Is she wanting her cake and eating it?

[askltk]

Man, Im trying to get out there, I'm ready. Just havent carved the opportunity yet!

 

I dont worry about what the ex is doing, its not my business. Nore do I over analyse anymore - her decisions are hers to make. Her problems are her own - not mine.

 

Its the same as what happened with my last ex (although i didnt care what see did - unlike my current situation), we stayed LC while she dated, slept around and partied. i didn't care, but as soon as I met someone, she begged me to get back with her - how she loved me and never thought I'd leave her...!

[MakeItCount]

Hahah of course, it just shows what Real has always said. THey act like they don't care until you truly move on. Funny stuff.

 

And I meant don't worry about what she thinks if you start dating/pulling back etc.

[askltk]

Agreed - I have zero interest what she thinks about it. It's not about making her jealous, making her miss me, make her want me. It's nothing to do with her AT ALL!

 

Now, where can I find some women...! Ha

[MakeItCount]

Bingo hall?

[askltk]

Ha, I'm in my 20's!

[gallop30]

Agreed - I have zero interest what she thinks about it. It's not about making her jealous, making her miss me, make her want me. It's nothing to do with her AT ALL!

 

Now, where can I find some women...! Ha

 

oh man,they're everywhere,just get out there. they wont bite

 

take some cooking classes ,lot of females there,and take your 30 min book with you,just in case

[askltk]

I'm not worried about them biting! Ha Quite looking forward to meeting someone else actually - the chase n what not. Also interested to see Ex's reaction. she's been on one date (which I know of) but has continued like nothing has happened.

 

Oh - 8:07am and she texts to tell me she's agruing with her sibling.....I dont care! It's like she'll find any excuse / reason to contact me.

 

Might need that cooking class - screwed up last nights dinner! Ha

[askltk]

Over 7000 - either this is interesting to people, or i've been posting way too much!

[askltk]

Weird one - Just got a text from the ex's mum (!), saying "I hope you had a good birthday and received our (her and partner) card - hope to see you soon x. "

 

I've written on here before about the Ex's relationship with her mum (lack of support etc..), as well as her fondness for me. I know there's nothing in it - just surprised! Ha I've no animosity to any of her family, I've actually got alot of time for them (having spent so much time with them - staying over the ex's most nights).

 

More pulling away i feel!

[askltk]

Heard from a friend that the ex has said im "getting to attached again"! Ha

 

Baring in mind i have barely spoken to her, turned down her advances to meet up (came up again this weekend), to go to dinner, to spend time together - this is me being attached! I had to chuckle, as I know she's only saying it because she's panicking that i haven't jumped at the chance to see her!

 

Basically, this weekend she headed into our local town, and wanted to meet up before she met her friends. On sat I had a somewhat uneventful night out in the city, but she was on the phone the whole time wanting to know who and where / and if i wanted a lift! I was tempted - but i knew I didnt need her. I didnt respond.

 

Maybe venting a bit - I'm ignoring what she has said (it's just hearsay afterall), and what she says to her friends are non of my business. I just don't like the idea that im perceived badly..

 

what you guys think?.....

[Mrs Popsicle]

She thinks *you're* getting too attached? Wow lol.

 

This suggests to me that she's judging the contact you two have by two different standards. When she's contacting you, asking you out, phoning you etc, she's being friendly-when you respond, you're getting too attached. Unfair, but that's the way she seems to see it.

 

How do you respond when she tells you about arguing with her sibling-you say you don't care, did you tell her that? How about when she was phoning you all night asking where you were/who with etc?

 

I know that she's initiating all the contact, but I think you're giving too much away. If she sees this as a friendship then she doesn't really have the right to have so many details about your life- I certainly wouldn't constantly ask any of my friends where they were or who they were with! It's beyond the boundaries of any friendship.

 

Hypothetically, how do you think she would react if you said 'no I can't meet up with you, going out on a date!' ?

 

Also hypothetically, how do you think she would react if you said 'I'm not interested in chit-chat, I want us to get back together, call me if you change your mind'?

 

Just curious! Have entered into a period of definite 'friend-zone' with my ex which we both seem comfortable with at the moment...I've just been pondering about what would happen if push came to shove as it were

[askltk]

Yeah, not sure (or bothered) on the details - but apparently I'm getting attached again (i can only assume "again" is meant the same as when we were together!)

 

Does sound unfair, and I know really she's only saying these things as her friends because she has to put on a front, to make it seem like I'm chasing / pushing.

 

I tell her there's nothing I can do about her sister - we both know what she's like. Its her venting, and i've made it clear it's not my problem.

