Real Deal Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Just please do yourself a favor and let it go bro. I hate to see people holding onto any bits of crumbs an ex throws at them. I did the same and wasted soo much time out of my life. Dont make the same mistakes. I know you do not initiate the contact(the x did the same to me), but that is because she is controling the situation. Be true to yourself. It hurts like hell to finally let it go and realize that there isnt any future but the sooner you do the better off you will be. Chris Wise statement for sure. You are rationalizing reasons to talk to her. Link to comment
askltk Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 Thanks both of you. I suppose I am rationalising reasons to, assumed that her wanting to communicate was sufficient enough. I was previously happy with my progress, just hit lull! Never quite got it right, the balance between giving her space (ie not contacting her) to regaining control (which she clearly has when she initiates all contact). Lizard - can I ask how long you "wasted"? Real - just noticed you statement at the bottom of your post's. Can't agree me - clearly measure of how needy one could be, and how much is sacrificed of themselves for someone who doesn't deserve it. Link to comment
askltk Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 *real - that last sentence should be "I couldn't agree more!" Feeling bit bitter today! HA Link to comment
LIzardKing Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 To answer you question it was over a year that I was holding on to false hope. She strung me along and I willing took part in it. You can only play victim once. Hard lesson that I learned. Its crazy how you think you know someone. Im telling you its gonna suck when you realize that it is over and it will never be the same. But after awhile you will see her for she really is and at that point you wont even want to be with her. The truth is she is out there living her life, do you really think she is sitting home worrying about whats going on with you? You have to go out and live your life and get out of being in a comfort zone. Chris Link to comment
askltk Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 To answer you question it was over a year that I was holding on to false hope. She strung me along and I willing took part in it. You can only play victim once. Hard lesson that I learned. Its crazy how you think you know someone. Im telling you its gonna suck when you realize that it is over and it will never be the same. But after awhile you will see her for she really is and at that point you wont even want to be with her. The truth is she is out there living her life, do you really think she is sitting home worrying about whats going on with you? You have to go out and live your life and get out of being in a comfort zone. Chris Couldn't agree with you more. Just wish Id listened to ALL those people on here that warned me about contact, and how it messes with progress and healing. (apologies guys - my thick skull was being lead by false hope!) Yep - It's gonna suck massively! Frustratingly, I got used to the contact - and in the same way thought that by me not chasing, that somehow made me look less needy. I thought I knew her - but I don't anymore. She's not who I feel in love with. Link to comment
gallop30 Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 she is the one you fell in love with,but you're not the one she fell in love with. big fkn difference are you a man or a mouse? Link to comment
askltk Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 Gallop - We were both in love, her even before me - she just lost it earlier than I did. Time to Man Up! Ha After today I'm on vacation for 2 weeks - perfect way to start. Link to comment
Sunshine7 Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 I have a question (because my ex bf of 6 years strung me along undecided about what he wanted then finally finished it with me to be with someone else last sunday) - during our relationship whenever we fought he would ignore me and i would text and apologise regardless of whos fault and he would ignore until i left him and then he would contact me. for the whole 6 years that happened - i never went away, now he has said its over and i tried for a week to sort it out over the phone, on saturday went to see him and he is sure its over. My question . ..sorry . . .is if I never left him at all during 6 years and he is so sure i never will as he said 'i would never go unless he got a court order' (so irrational) what will he be thinking when he realises i have ? i mean i know there is someone new but it was 6 years and his longest relationship. Link to comment
LIzardKing Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Hey Sunshine Sorry you are going through this right now. It sucks but it sounds like to me that he was taking advantage of the situation because he knew you would always be there. Is that the type of person that you would want to be with anyway? Dont settle for anything less than you deserve. I know six years is a long time and its going take time to heal but in the long run you are better off. I know how hard it is to let of go of someone but its really your only option. Take care of yourself! Chris Link to comment
askltk Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 Agree with Lizard, if he knew you'd do the same thing over and over, he could rely on the fact that you'd come back. My ex, although were not together - still makes contact like we are. Like the mug i kept going back, responding, meeting, helping. I was getting something out of it through knowing she was there - but after a while it felt hollow. You;ll be fine - we all will (myself included) Link to comment
Sunshine7 Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Do you think he will be thinking i will come back again now? how long will it take for the penny to drop with him (when will he realise i wont be?) Link to comment
askltk Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 I wouldn't bother dwelling on it - you can't guess what they are thinking, nore will you have know. Don't waste your own time waiting, if your not going back to him - it doesn't matter when he realises. Link to comment
