Changing your last name...ladies...how did/do you feel?

[FarthestEdge]

That's an interesting way to look at it, although I wonder why a man never "chooses" to be related to a woman by changing his last name. So yeah, although you are choosing, you can't deny the influence of traditions in what you are choosing. If I wanted to choose and felt like going through name changing process, I would choose my mom's last name. She is the person I love the most in my life and I'd be proud to have my last name like hers.

 

Well I could deny the influence, except for me, sure it plays a role. However, if DH had wanted a new name for both of us, I could have gotten on board with that too. Honestly, the influence was more his desire for the tradition. It would have been a bigger deal to him if I had not taken his name, than it would have been for me to keep my maiden name. Since it matters more to him, and he is the person I am choosing to spend my life with, then I am willing to do it his way.

 

There would be many for whom the tradition per se, plays no role. People who had horrible parents or upbringings who wanted to be rid of their family name, for example. Why would they NOT want to assume the name of the person who brought happiness into their lives, and abandon the one from those who caused pain? Nothing to do with tradition there.

 

As for your mom, that's a lovely sentiment. But personally, I feel that any marriage entered into where the PARENTS remain of primary importance over the spouse are doomed to failure. The whole point of marriage, in my eyes is to build a life together, to rely on one another, and at the risk of getting biblical, "forsake all others"....not just sexually (as I believe is the intent of that phrase), but in loyalty. DH comes first.

 

We all think that 'blood is thicker than water" and that our parents will never abandon us. But I'd wager most of us know at least one person whose parent has abandoned their child in one way or another. There are no guarantees. But to marry someone saying "You might leave me one day, so my family is going to come first" creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Who wants to be married to someone who puts them in second place. Would you want to marry a man who would value his mother MORE than you?

[Tanzi]

We all know and have been brought up with the tradition. When we are born we are given our fathers surname. When we marry we are given away by our fathers. That symbolises the change in name. When our children are born the tradition repeats itself. If our parents have different surnames then should we stick with tradition or should we stick with the slightly unconventional route we have chosen and take on our mothers name? That comes down to the parents, of course, but if a women is so set on keeping her maiden name then what is to say that she won't be set on her children taken on her maiden name too?

 

My brother and sister-in-law weren't married when they had their first child, as I wasn't, but whereas I chose to give my daughter her fathers surname (as I knew I would do someday too) by sister-in-law chose to give her new son her maiden name, even though she knew they would marry one day and she would take on my brother's name. When they did marry they then had to go through legal routes to change my nephews name to that of her new one. I know I've deviated somewhat from the issue here but my point is where does it all stop?

 

I guess the reason behind tradition is that it keeps things simplistic!! We know where we are with tradition. Thats not to say of course that I think everyone has to stick with tradition. It worries me not that someone chooses to keep their maiden name. As much as I have bleated on about wanting to take my bf's surname I have had some bf's in the past who have had some pretty horrendous surnames that I would NOT have liked to have taken on ... but neither would I have wanted my children to have grown up with them either. In that case I would have asked them to take on my surname!!

[Sparkly Eyes]

Well, I know my parents, at least my mom will never abandon me. I just know it! Her love is way too deep for her to be wanting to do that. If she would be the kind of person who would do that, then yeah, I wouldn't care to stay related to her by name.

 

An I think that is your mistake...thinking I put the husband in the second place if I refuse to take his last name, not at all, that is not what I meant. I can love a husband to bits and do everything for him and yet decide to be related to someone who brought me into this world and raised me when it comes to my name. And not only that, but just be who I have always been! I don't understand why you guys can't see that.

 

Anyways, your husbands probably feel offended if someone asked them to change their last name....but for some reason when it comes to women, their identity should change or they're not valuing people enough!

[SayWhen]

I think part of why it isn't 100% certain to me that I will change my name has to do with the fact that I work with children and they all call me Ms. ________. If I changed my name I'd have to tell them to call me by another name and that just seems...strange to me. I'd definitely give my children their father's last name...just not sure if I really want to change mine. Also I understand what people say regarding being a family but I think it's more symbolic of becoming property under the man than it is of becoming a family. JMHO. And to me, that also makes it unappealing tho I know that is not how my FH views marriage. I like the idea of coming up with a name together...I might suggest that to my FH.

