Changing your last name...ladies...how did/do you feel?

[newwave]

My ex-husband was a high earner and, OK, so he is now my ex-husband and I chose to be a stay-at-home mum but it was never expected of me. If I had wanted to go back to my career I could have. I am not sure that it can be said that guys who earn a lot of money automatically want their wife to stay at home or to take their name. Also, my ex-husband would never have look upon himself as the head of the household.

 

Like you say you have met guys who earnt less but still wanted you to take their names (incidentally how many times have you been asked this?) so I'm not sure the two are connected in the least but, well, who knows. Do we really care, as long as we find someone who we are compatible with and who values our opinions?

 

I've been proposed to three times I believe. This has come up in all the cases where they wanted me to take their names. Like I said all of the men I met who made more than me all wanted stay at home wives and all wanted them to take the last name. I've never met a guy who made considerably more than me who was fine with me keeping my name and working, but I'm sure they exist.

[Lady Rashomon]

I think it's a totally personal choice. When I got married, I didn't change my last name because I see it as a big part of my identity and I have a very personal connection to it (it's also part of my culture, which is different from my husband's). I've never felt a woman should change her last name unless she truly wants to.

 

It is funny, though, because in one of my threads on this board, I was accused of not truly loving my husband because of my unwillingness to change my last name--and it was even suggested that my unwillingness to change my name signaled a lack of commitment to my marriage from the very beginning. It's not the first time I've heard that argument made.

[Fudgie]

I think the whole "you don't love your husband if you don't take his name" is a load of bull. I've heard the same argument on this board and I'm not naming names, but people need to stop bullying other people to be "like them".

[greywolf]

I find that a very reason strange to be honest. Why is it important at all to have the same last name as your mom's?!! My mom has her own last name and I love her to bits. Her last name is also so much better than mine. Another reason I like her last name is that it reminds me of her family and my grandparents.

 

Actually, it's pretty important. Otherwise the mother would have to have documentation that they are indeed her children, but people never question it if the last name is the same. For example, my stepdad never adopted me, so by law, he's not my father. But since he has the last name as I, he never has to prove that he's my father. It is assumed that he is my father because we share the same last name. So when I was under 18 and I needed a parent for something, he could easily step in and take that role. This would be much more difficult with different last names.

[newwave]

I think it's a totally personal choice. When I got married, I didn't change my last name because I see it as a big part of my identity and I have a very personal connection to it (it's also part of my culture, which is different from my husband's). I've never felt a woman should change her last name unless she truly wants to.

 

It is funny, though, because in one of my threads on this board, I was accused of not truly loving my husband because of my unwillingness to change my last name--and it was even suggested that my unwillingness to change my name signaled a lack of commitment to my marriage from the very beginning. It's not the first time I've heard that argument made.

 

I think the whole "you don't love your husband if you don't take his name" is a load of bull. I've heard the same argument on this board and I'm not naming names, but people need to stop bullying other people to be "like them".

 

Yes! I agree with Fudgie and Lady Rashomon. I get so sick of people stating that because we won't change our names we must not love the guy. Wrong. Sure love plays a part, but with name change there is much more. For instance if I changed my name I'd have to spend hours filling out paperwork, time I could spend on other things. Many women think it's so romantic to change the names but don't realize it's much more than romantic. Then what if the marriage goes away? I wouldn't want to keep the name of a man I divorced who beat me or cheated (not that I'd marry a guy like that, just saying). I could change it then but that's more paperwork and doesn't it cost money to change the name too? I think it might. I just love when people say we have a lack of commitment for not changing our names. Then why not let the guy change his? It's NOT a lack of commitment, it's that it just doesn't make sense in all cases.

[Tanzi]

I've been proposed to three times I believe. This has come up in all the cases where they wanted me to take their names. Like I said all of the men I met who made more than me all wanted stay at home wives and all wanted them to take the last name. I've never met a guy who made considerably more than me who was fine with me keeping my name and working, but I'm sure they exist.

 

Wow, do you really have this conversation with every guy you meet?

[newwave]

Wow, do you really have this conversation with every guy you meet?

 

I've dated a lot. These were all serious relationships. No I don't have the marriage conversation with every guy, just ones I think might become serious.

[OptomisticGirl]

And you have the tight, just as I have one to change it. Doesn't make me his property, a slave to tradition, or submissive.

[greywolf]

I don't think of my last name as a link to my family/father. In fact, if I did, I'd change it immediately. But I do think of it as my name; the one I've had since i was born, and since it is mine, I am attached to it. I have thought about switching it to my mother's maiden name because my mother's side is my real family, while my father's is not. However, my mother's maiden name is not a white last name, so it is a major factor in why I have not decided to change it.

