Is she wanting her cake and eating it?

[Real Deal]

ask - took me almost a year to see the light. I had moved away for work but would visit from time to time when I couldn't have my kids at my house I would go see them. March and May of last year to be precise. Both times she begged me to stay at the house, both times we had insane amounts of sex that she initiated, both times she went cold on me with the last time her telling me the next day that she was seeing someone else and thinks she "might be in love". This being THE NEXT DAY after she threw the cat my way but only after crying her eyes out and telling me how much she loves/misses me and then prying me for info on "where I was at" and "how did I feel about her".

 

Pretty crazy stuff but it made it easy for me to move on from there an not look back. The whole time since I have been upbeat, happy and genuinely nice (mainly for the kids sake) and she turned into a bitter, hating old broad. Kind of sad but I spent the better part of the last year not getting baited into arguments and her craziness. She got all freaked out when I got into a semi-serious relationship (that I ended a few months ago) even though she was in one well before me. I just ignored the behavior as if it was that of a two year old. Well, ffwd to about a month ago and even though she is with some other dude she calls me often now and sends me texts, mostly random stuff. She even said she "misses talking to me" a few weeks ago, but I ignored it (in a nice way) and kept the convo about our kids. How was I able to do that? I just don't have those feelings for her any longer. She killed it. Actually I did, but her actions made me realize I am too cool for reindeer games.

 

The reason why I am typing all this out is we all have a breaking point and only you can decide what that is. I too felt the "guilt" you speak of when we hooked up last year becuase I had messed around with a bunch of girls prior to that. I felt like I 'owed' her given our 12 yr marriage, 3 kids, etc. Nonsense for sure.

 

NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING is more important than self-respect. Every single time we eat those crumbs we lose some. Might not be realized right away but over time it takes a toll. Real men don't settle for crumbs or anything of the like. Set your boundaries and if they are crossed move on. My ex crossed them and so has yours (and likely everyone else posting on here). When we are willing to walk away from any situation/person that is not good for us we will lose a lot of things that we think we care about, love or can't live without. This too is the biggest load of BS there is. If we are strong and centered we eventually see that we did the right thing but not hanging around and 'hoping' for whatever we can get.

 

Oh, and BTW, the other person WILL want you back at some point. Sometimes they state it and sometimes not, but they realize the huge mistake they made when you get your power back. However, at that point the train has left the station and is already picking up more passengers down the line. Fun times!

[sfindependent]

Hey ask,

 

i'm in the same boat as you. however, i'm the one usually starting the convo and despite her being cold and short, responds back. It'll take a while before she warms up seeing as she always has "plans" despite her being unemployed. I'm not holding my breath on her though. i'm moving on with my life, meeting people and just having a good time.

 

How did you manage to transition from her being "cold" to engaging? we don't talk on a regular basis but lately, i've been finding the reason for that with me, is that i've really got nothing to talk about with her. it's like i'm trying to dig out of a very shallow grave when it comes to trying to pick my ex's brain.

 

But i feel you on making slow progress. Sometimes, LC is a path chosen by people because i feel that as you said, you ween yourself off the relationship yourself, despite you being the one who was dumped. a few people here probably would have slapped me hundreds of times over for making contact with my ex and ignoring NC, but maybe whenever the time comes when i don't feel any feeligns anymore, then i'll just not talk to her.. a relationship that i can say i tried to save. i'll have no guilty conscience of what if's and oh i wish i did thoughts.

 

be safe.

[askltk]

Sfind - good to hear from you man, I've tried to keep on top of you thread.

 

She's never been cold with me - that's the weird thing. Even tho she is the dumper, she's gone out of her way all the time to make pleasant contact. I didn't do anything - it just happened naturally. As i said, we have no reason to hate one another (ie no cheating / drinking / abuse etc..), we merely got in a situation where she wasn't happy (and I later realised neither was I).

 

I'm moving on slowly. Too slowly to be honest. People on hear continue to speak the truth - and like you I would have been lumped on numerous occasions by those who know better. I've never initiated contact, but I'm guilty of continuing it. I used NIC as some sort of facade to show I was moving on, was in control etc.. in reality I wasn't healing as quickly as i thought.

 

But - I am moving on, even at snails pace. I've taken up new hobbies, met a new girl who I'm enjoying talking to, jobs been awesome - and summer is just round the corner. I've got trips booked, nights with friends planned and genuinely taking life a little less seriously.

 

The ex is still around - and she's doing her own stuff too which I chose not to know the details. There's no point in "picking her brain", I'll only end up finding out something I don't want to know.

[Success]

I love this post! Good stuff man! So very true.

