Is she wanting her cake and eating it?

[gallop30]

you shouldn't care,you should do what's right for you and feels best.if you're happy then i'm happy for you too.

i can imagine your big smile,i was in those situations,my mouth was hurting from so much smiling. i don't know,does something like that even exist? too much smiling?

[askltk]

Thanks Gallop!

 

This thread details the ups and downs of whats happened since we broke up. I thought i was healing, but secretly I wanted her back and was blinded by our contact. Last night, I felt like crap - and was ready to leave. But, by helping her, I showed myself that actually having compassion wasnt a bad thing - in fact it was a massive plus to those outside our "relationship" who questioned my ex's judgement, rather than why i persisted in helping and being around. Also - I did those things because I wanted to help her, and not because I had an alterer motive or expected anything in return. That came accross to her - that i genuinely wasnt bothered - and that made her worry.

 

For only the 2nd time in the past 2 months - I feel great about myself. I can't describe how elated im feeling. It may not last, god knowing how varied its all been I half expect it to come tumbling down! But I'm enjoying while I can!

 

Too much smiling - that impossible! Ha But if things turn out for the better, I'm sure I'll let you know

[gallop30]

if you help out and you don't feel used by it then why not. you got a free dinner ,right?

i like helping out,sometimes strangers without wanting something in return,it makes you feel good about yourself.

we have to learn to give what we can instead to get what we can.

did you stare at her body when she wasn't looking?

[askltk]

of Course - I'm only human! Ha I even made a joke as he kept bending over! Ha But we've always been that playful anyway.

 

I've tended to do alot for her when I shouldnt. I dont feel used today - I feel like i've done a good deed. Agree with you, helping out makes you feel good. I was trying so hard to help her before that it was forced, wanting something in return. That was part of what broke us up - me constantly seeking her acceptance. Last night she knew I was pissed with her and what she asked for was out of order - i made of point saying "I do too much for you". But, more importantly, I did it because Im a good person who likes to help where he can - with no expectations. And thats the difference this time around.

 

She actually owes me "alot" of dinners out, she's been more than forthcoming in suggesting that for the next few weeks!

[askltk]

Ok so more drama - but not the planned kind!

 

After Thursday's change of persona - I've was feeling great about myself. I was attending a Wedding in the evening with a group of friends, and was feeling more confident and genuinely happier. The Ex, who handed in her university work the same day, and was continuing to be eternally grateful for all my help by constantly texting during the day. She was off out too with her student mates, so we both sent "have a great night msgs" and left it at that. Or so i thought.

 

She got in contact early, saying she didnt feel well - and had driven home and was already in bed. I was having a great time at the Wedding, and so responded irregularly and often quite short. She was warming with every random msg - and I know this was because I was out, enjoying myself and that I could meet someone. But I brushed off the added "xxx" etc, and said she should get some rest - we were due to go shopping the next day for Xmas presents (seeing as I still hadnt bought any for my family!)

 

So we went shopping Friday, and there was plenty of playful touches from both of us - although no holding hands (werent expecting or wanting this either). After a pleasent morning, she gets a call from a family member that her dad's had an accident. She was quite shook up - so i took control and got her to the hospital to meet up with family (about an hours drive back home). I text her shortly after getting home that "it goes without saying - but if you need anything let me know". Again - much like the university work - it wasnt my problem. But then again, I wanted to be there for her when she most needed it. Was that wrong?

 

Add to that the UK weather has been shocking recently with the Snow, she's openly said how bad it at home and how she really is struggling. She cant rely on her family, so she has asked me if I could help out with a lift from work. I said I would, but ended up being snowed in so couldnt!

 

We've haven't got anything else planned now - and as its the week before Xmas, she'll be working and I'll be out with friends. No more suggestions for holiday time yet - although there was talk of Xmas eve.

 

But - its that time of year for giving, and I'm helping her with no expectation - which is making me feel great about myself!

[AloneAgain19]

There is a process called secure attachment in the psychology field, it is usually used to describe infants and their mothers, but this is basically your scenario. Like you said, you are her rock. She is exploring single life with a steady supporter to come back to every day that she knows still wants her. This is unhealthy because she knows you still want her back and the more time you spend in limbo the more damage you will do to yourself when you come out. Take it from me, I'm a fixer, i solved problems in a relationship for 14 months and told this girl how fantastic she was, and when we broke up and said our goodbyes, she said "pretty much waht you said." Separate from her, or win her back. You need a clean cut path.

