Changing your last name...ladies...how did/do you feel?

[bulletproof]

My name's pretty great so I probably should stick with it. Then again, I might not get married unless one of us needs insurance or something. And if that happened, we'd go to a courthouse one afternoon. I think there is way too much focus (in the world at large) on names, weddings, gifts, etc., and not enough about the actual relationship or love or the incredible amount of work that goes into being married.

[Circe]

So I had a chat with my husband and I am going to change it. He said it was completely up to me and while he had had a slight preference for me to change it a while ago its far too important an issue for me to decide based on anything but my wishes and he said he loves the way my name looks and sounds and etc.

 

So having gotten a reassurance that he no longer had a preference for me to change it .. I stepped out of the room and came back - and I swear he just looked a tiny bit sad. I'm probably imagining it. But then I started thinking about our first date.. and I'm going to change it.

 

It's a hard call though. For those of you saying your name has nothing to do with your identity.. it is actually the most powerful symbol of your identity. If that means nothing to you it could be because you still have a lot of identity-forming to do? I don't know. I know I wanted to get rid of my name before and take my husbands.. but as the years go by and the surer with myself and happier with myself I become, the more attached I become to the name.

 

It is a hard call..

[OptomisticGirl]

 

It's a hard call though. For those of you saying your name has nothing to do with your identity.. it is actually the most powerful symbol of your identity. If that means nothing to you it could be because you still have a lot of identity-forming to do? I don't know. I know I wanted to get rid of my name before and take my husbands.. but as the years go by and the surer with myself and happier with myself I become, the more attached I become to the name.

 

It is a hard call..

 

For me, it has nothing to do with my identity. If any name is tied to my identity it's my first. My first name has family ties and is very unique, I have only met a hand ful of people with my name. CS is even adament about making my first name the middle name of our 2nd daughter. To me my identity is based on who I am, not what name I have. It's based on my likes, my dislikes, my views on political opinions... it's only my opinion though. I don't view it as the most important part of my identity. I view the most important thing of my identity to be the things that MADE me who I am today. The fact I'm a child of divorce, I witnessed my mother being beaten by my father growing up, my father abandoning, being molested as a child, being on my own since I was 17... those things make me who I am, not my family name, which I just happen to be born into.

 

I suppose I don't have as close as a tie to my maiden family as most others do, I have virtually no contact with anyone else that holds my maiden name other than my siblings. But to me, I'm not JUST my maiden name. I'm my maiden name and a Sullivan, my mother's maiden name because I come from TWO families. And when I marry CS and I take his name I'll have another connection--my family with CS and his family.

 

 

Have you thought of hypenating it Indigo?

[Circe]

OG, I'm not saying it IS your identity - but that it's a symbol of your identity. I mean.. that's pretty much technically what it is. People use it to refer to you the person.. whether that particular symbol matters much to a person or not I'm sure varies greatly (as this thread demonstrates). And I think given how you probably feel about your dad (even if you have forgiven him.. and I don't know whether you have or not) I can completely understand why you'd dissassociate a little from it emotionally. I know that during the time I really wanted to get rid of my surname it was because I linked it strongly to my dad (obviously.. its his name!) who I am not close with and used to have a fair bit of anger towards.. he wasnt very nice to my mum growing up either although he has now changed a lot as a person.

 

Couldn't possibly hyphenate - would look absolutely ridiculous ;-) My surname is very long and also unique (I'm the only person on FB with my full name and there are less than a handful with my surname)... and our names are culturally different so it looks even weirder That said, I'm also the only person on FB with my new full married name because of the combination (and my first name wasn't common anyway - though his surname is extremely common - its basically the equivalent of a "smith" in his ethnic background... but put my first name and his surname together and it looks very unique - and I do like that. Plus it will just confuse the heck out of people when they see it and look at me so that will be cool

[OptomisticGirl]

I really still don't even look at it as a symbol of my identity. To me that is my first name. My maiden name is a well used one whereas my first is very unique, especially in it's spelling. No I haven't forgiven my dad but I'm honestly not emotionally distanced from it. I'm still proud to say I"m my maiden name and that not ALL my family were scumbags and my children will know that although they carry CS's name, they are still my maiden name as well because they are a part of me. I still hold pride in the fact it's my family name but I'm also starting a new family with CS, and I'll take that pride with me when we get married and I change my name. Do I want to change it due to a long tradition? I suppose one could say yes, tradition has something to do with it. But it's also tied into how I view family. I don't want a last name different than my children, I have never had a desire to keep my maiden name once I was married.

 

CS has a pretty unique last name (at least, I have never met anyone with his last name before) and it goes really well with my first name.

[Fudgie]

I think last name could be considered part of your identity depending on how you think about family.