 

She's initating all the contact - but I'm not giving anything away. I'm not even responding. But it is beyond the boundaries of a friendship, to this extent anyway. She doesnt (in my experience when we were together) treat any other friends this way. I don't class myself as a friend - what she's offering / saying goes beyond that in most situations - friends of mine agree. I don't want to be her friend.

 

Hypothetically, if i said I was going on a date, it would rub her up the wrong way, ask who / where and most like have the strop and * * * * * to her friends about it. As for the chit chat - I think she would say she doesn't want a relationship and is happy as it is. If I went full NC, she'd be annoyed but would accept it. She wouldn't call - she's too stubborn.

 

I too was pondering a similar question to your own. I dont know if what I think above would happen, but I'll find out soon enough. I'm bored of her now, Im not interested. If I'd met someone already (and I've tried, especially this weekend!) then id have laid my cards on the table and walked away. I'm not going chase her, ultimatum her into NC (its not her business what I do and why) or give her the satisfaction / boost her ego of me coming back and asking...

 

I'm happy how I am at the moment, new life / new home (looking for my first place away from home town) / new body / new friends / new hobbies....and she's not part of it. She can say what she likes to her friends, the people I care about know the situation.

[gallop30]

that's what matter,the PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT,the rest are just irrelevant . good attitude bro.

 

you care only about yourself,the people you love(friends&family,ENA and fk the rest with what opinions they have.

 

time to be selfish

[askltk]

Cheers Gallop!

 

My friends, family, and ENA advisors are the ones I'm listening to. Sometimes its those opinions that i chose over my own!

 

I am being selfish at the mo - it's all about me. It used to be like this before, I did what I wanted and she followed. Somehow, this changed over the backend of the relationship - leading to it ultimate demise.

 

Dont get me wrong - at times I'd love to know what she's thinking, what she means by the things she says. But I'm not meant to know, nore am I going to give it a moments thought. I'm a straight talking kind of person, I don't try an play games - and I dont have alot of time for those that do.

 

She's just fb chatted me - I'm idle so havent responded. Im too available to her (or was in the past), and now that I tend not to disclose my movements, she's been alot more forthcoming.... but she's done this before, I was just the sucker who kept falling for it...

[dramallama]

And you're FB friends with her because...?

[Mrs Popsicle]

I'm just confused as to why you two have any contact at all then if this is the case.

With all the good stuff going on in your life, it seems like the people you need right now are people who are going to *add* to your happiness-is your ex doing this? You clearly serve some role for her (whether thats for support/friendship/venting/whatever) but I really don't get from really any of your posts lately what *you* are getting from any of this aside from the knowledge that she's still around.

 

From the history of this thread, I see you going from needing her---->merely wanting her----> not really wanting her at all.....

 

You say you don't want to be her friend-what do you want? Just trying to see where she fits into your life...

 

If you're intending to be utterly selfish (and I mean this in the good sense!) then it would be a good time to take stock of this situation and decide whether this interaction really is adding to your life

[Real Deal]

Ask - run and run fast man. I know we had established that she is "classy" but she fits in the log pile with the rest of the dumpers that still want their ego fed. Her comment on the "attached" thing makes me want to slap her in the mouth and I don't even know her and I despise men that hit women...haha. Okay, it needs to be NC. Maybe you have heard that term used before and I think I have seen it on this forum once or twice, maybe even on this thread but I will cover Real's version of No Contact.

 

No = none, zero, non-existent.

Contact = Touching (sexual or otherwise), talking, texting, chatting, IM'ing, mailing, passing of notes in class, yelling really loud from far away and hoping she hears you and on and on.

 

Do not annouce that you are NC. Just drop off the grid, period. If she corners you in or you see her and are forced to talk to her she will ask you about it. Just flip the script on her and tell her that "I think we are in contact too much and I really don't feel that way about you anymore". Okay, that might be a bit much so just say, "I think it is best since we are not together anymore that we both get on with our lives, I am really busy and I don't think its fair to you."

 

You get the idea man. Roll with it!!

[askltk]

To quote you Real (i wanted to post this somewhere in here as it's been of huge help to me)

 

A common reason for a girl to break up with a guy is that he was too much of a follower. A woman’s mood may constantly change, and she has a lot of whims. If the guy follows her whims, she’ll lose attraction for him. A woman will say and do things based on a negative emotion she’s feeling at the moment, and if you react the wrong way, she’ll lose attraction for you. Although a woman’s mood fluctuates, it’s up to you to have a calm, stable inner state so that she too can feel calm, stable and safe with you.

