Is she wanting her cake and eating it?

[Mrs Popsicle]

Million Dollar Baby? I would have said 'Boys don't cry' but then I'm mean

 

Glad to hear you are doing okay, and I wish you well on your date-you seem surer of yourself and more confident that whatever happens, you're going to be okay-and that's the main thing.

Keep the nonchalance flag flying buddy!

 

Mrs Popsicle

[askltk]

Ha - I hadn't seen it, Million Dollar Baby worked as she does a boxing class at gym! Ha

 

Just got in. Date went ok, not great, but ok. It actually remind me a bit of our first date...a little bit of awkwardness etc.. but I was happy how I came off. Almost felt like she had her guard up, talked alot about her..and I listened. I was open, relaxed, flirty (touchy in places) and confident.

 

After dinner and film I went to drop her home. We bumped into a friend of her sister who was accompanying her to a gig that my ex got tickets for. She introduced me, and said I was going too to complete the 4 (2 pairs). It's not until late march, and I still wasnt sure if I wanted to go!

 

I pulled up at hers, and didnt park (as I hadnt been invited in). She said she would invite me in to watch TV but her family were still up (similar to what she said Friday). Fair enough I thought. There were was some left over Candy from the movies, which she didnt want to take. She decided that she would leave them in my car "for when we have a day out shopping together". I turned it and said "whens that then?". She leant in and kissed on the cheek, and went in.

 

Got a text shortly after i dropped her off - "thanks for a good night xx". Now back to our text chats.....

 

As date's go, it was ok. Just feels like both of us are holding back.

[professorplum]

You sound very confident to me ask and I'm glad it went reasonably well. There's a lot more to this story yet I feel. I shall look forward to the updates. Hope she doesn't read ENA!

[Mrs Popsicle]

Hey ask, glad it went okay!

 

I had another quick read over your first post, just to clarify why you broke up in the first place. When you say that you had been needy during the last phase of the r'ship, how long was that for?

 

I just wonder if she's still kind of 'testing' your nonchalance- to see if its a real change in you and ensure its not just a tactic to get her back-perhaps she still wary? It's possible that she's waiting for you to slip up, like go on a date then turn into a needy wreck or something! (and I know you're not going to do that are you? )

 

I'd suggest you keep doing as you are, it's possible that she's still unsure of the situation- as you say just like first dates!

 

Good Luck

[gallop30]

hey ask,i didn't read your thread ,but i can advise you to take it easy.

in life there are so many other things to make you happy,other than your ex

[askltk]

Thanks for the comments and support guys!

*

Plum - I'm glad I'm coming off confident to you - I hope that it's being noticed elsewhere too (not just with Ex, but friends and other girls! Ha). As for feeling more to this story, I'm sure there will be. Not sure if will lead to recon, but I'm getting more comfortable with "me" at the moment. Dont get me wrong, days like today when she doesn't text I get fidgety, but I've said to myself that there's no need for her to text me - so why would she? And vice-a-verse-a.

*

Pops - Thanks again for your continued input. I would say that the last 3 months of our relationship, I felt that she was slipping away. As she boxed her feelings up, I didnt know what was wrong, and this uncertainty made me try to too hard, over think and suffocate her. I made myself think I could solve her problems and, of more concern, she needy me too. I sacrificed so much selflessly to make us work, she didnt ask, I just did it. I would make outlandish offers to pick her up from nights out, buy her flowers, go round her's at ungodly hours at night after work to sleep next to her. I turned into her puppy, someone who waited for instruction and needed looking after. I realised now that what she wanted was the complete opposite to what I had become, and what I used to be. I became a non-entity who was more wrapped up in her life than my own.Friends who spoke to me afterwards said the same thing, that I was a puppy that needed leading, that she'd say jump and I'd respond.

*

As I said, the "date" went ok.it wasn't great. Nore was it romantic or include signs of physicality from her. That's fine, i had no expectations on anything. Our first date I made the move on her as she was getting out the car! Im working on getting myself back to that confidence to take a chance (with her, or anyone else!)

*

I don't think she believes it's a test or trick, I honestly dont think shes given it much thought tbh! Ha I'm content with how I'm doing, and still have my moments of weakness, but this subsiding gradually.

*

Just out of curiosity, I'm of the mindset of thinking that I wont make any attempt at recon until she does. She has to make the first move. I dont need her, and I don't want to go back to forcing her. But at the same time, me taking the initiative might catch her off guard! Who know's eh!?

*

Gallop - Thanks, seen your comments on Nonchalance and the "crushedlikefruit" thread. Feel free to read through and comment, I'd appreciate it. Also, taken your advice posted recently on crushed - appreciating spending time with her and enjoying her company.