 

Ask,

 

I read the first few pages of this thread as well as the last few. I can tell your ex is still on your mind and has a profound impact on your life. Don't feel bad, it happens to all of us. I'm certainly guilty of allowing such a thing to happen to me too!

 

I noticed you started this thread on Oct 28, 2010. Today we're at May 12, 2011. That means it has been over 6 months and you are still allowing your ex to have some power over you. Although you may be doing the NC thing, you have not taken the steps to permanently "kill" the relationship, which is what you need. Even after all this time she's still sending you crumbs because she knows you'll eat them. That only stagnates your healing. Yes, we all care about our ex's, but caring about them is just an excuse to maintain them in our life somehow. Tell her to leave you the he.ck alone, to never ever contact you again. Block her number, do whatever it takes so that the crumbs never make it to your plate. Only then will you move from a snail to a cat and ultimately to a prime cheetah.

[sfindependent]

ask,

 

The ex is still around - and she's doing her own stuff too which I chose not to know the details. There's no point in "picking her brain", I'll only end up finding out something I don't want to know.

 

 

so what's the point in making contact, no? I am not sure myself either since i'm guilty of doing the LC thing. At some point the idea of not talking to her became easier because i'm left thinking to myself the same thoughts you just mentioned. I don't want to find anything out i don't know. She still has a profound effect on me. So i steer clear of those topics. Then, what's left to talk about is pretty superficial, unless she opens up to you in a different way where she shares with you OTHER important things in her life such as her views on the world, religion, relationships with family etc as well as she makes it a point to focus on YOU and HER solely and have a substantial/meaningful openness between you two.

 

I totally understand you, and this is merely to show you you're not alone in ENA feeling you could handle things better on an LC basis as opposed to NC. as i've mentioned before, i have been slowly detaching myself from her since our BU because, what are we to talk about? BS? i can BS with other people. that idea makes it easier to not contact her at all. I wish can make our contact more meaningful and not crumby at all and i am choosing to not even just talk to her in the first place.

 

i'm pretty sure later on in life, when i do find out eventually she's dating someone and regardless of whether or not i'll be dating someone then, i'd feel hurt still.

 

it maynot be an easy road to take (LC, NIC) but man, i support you in what you think is best for you.

[askltk]

Thanks for the indepth responses guys

 

Real - thanks for you personal insight. Me and the ex arent FWB, nore would this be anything I could condone in my situation, but i can see how you ex's behaviour made it easier. If mine had acted similarly (and there's not thinking that she wont in time), it will be much simpler to move on.

 

I'm glad this "guilt" is common place - I know it's not based upon wanting to make the ex jealous, or change her perception of me. I believe it's me subconsciously trying to protect her (Why, I have no idea - I have no right too, nore is she my responsibility).

 

To use your metaphor - the trains at the station, loading up, and ready to go. And she's going to "miss" it, it's been delayed long enough.....!

[askltk]

Success - I don't feel bad persay, she's def not on my mind as much as before. But your obviously right, after over 6 months, she shouldn't be on my mind at all!

 

I have never implicated NC - it's always been NIC. I used this to kid myself that I was regaining the power and that she would have to reach out to me, on the basis that after a while she'll disappear along with me. What actually happened was she has been ridiculously forthcoming, and while I respond sporadically - I still respond. Like you quite correctly said, we all still care for our Ex's, and i've used this for an excuse to keep up the contact. There are some underlying issue on her part, which aren't my problem, but in which I chose to feed because I "still" care.

 

Although we've moved on from a relationship to friendship - neither of us have wanted to sever that tie. But in reality, she gets all the benefits of a relationship, just without the emotional or physical tie.

 

HHmmm feeling amazing writing all this down actually... penny is dropping.

[dramallama]

I've never really understood NIC, unless it's part of a plan to prove to your ex that you are "non-chalant" and even then I think that effort would be better spent in putting up boundaries. One thing I don't get about NIC is that your ex STILL is not living with the consequence of dumping you because they get to contact you whenever they want. Really standing up for yourself would be telling them the opposite - that they must respect your need for space from now on, even if it means IGNORING their contact attempts.

[askltk]

Thanks Llama, insight is once again beneficial.

 

I think that was always my intention, having delved deep into ENA during the darker, early stages of the BU. I saw NIC as a way to show the ex I was bettering myself, moving on and act nonchalantly. It kept the line of communication open so she could viably see these improvements.

 

I didn't make a bold statement about it, I just never text her first. Ever. Looking back, I used this to convey a sense of power, like she had to reach out to me. In reality, all it did was give her the power to talk to me as and when she felt. I would respond as and when, sometimes not at all. But they'd always come back a few hours later.

