Is she wanting her cake and eating it?

[22n32]

Lnl.. good for u bro. She Texted recently?

[Live-N-Learn]

Nope, Have not heard from her since. It's only been a few weeks and I am sure she knows it is for the best not to contact me again. I was pretty clear in our conversation that I did not want to hear from her anymore. That I wanted to move on and did not want to be friends. Wtih that said, I don't doubt I will hear from her again one of these nights when she is out getting drunk.

 

I tried to close all doors with her and told her to keep the money she owed me but she said no I will find a way to pay you back. So she left and excuse to reach out to me. Ugh, really don't want to hear from her it will only set me back.

[MakeItCount]

LIve, good for you man. Don't take her s**t anymore. I agree with you, I would've handled things much better if I would've found this site earlier. But as your name suggests, we live n we learn. Life DOES go on after the ex- that's all we gotta remember. You got your kids, your #1 priority, so concentrate on that. Everyone here must find something to concentrate on to help us keep distracted - for me it's my health, quitting smoking, etc etc.

 

Stay strong bro, after all you've gone through, it seems you're finally manning up and doing what you gotta do. Keep venting, we got you.

[askltk]

Great to see the unity on here - it really does help! Please keep posting your own stories in this thread, makes great reading.

 

Will try an update later!

[Real Deal]

Gents - I hate to beat a dead horse but I feel pretty strongly about this stuff so below is something I posted on another thread. This is more true we will ever know.

 

 

**** is right. Do not contact her. It will only prolong your healing process and lessen any chance of you getting her back (sounds like that is what you want). Okay, now for the harsh stuff. In reading your first post above several things are obvious.

 

1) She views you as weak and needy. She views you as the victim. This has to change. Not for her sake or to get her back either but for you, and you alone. Why does she view you this way? Because you view yourself and the dynamic of the relationship this way. Make sense? Why is she asking you if you are "okay" or whatever? This means she feels sorry for you, which means she as all the power (and she does at this point). Nothing is going to change until you make a literal shift within. You mention she is not girly-girl - neither was my ex but for the majority of our 13 year relationship I was very much a man and she was madly attracted to me so there was no issue. However, the last two years of it I had some health issues and *I* became less of the leader in the relationship (and very needy and jealous over silly stuff). Looking back now this absolutely killed her attraction for me (and rightfully so). It sounds like this has always been the dynamic in your relationship and she knows this. Until YOU change this will always be the case. Think about it - why is she asking you if you are okay? The man should be the one wondering this, not the other way around. This is not to say we do not have feelings and some pain over the loss of the relationship but you must STOP viewing yourself as the victim. As long as you do she will too. Bottom line - Barring abuse or cheating a woman will NEVER leave a man she is deeply attracted to, PERIOD! Unfortunately many women will even stay with a man that does cheat and abuse them (bad but it happens).

 

2) What other purpose do you have besides this woman (or women in general)? I mean really. What is your passion in life? If you don't know you need to figure it out and now. What I am saying is you MUST have other things in your life that you love besides a woman. Why? Because it makes you non-needy and that is very attractive to a woman. I am not talking about sitting around and watching football on Sunday and drinking beer either. While this is fine to do if you enjoy it this is not a PURPOSE. When you have something(s) that you are passionate about this projects that you are centered in your life with or without a woman in it and that no matter what happens you will be just fine. Does this mean that you do not care about the relationship or will not have some hurt if it ends? No, but I have never seen a man that has multiple things in his life that he really cares about have trouble with women. I too am in this place and once I made that shift my ex wanted me back big time because I was not focused on her anymore (they sense this somehow). Not to mention every single woman that I have been with in any way, shape or form (just sexual or actual relationship) since my split has wanted more from the relationship and follows me around like little puppy dogs. I say this not to sound arrogant or like a male chauvinist or anything like that, but it is true. Why? Because if they decide that they do not want the relationship anymore I will be just fine without it and this is one of the most powerful things a man can do to build attraction. Make sense?

[Live-N-Learn]

Great post deal. I too am working on building a full life for myself without anyone in it. I agree wholeheartedly with you post above.

 

I am glad I had the conversation with her and told her I was going NC and could not be her friend. She knows I still care about her and that may still make her think she has all the power and could contact me tomorrow and I would come back. I believe that may be what she thinks. So I am not sure if I have earned any respect back from her or any power. Really doesn't matter in the long run what she thinks.

 

A mutual friend of ours said he was driving in from another city to visit a week ago or so and I told him to let me know where he ended up and I would meet him. He text me and told me where he was and I knew it was a favorite hang out of my ex. I asked if she was there and he said OMG she just walked in with her girlfriend. I told him I would not be coming out and to have fun.