*

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[askltk]

As i was composing that (took me a while!) - She text me with a picture of a "get well soon card" for my sister (she's just had an op), and asking if it would be ok. We talked about my sis last night, so I'm guessing that's why. But a card...really? I'm not surprised, it's how she is.

 

She mentioned that she's back at work tonight -! I've got more pressing matters with my sis to dwell on it!

[askltk]

Had a really good open conversation with my best friend yesterday, and he also bought up the whole "testing" of my new persona that Pop's picked up on.

 

I've mentioned that she has been saying alot how she has zero support from family, and we talked alot about it. Even when she offered to take me home on Saturday, alot of it felt like she wanted me to come out with something. Me, being wary of trying to over commit, have held back with what I wanted to really say - things like "you know if we were together Id have been a fuss over your achievements" or along the lines of "you had that support, you had the praise, but that was too much for you". I remember saying how it frustrated me that she didnt get what she deserved for what she does, both family wise and through work and university - but mentioned nothing about me.

 

My mate picked up on the thought she maybe was waiting for me to say something, make a point of it, to somehow test if I was still there for her. I hadn't seen it that way, I wasn't really over thinking it - I saw it as her venting, so was good to get a friends alternate opinion.

 

I'm at a point now (after 4 months - man I work slow!) where I thinking that I may start to make some positive movements. Nothing grandure, just maybe asking her out, or the occasional uninitiated message (I've made a point of not making contact).I am wary, however, of pushing her further away, but as someone quite rightly mentioned, in terms of my "relationship" with her, how far further am I really? - This applies only to her - My own, personal progression has been great and I think, because of this new found belief and confidence, Im comfortable.

 

What you guys think? Out of curiosity! Ha

[professorplum]

I think the idea of uninitiated messages from you every so often is a good idea and I am envious that she has still continued to message you so regularly for this length of time without you initiating any yourself thus far. The asking out is more problematic and perhaps is something that must be decided upon in the coming weeks. You seemed a little flat after the last time and I wonder whether that is a little too soon. Overall however this looks quite promising and the comments re 'testing' above are fascinating.

[dramallama]

How long do you think you'll keep on with this situation before you clearly make things exclusive? Or will you keep going with the flow?

[askltk]

Thanks Plum.

 

I did feel a bit flat last time, your right. I think it was because I felt confident that this "date" would be the start of us progressing, and although it was an ok, I didnt get the signs from her that I was after. But no matter - Im still working on myself, and she has noticed.

 

Don't be envious, please! Dont get me wrong, Im really pleased we still talk so openly. I genuinely believe having this communication, all be it not as a couple, is good for me and my own progression - and also gives an outlet in which she can visibly to her. She varys on when she sends her first text of the day - depending on what she's doing, but it always comes eventually. I reply to the messages I get, when then builds up into a conversation.

 

I originally chose not to contact her, as I didnt want to be perceived as need to her.However now, I feel like im past worrying what she thinks, and doing things when i feel it's right. Today was the first un-initated msg - a simple good morning, and a good luck at doctors (no1 in her family even knew she had an appointment, and she hates hospitals). She seemed up beat that i text her, but as we both we busy we haven't exchanged since. I'll bet tho i'll get a msg after her shift tho! Ha

 

As for asking her out, I think your right. I'm gonna see how my subtle changes are perceived - i'l know if / when the time is right. The whole "testing" concept may be a bit of mis-read, but like you said it is interesting! I will keep updated, and hope some people can see the same positivity in my situation as you do.

[Mrs Popsicle]

 

I'm at a point now (after 4 months - man I work slow!) where I thinking that I may start to make some positive movements. Nothing grandure, just maybe asking her out, or the occasional uninitiated message (I've made a point of not making contact).I am wary, however, of pushing her further away, but as someone quite rightly mentioned, in terms of my "relationship" with her, how far further am I really? - This applies only to her - My own, personal progression has been great and I think, because of this new found belief and confidence, Im comfortable.

 

What you guys think? Out of curiosity! Ha

 

Hey ask, you have a good point, when you say how further can you be? I don't know, it could be a case of 'what do you have to lose?' If you were to make a move, she would either accept your advances or reject them- as long as you are prepared for either scenario then I don't see the problem. If she were to reject them then you could either stay friends or not. I don't think your world is going to come crashing down around you whatever happens! As you say , it has been four months and you have made a lot of changes in your life.You're no longer the needy person she thought you were and if she doesn't want a relationship then isn't it her loss?

