him as whipped. Traditions die hard.

 

Very immature. Why should a guy be "whipped" just because he appreciates his wife-to-be's feelings? Maybe he actually likes the idea of having a hyphenated name?

[FathomFear]

The practice is really just a tradition that stems from a time when women/wives were essentially property. Unfortunately, women are pretty much raised since birth to romanticize it. But symbolically it's clear that it represents the subsuming of a woman's identity.

 

It's not a situation I'll ever directly face as I'm not sexually interested in women, but if I were to marry a guy I would have no interest in changing my name nor interest in him changing his.

[FathomFear]

Very immature. Why should a guy be "whipped" just because he appreciates his wife-to-be's feelings? Maybe he actually likes the idea of having a hyphenated name?

 

Guys who think like this likely see their women as "whipped". It's just your typical immature guy group-think that rises in groups.

[Tanzi]

Guys who think like this likely see their women as "whipped". It's just your typical immature guy group-think that rises in groups.

 

Yes, unfortunately. If that is the case then hopefully the guy in question isn't so immature as to be bothered by their cavemen-like ramblings.

[lostnscared]

WW,

 

Wow congratulations. Had no idea you were get married next month... Is it to B?

 

As for the question, I will change my last name to my bf's last name. I am SOOO excited about it, and have no issue doing so. I'm very traditional so I'm totally ok with changing my last name for him.

[-Sanguine-]

When I get married I definitely want to change my last name to his. Maybe I'm a sucker for tradition, but I'm excited to!

[FarthestEdge]

This is such a personal thing, I think that there are as many good reasons to change your name, as there are to keep it. Each should do what feels right for them, but should discuss it with their partner as well. I've actually seen posts here (or somewhere else, I can't remember), of a woman who didn't bother to tell her fiancee that she intended to keep her name, and he just assumed she'd take his. It turned out to be a HUGE issue for both of them, and started their marriage off with a nasty power struggle..

 

That said, I was happy to take DH's name. I had no emotional reason to want to be rid of my maiden name, in fact, I hyphenated my name on my university degree. I am proud of who I am, and the family I came from.

 

But I am also proud of the family I chose to build with DH. Our names would not have hyphenated well, and I wanted my kids to have a sense that we are one family. I also felt there are enough confusing family situations out there, and it was easier for my kids, their teachers and friends and friends parents, if I am 'Mrs.DH'. Profesionally, I was actually glad to be rid of my maiden name, as I found it somewhat detrimental to being taken seriously, as I work for a family business. It was nice to earn the respect of colleagues for my work, knowing that they were unaware of the family connection, and not questioning whether or not they were simply humoring me, as I was the owners relative.

 

But that's MY story- everyone's is different. I know one couple who both legally changed their name to something entirely new!

 

Definitely an important conversation to have with your future spouse. It may be more important to him than you think, and while it is YOUR name, you may also want to weigh out how important it is to you to keep it, vs. how important it is to him that you take his. Or it may not. Either way, a successful marriage includes compromise, so if you hold opposing views, how you navigate this minefield could lay some important groundwork for future conflicts.

[OptomisticGirl]

To add.... I like the fact that my name is relativly unusual, and the fact that OGs isn't might just have helped her to decide to take mine

 

It did.

[Tanzi]

But that's MY story- everyone's is different. I know one couple who both legally changed their name to something entirely new!

 

Now theres a thought! Actually, to an extent, my bf and I have spoken about this. My bf's surname reflects his cultural background. However his father feels that the name has been somewhat of a hindrance in the business world and has used variations of his surname over the years. We have spoken about taking on one of these variations. I don't think he minds doing so as the name has changed over the generations and all for different and interesting reasons.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I also like to search my name on internet and see the cool results! lol If I change my name they will not come up anymore...

[Fudgie]

Yeah keeping my name the same makes it easier for people to find me!

 

I personally would not hyphenate because its so long! Lol. I had friends with hyphenated names. Some cares others didn't. Its personal preference and I think its fine for anyone to do what they want.

 

When I marry, I don't want to be a "Mrs.". My title on all documents is not "Miss" but "Ms." It can stay that way whether single or married. Someday, it will be a "Dr." My name, at least for me, is defined by my family and my profession, not by who I choose to spend my days with.

 

I'm really glad my boyfriend agrees. His ex wide never changed her name either so he's used to it.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Yeah keeping my name the same makes it easier for people to find me!

 

I personally would not hyphenate because its so long! Lol. I had friends with hyphenated names. Some cares others didn't. Its personal preference and I think its fine for anyone to do what they want.

 

When I marry, I don't want to be a "Mrs.". My title on all documents is not "Miss" but "Ms." It can stay that way whether single or married. Someday, it will be a "Dr." My name, at least for me, is defined by my family and my profession, not by who I choose to spend my days with.

 

I'm really glad my boyfriend agrees. His ex wide never changed her name either so he's used to it.

 

yeah, I totally agree. I have nothing against people who do it and I even understand why they might want to do it. I just think it should remain as a personal choice not something you feel like you have to do to make your guy feel good. Like another poster said, men who expect it should think for a second that why this is so important to them. Women are not father's or husband's property anymore. They shouldn't have to change their name every time they go with a new guy.

[jengh]

I definitely plan to change my name. I guess it's a symbolic thing for me, like the start of a new life together and a new family.

[Batya33]

The practice is really just a tradition that stems from a time when women/wives were essentially property. Unfortunately, women are pretty much raised since birth to romanticize it. But symbolically it's clear that it represents the subsuming of a woman's identity.

 

It's not a situation I'll ever directly face as I'm not sexually interested in women, but if I were to marry a guy I would have no interest in changing my name nor interest in him changing his.

Yes but most women's last names come from their father anyway so what's the big deal in taking another man's name? And this is one independent thinker who scoffs at the notion that I was "brainwashed" to want what I want -and something that is "symbolic" can't also "subsume an identity" -because even if you're right you yourself described it as "symbolic" not "actual" - I'm not surprised at the confusion because it seems to me your view is trying to impose an archaic definition on something that has evolved over time to have multiple meanings including the practical meaning of "we want our family to all have the same last, un-hyphenated name and we like daddy's last name best!"

 

No need for you to change your name but you might want to change your view of women as brainwashed robots.

[hers]

Wow, in your last thread about him, you said you were taking things slowly. not getting married for a few years. now...this??? I hope to God your relationship gets better, since divorce is probably frowned about where you are...

 

with that said, i can't wait to change my name to his. i didn't want to, when we talked about it before we got engaged, but i realize i was rebelling and wanting to "stick it to the man." and when i asked him why he wanted me to change it, he couldn't really tell me either, like CS said. so i was holding firm not to change my name.

 

but then i started thinkign about it. my last name is long (9 letters), much longer than his (4 letters). and i'm at the top of the alphabet (something I've always loved), but so is he.

 

but not just htat, i don't really care to "own" that name anymore. i'm not close with my dad, and the only 2 people i've cared about who had that name, really, were my grandparents, and they're gone. so no one i really love and respect, other than a couple cousins and an uncle or two, has that name. my sister changed her name when she got married. no one is really connected to my last name anymore. but then my fiance's family is another story. everyone in his family is still married. they're all happy. they make the name look good, like a marriage should look. i want that. so i can't wait to change it.