[askltk]

Thanks ALONE

 

I have been quoted as "her rock" by her on numerous occasion, especially when we looked to separate. Its almost like she wont let me go in fear the 1) she wont coup without me 2) i meet someone and forget all about her. I admit, I would like her back, but not as the person she is now - the person I know she is / was.

 

She isn't exploring single life in a sense looking for someone else - I know this for a fact. If she had, I would have called it quits a long time ago.

 

I agree - soon its got to be a take it or leave moment. I dont want it to be an ultimatum tho - as that sounds forceful. Win her back is what I'm working towards, and inevitably thats that i want. Rightly or wrongly.

[AloneAgain19]

Yea see if you read mine, its like right under yours similar situation. She is a people pleaser, and has a self defeating personality, and I can be controlling about certain things, like her hanging out after work with dudes from work cus she has a history of hooking up with co-workers. But in the end, People pleasing personalities do not work well with stronger personalities because from the first time I tell her something is a bad idea, she will stifle herself, and suffocate herself because shes afraid of causing an argument, or conflict. It took me a few days to cry, and sit, and just realize that this is only surmountable with time. If we get back together in a week or even a month, we are probably only preparing ourselves for another bout of emotional pain. Im in NC with her now, its been about 5 days.... but my last communication with her was immature on her part. I have to go to school with her in the Spring, same class, small college, probably same parties, but the differences we have will take real time to get through, just make sure you consider that. Between people pleasing me, and family, and friends, she told me, she completely lost her personality. She asked me what she liked....it was that bad, and through all the support I gave her, I dont feel like she misses me...so just dont get hurt bud.

[generaldiscord]

The neediness has got to stop! Do you have a job? You sound like you have too much free time on your hands.

[askltk]

General - I have a great job, I just do long commutes - plus have been snowed in due to the shocking UK weather recently, so I agree I've had too much time on my hands recently! Ha

 

As for the neediness - can you point out the example of said neediness? (I dont mean this to sound sarcastic or patronising - Im just concerned that Im coming of as needy when I believe, in reality, im not). Thanks for your post.

[generaldiscord]

Could be I'm wrong, but my feeling is that your response to your girlfriends annoyance at the barrage of texts is to text her and visit her more often. Plus, you mentioned in the OP that you cried and begged her to stay a bit longer and promised to be better... That just sounds needy to me.

[askltk]

Could be I'm wrong, but my feeling is that your response to your girlfriends annoyance at the barrage of texts is to text her and visit her more often. Plus, you mentioned in the OP that you cried and begged her to stay a bit longer and promised to be better... That just sounds needy to me.

 

Totally agree - it was needy and was the incident that fuelled our break up discussion. But your right, at that time in the relationship, I had become needy of her and I openly admit that in my OP.

 

That was 2 months ago now, and since then I've done none of that. The barrage of texts are from her to me, initiated by her. I respond when I feel I want to, when the conversational is relevant. I dont see her more, a lot less in fact. But she always reaches out to meet up, and I do when it suits me or genuinely want to she her.

 

The difference between now and then is that I've put myself first - done things for me - bettered myself. I'm still working on it, dont get me wrong, but not having that desire to please her, be with constantly and forcefully try and make her happy has been a real weight of my shoulders. Im not needing her, if at all, but still want to be with her.

[askltk]

Me and the Ex talked about meeting up over Xmas, but never made and concrete arrangements (i think the both of us didnt want to make that initial confirmation on things). We previously spoke about presents, and that coincidentally both our mothers bought presents for us, and we knew we both had bought for each other.

 

Xmas eve I finished work early, and tried to finish my shopping. She asked where i was, and as I was local, I'd pop in to her work for lunch. She was quite excited by the impromptu visit - and after I left I was happy, relaxed and looking forward to a weekend. We'd being using a celeb face recognition app on her phone while I was there, just to fool around, and she was linked to some celeb called Cheryl. She text shortly after i left saying "Thanks, love from Cheryl".