 

I guess they talked and she asked him what he was doing in town and he told her he was gonna hang out with me and a couple other friends. She asked if I knew she was there and he told her yes and that I said I was not coming cuz I did not want to see her. She responded and said OH, yeah him and I are good, were just taking some time apart. She really thinks I will reach out to her one day when I am good with only friendship. She will never hear from me. She even told me on the phone when we were talking to hurry up and get over it so we could hang out again. lol

 

In that past I would have shown up just to see her. I feel good that I did not go. Don't know if I gained any respect from her or not by not going or looked weaker. All I know is it was the right thing for me to do. I told her I was going NC so going would have been breaking it in my opinion since I knew she was there and would have made me look pathetic.

 

Anyways we ended on a good note...so it's best to just leave it alone and let her think someday I will contact her again if I decide I want to be nothing more than friends. By the time I get to that point I can guarantee you I will not want the friendship. I assume everyday I stay strong and do not contact her she gains respect for me and it helps to take her off her pedestal. My have 3 mutual friends that still really like me and text me all the time. I always tell them I am doing fine and stay positive. I am sure they tell her.

[Real Deal]

He should have told her you were hanging with your GF is why you weren't coming. Then again that would be manipulative but still funny.

[askltk]

Phone bill just in - 1 month's worth of text messages..... 1435 to her. * * * !

 

Think we text a bit much...? Ha

 

(BTW were still talking at mo (will update later), I'm half thinking i'l send this and say something along the lines of "seeing as we're not together - this is a bit much dont you think!")

[Real Deal]

next month should so 0 outgoing....

[professorplum]

Wow. I thought it was only 1 text per day in reponse to her daily one. This is something to think about.

[askltk]

Prof - sorry could you elaborate?

 

Her daily uninitiated text is usually the start of text conversations we have during the day. She is very forthcoming with communication, more so recently while I've been less available, working out and being social with others.

[Mrs Popsicle]

Hey ask how are you doing?

With all the text communication (albeit initiated by her) is she really knowing what it's like to not have you in her life? Not as a punishment, I mean as a consequence of her deciding to end it? I know that you are in a better place now than previously, but I can't help but wonder if she really is having her cake and eating it?

 

Mrs Popsicle

[professorplum]

It was nothing deep ask. I had just assumed she sent you a text [albeit a long one] and you then responded. Being a bit naive I suppose to think there would not be several per day once the first one was received. Just think, her bill will be just as large as yours - will this make her consider where this is going?

[askltk]

Luckily, I made her change her tariff whilst we were together to have unlimited msgs, to save money. As did I. So, i doubt she'll even realise she's sent me that many! Ha Hence why i thought about sending her a pic of it to show her just how much we're talking.....Hmm.

 

Not sure if it will make consider our situation. I dont text back straight away, as usually i leave my phone well away from me so i can concentrate on my work, gym workout or social activity. I'm pasted the stage of constantly checking my phone every 10 minutes in hope of a text.

[rich46]

while I've been less available.

 

1435 to her

Dreamland.

[askltk]

Pops - your right, she never hasnt been able to contact me. I think that's because i never saw it as something that has prevented my own personal improvement.

 

Like you said, I'm in a much better place now, which I've done without NC. In fact, I've used it as a open route of communication to make her visibly aware that I'm 1)bettering myself 2)fine without her 3)dont need her.

 

However, after last weekend, and with the great help from Real / Rob / Makeit etc.. I know that this contact has to stop. Not because it's a punishment - but to make her realise that I respect her decision not to be together, therefore I will back away.

[askltk]

Dreamland.

 

I see what your saying - quite contradictory statements! Ha

 

I meant it that we hadn't met up at all (bar tuesday) for almost a month - hence why the OTT texts amount.

 

Purely out of curiosity, in all of your experiences is it normal for an Ex to be so forthcoming / persistent?

[Real Deal]

Yes, it makes them feel less guilty if they are nice to you. If a woman ever asks "how are you doing/feeling?" in relation to the BU, she still holds all the power. This is not open for further discussion (ha). She does not want to be with you but wants you to want her still. Kind of sad actually and while you may think "awww she is being nice" it is totally narcissistic behavior. She is still calling the shots here and will continue to as long as you let her. We can all try to help you but if you don't make the choice for yourself it will never change....at least until she finds some other dude to use as an emotional crutch. Then you will stop getting text at all and will be really a$$ hurt. Your call man....