[Real Deal]

I've never really understood NIC, unless it's part of a plan to prove to your ex that you are "non-chalant" and even then I think that effort would be better spent in putting up boundaries. One thing I don't get about NIC is that your ex STILL is not living with the consequence of dumping you because they get to contact you whenever they want. Really standing up for yourself would be telling them the opposite - that they must respect your need for space from now on, even if it means IGNORING their contact attempts.

 

Man, this is so true. What I would not have given to be able to have true NC with mine (for my sake), but 100% impossible because of kids. It would have cut the time in half for me, no doubt. All that them initiating contact proves if one is receptive to it is that they still have control over you/you don't have the control or discipline to shut them out. It is really not that hard. Once several advances are rejected you gain some momentum and power (over your emotions) and it gets easier. Ignore her next three attempts to contact you and watch what happens. I do not mean how she reacts either, although she will flip. What I mean is the 'shift' you will feel inside. Time to man up!

[askltk]

Man, this is so true. What I would not have given to be able to have true NC with mine (for my sake), but 100% impossible because of kids. It would have cut the time in half for me, no doubt. All that them initiating contact proves if one is receptive to it is that they still have control over you/you don't have the control or discipline to shut them out. It is really not that hard. Once several advances are rejected you gain some momentum and power (over your emotions) and it gets easier. Ignore her next three attempts to contact you and watch what happens. I do not mean how she reacts either, although she will flip. What I mean is the 'shift' you will feel inside. Time to man up!

 

It's always easier on paper than in practicality - but i understand what your saying. Unlike you, who has the commitment to their children to manage as well as Ex relations, I have little rational reasoning to respond to her advances.

 

Man Up indeed! Shouldn't be too difficult, I'm out of the country for a long weekend tomorrow. Funny, I'm actually going back to the place where we broke up 6 months ago...! Ha

[Real Deal]

it comes full circle sometimes - do what's best for you and you will come out on top.

[askltk]

it comes full circle sometimes - do what's best for you and you will come out on top.

 

Thanks man, appreciate it. Annoyingly, I don't know what's best for me - that's why I'm asking the advice of you kind people! Ha

[MakeItCount]

Ahh there you are. Listen to whatever Real tells you. He's like a prophet Cut the chick off man. This isn't working for you. How many times do we have to tell you ?! lol

[askltk]

MakeIT - Exactly, how many times do i need to be told..! Ha

 

Off on vacation for a few days - no better time to start then now!

[askltk]

Back from Vacation - and I'd love to sit here and say everything is rosey....

 

Was in contact with new girl, who after a 3 weeks since our first date (although text every day due to long distance), basically came out and said she wasn't wanting to "see or be with anyone at the moment". I respected that, she wanted to meet up with the group we met up with whilst in Vegas - just not on our own. She said the whole "your a decent guy" etc... which is the polite way of saying not interested. Fair enough, just feeling some what deflated again....

 

This then leads nicely onto the ex. We'd talk for a bit before I left - made it clear that I wasn't looking to rack up a massive bill (amongst other things), and so won't be contacting. Didn't stop her messaging me on-line (i used a free internet based messaging app on my phone whilst away to msg new girl - which registered login in times etc..). I didn't reply (like Real suggested), and was kinda shocked how she changed tune so suddenly. Alot happier, nosier etc.. even asked me to "hangout", "dinner" and a day in the city in the space of 3 days.

 

Real - what do you mean by "comes full circle"?

[zakky]

Dude, I've just read this whole thread, its taken me ages but well worth the read! Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences, it certainly serves as a huge lesson on the importance of NC following a BU.

 

From reading the thread, it seems clearer than the clearest day to me that you need to stop responding to your ex and starting NC. I know you have heard this a hundred times already and haven't done it. IMO no matter how much you say you are happy with how things are and are feeling positive, you are linking this with any thread of possibility that you might stand a chance of reconciliation. IMO you are in denial.

 

You are her emotional tampon. You are the person she knows she can always rely on, that will help her out, come running when she needs it, her lap dog if you like. She has no attraction towards you. You are a friend except the difference with you is that you want more than friends (no matter how you word your threads) THE ONLY WAY you are going to fully heal (and I mean heal in the sense that you are not analysing every communication and stop making her a major feature in your life) is by going NC.