Real Deal Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Do you think he will be thinking i will come back again now? how long will it take for the penny to drop with him (when will he realise i wont be?) How long? However long it takes you to not want him at all. That is when he will come back. Link to comment
Sunshine7 Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 so do you think it will happen once i get to the day they no longer cross my mind? why does that always happen? Link to comment
Real Deal Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 so do you think it will happen once i get to the day they no longer cross my mind? why does that always happen? No, you may still think about him but when you make your life great without him (whether you have someone else or not) is when he will notice. This is what people that are unsure of themselves do when they are the dumper. Women generally do it more, and for different reasons than men do, but the men that do it are generally insecure and need their egos fed (same with women). Pretty basic stuff and it is predictable what will happen if the dumpee plays their cards right. Not caring anymore is the key. No anger, no resentment and if anything you TRULY want the best for your ex, but you are 100% indifferent whether or not they are with someone else and you become the source of your own power. I can't speak as a woman, but as a man it is the most powerful mindset and frame he can have. Not to mention he will have more women that want him than he knows what to do with...haha. But this is does not affect him either way. Everyone could hate or love him and he is still happy regardless. So, as a man I would find that attractive in a woman so I imagine the same applies with your ex. Link to comment
MakeItCount Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 ask, you still alive out there man? Link to comment
askltk Posted April 26, 2011 Author Share Posted April 26, 2011 Alive and well MakeIt! First of – loving this "They just want you as a friend so they can ween themselves off you. They want their cake and eat it too. So I chose to shove the cake down his throat" - Karma20 I decided that, having read through some of my posts over the past 6 months (has it really been that long!), I came to the assumption that ranting on here wasn’t doing me much good – and in fact made me obsess about the situation more than I should. The board helped my HUGELY (and you guys take credit for this), but I found myself waiting on tender hooks for replies that would somehow give me an answer that would solve my problem – a mindset that I took on myself. Anyway – enough the past, onto the present! Part of the reason for my inactivity was I went away at the start of the month – to Vegas – with 7 of my mates. It goes without saying, but it was the best time we’d all ever had together, and it really hit home a number of things which I had let slip during my relationship and subsequent BU. 1) Your mates will be honest with you, listen to them 2) There are so many positives in my life 3) *and the most important for me* there are PLENTY of fish in the sea! I came to the conclusion that with my Ex, I still enjoyed her company, the comfort our conversations gave me and the idea that us talking would make the BU easier. In reality, it wasn’t “her” I craved, it was comfort of being in a relationship with someone. It’s funny, a little uninitiated female attention and it changed my whole mindset! I kept up with the ex contact because it still gave me something. Leaving out the details – I basically met a British girl in Vegas who crazily lives less than 45min drive away from me – and she was keen on me. She’s actively pursued me (a welcome change), which I’ve got a real kick out of. I’m more relaxed, funny and dare I say it, nonchalant! There is real truth in the saying “the less interest you show, the more keen they become”. Because of this new “connection” with a girl I met in Vegas, I haven’t been the slightest bit bothered about my ex contact. It’s a refreshing change not having my mind wonder. Taking all the above into count – heres the situation as it stands…! I’m STILL in contact with my Ex, but its completely changed in context. She’s always initiated contact (which in looking back I’ve preached to you guys as to somehow justify our communication as OK), but now its with ridiculous regularity, with warmth and flirtations. She’s offered me out on trips, lunches, dinners, nights in at hers etc… and I’ve sporadically accepted those that benefited me, with an air of confidence that has lacked over the past 6 months. I’m more myself than ever before – I’m not treading on eggs shells anymore. More so, her actions recently (I wont go into the details) have had me coming out smelling of roses. Her family love me and her friends know the real truth about where we stand. I came up trumps in a huge way, and it became obvious that she wasn’t as “over me”, or I wasn’t as clingy, as she’d been telling everyone. The wonders of alcohol! Ha As for Vegas girl, we text every day and have a great laugh together. We flirt a lot, which is only a good thing, and I love the attention. We went on our first “date” over the bank holiday, which was fun and could lead to other things later on. I’m happy just to be dating at mo. I’ll keep you guys updated with my progess – I genuinely feel like I’ve turned that corner now. Link to comment
stuka80 Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 good to hear ask, keep us updated Link to comment
askltk Posted May 4, 2011 Author Share Posted May 4, 2011 How quickly a good mood can change. I was on top of the world last time i posted, the Ex was eating out the palm of my hand (or so i thought) and had a new girl who seemed keen. Today - new girl is running cold, whilst the ex (chatty as ever) cancelled on me for "dinner with an old friend from school". I'm not stupid - I know it's the guy she saw at school - (7 years ago). The most annoying thing is I'm bothered by it - more than I thought. We're not ones to discuss our new dating (in fact i think we both try hard to keep it quiet). She's also been quite blunt about our "friendship" - she had a recent incident with a guy friend who really came on to her, to a point now where its awkard between them - and has really preached tho whole "we are good mates even with history", and that "we both know where we stand"! Like i need telling! I joked if i was to make a move i'll keep it to myself - which she said "that would be adivsed!" Cheek of it. Sure it's just a bad day! But you guys may see more of me than i origanlly thought! Ha Link to comment