[rich46]

I see what your saying - quite contradictory statements! Ha

 

I meant it that we hadn't met up at all (bar tuesday) for almost a month - hence why the OTT texts amount.

 

Purely out of curiosity, in all of your experiences is it normal for an Ex to be so forthcoming / persistent?

The reason why I follow this thread is because I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of this treatment.

 

In 2004, when I was 23 years old, my first love of over three years ending it with me, and to say I was devastated is a massive understatement. My mum has since said that they thought they were going to lose me, and I lost a lot of weight. However, despite this, I was strong enough to stick with NC. OK the first 2 or 3 weeks I tried in vain to be "best friends" and even met up with her on her birthday, gave her gifts, flirted, but.....went our separate ways at the end of the evening. That night is still vivid to me, as it is the most hurt I've ever felt in my life, but it prompted me to abort the friends idea, so I called her the next day and told her how I felt (and went NC). She was surprised and cried herself.

 

2-3 months later, she called out of the blue and sounded a complete wreck. Her rebound hadn't treated her well at all, etc etc. However, by this stage, I was a lot stronger and I had decided to go travelling for a year in New Zealand. This really did surprise her! She cried again. Surprisingly, I wasn't affected by her call and continued moving forward. In fact, it just validated my decision to cut ties as I was so much stronger, and I was proud of myself for being strong in the face of the most unimaginable heartbreak.

 

Point is, you are not being strong at all right now (in her eyes anyway).

 

Be a man. Stop all this contact. You have been told dozens of times in this thread, but you have barely taken any of it on board.

 

I apologise for my harsh tone, but it touches a nerve when exes string people along, as she undoubtedly is doing to you.

 

Rich

[professorplum]

Rich,

 

I too follow this thread because it is directly relevant to my situation. Are you saying your ex was possibly looking for reconciliation after the rebound failed or rather it was emotional comfort and support she was after?

[askltk]

Plum - May I ask how this relates directly to your own situation?

 

Rich - No offense or anything taken, really no need to apologise. If anything, I should apologise to you! But appreciate all the advice who have been in similar positions to my own.

[rich46]

Rich,

 

I too follow this thread because it is directly relevant to my situation. Are you saying your ex was possibly looking for reconciliation after the rebound failed or rather it was emotional comfort and support she was after?

I really don't know the answer to that question.

 

She basically rang me on consecutive days, and she sounded very pitiful to be honest. I felt sorry for her. She was only 21 years old and clearly very confused. I think she expected me to wait around for her, and so when I did NC she thought the natural option was to rebound. It must have been a shock to her how strong I sounded, compared to the previous occasion some 2-3 months prior, when I was a wreck.

 

Anyway, on the third day in a row, she called my house while I was at work. My Mum claims that my ex hung up without speaking, and that was the end of it. My own theory (knowing my Mum) is that she spoke to her and explained how it was better to leave me alone due to my New Zealand plans. I've never challenged my Mum about this, because if she did do it, then it was for my own benefit.

 

I didn't want to get back with my ex anyway as it was a choice between staying at home and going to New Zealand for a year...I think I made the right choice!

 

Fast forward a couple of years, and out of the blue I got a "poke" on Facebook from the ex! We exchanged a few messages back and forth, and it was good to hear from her to be honest. It is strange how feelings fade over time though. Back during and after the break up, I was in turmoil, but then I felt nothing as a lot of time had passed.

 

So I guess the moral of the story is time and NC are the only two things that will facilitate healing.

[Real Deal]

Listen to Rich. See, he HAD gotten to a better place and she was shocked by how strong he was. Your goal should never be getting her back but your goal should be to attain a level of clarity where you KNOW that you will make the right choice for YOU when the time comes. If you sit around waiting for it to happen it is much less likely to. There is no logic to it but I believe strongly in us being detached from the outcome of things (everything in life). This does not mean no goals or emotions but rather that you KNOW if something doesn't go your way that something better will likely come along (relationship, job, friends, etc.)

[Mrs Popsicle]

Hey ask, just wondering how you were doing?

[askltk]

Hey Pop's

 

Not been on here much recently - had loads of stuff on and I've been trying to take on board alot of what people have been saying on here recently (thanks for the advice guys).

 

Overall - I'm doing good! Had a great weekend (family party) and really put into perspective what really matters to me - and how this situation with the Ex is no longer on my list of priorities.

 

Its's obviously V day today - something we never celebrated whilst together. Think it's the fact you almost "made" to show someone you care for them, where (rightly or wrongly) I tried to daily! So not expecting anything! Ha