 

 

I've decided not to get back with ex, I've just found out he has a massive drink problem! I know it sounds silly that I wouldn't have noticed, but we've barely spent much time together in recent times, and it turns out that every time he let me down it was because he was either drunk or hungover. Kind of explains why I wasn't coming first any more. He's told me that he's going to stop, but I've told him I can't be the one propping him up, I've been there before in the past(long time ago) and I'm not willing to do it again. As much as I care for him, I think he needs to do this on his own, and it's also made me realise that there was nothing I could have done to save this relationship.

 

Mrs Popsicle

[askltk]

Drama - sorry just seen you post!

 

Honestly, I dont know. We have been doing this for near on 3 1/2 months now, and things havent been an issue. I guess it depends on alot of factors, such as if she opens up and makes positive moves on recon, or more importantly that I believe i am confident enough to know she is 1) Who I want and 2) I am a better person when im her. I guess it's until one / both of us feel no longer comfortable / need to talk.

 

I admit, at the end of our relationship, I was a complete sap. I turned myself into some who needy her attention / approval / direction. It has been a slow process, but Im getting there. I wont rush into a relationship, with her or anyone, until Im confident in myself.

 

I will keep going with the flow for now - I'm content with myself at the moment, in the sense that I am in the best shape of my life and am enjoying trying new things. Don't get me wrong, there are times where a relationship is what I crave, but I'm not going to "push" that on her, as it will only drive her away. There will need to be effort from her before anything happens. By that time, that ship could have already sailed! Ha

 

What we have now, whatever "it" is, will end when either a) We meet new partners b) Are willing to sacrifice "it" at the risk of losing each other c) We both realise that, actually, what we are doing is stopping us from progressing. As of right now, none of those things are visible.

[askltk]

Wow thread is hot tonight - thanks for the comments guys!

 

Pops - good decision, it may hurt now but your on to greater things. Also, an issue like alcohol abuse is something that needs an individual needs to concour on their own. Im sure you will be there if he needs you, but your concern is getting yourself through the break up, and back enjoying being you!

 

As i mentioned above, all I can lose is what we have right now. Now, baring in mind what a complete sap i was when we broke up, she still initiated contact from day one, so i think she'd still want it.

 

I like the use of the "whole world wont come down". Only because, back at the end of the relationship, this is what exactly would have happened. I had devoured myself into her life, that it became mine. My happiness was dependant on her's - and when i felt she was down, I would go OTT to force it better. This was a huge flaw of the relationship, but one I am learning from now as i look to get myself back.

 

I'm using this open communication we have to show her the visible changes I am making, not for her, but for me. If this leads to her showing genuine interest again, I dont know. But thats not my intention, this self improvement is not a game or ploy, its me getting back to being who I believe i should be. That person who she feel in love with, who was confident and successful, who ran his own life.

 

As for "making a move" - To put it another way, I like the odd flutter, and I wont put what i have at risk unless the odds are stacked in my favour! If i get an inclination, I take a punt. I may lose, but will be fun to see! (sorry for the gambling analogy, Im playing online poker! ha)

 

This has a way to run yet .... so we shall see.

[Real Deal]

ask - man, this is a long a$$ thread. Can't say I read every letter in all of the posts but my take is this from what I read. She dumped you about 4 months ago but you guys still talk/text every single day. You have made some changes that she has noticed but in the back of your mind you made them so she would notice and not for yourself (i.e. in order to get her back). She has been on dates and you haven't. She hasn't told you about these dates and still expects you to be her emotional crutch and there for her like a boyfriend, only that you get her scraps. Even though she decided to split YOU are thinking about asking her where she is at and if you guys should try again. She is calling the shots and controlling the tempo of where and when things happen. Does all this sound correct?

[askltk]

Apologies Real, i have run away with this thread a bit!

 

Pretty Much! Quite a depressing read actually -

 

Except the bit about changing - I realised that what I had become wasn't who I was, and I had change into someone I didnt like. The changes I am making now are not for her benefit, its for mine. I will say that it was the BU that made me truly realise the extent of my neediness. I'd also so that the asking her "where she's at" and "trying again" is not what I was looking for, but it was to try and relieve her of the control / calling the shots.

 

You are right tho, alot of what you said is true.

[Real Deal]

No need to apologize man. I remember when I was posting my sitch in 2009 I think I had 10-15 pages as well...haha. I promise you this - if you do a hard NC with her you will not regret it. Regardless of what happens (getting her back or not). You owe her nothing and she owes you nothing, period. NC is just for you and you alone. It is not to hurt her at all but there is a chance she will see it this way - that is her issue and you cannot help her with that. Get on with your life and let things happen naturally. Do not worry about what she is thinking, feeling or wanting. If she wants you as her BF she needs to come flat out and say it. Keep in mind this is a process and she is going to view you in a pathetic and needy light until you are no longer pathetic and needy (I know, harsh stuff).