 

Anyway, we didnt agree to meet up Xmas eve (everyone local to me heads into our town anyway), but she would text me later. I went out with my friends, met up with a few girls "friends", and had a quiet night. I went to meet a few friends in another bar, and as I walked in, the ex was standing there talking to them. Literally, it looked like i'd followed her in! Ha Instantly, she was cold and defensive. I was fine, saying hi to her and her friend plus mine, offered to buy everyone a drink (its Xmas after all!) which was politely declined. I said have a good night, and she took her place amongst her friends, and I with mine. We didnt speak again all night - which was fine, just confused about her complete change in attitude from earlier in the day - i put that down to her trying to act infront her mates. Anyway, after and hour or so, she went to leave to another bar. A friend pointed it out, and it looked like she got to the main door, turned round, and walked past me to say goodbye.

 

As I was driving that night, I left shortly after - text her when i got home to enjoy her evening. Instant reply came back saying that she didnt get in the next bar, was at home and was angry (he work had kept her behind later than she wanted). We chatted over text a while, her venting her frustration, me brushing it off happily. I called it a night, saying I'm off to wait for Santa - she laughed.

 

Anyway - Xmas Day, both at separate families. The morning, I wished her a Merry Xmas, and that I was cooking. Got a reply in the afternoon asking how it went and she was with family and wished me a happy Christmas. We didnt speak at all during the day, the odd text only. Vague messages all day, best wishes and the like. Later in the evening she text alot more - and mentioned about meeting up today (26th). We havent set a time or location, but were both busy.

 

Unconventional Xmas, but see how we get on today!

 

Seasons Greetings to All

[kelless]

Speaking from the experience of having been that girl who needs space, I just think she is probably young and not ready to be too committed in a relationship. I think she still likes you, girls don't waste time spending time with guys that they don't like. At the same time the more anxious you are, the more needy you become and will suffocate her. So no matter how difficult it is, ironically the only way to get her back is to give her some space and you got to be patient with this. Let her go out with her own friends and do her own thing and you go out with your friends and do your own thing. Just repeat the words calm down in your mind 10 times every time you get anxious about her. Be a cool cat.

[kelless]

Just saw your latest update... well sounds like things are quite positive. If she does make it around to seeing you to Christmas then you know obviously she prioritizes you.

[askltk]

Thanks Kelless

 

Will do a update later - things to do, people to see (not her tho! ha)

[askltk]

Christmas eh - its an interesting time of year!

 

Carrying on from my Boxing Day post - we met up in the late evening at hers. She wanted to meet up earlier (she text me to come round in 20mins at like 2pm) - but i was already with friends for lunch. She seemed fine that i was busy, and it felt great knowing she was at home waiting for me for once!

 

She had a party to attend in the evening, so we exchange gifts n chatted for a while. I got her a few bits, not overly sentimental (smellies, sweets etc..) She'd got me lots of photos from my university graduation, framed. Also, a panoramic photo from our hotel room in NYC last year (I love the city and that view, and had always said i wanted in my new place when i moved). Quite sweet really.

 

Her mate arrived shortly after (to pick her up), I slipped out the front door to put my presents in the car - and she shouted through the window "were are you going!". She thought i was leaving without saying goodbye. Ha. She usually acts different with her friends there (see Xmas Eve!), and at first she seemed a bit annoyed I was still their for when her friend arrived. But actually she was quite open to me chatting to her friend etc.. and when we went to leave, she approached me, gave me kiss on the cheek and said we'd speak later. In her usual fashion, i got a text from her inside 10mins - thanking me for my presents - and that the party wasn't very good and wouldn't stay long. I said have a good night and left it at that - i had my own stuff to do!

 

She seems to openly wanting communication. She will text me when she comes in from nights out, just to see how my night was. We've been doing this every night pretty much since we split. Actually, we text ALOT, like a couple. It's seeming a bit of routine now, we always have text chats before bed. It almost feels like she needs to text me, as to keep that contact. What you guys think?

 

Yesterday I mentioned i was going to the holiday sales - and she mentioned coming. I, being nonchalant, said well I'm going, feel free to come with me - But i was leaving early (she doesnt do early). She said she'll let me know - and I just said you dont have to come, Im going if you do or not. Low and behold, and 8am call with "i decided i want to come". Anyway, the actual trip was rubbish, Sales are horrible to shop in, and after an hour we both had enough. I drove, she slept. She invited me in for lunch, which i accepted. I was meeting up with friends so made a swift exit. She had nothing else to do that day, so unsurprisingly I get a text shortly after thanking me for driving - and she was off for a nap. I said "enjoy x" and left it at that. She went out in the evening, but again she text me once she got in, saying it was a good night and what i was up to.. Yawn....I replied saying it was good, and that i was sleepy - she said she'll text me in the morning. She always does......

