Is she wanting her cake and eating it?

[askltk]

Thanks - and trust me i take alot of insight from select members of these forums. Some of it is really helping.

[KateUK]

I think you handled that situation admirably Just keep up the nonchalance - for you! Seriously, it sounds like she has a strong (read 'stubborn') personality and, if she won't admit she was wrong about directions, then it is going to take a little longer before she admits (to herself or you) that she is wrong about you.

 

x

[askltk]

Thanks Kate - id take "admirably!" Ha

 

She is strong minded (which I found oddly attractive). I like the thought of the last line, and think your right. Im keeping up the nonchalance for me, as I saw the benefits prior to going away.

[MakeItCount]

I agree with Kate and Crap, you did well. No need for NC. Just keep it up. As you said, you can't expect her to change that quickly. I think you did the right thing not initiating anything either. Have her doubt her power over you. Kate nailed it on the head I think in combination with Crap, she has a shield up and she'll say whatever she needs to validate herself, and it won't go away overnight.

 

Keep doing what you're doing man, patience patience patience!

[askltk]

Thanks makeit! Between the three of you I'm slow piecing it together! Ha

 

So the plan is to stay nonchalant, much like have been for the last 2 weeks. Im not expecting anything from her tbh, but I'd like things to happen! I'm pretty hectic this week with work, training for charity run and social events, so haven't actually got time!

 

At what point, if any, do I suggest meeting up!? She has mentioned Saturday but I'm already busy!

[askltk]

Apologies for the poor grammar, I'm typing on my phone whilst in traffic! Ha

[askltk]

Interesting week.

 

We've been fairly regularly with contact. Now, I'm not sure if the amount we text is a positive or negative. I never initiate contact, but like clockwork she will text me in the morning when she wakes up. Its usually a pleasant message, asking if i was having a good day, and generally what she had planned. Im usually working at my desk, and havent a problem replying instantly, but i usually give it half hour or so. It's the sort of conversations we had when we were together.

 

I've made it clear to myself i wont initiate meeting up. This is mainly down to the thought that she will offer. Like this week, having spent last weekend together, we havent seen each other as i have been busy with gym, football, runs and work commitments. Had I had a free night, she may have initiated time together. But she has already suggested we go shopping for Xmas presents together on Saturday, and wants to do running with to "be my trainer"! Ive got plans this weekend, but there is time to see her.

 

So while im nonchalant, is her making the suggestions to meet up a good or bad sign? Does this not give her power (ie, im not making the suggestions, so she will!?)? Is all this talking, however playful and flirty (mainly me on that but its got a response), actually doing more harm than good!?

 

Once again i've been giving numerous amounts of advice (which i never asked for) from friends / family etc, with the basic consensus of "dont talk to her" - just think all your advice is working. Thanks again

[askltk]

Ok, so ive now started to treat this thread as a way to get out my thoughts rather than bottle them up.

 

Not in a relationship on FB any more - initiated by her, and i discovered this morning. Bit of a bummer, but actually surprised that it had stayed like that for so long. Also noticed she'd finally got round to changing the background on her phone, which previously was me and her, all smiles on holiday.

 

Those who have read the back story, know that we are still talking, I've been acting nonchalant which has achieved pockets of success with her. She initiates all contact, suggestions for meeting up (or joining me in what im doing) etc..i'l admit most of the time I'll agree with her and we'll hang out. Oddly, she hasn't told her mum yet, as i was invited to her birthday dinner. When asked why i was even invited - the ex kind of brushed it off as "we'll my sisters Bf was invited".....

 

I am concentrating on myself alot more - and yet still want to be with her. I can see myself moving back to that person I was before, to that person that attracted her. Having been asked the question by friends "Do you want to meet other girls?" - my response is "its a need, not a want". Much like many people on here have kindly said - by doing your own thing, being busy, moving on, meeting people - creates that air of mystery which seems to raise questions in the ex's head.

 

So I'm now texting her less, mainly to distance myself and because it almost feels like routine. She works in a restaurant so is busy pretty much every night coming up in the holidays - and the question is always asked "what you up to tonight?".