[Blue Spiral]

I'll never get married or have kids, so this situation isn't really relevant to me...but I do see a logistical problem with the hyphenated approach. If you get married and become the Jones-Smith family, and your kid someday gets married and also hyphenates, the kid would have three (or four) last names. If that became the norm, you'd add a new last name with each generation.

 

I actually like the idea of choosing an entirely new name. You're starting a new life, you're putting your spouse over your blood family...why not pick a new name? It never occurred to me until now that most women never have their own name--they have their father's or husband's. That can't be fun. Given my lack of connection to my family, I'm half-tempted to change mine, now...

[Tanzi]

I actually like the idea of choosing an entirely new name. You're starting a new life, you're putting your spouse over your blood family...why not pick a new name? It never occurred to me until now that most women never have their own name--they have their father's or husband's. That can't be fun. Given my lack of connection to my family, I'm half-tempted to change mine, now...

 

The only problem with that is that we would find it difficult to trace back our family tree or our heritage. Which ever way we do it, whether we change names or keep our own we at least have some connection to our past. Mind you, I guess not everyone cares about their past or where they came from way back when.

[FarthestEdge]

An I think that is your mistake...thinking I put the husband in the second place if I refuse to take his last name, not at all, that is not what I meant. I can love a husband to bits and do everything for him and yet decide to be related to someone who brought me into this world and raised me when it comes to my name. And not only that, but just be who I have always been! I don't understand why you guys can't see that.

 

I can see that. I'm sorry if I misinterpreted you. However, I was also adressing those who have made similar comments in support of keeping their maiden names specifically because they can foresee their partners abandoning them, but not their family.

 

As I have said multiple times, I support each persons right to choose what's right for them. My choice is no less relevant or deliberate or valid because it also happens to align with tradition. I get annoyed with feminists arguing that I promote the idea of women as property by my choices, which is often the undertone of arguing against or belittling my choice. Get off your soapbox and let me live my life. I will not let a bunch of feminists dictate my life any more than I will allow men to choose for me.

 

Nor is it an indictment of what your percieve to be the male expectation. This is my choice and I own it. Whatever others think whatever others choose (men included) is irrelevant. No need to get all up in arms about what 'men' expect. But my partner (who happens to be a man) and his values are as valid as mine and so he deserves some consideration in the matter too.

[Blue Spiral]

The only problem with that is that we would find it difficult to trace back our family tree or our heritage.

 

In the past, that would have been a problem, but now...between public records and social networking, some future great-grandkids would easily be able to figure out their pasts, regardless of name changes. Especially considering that the name changes themselves would be public record.

[Tanzi]

I can understand that there are some people out there who are adamant to keep their own identify. I can also understand that there are those whose quietly follow tradition just because that is just the way it is. There are those out there who take on their husbands name simply because they want to and stuff the tradition. There are those who do it because they believe it is the right thing to do for the sake of their future children whether they are bothered really bothered to or not. At the end of the day we all have different opinions and we are all entitled to them (as long as we aren't hurting others, of course) yet something has to be said for tradition and why it is mostly followed. Its not all about the symbolism, its about having a system that, for the most part, works. It is good that we have tradition and that most people are happy to follow it. However, I see nothing wrong if a few people here and there wish to go against tradition for whatever reason they see fit.

[Tanzi]

In the past, that would have been a problem, but now...between public records and social networking, some future great-grandkids would easily be able to figure out their pasts, regardless of name changes. Especially considering that the name changes themselves would be public record.

 

Yes you have a valid point. Things are different now. However, I was thinking more along the lines of having lived without tradition at all. If our ancestors hadn't stuck with tradition we would have a very long and arduous task on our hands if we were trying to trace them back. I'm not saying we should all stick with tradition or that it still has a place in todays society but it serves a purpose of sorts.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I think what bothered me was that you were telling me I am putting my family first and husband second and yet you think it's perfectly fine for your husband to not want to change his family name and rather encourage/demand other people to choose it. To me, that was just your traditions talking.

 

I stated over and over that I have nothing against such decision and that it is a personal choice. What I insisted on was that it should remain a personal choice rather than something that people expect from a woman. It's totally fine that you and your husband came to this decision together for whatever reason. But don't you agree that it would be a sad world if every man just blindly followed tradition and never thought about why he wants or even needs something like this in the first place? That's perhaps what feminism tries to do, encourage people to think for themselves rather than just going with the way it is.

[newwave]

A guy that's with me couldn't be traditional anyway.

 

Me neither. I don't date traditional guys and broke it off with traditional guys.

