Changing your last name...ladies...how did/do you feel?

[sweetpea03]

I don't get why people think their name is part of their identity... It's a last name. Who you are as a person is your identity, not what your last name is. My last name is rare, very few people have it. My boyfriend's last name is more popular, but that's totally fine. I want to have his last name. I feel like it's part of us becoming a family. I don't want to have separate last names, as I think that would be odd.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I heard from women who got divorced that this whole name changing was a pain for them. They all said they would never do that again if they get married. Clearly, most marriages are not as stable as family relationships....just something to think about.

[hers]

I heard from women who got divorced that this whole name changing was a pain for them. They all said they would never do that again if they get married. Clearly, most marriages are not as stable as family relationships....just something to think about.

 

yeah that's a good point. if and/or when you and B's relationship ends for good, woudl you change it back to your maiden name?

[DN]

Juat as a matter of interest - in Iceland a son takes his fathers christian name as his surname (adding -son) and sometimes, but not always, a woman takes her mothers (adding dottir). People are formally addressed by their first names.

 

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[OptomisticGirl]

I heard from women who got divorced that this whole name changing was a pain for them. They all said they would never do that again if they get married. Clearly, most marriages are not as stable as family relationships....just something to think about.

 

Depends if there are children. My mother kept my father's name after their divorce so she had the same last name as us kids.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Depends if there are children. My mother kept my father's name after their divorce so she had the same last name as us kids.

 

I find that a very reason strange to be honest. Why is it important at all to have the same last name as your mom's?!! My mom has her own last name and I love her to bits. Her last name is also so much better than mine. Another reason I like her last name is that it reminds me of her family and my grandparents.

[sweetpea03]

I heard from women who got divorced that this whole name changing was a pain for them. They all said they would never do that again if they get married. Clearly, most marriages are not as stable as family relationships....just something to think about.

 

Well you would hope people don't go into marriage planning for divorce! Why would you be thinking about "if I get divorced, it would be a pain to change my name back".

[hers]

my mom has a different last name from me and my sister. we have our dad's name, my mom has her maiden name (she changed it after they got divorced). never made a difference to us. only time it was ever an issue was when our friends in school called her "Mrs. (our last name)". but nothing major or anything.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Well you would hope people don't go into marriage planning for divorce! Why would you be thinking about "if I get divorced, it would be a pain to change my name back".

 

I wouldn't think that because that's not my tradition to change names to begin with. But it's just smart and realistic to always see what might happen in the future and plan for it. Divorce rate is pretty high and even if you don't ever want a divorce, you can never control what your husband does or feel in future.

 

You guys are on ENA. You daily read posts about seemingly great marriages/relationships going sour. There is no reason to think this will never happen to you.

 

my mom has a different last name from me and my sister. we have our dad's name, my mom has her maiden name (she changed it after they got divorced). never made a difference to us. only time it was ever an issue was when our friends in school called her "Mrs. (our last name)". but nothing major or anything.

 

Yeah, people often call my mom with my dad's last name too, which is fine. And it's sometimes because they don't know my mom's last name. I think going through the whole legal name change is a pain.

[FarthestEdge]

I find that a very reason strange to be honest. Why is it important at all to have the same last name as your mom's?!! My mom has her own last name and I love her to bits. Her last name is also so much better than mine. Another reason I like her last name is that it reminds me of her family and my grandparents.

 

Well you are an adult. To a child, it can be a very important thing, especially when they are going through the confusion already of having their home and family fragmented. I would maintain my childs name at a minimum until they were adults.

 

Interestingly enough, even if I remarried, I believe I would keep my childs given name. Because I would want my child to feel as though our connection was not being severed or compromised in any way by my new relationship.

 

Family names are an integral part of the family construct for children.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Well you are an adult. To a child, it can be a very important thing, especially when they are going through the confusion already of having their home and family fragmented. I would maintain my childs name at a minimum until they were adults.

 

Interestingly enough, even if I remarried, I believe I would keep my childs given name. Because I would want my child to feel as though our connection was not being severed or compromised in any way by my new relationship.

 

Family names are an integral part of the family construct for children.