 

One thing i'm continuing to repeat, which i took from this forum - "if she wants to be in relationship with you - she would be".

 

Any suggestions, advice, notions are all happily accepted! HA

[askltk]

Been posting alot elsewhere - thought id jot down the current situation.

 

Not much has changed between the ex and I, all initiated contact on her behalf. She's suggested meeting up for a movie / Xmas shopping etc. I think alot of this suggestion is the fact that we no longer have a reason to see each other. We had prior arrangements to attend events when were together, and as we get on so well, we have gone and enjoyed them. Dont get me wrong, i like that shes wanting to see eachother, but its a mix of "keeping me on the hook" and me balancing my availability.

 

I've got into this whole jogging / running thing - which has been a kind revelation to me. Running has become a bit like me release, and also a way to let me evaluate things - not just in my relationships, but every aspect of my life. Oddly refreshing! Ha

 

it's her bday soon, and am pondering my actions

[askltk]

Here I am again - after showing signs of improvement / healing etc.. I fall of the honey trap!

 

Basically, things with the ex have been going really well recently. She's suggested to met up several times, and i've agreed on a number of occasions. She keeps wanting to set dates for things into the future, weeks and even months in advance. She has even wanted to come see my charity event im training for, which isnt until the new year.

 

She works with my sister - and last night she made a point of telling her that she loved the way we were at the minute, but hoped that I wasn't getting the wrong idea and that we weren't going to get back together. Now, I trust my sister 100%, and i know that my ex would have said this to her knowing she would tell me. Either im seeing it through rose tinted glasses (perhaps), but this isnt the impression I get off her.

 

However, the same night, I get a text saying she was alone and wanted company (she was in her house alone, and scared). Not knowing the previous discussion, I went over there (late - around 11:30pm). I shouldnt have gone, either way. I sat with her whilst doing her uni work, helping out, chatting and getting on great. I stayed for so long that I completely lost track of time. At one point she said "You can go home if you want". I said to her I had zero intention of staying anyway, but i finished what i was doing before i left. She thanked me for coming, apologised for asking and even text minutes after id gone.

 

This all happened last night. She's texted already this morning. If this was anyone else, her eagerness to stay in contact would be signs that she's interested. However, after what she has said, I dont think this is the case. I'm starting to feel like she really is using me for when she needs me - and for that brief moment I returned to be that lapdog again - undoing all my good work.

 

I have not returned her latest text, Im waiting to see what happens. This isnt NC - i just have more important stuff to do!

[confuseddotcom]

I'm starting to feel like she really is using me for when she needs me

 

You're feeling like this because this is EXACTLY what she is doing. Please, for your own sanity and emotional well-being, stay away from her. Don't interact with her in any way, shape or form.

 

She is using you and she is utterly, utterly selfish. If she cared for you one iota, she'd leave you alone and give you time to heal. As it is, she is only thinking about herself and the fulfilment of her needs, at the expense of yours.

 

It's an old cliche but ask yourself this. What advice would you give to a friend of yours if they were in your situation?

 

Use this relationship as a lesson learnt. It will help you to weed out these kind of people in the future and will make you much stronger.

[askltk]

Thanks for your comments confused.

 

Dont get me wrong, Im cool with my sanity - and im actually feeling pretty good for the best part.

 

Funny, you mention the advice. My best friend went through a similar thing earlier in the year, and the advice I gave him was the same as what I'm doing for the most part. Giving her space, let her come to you and get on bettering yourself. He got back with his girl after 8 weeks of LC and a couple of dates. No situation is the same, but he reminds me of what advice I gave. I'm getting a kick out of doing my own thing and working out anyway - and she is more than responsive in communication.

 

Interesting point is that she has asked me to her Birthday dinner, with her family and bunch of friends. It's sunday, and although Im busy all day, Im free in the evening. I get on with her friends, family etc.. so see this as a good opportunity to show progress and that Im bettering myself (Im looking better after extensive gym work, have new clothes and generally feeling more confident). See what happens eh!?

[lavenderdove]

>>' but hoped that I wasn't getting the wrong idea and that we weren't going to get back together.'