 

The first step to regaining your power after a woman has left you is to break out of the state she wants you to be in right now. What does she want? Since she’s broken up with you, she wants you to feel lost and lonely. That way you are completely unattractive to her and she can feel okay with her new life without you. She wants to have no reason to be with you anymore. She wants you to be the repulsive beta male. This is the secret psychology of human beings. Knowing how we think gives us great power.

 

But if you’re not lost without her, she’ll lack emotional validation of knowing she controls you. She will start to be the one who feels lost without you instead. She wants to know you’re grief-stricken. But you want to make her think that you’ve moved on and are completely happy with your life. It drives a woman crazy if she dumps a guy and he’s completely cool with it. Very rarely is a woman certain that a relationship is over, especially if she’s dated a guy for longer than six months. Uncertainty is a key part.

One minute she hates your guts and wants you to die. The next she cries her eyes out because she’s thinking back to the good times you had together. Then she’ll try to keep track of you to see what you are doing. Then she’ll feel confused, wondering what went wrong. And sometimes she will feel extremely fond feelings for you. She will want you back and think you are the perfect man and she cannot live without you. She will fight the urge to call you. Then one minute later she’s back to hating you again.

 

There is a struggle between her logic and feelings. You must realize that there are two parts of a woman’s mind that you must satisfy, which are her logical and emotional aspects. Once you re-attract her, her emotions are going to make her want to get back with you. However, she’ll only be comfortable with the decision if she can logically justify it to herself as well. So the logic that you want going through her head is “he’s really trying this time.” Always attract emotionally and justify logically for completion.

When either one of you reinitiates contact after a certain period of separation, the woman is going to be curious at this point. She’s going to ask you questions and talk to you in a way to investigate whether you’re feeling lost. Virtually a hundred percent of women do it. The way it is structured is that she will say something to find out how you feel. You need to respond to her investigation for feeling lost by conveying that you are an upbeat and happy guy. Show that you are cool and centered in your reality.

 

Most of the time, she will put out a feeler to see whether you’d be interested in ever giving your relationship a second chance. Almost all guys screw this up by giving an enthusiastic “Yes!” at which point the woman has all the power and feels the joy of validation from that. Then all of a sudden the guy hears the girl tell him she’s “busy” and needs to go, but “we’ll talk more sometime.” Don’t say yes, because it’s too soon. You haven’t yet conveyed the attractive new you, so she hasn’t become re-attracted yet.

 

Instead tell her, in a relaxed tone of voice, “I think it’s too soon to be talking about that yet.” Then proceed with your conversation. Just have a normal conversation. Ask her what she’s been up to. Tell her what you’ve been up to by giving her one or two of the stories about how great your life has been and how much things have changed for the better for you, in order to convey attractiveness. That way she’ll see how happy and unaffected you are. Then end the interaction by leading her with a meet up at your will.

 

You have the responsibility to lead. You must lead in everything you do together. Going out to a restaurant and movie? You decide. Having sex? You decide. You are the big, strong man in your woman’s life. Lead in everything that the two of you do together. Take her opinions into consideration when making choices. Don’t make her do things she does not like. The best way to do it is to give her a choice of two or three options selected by you for her to choose from. You can even use magician’s choice.

As the alpha male, you must be self-sufficient when it comes to your own emotions. You cannot depend on the woman to support you emotionally. She gets her emotions from you, not the other way around. A lot of men screw up by trying to get emotional support from their girlfriend. It causes her to lose attraction for him. Have friends to give you emotional support. Your job is to give her emotional support, never the other way around. While your woman is emotional, be the calm, stable center of her world.

 

The most common way for a guy to kill a relationship is by being overly needy. When a man has no interests, hobbies, or ambitions in his life, his woman feels stifled. Women find it sexy when a man is independent. You have your own hobbies, ambitions, and interests outside the relationship. You can make yourself happy. You don’t need her. However, the opposite is not true. She’ll love you forever if you make her happy. Men who are successful with woman and all else are their own source of power

[askltk]

The most common way for a guy to kill a relationship is by being overly needy. When a man has no interests, hobbies, or ambitions in his life, his woman feels stifled. Women find it sexy when a man is independent. You have your own hobbies, ambitions, and interests outside the relationship. You can make yourself happy. You don’t need her. However, the opposite is not true. She’ll love you forever if you make her happy. Men who are successful with woman and all else are their own source of power

 

This, pretty much, summed up where I was, and where I am now working too.

