Is she wanting her cake and eating it?

[MakeItCount]

You must wear a tophat while in London. No arguments there.

 

You've given her an in again. Can it. You recognize what she wants, and you don't want that. You have enough other stuff to consider right now, forget her.

 

Also, that chick has some serious nerve man.

[askltk]

Make it, the Top Hat, Cane and Dapper attire is all ready boxed to go!

 

Suppose I gave her an "in". Fact I know its purpose makes it a whole lot better.

 

She's got some bottle tho. I'm just not the type of person to hold grudges / get angry (even though in this case it would probably be acceptable!).

[askltk]

Just popped back - and shocked myself at the date of the original post! October 2010. Damn!

 

It's been over a year and a half! Wow. I don't know what's worse, the fact that it's gone on for so long - or the fact that I've come back! Ha Fortunately its a positive, which is a rare one!

 

Firstly, I took the jump and moved to the city. This was the culmination of a number of reasons, having become bored with life at home (26 a lived with parents), the social scene had died out locally as friends paired up and moved out / bought property / got engaged etc.. and I basically had enough wining about my life so decided I need to take a risk.

 

Been in 2 weeks now, and although the bright lights have yet to attract my gaze (I'm in a 2 bed flat with a friend that currently consists of boxes!), I'm glad to have the freedom. The main imperative of this is to basically go out and meet new people, experience different things and just "grow up" a bit. I couldn't do that living locally - and I'm a firm believer that to change ones life, you need to make a drastic change. Thats what i thought I needed anyhow. By "meeting different people", i'm not implying my intention is to sleep around with any female that moves - merely integrate myself with people who different.

 

Another part reason for the move was getting away from "the past". That includes the Ex. I'll explain that this is NOT a main reason, just a nice after thought. I could delve further into the details of the benefits of this, but tbh I've bored enough people (including myself!) that i wont bother.

 

Reading my last couple of posts makes me realise that the whole "Ex" situation has come full circle. Last time we were at the "kick starting the emotional tampon" stage. She, for what ever reason, was kicked to the curb by my brothers mate - which came up when she decided to plant herself next to me on the cycle at the gym. Apparently my head down / earphones in wasn't a signal enough. Turned out I was right (basically used her for sex), although she'd never say it like that. Hence why the breaking of NC came out of the blue, and barrage of invitations for breakfast / dinner / gym / visits to family (!) have come up.

 

Since then she's be in more regular contact, trying to recoup that safety net. Even to a point where simply going to the gym has become a opportunity for social interaction (I'm a creature of habit, I got to the gym on set days at set times). Strangely enough, after EVERYTHING thats gone on - I seem to have been the only person to "get" her. NOT.MY.PROBLEM. Its funny that even during the gym sessions, where she decides to question what I'm doing in my life, I remain vague - only to return to question and be bombarded about her next social life. The friend zone (if it's even called that), is a crap place to be - I've been there, I'm not going back.

 

I kept the move from her because she had no reason to know about anything in my life. She found out via a friend of friend. I had told her last year I was thinking about it - and she brushed it off as yet another thing I'd say but never do. Another reason why I did it, i too was aggravated by my own public displays of what I was going to do - and never cutting it. She continued to ask questions about it, putting it down, and then inviting herself round!

 

What's even more humorous now is that she is now seeing "another" guy. 3 dates in a week in fact. All in the same week I moved out. All she continues to say he's just ok, and that she's no time for bf, and that she's not getting her hopes up. I dont care. I didn't ask!

 

 

Apologies if this rambling isn't clear. Snap shot is I'm happy with London life. I am in NIC with EX, but NC is the way forward. I'm not responding to anything that I feel will comprise my new life.

[Ms Darcy]

Are you actually talking to her?

 

Are you seriously dating anyone?

 

I am not confident you have moved on.

 

Hugs buddy!

[MK9]

Funny that when you don't need someone, the person comes back. However, they turn cold and cruel when you need them most.

[askltk]

Darcy - Not Speaking to her (NIC is infact NC, although she still texts about random stuff).

 

I am not seriously dating anyone. Moved to a city to meet expand my horizons on the social front. Why's that?

 

Depends on the term moved on. I haven't met anyone of significance, so I haven't moved on romantically. But to want her back, thats a definite No. If I ever think that's what I wanted again (which I wont), the thought of her with my Bro's mate is enough to make me laugh at myself for even thinking it!

 

But I appreciate the Hugs either way

[askltk]

MK9, it is funny that. I've never "needed" the Ex - but in the past I've "wanted" her.

 

The BU, all that time ago, was mostly because I'd become a needy person - which I've focused on fixing since.

 

She still "needs" me - although in a manner which doesn't warrant me. I continue to be, even in NC, the only person she feels could be there for her. And sadly, as much as it pains me, I'm the type of guy that would help if needed. It's a trait that see's me get used, but it's not one I'd change.