 

So as I said earlier, changing my last name to my husband's would depend on a lot of factors, and if my children were to have my husband's last name, I am not keen on the idea of having a last name different from my children.

 

But isn't that throwing the baby out with the bathwater? Why label a guy traditional in all respects just because he prefers his wife to take his last name?

 

My post was in reply to the poster who said that a man's friends would laugh at him if his wife didn't take his last name because it is tradition.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Actually, it's pretty important. Otherwise the mother would have to have documentation that they are indeed her children, but people never question it if the last name is the same. For example, my stepdad never adopted me, so by law, he's not my father. But since he has the last name as I, he never has to prove that he's my father. It is assumed that he is my father because we share the same last name. So when I was under 18 and I needed a parent for something, he could easily step in and take that role. This would be much more difficult with different last names.

 

Well, that's the problem of law and the culture here that just assumes two people are related if they have the same last name and requires that for mothers too. And I don't think there is anything bad with providing documentation in normal situations(yours seem to be a complicated one). My mother has a different last name and not once did she need to provide docs as far as I remember (in nonlegal situations), perhaps because where we were living it was not expected. It was just never even considered an issue. It becomes an issue here because it is culturally expected.

[newwave]

Well, that's the problem of law and the culture here that just assumes two people are related if they have the same last name and requires that for mothers too. And I don't think there is anything bad with providing documentation in normal situations(yours seem to be a complicated one). My mother has a different last name and not once did she need to provide docs as far as I remember (in nonlegal situations), perhaps because where we were living it was not expected. It was just never even considered an issue. It becomes an issue here because it is culturally expected.

 

I think the whole issue of the mother having the same last name is kind of far fetched in this day and age. I know so many women who've been married several times and took all their exhusband's names. They have kids with the father's names. They'd have to change all of the kid's last names to match theirs everytime they marry and that's so unreasonable. Besides, then it's not fair to change the kid's name to a stepdad instead of the father, especially if he's still around.

[Fudgie]

My post was in reply to the poster who said that a man's friends would laugh at him if his wife didn't take his last name because it is tradition.

 

haha...too funny.

 

I can see the benefits and the desire to change your name, but I think it's awfully silly when people say "well the lady needs to change her name because of people will make fun of me/make fun of us/think you don't love me/etc." Since when should the opinions of other people come into play in such an important choice as a name change? Like I said, my ex told me people would think badly of us if I did not change his name but I called bull. He was just being insecure and didn't want to admit that HE wanted me to change my name simply because he felt it would symbolize that I loved him. It had nothing to do with other people.

 

Well buddy, if you think a name change ALONE can make or break a marriage, you have another thing coming.

[newwave]

If a guy is being bullied because of this he either needs new friends or needs to stop worrying about what others think. If some guy said that to me first I'd laugh, then I'd probably dump him.

[Fudgie]

I did end up dumping my ex with time, not because of what he said, but he had rampant insecurity, which explains why he was pressuring me into the idea of taking his last name.

 

I think it just has to be up to the woman...not even so much the husband, the woman. It's her name. Unless you plan to have kids and/or hyphenate the names, whether or not she keeps her maiden name or not isn't really any of his business. Yeah, he can have input, but I think it should always be up to her. She's the one who is going to have to live with it.

 

Sadly, some people will always give you crud. My mom's mom (my grandmother) STILL eggs on my mom "ohhhhhh dear why didn't you change your name to your husbands. ______ is such a NICE name!" and she will even address letters to my mother using my father's last name.

 

It absolutely infuriates my mother. My father and I both agree it's pretty darn disrespectful. I don't wish that upon anyone.

[newwave]

Ok, this brings up another point I hadn't thought of. Let's just say someone who's not changing her name gets married. Does anyone think she should let people know? Sounds weird but I was remembering an incident years ago. Someone I know was not changing her name. I think on the wedding invites there was mention of this but can't remember now. Anyway, at the wedding and reception she let everyone know she was NOT changing her name. The minister still addressed her as "Mrs So and So" and she was angry but let it go. Then at the reception she had told the DJ NOT to address her by her husband's name but he still did. She was livid by this point. She made an announcement she wasn't changing her name and you could hear the gasps. The wedding gifts were addressed to Mrs and Mr and when she wrote back she let them know she wasn't changing her name.

 

What do you think she should have done? I agree with her but others didn't.

[Fudgie]

Well, tough nuts on them, it's her choice and I'm glad she stuck by it!

 

When I get married, I'm letting them know on the invitation. I think just saying their regular last names on the wedding invite isn't enough becase people assume that they will change.