 

Honey, you have this 'nonchalance' script going in your head, but what is more important is what is going on in her head, and she is making it loud and clear that she wants to be best buds but is starting to get concerned you're getting the wrong idea that she will be coming back (which she says she won't).

 

What happens in a lot of 'friendly' breakups is that you become the dumper's security blanket/teddy bear, that she wants to have around to cuddle with emotionally whenever she's feeling lonely or insecure or bored. But when something else catches her attention, off she goes, and you are frankly right now being the bridge into a new relationship. I've seen many cases like this, where one day she'll just show up and announce she's dating someone new and you won't be seeing her again. But you kept her all warm and cuddly during her transition phase out of the relationship.

 

So by being ever present, you are helping her with her adjustment OUT of the relationship. You can work the 'nonchalance' angle all you want, but if she's decided she's done, she's now just using you until she's used to the idea of not being with you anymore, and until she finds a replacement. Some people really hate being alone, so they bridge out of one relationship into the next with this kind of behavior.

 

So right now you should be focusing on YOU and getting your needs met and not being available to her very much at all. She needs to understand that she made a choice to not be your GF, so she doesn't get all the perks of being in a relationship still, and she doesn't get the opportunity to use you as a security blanket/teddy bear while she searches for a replacement.

 

Just because you are having contact with her doesn't mean it is 'going well'... it is going well when she agrees to actually date you and be your GF again, which she hasn't. So you need to adjust your own reality to her reality, which is you aren't her BF therefore she doesn't get to have you around as a security blanket until she finds a new guy...

 

she's honestly treating you like a female BFF and not a guy she wants to date. Don't settle for being her best 'girlfriend' when you want to be her boyfriend. She needs to recognize you're not a sap who's willing to take any crumbs she throws your way. She also needs to feel the pressure, that if she doesn't get with it, maybe YOU will find someone else and won't be around anymore as her BFF. Otherwise she'll just string you along forever, until she does find another guy she wants to date then you get tossed aside like a toddler dropping an old teddy bear when she sees a new exciting toy.

[askltk]

Thanks Lavender. Harsh words but ultimately make sense.

 

Contemplating what I'm going to do now. Hhhmmm

[NRG75]

Same boat here with my wife. She told me she wanted a divorce on Oct 27th, I have been there for here, and I have been vacillating between distance and closeness. As she has done the same. I am letting her have her cake and eat it too. I need to back the hell up, and no be so available for her.

[askltk]

Feel you pain NRG.

 

I've backed up alot, turned her down to meet etc. And yet she continues to offer oppotunities. like tonight, I spent the evening with friends and family for her birthday. I came off great, laughing and joking, had a great time and came

Off well. I bought her a small gift, which she appreicated. I openingly accepted the context I was there, but got

The feeling that it was all too comfortable!

 

With Xmas, I'm swamped with social and work commitments - so I'm not available, which is all

Good for self development! wait and see what she comes up with now - but feeling the power back, slowly...!

[askltk]

Another thought - Shes text me already. She loved the gift I got her, and couldn't believe I remembered what it was (it was something she pointed out a while ago when window shopping). She didn't expect anything at all, and at most a card. She's

 

I'm glad she liked, And I like the fact she didn't expect it. Whether it's the right thing, who knows. But I don't really care! Ha

[dramallama]

Well, the non-chalance thing didn't work. Otherwise you'd still be listed as her boyfriend on facebook. If people want to be with you they will not let you go. You gave it a go and it didn't work - at this point it's not about being available as much - but not being available AT ALL. Now it's time to go NO CONTACT from this very second. Stop answering her silly text messages. Or send her ONE last text message that you have to break things off for good and that she won't be hearing from you again because you are not in a relationship anymore. Remove her as a friend from Facebook - block her. And yes, she is having her cake and eating it too. Good luck.

[askltk]

Thanks Drama

 

If people want to be with you they will not let you go.

 

This is an interesting point. I've been reminding myself recently that "if she wants to be with you, she would be". Thing is, she isnt letting me go, as much as a I pull away. I don't think anything of her advances to meet up, or over analyse any hidden meaning, but im not initiating anything - merely picking and chosing what's best for me.