 

The last name is a symbol of your family's identity. How much does that play into your identity? Or are you more into having a new name with which to start a family? It differs.

 

I'm not having children and I see my family as an integral part of who I am, particularly my father. Changing my name would make me feel like I'm "severing" that part of me and going under another name of someone who didnt help raise me, it doesn't sit well with me and that's why I wouldn't do it.

 

I'm half German and half English, my boyfriend's mostly English (we kept to our roots) and his name is remarkably similar to my father's, but I still could never change it.

 

On the other hand, if you're more about creating a "family" in the sense that everyone has the same last name, id totally see why you'd change it. I see marriage as more of a "partnership" not a "family" so I'm different in that regard.

 

Hope this makes more sense now.

[OptomisticGirl]

I see why people view their last names as a symbol of their identity, and there is nothing wrong with that. It's all how we view ourselves, family, and marriage. I view marriage as a partnership and family, so I see it as both I suppose. I suppose it does depend on how close you are to your family. While I have pride in my family name I'm not overly close to anyone (still living, at least). I know if my brother could he would change it in a heart beat.

 

CS's name is, obviously, English, and mine is English/Irish, so I feel like I"m still sticking to that part of my family.

[Fudgie]

Yeah my father and I are extremely close.

 

When it comes to who the most important man is in my life, my father would probably win.

I guess if I planned to have kids, maybe I'd feel different about the family bit. But yeah since it would just be us, its a partnership.

[OptomisticGirl]

Closest man I'm too other than CS is my un biological uncle.

 

I think it does matter if you are having children or not. I can see why if you don't want them why it would be easier to keep the maiden name or hypenate it.

[Fudgie]

My mother kept hers for "practical reasons". You'll laugh when I tell you why.

 

They were both drs working in the same hospital. Had she changed her name, it would have a mess! They had a speaker system for the drs so if someone was needed somewhere ASAP and it said "Dr. Dad's Name" they both would have shown up! Too funny! They said that was ridiculous so my mom kept her name.

 

I think if they hadn't worked in the same profession (because it could still be confusing even if you don't work in the same hospital) then she may have changed it if she wanted to.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yeah, in a professional situation like that I can understand keeping the maiden name in the professional sense. It would just cause more drama. Shoot, my mom is in her second marriage and still uses her first married name, she just puts her first married name (my maiden name) as her middle name rather than her real middle name. I think it helps with school stuff with my brother as well.

 

My ex had a cousin that was very attached to her family name (same as his) and although she changed it to her married name, their first son she named with her family name. Doesn't work in all regards but in her's it did.

[sweetpea03]

My mother kept hers for "practical reasons". You'll laugh when I tell you why.

 

They were both drs working in the same hospital. Had she changed her name, it would have a mess! They had a speaker system for the drs so if someone was needed somewhere ASAP and it said "Dr. Dad's Name" they both would have shown up! Too funny! They said that was ridiculous so my mom kept her name.

 

I think if they hadn't worked in the same profession (because it could still be confusing even if you don't work in the same hospital) then she may have changed it if she wanted to.

 

That would make more sense. Though I know a few doctors who have legally changed their names, but use their maiden name just for work, so that situation you said doesn't happen. Though when I worked at the hospital, there were 2 Dr Gonzales, so they would say their full name to distinguish them. Dr Mark Gonzales and Dr Bryan Gonzales(not their actual names, but an example). It can work both ways.

 

I also think since you are not having kids, it's a different situation. I'm very close with my family. They are all very protective over me, since as a child I went through a lot of surgeries and such. My family is amazing, but I still don't think I'd ever keep my maiden name. I am going to start my own family with my boyfriend and see part of moving into this next stage of life includes me changing my name. It feels like it's more "official" to me.

[Batya33]

I am going to start my own family with my boyfriend and see part of moving into this next stage of life includes me changing my name. It feels like it's more "official" to me.

 

That's interesting since if your bf keeps his name, how will it feel official to him? I don't disagree, it's just interesting how the tradition is so one-sided.

[newwave]

I think children is part of the reason many people change their names. I get that, but it just seems silly if that's the only reason. Marriages break up and many times women change their names a few times. That's the only reason I would consider hyphenating the name, but otherwise I see no reason for me to change my name.

 

I've noticed a few people bring up their dad's and I've seen that myself. Many people I know changed their name because they hated their dad (including a guy I knew). I wonder if family plays a part. My last name is unique but it has a history so I would hate to give that up, especially if the guy I would marry had a common name. My mom used to say that I should change my name because it's hard to pronounce but it's unique.

[OptomisticGirl]

That's interesting since if your bf keeps his name, how will it feel official to him? I don't disagree, it's just interesting how the tradition is so one-sided.