 

She's been cold when she's "seeing" someone. She comes crawling back for attention when they get bored and bin her.

 

But back to your point - when you don't care, they come back. When they get what that want, they go away again.

[askltk]

Just to add - the "seriously" seeing someone isn't for the want of trying!

[tryharder83]

ask.. that was tough i've read through all the post! back from day one and i took me a week to finish.. it got me really interested. remember the non-chalant phase you were experimenting on? got me hooked where that will lead. and seeing that the post was way back last year i held it off and read through everything so would get the clear picture of how it will end up. i somehow realate myself to you. and im hoping what im going thru now will not take as long as you have. but hats off to you ask since i could only imagine. i would also post my situation and start a thread so i can have a clear advice as well as you have been getting from people out here. what they were saying i find is really helpful (real, make it, and others). hope you understand my english not my first

language.

 

anyways, good luck ask.. hopelfully you are really on the road to healing. we'll all get there!

[askltk]

Good effort on the English front try!

 

Credit to you for reading the whole thing. Can't remember if I have ever done that! More out of fear than anything else. It's all well and good documenting ones heartache, it's another to read through it and take nothing from it.

 

The "non-chalant" phase was nothing more than reading on other posts for a "quick fix" solution and trying to get the Ex back. I was frantically searching for anything that had positivity. Besides, it never really helped anything, because a the flick of switch I became dependant again. At least that phase is over!

 

I'd recommend posting in here, everyone is in the same boat, gone through the same things and want the same outcomes. But take it from me, the advice you get - listen to it. MakeIt, Real etc... continued to give me sound advice throughout , and i never took it on board. Hence, after over a year - I still post here (thats for other reason's, but I would have been at this stage sooner had i listened).

 

Anyway - good luck!

[askltk]

Find myself back. Started another post in healing, trying to get some clarity on my "emotional self harm".

 

An interesting quote came up that, the reason we keep doing is because we still have lessons to learn. I clearly do. Having gone 18 months post BU, I still care about her. WHY!?

 

The move to London is a culture shock - in a good way. However, the draw of home continues. My journey of self discovery and independence is in its primitive years, but for some reason I miss the comforts of home - and that leads to missing her.

 

The Ex is now official with a new guy. Found out via FB (I was "friends" with the other guy). I don't want a relationship with her, but why do I feel gutted. It's not a desire to be with her. It's not because we're even talking. Maybe it's that feeling of being replaced formally now. I shouldn't care. Damn it.

[MK9]

18 months! holy smoke, the maximum time we should get over a girl that do not reciprocate, is 5 min.

[askltk]

18 months! holy smoke, the maximum time we should get over a girl that do not reciprocate, is 5 min.

 

Agreed. Wish I'd make it that simple! HA

[professorplum]

I'm shocked Ask after following this story from the beginning. Your recent posts have been so positive and upbeat so I didn't think this was on the agenda.

 

I think this might be a blip and if you give yourself more time in London then it might not be the issue you currently think it is. What exactly are you missing? You weren't missing her for some time so perhaps you are not actually missing her now. It is more the fact that she is associated with a past life which you are currently clinging onto.

 

From a selfish point of view your situation makes me feel better about my situation as there are times when I despise the way I am still attached to an individual I work with but who is actually going out with someone else. I too was thinking of moving so given your comments I may well reconsider.

 

Keep posting - you will get through this.

[BrokenOverYou]

Editing this as i just realised the post was off 2 years ago XD.

 

My advice to people is to listen to the advice people give on this site, a while back i came on this site asking for advice and the advice i got i didnt take but what they said turned out to be true, she dumped me as soon as someone else came along, i should have listened and maybe i could have saved myself some hurt.

[askltk]

Well credit where its due - following this from day dot is an achievement in itself!

 

I think it's a blip too. I'm giving the London move a real go, and like you said it dont think it will be an issue in the medium term.

 

What am I missing? I think its having someone, in a romantic sense - or even just someone to meet up with for coffee etc. I think that, and the culmination of her being official with someone else, is what got me yesterday. But i think your right, I'm clinging onto that past life - not her, but home life. Think its cold feet, fearing the unknown. I'll come good.

 

Im genuinely glad that you take something from, the whole point of me doing this was not only to vent my own feelings - but somehow aid others in not making the same mistakes. I moved for a lot of reasons, and because I promised myself that I wasn't going to repeat 2011, moaning about things and never "stepping up to the plate". I wanted change, and I've got it in abundance.

 

The only thing that I've missing is a social companion - which is a bit of a soppy way of saying a girlfriend. I know that once I have someone, I will not give two toots about what she's up to, with whom and where.

 

I just get annoyed as why do I care - I don't want her, I don't need her. Why bother?

