Changing your last name...ladies...how did/do you feel?

[Fudgie]

The guys who I have known who said "I WILL NOT MARRY ANYONE WHO DOESN'T TAKE MY NAME"..it's more of an insecurity thing.

 

With my ex, he told me "If you don't take my name, people will think you don't love me or you're cheating on me." I was like "Huh...??" haha.

 

I wanted so much to say "No...You're going to think that I don't love you just because of a dumb name. Stop being insecure." Ahh...but I held my tongue.

[Fudgie]

I don't think anything should be forced on anyone..

 

If you want to take your hubby's name: more power to ya.

 

If you want to keep your name the same: more power to ya.

 

I have my own reasons for leaving my name be and they aren't "crazy" and "Feminist". It's just personal preference. Just like those who want to change their name do it for personal reasons, not because they are "blindly following tradition" or are one of those "typical housewives, subservient and owned by hubs".

[newwave]

Everything above applies to me too. I've only briefly considered marrying one guy, and that's the guy I want now. Other guys I've dated asked me to marry them but knew I didn't love them to make the marriage choice. Incidentally most of these guys would have gotten mad if I didn't take their names, which is one of the reasons I never married them. I don't think a woman SHOULD be forced to take his last name, but if she wants to then she shouldn't be forced not to either.

[Tanzi]

I wonder if WW has been back to her thread. If not, she has a lot of reading to do. She has started a very interesting thread with many different on-going debates!!

[FarthestEdge]

I don't have a husband. All the husband talk I made was for a potential husband. At this point, I think I love my mother the most obviously.

 

,

 

Fair enough. So it's theoretical for you at this point. It's more difficult to consider the POV of a theoretical partner than a real one.

 

I'm very passionate about helping people think about and justify their choices, the reason we are on this board is this very reason. Yes, there are some things that I think people SHOULD do and I'm not ashamed of admitting it. I think people SHOULD respect gays, they SHOULD condemn abuse, They SHOULD question their beliefs and never blindly follow something etc... . But I agree with you that arguing about who takes who's last name is not really high on my list, but that doesn't mean I can't debate about it.

,

 

I was referring to the choices one makes about their personal life. Not how they treat others, because yes, I agree with you that socially there ARE things that people SHOULD do. Never said I objected to your debate...but it wouldn't be much of a debate if everyone just agreed with you, right?

 

The name-calling is unnecessary though, and counterproductive. When I get called names in a debate, I am left with the impression that my opponent has run out of valid counterpoints...Calling me closed-minded while not appreciated, doesn't change my view on anything.

 

ofcourse, traditions change. It's also interesting to know that most of them has expired, many of which you might not even know they existed. I won't be surprised if in a few generations this one get expired as well,

 

Which may well happen, which is why I feel all the griping about "Why don't MEN offer to change THEIR names" is pointless. It's not going to happen, and it doesn't matter anyway....

[FarthestEdge]

I don't think anything should be forced on anyone..

 

If you want to take your hubby's name: more power to ya.

 

If you want to keep your name the same: more power to ya.

 

I have my own reasons for leaving my name be and they aren't "crazy" and "Feminist". It's just personal preference. Just like those who want to change their name do it for personal reasons, not because they are "blindly following tradition" or are one of those "typical housewives, subservient and owned by hubs".

 

AMEN to that!

[newwave]

The guys who I have known who said "I WILL NOT MARRY ANYONE WHO DOESN'T TAKE MY NAME"..it's more of an insecurity thing.

 

With my ex, he told me "If you don't take my name, people will think you don't love me or you're cheating on me." I was like "Huh...??" haha.

 

I wanted so much to say "No...You're going to think that I don't love you just because of a dumb name. Stop being insecure." Ahh...but I held my tongue.

 

The guys I knew who were insistent on their wives taking their names were all control freaks and very chauvinistic. That's not to say all men who believe this are this way, just my personal experience. These same guys also expected me to give up my career and expect him to be head.

 

Before anyone attacks me by saying I am stereotypical, I am talking about the guys I personally know who feel this strongly. I am NOT talking about guys I've known who strongly prefer their wives take the name for other reasons (like having the same name).

[Tanzi]

In SOME cases that's why women still take the last name, because they expect the husband to be head of the house. Others take it to be a family, which I get (which is why I MIGHT consider the hyphenating name).

 

I should think it most likely be the latter. Didn't the "head of the household" status go out with the ark? Granted a man might be the bread winner bearing in mind women have to divide their time between career and children but their input into family life is equal.

[Sparkly Eyes]

 

 

The name-calling is unnecessary though, and counterproductive. When I get called names in a debate, I am left with the impression that my opponent has run out of valid counterpoints...Calling me closed-minded while not appreciated, doesn't change my view on anything.