 

hmm, I am an adult now but I was a child before. And I don't remember it ever being a problem for me. I mean, I just can't understand how it can confuse a child. It's very easy, there are two last names in your family, one for mommy, one for daddy.

[OptomisticGirl]

I find that a very reason strange to be honest. Why is it important at all to have the same last name as your mom's?!! My mom has her own last name and I love her to bits. Her last name is also so much better than mine. Another reason I like her last name is that it reminds me of her family and my grandparents.

 

Because when you are a child going through a divorce, especially when your parents marriage was such a cluster hell like mine was, you grab for anything remotely comfortable. My mother chose not to change her name despite the fact my dad abused her and cheated on her so that us kids wouldn't feel 'abandoned'. No one can explain why we would have felt that way. She has since remarried and obviously doesn't have our last name anymore but we aren't kids anymore. My best friend's mother got married after she divorced my best friend's father and then when her second marriage ended in divorce changed her name BACK to her 1st married name so her daughter wouldn't be the only one with that last name in the family.

[OptomisticGirl]

hmm, I am an adult now but I was a child before. And I don't remember it ever being a problem for me. I mean, I just can't understand how it can confuse a child. It's very easy, there are two last names in your family, one for mommy, one for daddy.

 

Were your parents divorced or was it always your mom using her maiden name?

[Batya33]

It can be an added complication/problem for things like doctor's appointments, emergency situations, school records, etc.

 

I remember the last name tradition in Iceland when I visited there- it must confuse them when foreigners move there with their different tradition!

[FarthestEdge]

Because when you are a child going through a divorce, especially when your parents marriage was such a cluster hell like mine was, you grab for anything remotely comfortable. .

 

This is it in a nutshell. Granted each child reacts differently, and not every child would NEED this, but its something I would choose to do in the hope that it would help what would no doubt be a difficult situation.

 

Plus after having that name for a long time, you face the same dilemma first-time brides face with this question. You are known, personally and profesionally by this name, and it just might not be worth it to go through it.

 

I also know a woman whose husband walked out after 28 years. She was catholic, and she kept her name saying "I made a promise before God. I can't help it if he chooses not to keep his promise, but I will keep mine" She eventually moved on, but after all that time, her name is part of who she is, and she's not interested in reverting to her maiden name. To her, that would feel like she's a 16 year old in a 56 year old woman's body.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Were your parents divorced or was it always your mom using her maiden name?

 

No, they're still together and much happier than before. My mom always had her dad's last name, never changed her name. Even if they did get divorced, I'm sure us having a different last name than our mom's would never even cross our minds as a problem.

[Fudgie]

My parents never divorced and my mom kept her maiden name. Never was a problem for me or my sibs.

 

When you're young, its always "mommy" and "daddy" anyway, not Mr______ and Mrs_______.

 

People used to refer to my mom as Mrs. My dads last name and irked her. It irked me too because that wasn't her name. Id correct people. It was while before I realized that women changed their names sometimes and I remember thinking "wow! That's weird! Why the heck would you do that?"

 

Of course now I get why but that doesn't make me ever want to do it.

 

Here's some perspective: with my first love, I almost considered having a child with him in the future because he wanted one, not me. And I really dislike kids. (Yes I was young at the time, id never consider it now) But when it came to my name? No way. I told him that and he was fine with it but not initially. I told him he could change his if he wanted to but mine was staying the same.

 

Guess some things never change.

 

Ill tell you what I look forward to in marriage, not the name change (won't happen) but being legally joined and being each others health proxies and having legal benefits. And wedding cake and waking up next to him everyday. That's what I want the most.

[Tanzi]

My name, at least for me, is defined by my family

 

But what is a family name? In the same sense that we take on our husbands' names (if we so wish) so do our children (traditionally). We, as children, generally take on our fathers' names. That then becomes the name we grow up with and, as demonstrated on this thread, feel strongly about. Yet that is only half of who we are. That is only half our identity.

 

Family to me is (or rather was) my husband, myself and our children. Of course my parents are still family and my background is important to me but the dynamics change when you marry and have children. It was equally important to me to create a united family name for my children as my parents did, the one I was thus born to. Of course the fact that my husband left me has now rather taken the situation out of my hands.