 

The nonchalance attitude im trying to adopt is benefiting me. I'll admit at first i wanted to use it to get me ex back - but now I'm doing it to better myself. She's been alot more forthcoming recently because of it, as a byproduct of me feeling better about myself.

 

Maybe its the wrong attitude to have - but I'm not a fan of the whole Blocking of FB / NC. I didnt do this with my previous Ex, and in the end she came back begging to get back together. I'm not saying that I want this to happen in this situation, or that by doing so it will bring this ex back.

[askltk]

Just thought id add this link -

 

Been a really helpful read, and is part of my thinking behind my last paragraph above.

[dramallama]

I dunno, man. To me, and others, she's playing you like a violin. I mean, to take your relationship off facebook and then invite you to dinner as if nothing happened is highly disrespectful, and you're letting her get away with it. Why you would want someone back who delights in playing mind games is beyond me. In my POV, if she doesn't want to be in a relationship then respect her choice and cut all ties.

 

I suppose it's because I'm an all or nothing person, that this sort of behaviour wouldn't fly with me. But it's your ex-girlfriend and if you think this non-chalance thing is working for you then that's up to you. Just don't let her string you along for too long. You could be prolonging the inevitable and blocking any chance of your true soulmate entering your life (and I don't think soulmates play risky games like that --- if she truly saw you in her future, would she really be playing with fire, where you could throw the towel in and say no more?) And keep us updated. I'm interested in how things will turn out.

[dramallama]

This is an interesting point. I've been reminding myself recently that "if she wants to be with you, she would be". Thing is, she isnt letting me go, as much as a I pull away.

I would think that deleting your relationship facebook status would be the biggest sign that she is letting you go, seeing how much of a significance FB has these days.

 

I think that non-chalance only has any real benefit when already in a relationship, not after you've broken up. From then on, it's all NC, baby. But again, only you know what is best for you in this case.

[askltk]

Thanks for your continued response Drama - your insight is really good to hear!

 

I suppose it's because I'm an all or nothing person, that this sort of behaviour wouldn't fly with me. But it's your ex-girlfriend and if you think this non-chalance thing is working for you then that's up to you. Just don't let her string you along for too long. You could be prolonging the inevitable and blocking any chance of your true soulmate entering your life (and I don't think soulmates play risky games like that --- if she truly saw you in her future, would she really be playing with fire, where you could throw the towel in and say no more?) And keep us updated. I'm interested in how things will turn out.

 

At times I wish i could be more like you in that sense, the whole all or nothing response would be simplier! But like you said its a different situation, different people etc, and I do feel im getting somewhere with it. I think the opposite regarding nonchalance tho. I get a stronger response from her when I im relaxed / happy (I genuinely am btw) than I would do if i was in the relationship as it would be perceived like I didn't care. I feel nonchalances is working at improving me, and if the by-product of that is my ex reacts positively then so be it - but i've learnt now that that's not my priority.

 

I would think that deleting your relationship facebook status would be the biggest sign that she is letting you go, seeing how much of a significance FB has these days.

 

Dont get me wrong, I'm not perceiving we are still in a relationship now - her FB status stated in "in a relationship with..." up till only recently (bu almost 2 months ago now). Mine didn't state that information on there anyway, so it changing didn't have a baring on me. The funny thing is that most people still ask how we are, and when I tell them were not together they act surprised.

 

I keep this thread fairly updated, so please feel free to offer your opinions!

[askltk]

Why oh Why oh Why

 

Things have been better than usual since her birthday. She was overly thankful of my "personal" present, and has been pretty much begging to meet up since. I've been busy, so have knocked her back on each occasion. And I was content for not seeing her - I've got more exciting stuff planned, besides shes working towards her end of semester hand in so her concentration wouldn't be on spending time together.

 

So the reason for the title? Its the day before her hand in - and she's freaked out. All her work she has needed printing, and the company she asked to do it quoted an extortionate amount and said they couldn't do half of it. She's gone into panic mode and called me to see if I could help her (I have printing capabilities in my office to be able to do so). Now - I shouldnt care. I shouldnt want to help her. I shouldnt even consider it. But, be it my own flaw, I cant stand to see her (or anyone) suffer if i could help in someway. Rightly or wrongly, its the way I am. I said I could do it for her - and she literally hasnt stopped texting saying thank you (as this moment im in my office waiting for it all to finish up).