 

Feeling good at the mo, Im not putting myself out at all, and more so she seems that she wont let go. Not sure why - and to be honest thats her choice, not mine. Kelles point is interesting - "girls dont spend time with guys they dont like"....

[kelless]

Askltk, wow So glad to see your update. It sounds like everything is going great and the ball is totally in your court. My only advice is be careful not to jump back into things too quickly. Let her have her space and see that her space is actually quite empty without you, then step by step, inch by inch ... you are on your way back!

[askltk]

Fingers crossed you right Kelless - Im not too sure myself. We shall see.

 

Side note, very little contact today - both been busy. She initiated a quick text this morning, and a reply later this afternoon which said we'll speak later. HHmm.. New year coming up too....

[askltk]

Here's another weird one - she has been using an IM app recently, as she has exceeded her text limit. I got my monthly statement through today - and i've sent no less that 869msgs to her number....Whoops. Baring in mind im not initiating the contact..thats pretty steep! Ha

[askltk]

Askltk, wow So glad to see your update. It sounds like everything is going great and the ball is totally in your court. My only advice is be careful not to jump back into things too quickly. Let her have her space and see that her space is actually quite empty without you, then step by step, inch by inch ... you are on your way back!

 

I think she doesnt like her own space - or too much of it anyway. Dont get me wrong, she always said she likes her "me" time - but she openly admits to having issues with being idle and needing something to do or to see people. I was her outlet for the past 18months, and although we see eachother still (more on my terms with her reaching out) she is left alone alot. She wants to "go out" socially more, but shes sooo focused on her job that this is limited.

 

Anyway quickish update. Yesterday, she was out all day with her friends in London. I was quite pleased actually, as the people she went with were fond of me and i knew that she would be negative about the way we are at the mo (she makes out im doing all the chasing etc..). I've learnt to ignore EVERYTHING she says to her friends, only because I shouldnt know it and it differs hugely from what she tells me - shes protecting herself (she doesnt want to be seen to have made a mistake or feeling week). I had an awesome day at football with family, and got a couple of msgs during the day about "enjoy your day - will speak later". We had our typical before bed text chat, although i drifted off......!

 

Today, I had no plans, so casually went to town. I get a text saying she was there (pure coincidence) with her dad. I was meeting a friend for coffee, so she asked if she could come meet me (which she did). I didnt even initate her coming to see me, all her. It was along stop, just quick chat, but she dropped hints about new years eve, and that she might be having a small gathering that i was welcome to come to! My friend said to ignore it.

 

Im not sure where it will go from here, but feel free to help point me in the right direction! Ha

[askltk]

Couple of developments over the past few days which have turned out to be rather interesting.

 

I’m not one to make New Years Resolutions; I just don’t see the point. If you feel you need to change, do it there and then – not just because a clock pasts 12:00. I’ve been concentrating on myself a lot since the Break Up anyway.

 

Firstly, she has been ill, down in the dumps and generally playing nurse to her family (Father had accident; Sister was dumped by BF, Mum constantly interfering). She takes it upon herself to look after them, but struggles. Anyway, she kept hinting about meeting up, mainly to see MY mum to give her belated Xmas present. I put this off, but actually enjoyed her persistence.

 

In the end, We met up, had coffee with my mum (she got her a really thoughtful present which was a surprise, as well as a thank you card) and talked together. Afterwards, my mum commented how relaxed and casual things were and that (without any false hope) she obviously still wants to be with you.

 

On the route home, she was talking about how she’d been shopping up town, found a bag she loved and wanted to treat herself with her bonus from work, but didn’t want to go up there alone. Coincidentally, I was heading to hospital the next day for routine tests, so suggested that if she wanted to meet up after my appointment, we could go and get it. I didn’t need her to come hospital (she used to come with me when together), nore did I expect her to. Surprisingly, she wanted to come with me. I constantly said you don’t have to, I don’t need you etc.. but she seemed persistent.