[Batya33]

I am very connected to my family, my past, my accomplishments under my former name which I kept professionally. People have been constructing family trees for centuries and the name changes never obliterated someone's past- you simply check marriage records which are even easier to do now. On networking sites I use my married name but am searchable under both.

[Batya33]

A guy that's with me couldn't be traditional anyway.

 

But isn't that throwing the baby out with the bathwater? Why label a guy traditional in all respects just because he prefers his wife to take his last name?

[FarthestEdge]

1) I was demanding you do no such thing. You stated "She is the person I love the most in my life" as an explanation as to why, if you were going to take anyones name, it would be hers. Which is where I percieved you as putting her before your (future) husband. Furthermore, go re-read my posts. Tell me where I have DEMANDED that anyone do anything? You are injecting your own bias into this, assuming ALL women who change their names are brainwashed by mysongynistic men and 'tradition". It simply isn't so. And again, you attribute my decision as 'just your traditions talking' because my personal choice opposes your view- so you have to assume I'm some idiot who can't make up her own mind, and just follows the masses.

 

2) This thread isn't about what MEN should WANT. It's about the CHOICES women MAKE. Attacking men en masse for accepting something, because it's tradition is pointless. The only man whose opinion matters is your spouses. You're derailing the issue to make it one about how men are all backwards and oppressive. And yet, I don't think a single man has even commented on this thread. (I may be wrong). The OP is a woman, looking to get feedback on her decision, and you're all --Oh, aren't men horrible and oppressive and mysogynistic because they aren't jumping up and down to give their names away-- Meanwhile, you are VERY SURE to assert your right to keep your own????

 

3) "Feminism" has become in many ways, about simply doing the OPPOSITE of what feminists THINK the world is trying to FORCE them to do. The feminist movement is now like a defiant teenager IMO. MAny feminists are all too happy to accept discrimination when it benefits THEM, (when firms are FORCED to hire a target % of women, regardless of skill), but will scream blue murder if men try to keep anything for themselves (a women's-only gym is A-OK, but a mens-only gym will find itself picketed by a group of feminist shouting sexism". It doesn't represent me in any way. I am not 'liberated', I was never oppressed. I am an equal person under the law. Which means that the MEN are ALSO equal. In the world AND especially in my marriage.

 

Again, for the final time. My choices are MINE. My reasons are MINE. And I believe that equality means we ALL have the right to CHOOSE for ourselves. What any one person, male or female, SHOULD choose is not for me to say. I pay no attention to what other's 'expectations' of my personal life are. The only opinions that matter within my marriage are that of me and my spouse.

[Sparkly Eyes]

But isn't that throwing the baby out with the bathwater? Why label a guy traditional in all respects just because he prefers his wife to take his last name?

 

He might not be traditional. But it's apparent why people assume that. If you go to places that don't have this tradition, there are probably a few men preferring or caring about it. What does that tell you?

[FarthestEdge]

Me neither. I don't date traditional guys and broke it off with traditional guys.

 

But you won't marry anyone who's divorced because you MUST get married in a catholic church? Really? Can't get more traditional than that NW....just sayin'

[newwave]

But you won't marry anyone who's divorced because you MUST get married in a catholic church? Really? Can't get more traditional than that NW....just sayin'

 

That's a religious issue that has no point in this and which I'm not going to discuss.

[lostnscared]

But you won't marry anyone who's divorced because you MUST get married in a catholic church? Really? Can't get more traditional than that NW....just sayin'

 

Honestly that is what I was thinking as well.. NW on several posts you've indicated that you are traditional. In terms of your view on sex, pregnancy, marriage, etc... So I'm confused by your statement about not wanting traditional men. Did you mean in the context of you don't want a man that expects you to be a SAHM(something you've mentioned in other threads)?

[newwave]

I have to agree with the person who mentioned the traditional reason women changed her last name: because she was property. From an early age we women are told that if we love the man we wll change our name. However men are never told to change their name. When a man requires this, he's trying to force his authority and does anyone want to marry a guy where this is a big deal? I wouldn't. Sure it can be easier for everyone to have the same name but with divorce rampant no guarantee that will happen. It is a lot of work to change the name and it puts more pressure on women. It's bad enough the woman gets stuck doing a lot more of the wedding planning, this adds to it.