 

She's offered my dinner tonight, and long into the future, but I've said no. Im sitting here now thinking I've done wrong to be this helpful. And those out there who read this will probably think the same thing as I do....What A Mug.

 

I'll see if this will work in my favour - it probably wont. I'll drop this stuff off and leave it at that. But Im thinking that I may say I'm going NC - she needs to realise what the consequences are should I not be around to save her.

[askltk]

What a difference a day (or evening in this case) makes!

 

Ha, I re-read the above from last night - how I felt, what i was thinking - and can't help but smile now! I was so angry at myself for helping her that it almost felt I had degraded myself. This morning, I feel great - refreshed and happy, like I've turned a corner. And here's why.

 

My time on this board has helped me vent my issues, get vital opinions from others and take advice. Last night, from what I thought was a massive step backwards in my healing - has come a huge step forward. Why? Because last night, I had the power. I had the nonchalant approach that saw me confidence, happy and comfortable. And, more importantly - her actions yesterday made her realise what she was giving up, and how lonely / quiet / unsocial her life is without me. She felt what it was like not to have me around, and almost fell apart.

 

Basically, as above, she had major issues last night about University work - and like an idiot i agreed to help her out. At the time, I thought "dont do, its not your problem, she's using you" etc... but my good nature got the better of me. My plan was to do it, drop them off, and leave it at that. But no.....SHE insisted I stayed for Dinner (she'd cooked a meal for us), Hang out etc.. I didnt have plans, so took her up on the offer. We had a genuinely great evening - we laughed, talked, worked and even flirted openly (innuendoes on her part). We popped out to her work, and people asked why I'd arrived with her - and she stated "he's with me tonight". It's a bit forward from her, but didn't think anything else of it.

 

We went back to her's afterwards, and she seriously couldn't do enough for me. I'd been cheeky all evening, as i genuinely wasn't effected by the outcome or the way she perceived it. Id been saying all night "what would you do without me, eh?" and "im too good to you" - but a manor that was playful. Her responses were more serious - like "I really don't know what I'd do - I do wonder". I told her not to get used to it! Ha

 

Another point to add was she bought up Xmas, and what "we" had planned. Now, seeing as I was overly generous for her birthday (ie i got her something), I hadnt been planning on doing presents. A card perhaps, seasons greetings and the like. She had other ideas. She wanted to know where "we" stood on the whole thing, as her family had bought me gifts because "they liked you". I questioned as to why if we're not together, and she made out that they didn't know we'd broken up officially. I said why hadn't she told them, and she brushed it off. Anyway, I said I had ideas on what to get her family, but wasnt going to act on them because, basically, it would have been weird. She kind of went on to say that her family had picked stuff - as had she, and wondered what I thought. I was blunt, I said I hadn't bought anything for anyone - as were not together. She looked at me if to say "we'll why not". I actually get on amazingly with her family, so said I'd get them something. But, here's the set up - shes started to drop hints about meeting up during the holidays (boxing day). She hasnt asked outright, but i know thats coming...but I wont be making that sort of commitment.

 

From the post above, I think I'd flicked a switch - and realised that (although I care for her and her progress in her course) I didnt care what happened between us. I wasn't over analysing ever finite detail. I wasn't expecting or wanting something to happen. Having felt like a Mug only hours before, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I helped her out because I wanted to - not because she expected me to. Having compassion for my ex was my downfall (or so i thought), but now it feels like Im coming off amazingly well, especially with her friends at work. It wasn't "why are you doing that - she's your ex - let her suffer - stop being her lap dog", to "why did she not want to be with him - he's great".

 

 

 

 

Maybe I'm making too much of it - but i dont care. I've come to work today with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. The best part is - reconciliation may or may not be on the cards - but I genuinely am happy with who I am and where I'm at, so looking forward to the good things.

 

Sorry for the length - I'll keep this thread updated with anynews.