 

To be fair many traditions are one sided though. Let's face it, without tradition we wouldnt have a lot we do have.

[Fudgie]

Yeah I agree many traditions are one-sided...girl gets ring, girl changes name, girl gets proposed to, girl gets walked down the aisle by her father to be "given away" (let's not go into how much that bugs me)....but yeah, its only for one gender.

 

I think these traditions exist for a reason and are fine if people want to do them but I find them to be unequal. I'd rather both people in my relationship get to take part in the same things we both enjoy. As long as I'm not "bound" to these traditions, I don't mind what other people do.

[OptomisticGirl]

Or the wearing the veil in front of your face. God that one annoys me.

[sweetpea03]

Certain traditions are fine with me. Though being walked down the isle, isn't one of them. I don't like all of the attention on me. I hope everyone looks at my boyfriend when we get married. haha.

[newwave]

Yeah I agree many traditions are one-sided...girl gets ring, girl changes name, girl gets proposed to, girl gets walked down the aisle by her father to be "given away" (let's not go into how much that bugs me)....but yeah, its only for one gender.

 

I think these traditions exist for a reason and are fine if people want to do them but I find them to be unequal. I'd rather both people in my relationship get to take part in the same things we both enjoy. As long as I'm not "bound" to these traditions, I don't mind what other people do.

 

 

The funny thing is the whole father walking down the aisle doesn't bother me at all. It used to but I was talking about this to my mother the other night and she told me my dad (he's my biological dad, not a step dad) would be very hurt if I didn't let him walk me down the aisle because he'd be very proud. So yes this tradition is outdated but I'd do it because it means a lot to my dad. Like a relative said, marriage has traditionally been biased against a woman in all respects.

 

Strangely, when I marry I like the veil in front as well (it's called a blusher I found out). I just think it's pretty. Then again I want a long train and veil, and this has changed through the years. I used to prefer just a nice dress and marriage outside. I used to think trains and veils were sexist.

 

I guess my point being that it's fine to take from one tradition but not others. Years ago I would tell women who took their husband's names they were being sexist. Now, I get why they wanted to do it, but I still don't want to. I've come more moderate in this view. If a guy forced me to take his name I would not marry him, but if he preferred it I might consider the hyphenating or using his name at social events. This would depend on many things of course but I still highly doubt I'd completely change my name at this point.

[Fudgie]

Yeah I don't think any of it is really sexist, just not for me.

 

I always took issue with my father walking my down. If my boyfriend and I married, it would be weird because my boyfriend is older than my father. I wouldn't like that.

 

I also wouldn't wear a white dress because a) I don't feel pure or virginal and b) (most importantly) I'm a royal slob and would probably spill stuff on it. Yep I would. Even my boyfriend told me to never wear white because he does the laundry and he doesn't want to "try to get out your chocolate stains on a white dress what a pain!". He's so practical.

 

Anyway I don't think anything bad of women who want to change their name. Just as long as they aren't doing it because the hubby "wants me to." You should only do it if you want to.

[RougeKali823]

My fiance is taking my name, which is pretty uncommon for men, but we like different.

[newwave]

I always thought it was kind of hypocritical if I wore a white dress, especially if I lived with a guy but I would anyway. I would probably look for an offwhite because I am dark. My mother actually says that I would probably spill wine or food on my dress because I do that often anyway.

 

I think when a woman changes her name "because hubby wants it" are being controlled in that way and sends bad vibes to me. It should be her choice and he can give opinion but it comes down to her. I wonder how many women are pressured into this or they don't get married. I've seen this happen often, including a man calling off the wedding because she refused to take his name (though she offered to use it for social events). To me this is a taste of things to come, and he would then start ordering her to do other things like quit her job (seen this). When a guy starts ordering her he's trying to control her and that would not work. That to me is completely different than a guy saying "it would mean a lot if you took my name".

[OptomisticGirl]

My father wouldn't have given me away, my unvle would. My mom wanted to do it but i put my foot down early on.

 

 

See the whole 'white is virginal' is an outdated tradition. Women actua/ly use to wear their best dresses as a wedding gown, and they weren't white.

[greywolf]

My fiance is taking my name, which is pretty uncommon for men, but we like different.

 

Oh, that's cool!

[Sanesoul]

My uncle walked me down the aisle, and he passed away not long ago. It's my most cherished memory of him. He was so proud of me and was beaming when he kissed my cheek. He was my father, not just my uncle.

 

My name change was my own decision, although my hubby wanted me too. His is a strong English last name and it sounds awesome with my first name. Also, the only tie to my maiden name was my abusive, narcissistic father, and I was glad to be rid of it.