 

(I also like a good vent!)

[askltk]

Editing this as i just realised the post was off 2 years ago XD.

 

My advice to people is to listen to the advice people give on this site, a while back i came on this site asking for advice and the advice i got i didnt take but what they said turned out to be true, she dumped me as soon as someone else came along, i should have listened and maybe i could have saved myself some hurt.

 

Totally agree. People on this site are a gold mine of genuine knowledge and experience. We all come here looking for advice, and oddly my adivce would be is to TAKE THE ADVICE. This entire thread is littered with my bad choices, having ignored sounds advice from the off. Look for posts here from MakeItCount and Real, complete strangers who have given great advice consistently, even when ive chosen to do the complete opposite.

[martyfarty]

here is my story:

 

we broke up 7 months ago. she strung me a long for 7 months

a few weeks ago she came looking for me to see what we were.

i told her i saw her as my wife one day and she agreed that she saw me as her husband some day

we kissed and ate dinner

i also told her what was healthy and non healty for me. her talking to the other guy was un healthy for me

 

well, a week pasted and i got a bit stocker status on her because my mind was rushing with stupid thoughts

i went over to her place and saw her car. i rang the door bell, she wasn't home but her roomates where there, so i went into her room

 

then sunday came, i was drinking w/ the boys. i went over to her place and she picked up. she told me she didn't want me in her life anymore, etc....

 

i flipped out. i was full of anger. i told her how i felt and she told me that i don't deserve someone like her, etc... i completely crushed her by my story on how i felt.

 

she then got scared. ran away from me. hid in the bushes. but i didn't do anything bad.

 

i told her i wanted the dog, etc... but deep down i was just doing that crap to see if she had to money to or not. if she told me the truth i would have been 'cool. at least u told me the truth' instead she gave me the run around.

 

but deep down i didn't want to do anything bad. so i left it at that. been on NC for 4 days now.

 

am i a bad person? i to take blame for my actions.

[askltk]

You've come to the right place Marty, if you want some specific advice on your story, I'd start your own thread - that way you'll get the attention you need. I would also avoid tagging onto this one, as if you've read any of it, you'll know I'm prob not the best to to give advice! Ha

[MK9]

You're my hero, askltk. You are a shinny example, that we're not alone. Made me feel like my suffering is natural.

[askltk]

You're my hero, askltk. You are a shinny example, that we're not alone. Made me feel like my suffering is natural.

 

Glad this thread could do some good to others, as it has aided me.

 

I'm a shining example of the wrong way to deal with a break up - and this is one that ended amicably with no huge argument or ill feeling.

 

Suffering is natural, and we all fight this in our own way. Some chose to take on the fear of the unknown early, others decided to prolong the anguish over time. All I would say, an I mean this, don't do ANYTHING that I've done for the first year. Don't let your "feelings" for an Ex overshadow the real important aspect of a dumpee break up - YOU!

[MK9]

Glad this thread could do some good to others, as it has aided me.

 

I'm a shining example of the wrong way to deal with a break up - and this is one that ended amicably with no huge argument or ill feeling.

 

Suffering is natural, and we all fight this in our own way. Some chose to take on the fear of the unknown early, others decided to prolong the anguish over time. All I would say, an I mean this, don't do ANYTHING that I've done for the first year. Don't let your "feelings" for an Ex overshadow the real important aspect of a dumpee break up - YOU!

 

Thanks brotha!

[askltk]

So, thought I'd pop my head back in here, see where I left off 4 1/2 months ago.

 

Reading this back, Im ashamed and appaulded - was I really that pathetic? It's all part of a process I suppose, but as many on here had quite rightly pointed out to me, it was self inflicted.

 

Where am I now? In a dam sight better place. I moved to the City, lived out the summer with great friends, the Olympics as a back drop. Dated a few girls, some ended, one stayed around. She's nothing like the ex, for all the right reasons. It's fairly casual for the minute, having dated for 2 months, but it's got potential.

 

I want to come here and say I hate the ex, and that we don't talk etc.. but I'll keep with the parameters is set myself originally by not lying. We talk reguarly, have even meet up time to time. She's made her way through 3 - 4 guys since (all hearsay), but I chose to not comment - Im not fussed. There's been flutters of reconcillation, however i refused to get sucked into that trap (for once!)

 

2 years is a long time, esp when you feel like you've wasted it (like I do). For all those that read this, my thread, or contribute to anything on ENA - know this... The people on here genuinely come here to search for that elusive quick fix - be it reconcillation or to speed up the headling process. It doesn't exisit. Those who have stuck around here have been where you are - so listen. I didn't, I now I'm one of those who regrets it.

[SleeveHeart]

I spent 2 full days reading all of it! This thread has helped me so much. How's life now ask?