 

I think the only time you will ever go NC is when she meets another man and starts having sex with him. That in itself tells me you are grasping on to the faintest slither of hope. She doesn't want to be your girlfriend. She doesn't want to sleep with you. She just wants to know she can have you. Its not right, and it makes for frustrating reading. IMO you urgently need to go NC. If you want proof of what i'm saying, stop messing around with this nonchalance and ask her to be your girlfriend again. Just ask her today. You will get your answer and then you can go NC if she says no. Dude, MAN UP and take control of this situation once and for all otherwise you will be in this situation for a very long time, when will it ever end, when she starts asking you for advice on what dress to wear for her new date with somebody she actually wants to be with and have sex with? I'm sorry man, but you need to hear this in these terms. If you want to be a man and take back your power once and for all you absolutely have to take this action.

[askltk]

Zakky - Man your a trooper reading through all of that! I dare not look back at all, it's all a bit sad from my point of view!

 

Thanks for your detail insight man truly appreciated. Proof indeed that NIC / LC is not the route to go down. Those can learn from my mistakes, so at least something positive has come out of it!

[zakky]

Its good of you to say that, and please don't think I am being mean or anything. Its not sad, well its sad in the context that its been hurtful for you.

 

I just feel for you, and I know you seem trapped in a cycle that you are never going to break free from unless you take action. I know how hard that is when you care about someone. It's just not fair on you and it makes me feel gutted to read, because really your ex is not being fair.

 

“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life".

 

Have a good day my friend.

[askltk]

Zakky - I wouldn't ever take any advice (as this is how i see it) as being rude / mean, and tbh the blunter/harsh the post, the greater effect it'll have on me!

 

All the guys on here, yourself included, clearly see errors on my part and are merely helping me out - and for that I appreciate any comments.

 

It's sad in the context, and it's sad in the way I thought I was doing well in the past, when all i done was kid myself. It's less so now, but signs are clearly still there. My problem is that I do care, I'm quite a caring guy generally, so when Ex wants help I do. Stupidly. I've done some crazy things in the past (all written down here) - and can't help but look back in disgust at my actions.

 

Funny you use the Lap Dog analogy, that's exactly what she called me when we broke up, and played a huge part in why we broke up in the first place! She's not being fair, but it's not intentional - I was just giving her what she wanted.....everything good about a relationship, just no emotional attachment.

[LIzardKing]

Yea bro Zakky is right. You need to man up. If that means you need some type of closure then do it! Tell her how you really feel. You have to be true to yourself. You are not going to get the answer that you want though. Its over and in truth its been over. Dont hold on to false hopes. Some people are just poisonious. You have to break the addiction just like any other drug. Let go for yourself!

 

Chris

[zakky]

Some people, for some reason, do not appreciate good guys like you. Being a 'nice guy' to some women is an attraction killer and pushes you into the friend zone. IMO, from my experience, some women want a man to be a leader (not in a sexist sense), and somebody that 'they' have to work to get the attention of. Once they know you will do anything for them, its game over for many. It sucks, its warped, but thats how i see it. Some may disagree but really, its the law of scarcity. Why would you be that interested in having something that has an unlimited supply? Don't see this advice though as being a way to 'get her back' You need to do NC for yourself, work back your full power and leave her for dust in your past where she belongs.

[askltk]

Some people, for some reason, do not appreciate good guys like you. Being a 'nice guy' to some women is an attraction killer and pushes you into the friend zone. IMO, from my experience, some women want a man to be a leader (not in a sexist sense), and somebody that 'they' have to work to get the attention of. Once they know you will do anything for them, its game over for many. It sucks, its warped, but thats how i see it. Some may disagree but really, its the law of scarcity. Why would you be that interested in having something that has an unlimited supply? Don't see this advice though as being a way to 'get her back' You need to do NC for yourself, work back your full power and leave her for dust in your past where she belongs.

 

I have you right man, i really do. I hate the term "nice" guy - although ultimately that's what I am, but its used so often as a negative. Even with Vegas girl used it as an easy out - knowing I wouldn't be offended.

 

I think you spot in with the "leading" part, when me and the ex got together, I was very forthcoming - had great job, prospects, confidence (yada yada yada)...and that's what attracted her. I wasn't overeager in the beginning, but she chased me and after 10 months of being single - I enjoyed it. I then just lost myself in her, honestly I feel for her hook line and sinker (we both did)

 

Love the scarcity analogy - almost like economics supply and demand. The less of something there is, the more it's value.

 

I don't see any advice on here as "getting her back" - there is no formula. What I take from you guys is the support - daily head bashing that i continue to need! Ha

[sfindependent]

being nice is good, but placing them before you all the time is a bit too much.. i'm learning that right now. But being nice, considerate to EVERYONE is a trait. remember, women are constantly judging you. constantly. if you act nice to her, but turn around and kick a dog up the street, then that's not being nice. but if you're generally nice to everyone including her... then you're money.

[CMS]

If being nice is money, being nice but also confident and self assured is pure gold.