 

She has no reason to want you back now because she is calling the shots. Everything is on her terms so why would she want anything different? You are right there waiting in case her perfect new life does not work out. Meanwhile, she gets to go on dates and explore what's out ther but has you to text at the end of the night when the dates are not all that great. She is still wanted by someone - you! There is going to be a time when she goes on one of these dates and it does go good. Guess who is not getting a text that night? YOU. I know it is all f'd up but these are the facts. I have seen this happen too many times my friend. Don't go down this path. Stop feeling like you are the victim in the relationship and man the f*ck up. Don't be angry or coarse about it either. She made her choice to BU with you and that is her right because we live in a free country. It is up to you as the man to lead!! If there is going to be anything in the future - YOU decide what it will be, not her. She made her choice and you need to respect that.

 

From what I have read if you go NC and get to where you need to be for yourself this will play out to your advantage but will take 3-6 months so do not expect her to come back to you too soon. This will only F you up it you sit and wait and try to analyze everything she says or does (trust me). It's your life brother, own it!!

[askltk]

No man - this is exactly the sort of harsh opinion I think I needed. Gonna get things straight this weekend!

[Real Deal]

Good for you man. No matter what happens (reconcile or not) you will feel better about yourself in the end for doing so. Even though this should be you primary goal/purpose, regardless of what she says, this is what she wants from you (subconciously). Being a man that is. Don't beat yourself up over the past and mistakes you have made - we have all done it and you can only focus on the now and move forward. Keep us posted bro....

[rich46]

Great post.

[Live-N-Learn]

She has no reason to want you back now because she is calling the shots. Everything is on her terms so why would she want anything different? You are right there waiting in case her perfect new life does not work out. Meanwhile, she gets to go on dates and explore what's out ther but has you to text at the end of the night when the dates are not all that great. She is still wanted by someone - you! There is going to be a time when she goes on one of these dates and it does go good. Guess who is not getting a text that night? YOU. I know it is all f'd up but these are the facts. I have seen this happen too many times my friend.

 

I was in this spot and that is exactly what happened. I was way too available and she knew it. The end of the rope for me was when she called me on the way to a date and then after cuz it must not have went well and she wanted to come over and hang out. Ha! I was the perfect back up plan...I said yes and she came over and spent the night. It was the most empty feeling I have ever felt in my life. I layed there holding her thinking to myself what the hell am I doing! I am the back up guy! The next night she called again after going on a date and and asked to hang out I said no. She then said I love you...I said goodbye and hung up the phone. I went NC the next day.

 

We did talk one time after that because she would not leave me alone. We are now NC and fortunately I finally maned up and did not have to wait around for the good date and no call.

 

Listen to Real Deal he knows what he is talking about. Go NC

[gallop30]

hey ask,i promise to read your thread and give you some good advice,only if you want that obviously. you seem to be a ok guy.

i'm only here to help people(if i can) and that's what i'll do with you if i can.

don't take my advice too personal, because everything i say it's based on personal experience.

and i'm kinda experienced

[askltk]

Thanks guys - by all means please read the thread and comment / advise where you see fit! It's all greatly appreciated - however "strong" the words! Ha

[Real Deal]

Live - that's brutal man but good for you that you man'd up. In a weird way they hate you for it but they respect you more. However, that is not the purpose, but rather we respect ourselves more. Taking their BS makes us feel worse inside and as men we might as well get a tattoo on our forehead that says "I'm Pathetic". Being able to let go is the truest expression of love that there is. Okay, this is getting too touchy-feely for me. Gotta go...ha.

[Live-N-Learn]

Yeah real it was brutal...I convinced myself even though I doubted it was true that by being FWB's with her she would come back. Ha! Just the opposite. She ended up f-in 7 of us last year I came to find out. 3 of us multiple times in November. The only reason I found out is because she caught in STD and had to tell me. Thank god I did not get it.

 

So anyways, I have been trying to let go and get out of this for awhile knowing it was not going anywhere. However when she called me two nights in a row after her dates that was it for me. I am sure she respects me for finally standing up for myself and checking out. It won't bring her back and that is OK. What really matters is I feel better about myself. I wish I would have done it 11 months ago when we broke up. Hence my name. Live-N-Learn lol

 

Btw.. she text me from a bar and said she missed me and wanted me to come out. I don't think so f-that bulls**t nothing has changed and I am not putting myself back in that position. NEVER AGAIN!!!