 

This was yesterday, and bar waiting for my appointment for an hour, we had a genuinely great day. We shopped, went for lunch, and accompanied her to buy her bag (which secretly I think she wanted me to be with her for, she was all smiles, asking my opinion etc..). We laughed a lot, joked etc.. on one particular situation, we ran up the stair of the tube station, and I pointed out that “all Im doing is staring at your bum – using it for motivation” and gave it a flirty tap - and she laughed!

 

We got back to her’s, and she asked me in to check out these new colours for her bedroom wall. I did so, and suggested an alternate colour, which she liked. I was about to leave as her family were making arrangements for dinner, and she said she was off to the DIY store for a paint sample – and asked if I fancied coming along. We went, and on dropping her off, I left purposefully left the engine running as to make it clear I wasn’t coming back in – she went in for a kiss which was more lips than cheek, but I dodged it and did the polite kiss on the cheek. Easy does it.

 

Like clockwork, she text me shortly after leaving and said “was a good day! Thanks! Very spontaneous”. We texted all night as ever, her leading – me replying sporadically.

 

I pretty much get that we are in odd relationship now which no1 understands. Everyone seems to ask “why does she want contact, meet up etc, if she doesn’t want you” – and my response is always “ask her”. Maybe we have hit the dreaded “friend zone” – but Im more than content with myself at the moment. I’ve found a new lease of confidence and . it’s a relief not fretting over her, worrying if she text or not. Do I want a relationship with her – not now. But im open to her initiating it and seeing what happens – all I know is im not making the first move…!

[Live-N-Learn]

Man, you ex sounds so much like mine and you sound so much like me! I did it for a year bro! Seriously get out, go NC and never look back. If she wants you back she knows where to find you. I pray you don't go through what I went through. The ONLY difference in our stories is I was still sleeping with her all year until the middle of November.

[askltk]

Man, you ex sounds so much like mine and you sound so much like me! I did it for a year bro! Seriously get out, go NC and never look back. If she wants you back she knows where to find you. I pray you don't go through what I went through. The ONLY difference in our stories is I was still sleeping with her all year until the middle of November.

 

Thanks Live - out of curiosity, what did you go through (as a head's up perhaps!). Obviously dont have to say!

[askltk]

Another weekend of progress - completes a very good week on my front.

 

As i stated above, Tuesday was a great day. It really felt like I improving myself, being less needy, more confident and generally feeling great about me. We had a couple of flirty moments, and it did (almost) feel like how it was before we got in that rut.

 

The rest of the working week was pretty standard - although I re-joinned my gym (Xmas excess and that) and got back into my running programme. Contact with the EX was constant as ever - as i've mentionned before, Im not initating any of the inital contact. Most of the time she'll text me when she wakes up, other times not till late afternoon. Eitherway, I dont get worked up about it. Im too busy working

 

Friday night was my friends 25th Bday and we sorted a surprise party - and i was great. People complimented me on my what i wore and how good I looked - and that made it easy to mingle. I was like i'd been injected with confidence and it was great. The ex had been invited, but she went out elsewhere. Me and a few mates stayed over at the hotel, and the ex texts me asking if i had a good night etc.. and she was more than interested about why we got a room / and more importantly who I was sharing with.

 

This is what i've noticed alot more recently - she likes to know what I'm doing, where I'm going, who with. I dont give her the satisfaction most of time - I let the thought linger. I'm not dating or seeing anyone at the moment, but I'd be interested to see her reaction. I'll point out im not playing games with her - Im just keeping things to myself - she doesnt need to know. Another thing I've noticed is that she will text me on nights out / journeys to and from, when her friends can see. I've learnt not to read in anything she says or does, just found it interesting. Her friends constantly say how it seems we are together, and she acts differently when Im around. Anyway...

 

So I was working on saturday (Im renovating / developing a property) so had my phone away as I was busy. I got a message mid afternoon sometime, saying that "ull be pleased to know ive sorted my phone contract for unlimited texts" (She was going over her limits and resorted to sending me app msgs via iPhone which never worked. I made the comment that she should get it sorted!). Oddly, she also sent me a picture msg of a canvas that she thought would look good in my new flat. It happened to match a cusion that she bought me....

 

It's been one of the best weeks since the break up - and I feel like I am moving on, but at the same time having security from her. It's weird, I was under the impression that we as dumpees were lead on by our ex's, to be their rocks. Thats how I saw it at first. Now, Im using this current situation to benefit me, and its oddly empowering.