 

Honestly, if you want something to be done differently at a wedding, you pretty much have to tell people upfront what is going to happen or else they expect nothing but tradition.

 

For example, on my wedding invite, I'd mention

-not changing my name, no kids under 18 years, no alcohol, no dancing, no intoxicated people admitted, no "sexy" gifts because my new husband would be embarassed

 

Yes, people really do need to be told when something happens that is against "tradition".

[Tanzi]

If changing your name is something you want to do then, yes, it is romantic. There isn't really much more to it than that. In the grand scheme of things the paperwork doesn't take up much time at all and it is kinda exciting. When my marriage ended I kept my married name. It was an easy decision to make. It means I have the same name as my children and I was used to it. I didn't feel the need to change it. It is who I am now. A mother ... to my ex-husband's children. I can completely understand why someone would want to change it back however.

[Tanzi]

I think the whole issue of the mother having the same last name is kind of far fetched in this day and age. I know so many women who've been married several times and took all their exhusband's names. They have kids with the father's names. They'd have to change all of the kid's last names to match theirs everytime they marry and that's so unreasonable. Besides, then it's not fair to change the kid's name to a stepdad instead of the father, especially if he's still around.

 

I wouldn't say it is necessary but neither would I say it was far fetched for a mother to want to have the same name as her children. Remember, these are all choices that we have the power to make for ourselves. There is nothing far-fetched about it, it is simply a choice. As for the women who have been married several times they wouldn't have been able to change their children's surnames without the fathers permission.

[RougeKali823]

I won't be changing my last name, I don't want to go through the trouble and plus I have accomplished a lot under my name.

[OptomisticGirl]

There are good reasons to do it and not to do it. Are the reasons to do it in tradition? Sure. Does that make those of us doing it a lesser of a woman? No. I don't believe my identity is sourrounded by my name alone, but I can see where for some it does. I can understand why some women don't want to keep their ex husbands names and others who do, whether for the kids or not. CS never asked me to change my name. He asked me was I going to and I said yes. I have been my maiden name my whole life. I'm ready to start my new life with my husband with his name, our family name. Just because my children won't hold my maiden name doesn't make them any less a part of my family.

[Wayfara]

Well I wouldn't take my partner's name in a same-sex marriage so it would be weird if I would have a different viewpoint if I was marrying a guy (I'm bi). My last name and the last name of my partner have the same value, I wouldn't expect my husband to take my last name so I wouldn't want him to expect me to take his. Me not taking his last name might be a dealbreaker for him but if he has that particular dealbreaker that's a dealbreaker for me, we wouldn't share the same values.

 

For some women it's romantic/practial to take her husband's last name for some women it isn't. I think it's each to their own, it's a personal choice

[newwave]

Well, tough nuts on them, it's her choice and I'm glad she stuck by it!

 

When I get married, I'm letting them know on the invitation. I think just saying their regular last names on the wedding invite isn't enough becase people assume that they will change.

 

Honestly, if you want something to be done differently at a wedding, you pretty much have to tell people upfront what is going to happen or else they expect nothing but tradition.

 

For example, on my wedding invite, I'd mention

-not changing my name, no kids under 18 years, no alcohol, no dancing, no intoxicated people admitted, no "sexy" gifts because my new husband would be embarassed

 

Yes, people really do need to be told when something happens that is against "tradition".

 

I think that's what I'll do too when I marry. On the invite I'll make it known I'm not changing my name. I'll tell the priest I won't be and I make sure everyone knows. Instead of calling me Mrs, the DJ can address me as either "the bride" or as my first name. She also walked out of a woman only bridal shower a relative held for her as well (I'd do the same thing myself).

[OptomisticGirl]

She also walked out of a woman only bridal shower a relative held for her as well (I'd do the same thing myself).

 

And why???

[FarthestEdge]

I think that's what I'll do too when I marry. On the invite I'll make it known I'm not changing my name. I'll tell the priest I won't be and I make sure everyone knows. Instead of calling me Mrs, the DJ can address me as either "the bride" or as my first name. She also walked out of a woman only bridal shower a relative held for her as well (I'd do the same thing myself).

 

And why???

 

Apparently, some people have trouble saying "I realize it's unconventional, but it's what my husband and I have chosen to do.....So, who is this beautifully wrapped gift from?"

 

Either that, or they like having a reason to go Bridezilla on people who are only attempting to celebrate with them - even if they are unclear or confused on the finer details of the nuptuals.....

[OptomisticGirl]

I"m wondering why she walked out of an all woman Bridal shower though...