askltk Posted May 9, 2011 Author Share Posted May 9, 2011 Interesting predicament I find myself in - and wouldn't mind some advice The Ex never went on her dinner / drinks with "old friend" - she was too busy and couldn't be bothered so cancelled on him (which apparently he took offence to). I wasn't actually bothered either way - but got the impression she was somehow justifying her reasons to me. She even bad mouthed the guy.I think we both choose to protect each other's feelings when it comes to dating - had she not let me down I she wouldn't have mentioned it. Anyway, I'm kind of dating Vegas girl - she had justifiable reason for going cold on me, and we're back to how we were, which is really casual flirting. Due to the difference in location, were not meeting up as much as either of us would like, and with busy work commitments its hard to sync the diaries. Because of that, it's not at all serious, but I'm enjoying the attention. Baring in mind that we both now seem to be inclined to dating, I've read alot different articles which have said that being seen to have others attracted to you is a good way to show them that your moving on. I'll point out that im not out to make the Ex jealous, I'm just pondering the idea that, should it come up in conversation (like her's has), i should mention it? Or is it better just to completely ignore it? Usually I'd let her find out naturally, but (and I've mentioned this before), I have this odd guilt like feeling like I'm some how cheating. I'm not, clearly, but I find myself going out of my way to protect my new "relationship" from her - to the extent that very few people know about it, as to prevent her finding out. Link to comment
Real Deal Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 ask - why hide things? Granted, don't be out in the open and go out of your way to let her know but just live your life - ON YOUR TERMS. If the new gal "goes cold" again I would cut her off. Sounds like too much hassle for my liking. Think about it, if she does this early on when things are supposed to be great she will be a HUGE pain in the a$$ down the road. No need to be mean about it but I would not waste any time on her. Sure, the flirting/attention is nice and gives an ego bosst but don't look for validation outside of yourself or you will end up in the same spot as you are with the ex. As for the ex, it still sounds to me like you are taking crumbs from her. Just my two cents. Whether true or not this is how she perceives it. She went out of her way to let you know about her date. Does not sound like someone that I would classify as a 'quality' woman. Especially one that you have so much history with. However, only you can decide your level of intereaction with her but continued conversation will keep you on the same track for a long, long time. How do I know this you ask? For one, I have been there already. Two - you said it yourself in your post on 5-4-11 in that you were upset by something she did/said. You are far enough along in the process that her actions, or lack of should have minimal - if any - impact on your flow. Link to comment
askltk Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 Real, great to hear from you, thanks again for your input! You 2 cents is worth 000's! HA I don't know why I'm hiding things. Genuinely, i have no need to. But deep down, I somehow don't want the Ex to find out - especially not through Chinese whispers. I almost like I'm doing something wrong, like I'm somehow cheating on her. I'm obviously not! Ha Maybe i'm trying to protect her feelings (baring in mind its not my place too - as she cared so little about mine). New Girl's extremely casual - and like you said it's nice having that flirtatious, light contact with someone. She had her reason for going cold (family illness) which I totally understand. As for the Ex - she said she was meeting an Old friend at first, then a week later said she cancelled on him. We discussed it even. I know she'll end up meeting up with him, and to be honest although i'll admit i was bothered at first - she's doing no differently to what I'm doing. Besides, I have no justification to have any feelings. I did post in another forum about whether i should mention the new gal - not to make her jealous or anything, if it comes up in convo. She is feeding me crumbs at the minute - more than usual but still measly crumbs. How long did you put up with this before you finally saw the light? and what made you see? (if you dont mind me asking). Link to comment
askltk Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 Another Crumb to the pile - she discussed how she needed a holiday, and that "she'd like to think that we could still go away together, as we have the same tastes in places to go"...... Link to comment
LIzardKing Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Dude dont get sucked back into the bull ishh!! Be true to yourself. Any progress that you have made will be all lost. I really dont know what its gonna take for you to understand that its over! Its been over! She playing you dont kid yourself. How long do you wanna keep playing games? You are just wasting your time. Chris Link to comment
askltk Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 Lizard - I know man - it's not so much accepting its over, I'm fully aware of that, it's the NIC that's slowing me down. I'm not reading into her crumbs. I'd never go away with her, or anything else that could be considered as "couply". I get frustrated with myself, as if i saw someone in my situation I'd be screaming at them (like you guys quite rightly have) to sever it. Give her what she wanted with NC. I have made progress - admittedly not as quickly, but I'm past getting sucked back in. New Girl just asked me out, and i'm grinning ear to ear now. Link to comment
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