 

 

lol, I said "open your mind a little", I didn't call you outright close-minded. When you implied that I whine and complain, does it mean you called me whiny?!

 

I don't think what I said was wrong. You were making it all about feminism and I encouraged you to see it as what it is an don't just associate it with a certain group.

[newwave]

I should think it most likely be the latter. I would think the whole "head of the household" theory went out with the ark. Granted a man might be the bread winner bearing in mind women have to divide there time between career and children but their input into family life is now deemed equal.

 

Well, not to get offtopic, but I feel if I marry both of us will work and both of us will take care of the children equally. I actively seek out men who will not be the bigger breadwinner because of this. These guys in general aren't as strongly about the whole changing names as the other guys I've known. If I was getting married and the guy told me if I didn't take his name he wouldn't marry me I'd probably say ok, dump me. If he was more of a "well I prefer you do" then that's something to compromise on. Depending on the circumstances I might be willing to compromise. I just don't see the whole completely changing my name now as reasonable for ME. Another option is not to change my name, but use his last name for social events, such as things involving the kids.

[FathomFear]

Yes but most women's last names come from their father anyway so what's the big deal in taking another man's name?

 

Well, if you're content with participating in a patriarchal system where women are essentially passed from fathers to husbands, then there's "nothing wrong with it".

 

I'm not surprised at the confusion because it seems to me your view is trying to impose an archaic definition on something that has evolved over time to have multiple meanings including the practical meaning of "we want our family to all have the same last, un-hyphenated name and we like daddy's last name best!"

 

Right--and that would be fine. But this is not what usually happens. Couples are not sitting down and having a discussion (as two equal adults) and deciding which name they should take on when married. The vast majority of the time women are being passive and simply doing it because that's what expected of them. That's the problem.

 

No need for you to change your name but you might want to change your view of women as brainwashed robots.

 

I don't believe women who change their names are "brainwashed robots". You can be a perfectly intelligent person but fall into the trap of following a tradition which has a shady history. And to me, it's very clear that the act of changing one's name still has significance such that people associate it with being passive/subsumed. Just refer to the guy who posted earlier in the thread and said that a guy who would hyphenate his own name would be regarded as "whipped" by his peers. I mean, just stop a bunch of random guys on the street and ask them if they would be comfortable taking on their wife's last name. I'm sure their responses would be telling.

[FarthestEdge]

...I guess I feel society is best served when people learn to be confident in their own choices, and not feel the need to whine and complain about what others SHOULD do. Or justify their choices by tearing down the choices of others....

 

.

 

lol, I said "open your mind a little", I didn't call you outright close-minded. When you implied that I whine and complain, does it mean you called me whiny?!

 

Now I'm gonna call you a name and say that you are being a little dramatic about this whole thing and your interpretations of stuff I say shows that.

 

Ironic.

 

Not being dramatic, but it's definitely your perogative to interpret my use of the word "people" to mean "YOU", just as it's my perogative to interpret your suggestion that I 'open [my] mind a little' was worded to imply that it is, in fact, closed...

 

Debating is the most fun, and simultaneously gruelling when you get to the finer points.;D

[Tanzi]

I actively seek out men who will not be the bigger breadwinner because of this.

 

These guys in general aren't as strongly about the whole changing names as the other guys I've known.

 

So you would actually not want to get involved with a guy if he earnt more than you?

 

And are you saying there is a connection with the amount of money a man earns and wanting a women to change her name?

[newwave]

So you would actually not want to get involved with a guy if he earnt more than you?

 

And are you saying there is a connection with the amount of money a man earns and wanting a women to change her name?

 

I mean that I wouldn't want a guy who made considerably more. This is because in many cases I know men who make a lot and expect their wives career to come after theirs. This goes on a case by case instance but generally speaking I prefer a guy who makes less or about the same because then we can share housework and childcare equally. I would never consider marrying a guy who thought my career came after his, and many guys still do. But yes my personal experience (doesn't pertain to everyone's experience) is that guys who make a lot of money expect their wife to either stay at home or spend more time cooking, cleaning and childcare. These guys of course expect the wife to take his name because he's "the head of the household".

 

I'm sure there are guys like these who don't care, but haven't met any. I've also met guys who made less but still wanted me to take their names.

[Tanzi]

I don't believe women who change their names are "brainwashed robots". You can be a perfectly intelligent person but fall into the trap of following a tradition which has a shady history. And to me, it's very clear that the act of changing one's name still has significance such that people associate it with being passive/subsumed. Just refer to the guy who posted earlier in the thread and said that a guy who would hyphenate his own name would be regarded as "whipped" by his peers. I mean, just stop a bunch of random guys on the street and ask them if they would be comfortable taking on their wife's last name. I'm sure their responses would be telling.