 

I will be happy to take on my bf's surname but it does mean that I will have a different name to my children. As things stand, and even though I am divorced, I have kept my married name. I used to think that when or if I remarried I would hyphenate my name and so to my childrens (at least while at school) but, firstly, my bf's name would not hyphenate well and, secondly, I don't really think its appropriate to take my ex-husband's name with me into my new marriage!

 

I would not under any circumstances wish to change my children's surname but I could argue that when my husband left and divorced me I should be quite within my rights to change my children's name to my maiden name if I was doing the same and if I so wished. It is MY name afterall and the other half of their identity and one they should equally be entitled to. However I can only do so with his permission. But that is a completely different argument ...

[sweetpea03]

I wouldn't think that because that's not my tradition to change names to begin with. But it's just smart and realistic to always see what might happen in the future and plan for it. Divorce rate is pretty high and even if you don't ever want a divorce, you can never control what your husband does or feel in future.

 

You guys are on ENA. You daily read posts about seemingly great marriages/relationships going sour. There is no reason to think this will never happen to you.

 

That doesn't mean I should keep my last name because I "might" get divorced later on. My parents are not divorced and neither are many other couples I know. Relationships can last and will last if you work at them. I read a lot of stories on here about people who made very bad choices, but it's not a deterrent to change my name. I fully plan on changing my last name and see absolutely no problem with it. My boyfriend has always said it would be my decision if I want to change it or not and I want to. I'm not going to assume that because statistically the divorce rate is high, that I should have to plan for a divorce later on. That's a sad way to begin a marriage.

[Batya33]

Does it affect your decision that you are keeping your daddy's name but won't take another man's name? I am not criticizing your decision at all just wondering if you ever thought of it that way.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Does it affect your decision that you are keeping your daddy's name but won't take another man's name? I am not criticizing your decision at all just wondering if you ever thought of it that way.

 

Let's see....My last name to me is not just my daddy's name. All these twenty something years I've been called with this last name, I had accomplishments that you can find knowing this last name. Besides, daddy is the guy who I am genetically related to, he have and will always love me, did a lot of things for me, still does and will do while he is alive. I'm not saying a husband won't but I somehow doubt he can ever love me as unconditionally as a father and he probably will bail out on me once I'm not a good wife anymore. He can just come here and people will tell him "get rid of her ASAP" but they will tell my dad "she is still your daughter!". So yeah, I think it's not fair to compare dads to other man that come to our lives.

 

Again, I don't think this tradition is a bad thing and I even understand the appeal, it's just not as necessary and important as people feel it is.

[FarthestEdge]

Besides, daddy is the guy who I am genetically related to

 

Alternatively, I choose to look at my husband as the one person I choose to be related to. The rest of my family, including my maiden name, was thrust upon me by accident of birth. So I don't look at taking his name as a subservient thing at all. I look at it as choosing my identity, rather than just accepting what was bestowed upon me.

 

I think it really comes down to how you choose to percieve the underlying meaning, whether it be one of ownership, tradition, independance, family...A valid case can be made for either choice. Which is why, at the end of the day, you should do what feels right to you overall.

[Tanzi]

Alternatively, I choose to look at my husband as the one person I choose to be related to

 

^^I like this ^^

[Sparkly Eyes]

Alternatively, I choose to look at my husband as the one person I choose to be related to. The rest of my family, including my maiden name, was thrust upon me by accident of birth. So I don't look at taking his name as a subservient thing at all. I look at it as choosing my identity, rather than just accepting what was given to me.

 

That's an interesting way to look at it, although I wonder why a man never "chooses" to be related to a woman by changing his last name. So yeah, although you are choosing, you can't deny the influence of traditions in what you are choosing. If I wanted to choose and felt like going through name changing process, I would probably choose my mom's last name. She is the person I love the most in my life and I'd be proud to have my last name like hers. Besides, she doesn't have a brother so none of the grand kids have the same last name as my mom's family.

[OptomisticGirl]

No, they're still together and much happier than before. My mom always had her dad's last name, never changed her name. Even if they did get divorced, I'm sure us having a different last name than our mom's would never even cross our minds as a problem.

 

As an adult it wouldn't bother you. Didn't bother me when my mom changed hers a few years ago. As an eight year old child though? Add on that the divorce yes, it can be confusing for a child.