 

Btw, I've become more moderate on this issue. A few years ago I never would have considered even the hyphenating alternate. The only reason believe it or not I've considered this is because of any future children. If I have kids on their birth certificate I want it known I am married to the dad. Otherwise I wouldn't even consider it. Recently when talking to my mom about this she asked if I would take the last name of the guy I want if we married. I said I doubted it but she said it might be important to him being an only child. I hadn't considered that, but still see no purpose changing my name. After all, why should I be the one to change my name and not a man?

 

Strangely, a few years ago when I was living with a man I sometimes got mail addressed to my first name and his last name. I'm not sure why this happened, but I didn't think this was cute or romantic.

[newwave]

Honestly that is what I was thinking as well.. NW on several posts you've indicated that you are traditional. In terms of your view on sex, pregnancy, marriage, etc... So I'm confused by your statement about not wanting traditional men. Did you mean in the context of you don't want a man that expects you to be a SAHM(something you've mentioned in other threads)?

 

Right, I want a man who doesn't expect me to be a stay at home mom, but is traditional on the other aspects (shotgun marriages, etc). I have found a man like that, the one I like so they are out there.

[Tanzi]

Right, I want a man who doesn't expect me to be a stay at home mom, but is traditional on the other aspects (shotgun marriages, etc). I have found a man like that, the one I like so they are out there.

 

So you want him to have traditional views, but only the ones you agree with

[truegrit]

I am the queen of name changing, LOL! I was adopted so I actually had two maiden names from the get go. Then I married my first husband, changed name, married second husband, changed name again. Now I am on my 3rd marriage after second one died and changed AGAIN! I don't really care what the heck my last name is it isn't who I am, but I will admit it is a huge pain in the rear to go thru all the changing legalities.

 

I think one of the main reasons to change to your both having the last name........I know in certain states a man can change his to his wifes...........either way fine but if there will be children born to this couple I think for the children's sake it is best to have all the same last name as their parents. I also think one of the reasons we have this tradition in this country is to tie the family together as one. Using the hyphenated name for the child as someone earlier said (especially for a boy) would lead to being made fun of by other boys. I think we owe it to our kids to be sure they are given a name that won't cause them ridicule, as kids find enough to bully and make fun of kids anyway. Why put your children thru that needlessly.

 

However, everyone looks at it differently and everyone has their reasons but it seems for me if I respect my husband enough to marry him I would be proud to take his name at least legally and then use my maiden name in a professional way if the situation calls for it.

[Tanzi]

From an early age we women are told that if we love the man we wll change our name.

 

When a man requires this, he's trying to force his authority

 

It's bad enough the woman gets stuck doing a lot more of the wedding planning, this adds to it.

 

Well I for one will only be too happy to take my new husband's name. I haven't been told I have to do it. It isn't because I need to prove I love him and neither is it because he is asserting his authority. It is simply because it is traditional and I want to do it.

 

And I'm not sure that when someone is planning a wedding its looked upon as a bad thing! Isn't it meant to be exciting?

[Sparkly Eyes]

1) I was demanding you do no such thing. You stated "She is the person I love the most in my life" as an explanation as to why, if you were going to take anyones name, it would be hers. Which is where I percieved you as putting her before your (future) husband. Furthermore, go re-read my posts. Tell me where I have DEMANDED that anyone do anything? You are injecting your own bias into this, assuming ALL women who change their names are brainwashed by mysongynistic men and 'tradition". It simply isn't so. And again, you attribute my decision as 'just your traditions talking' because my personal choice opposes your view- so you have to assume I'm some idiot who can't make up her own mind, and just follows the masses.

 

I NEVER said you demanded that. I said you think it's fine for your HUSBAND to encourage or perhaps demand his wife to do that, whichever one applies to him.

 

2) This thread isn't about what MEN should WANT. It's about the CHOICES women MAKE. Attacking men en masse for accepting something, because it's tradition is pointless. The only man whose opinion matters is your spouses. You're derailing the issue to make it one about how men are all backwards and oppressive. And yet, I don't think a single man has even commented on this thread. (I may be wrong). The OP is a woman, looking to get feedback on her decision, and you're all --Oh, aren't men horrible and oppressive and mysogynistic because they aren't jumping up and down to give their names away-- Meanwhile, you are VERY SURE to assert your right to keep your own????

 

What men want and what a woman choice will be are NOT mutually exclusive. So when one comes up, the other one naturally comes up as well. I never said all men are oppressive, where did I say that?!!! You need to read my posts a little better. I said it would be a sad world if every man thought that way.