 

I think we are going to have to accept that, for the most part, rightly or wrongly, women are happy to take on their partners name. It doesn't mean we are being passive or subsumed. We are following a tradition that our fore-mothers followed before us. If for some reason a particular individual wants to break tradition then so be it. If her husband is willing for her to break with tradition then so be that too. If he isn't then there is a problem. If a women doesn't want to take a man's name it doesn't mean that the man has to take hers, soley or hyphenated. They can have different surnames if they so wish.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Ironic.

 

Not being dramatic, but it's definitely your perogative to interpret my use of the word "people" to mean "YOU", just as it's my perogative to interpret your suggestion that I 'open [my] mind a little' was worded to imply that it is, in fact, closed...

 

Debating is the most fun, and simultaneously gruelling when you get to the finer points.;D

 

lol, so should I have said "a little more" and then you'd be happy? And you know that your post was somewhat directed to me, although it didn't exactly look like it. If you go back to our posts, I said some other things that you interpreted incorrectly and you admitted it too. But anyways, I didn't get offended and I wasn't trying to offend you either. Sorry if it seemed that way.

[Sanesoul]

I've said this before, but for me, changing my last name meant releasing my old family and gaining a new one. I love it that me, hubby and my daughter all share the same last name. I wouldn't have it any other way.

[DN]

Moderator Note: please keep posts on topic and avoid ad hominem (or perhaps I should say ad feminem) attacks.

[lostnscared]

WW never came back. I'm still curious about her upcoming wedding to B.

[FarthestEdge]

Moderator Note: please keep posts on topic and avoid ad hominem (or perhaps I should say ad feminem) attacks.

 

ok THAT was funny!

[FarthestEdge]

lol, so should I have said "a little more" and then you'd be happy? And you know that your post was somewhat directed to me, although it didn't exactly look like it. If you go back to our posts, I said some other things that you interpreted incorrectly and you admitted it too. But anyways, I didn't get offended and I wasn't trying to offend you either. Sorry if it seemed that way.

 

Peace (I'd insert a smiley offering a handshake....but I can't find them!)

[Tanzi]

My ex-husband was a high earner and, OK, so he is now my ex-husband and I chose to be a stay-at-home mum but it was never expected of me. If I had wanted to go back to my career I could have. I am not sure that it can be said that guys who earn a lot of money automatically want their wife to stay at home or to take their name. Also, my ex-husband would never have look upon himself as the head of the household.

 

Like you say you have met guys who earnt less but still wanted you to take their names (incidentally how many times have you been asked this?) so I'm not sure the two are connected in the least but, well, who knows. Do we really care, as long as we find someone who we are compatible with and who values our opinions?

[truegrit]

WOW, this has got a little crazy must have hit some nerves Can't we just say that we live in a country where we have a choice and it is a personal choice between a husband and wife? I do agree tho that if a man said he wouldn't marry me if I refused to change my name I would just probably assume he didn't love me enough or respect my opinions enough to be really serious about marrying me.

 

I really don't see where it is a big deal as long everyone is happy with their last name. Like I say I really don't care what my last name is. I guess being adopted makes me not care, but I like to think I am MORE than a silly bunch of letters tacked on to my person........

 

Carry on girls

[Tanzi]

WW never came back. I'm still curious about her upcoming wedding to B.

 

Same here. I am also curious as to what she would make of her thread.

[newwave]

Btw, I don't care that a woman takes her husband's name. However by the same token some people need to respect that it's not for everyone to do so. For some (like me) it really is inconvenient to do. It doesn't mean we love our hypothetical spouses less, we just don't see the purpose for US. In a previous post I've explained why for me it's a bad idea. If I'm not mistaken most of the women taking their husband's name are much younger, probably haven't really started a career or not planning to have one at all. I think most of us who won't change our names are older, more career experience and these things make a difference. If I was getting married at 25 I probably wouldn't care as much. In fact I remember when I was 20 and I thought I was going to marry my then boyfriend saying my first name with his.

 

My own mother doesn't get why I won't change my name. We've discussed whether I would change my name if I marry the guy I want. I've told her I don't see a purpose and she said I might like to change it if we have kids. I told her that any kids we would have would carry his last name but I don't see myself taking his name. If anything I might hyphenate the names, or just use his personally. Both his name and mine are somewhat hard to pronounce. If however I don't marry him and marry another I just don't see myself loving another guy to even hyphenating his name and mine. To be honest I've never loved any of my exes (including ones I considered marrying) to even consider taking their name.