 

After much mind tennis, I decided that i'd get an answer on where she thought out current situation was. I caved in for the dinner (I'm a sucker for Lobster), which was a bad idea - but I had nothing on for once, so thought I'd meet her. It was a really great evening, probably the best since our BU. We talked alot, about everything. She seemed impressed that I was looking to move out, start developing property and going out, as we'll as noticing I was looking good (i was frustrated as she looked stunning, made a real effort).

 

We talked about our independent futures, how she plans to study a masters in 2012 - and after uni this year wants to work on something. I'm doing great at my Job (pay rise and promo) , have achieved alot in a short space of time and, most importantly, Im becoming confident.

 

After I dropped her off, after no initiation from me, she lent in and kissed on the cheek. Not 10 minutes went by, when I got a text saying what great night she had and that "likes how we are now n that we still get on". We'd talked alot about her sisters break up, and how they dont talk and that she's having a break down because of it. I mentioned that was how BU usually go.

 

I asked for clarification as to what she thought our situation was - and she replied "mates that know alot about one another n can chat about anything because we understand eachother". I'd known I was friendzoned for a while, and although she'd never came out and said it before, the relief of her saying it was not a shock to me as I'd accepted the relationship was dead.

 

I pointed out that we needed to talk about it, as it's been 4 months - and she was "checking to see if its still fine with u". I was open at this point. I said, straight out, that i know she doesnt want me as a BF - and that us texting / meeting up (although now it is next to nothing), is not me trying to work my way back into a relationship (which is the truth - I dont want a relationship while I'm not 100 comfortable), I agreed that I know her better than anyone (and visa versa), but also that towards the end we didn't work as a couple, and we both had issues that we needed to address. I pointed out that i held no animosity towards her, and that because we never had a massive row / cheating - there was no ill feelings.

 

This morning, I feel like a massive weight has been lifted. I don't know why - I havent learnt anything new. I think that because we talked about it, openly, cleared the air etc.... I'm clearer on what we both take from our contact.

 

I'm doing all those things that Real mentionned in the paragraph at the start of this post. I have re-discovered my ambitions to property develop, undertaken new hobbies such as photography and the gym, and picked up new interests. I'm making myself happy - something that in the past only came when I knew she was happy.

 

I'll keep you posted - there's been some developments already! HA

[askltk]

Something that I found interesting.

 

I spoke alot about my new hobbies, especially my ambition to move out and develop a property. Working in the industry, it's always been my plan long term to move into self development.

 

She look startled by the idea, but was saying how she wanted to do the same, and even buy a place together to renovate! She can't get a mortgage for her own place (she's a student with no salary earnings), but has plenty saved up - and wants to get involved! Quite a statement on intent. Even as "mates", it's a massive commitment, one in which I just couldnt understand. Today, she's sent me emails of places that would be good to do up together, and has asked is she can come to viewings with me.....! FRIENDS DONT DO THIS. Feel's like she was panicking.

 

I think she picked up on my relaxed attitude last night, the changes I'd been making and the positive effects this was having. She wants to be more actively involved in all these new things im doing, mainly because they are things I wanted to do in the relationship, which i put aside to concentrate on her - and the things that first attracted her to me in the first place.

 

Classy girl - yes she is. Willing to give me up? No at All!

 

Sadly, she will have to see me do all these things from afar......

[MakeItCount]

Perhaps she is panicking. Perhaps she thinks she's finally losing you now that you've become more independent and goal oriented. My opinion? CUT HER OFF. Dude, let's get real. You're not ready to "just be friends" with this girl. You're still analyzing her responses. IMO, that's not being healed to the point where you need to be. And for the love of god don't agree with her to go into these projects together. These are your own goals, ambitions, passion. Do it for you, leave her completely out of it. She has no right suddenly taking interest in this. Show her you're truly separating from this, because it seems like she's just trying to keep you on the hook, and trying to be as involved as possible in your life.

 

Don't let her do this. I'll write more on this when I sober up. Gallop, if you see this, it's 3:1

[Mrs Popsicle]

Hey ask, how are you doing?

 

I'm still not quite getting what you are gaining from this. You say you don't want to be friends with her, yet have accepted that you've been friendzoned.....what is it you want from this?

[gallop30]

ask,stay away from her,stop fooling yourself .

i really hope you're not "acting" all relaxed just to make an impression on her. it seems you're getting excited seeing how she reacts,but it shouldn't be that way.

you shouldn't care how she reacts,says and feels. than maybe you can say "i'm ready to be friends",but since you don't want her as friends,you have no choice other then to stay away.

don't friend-zone yourself

 

yeah Makeit

[askltk]

Ha - I'm interested in what this score keeping is - could one of you PM and fill me in!?

 

MakeIt - Her panicking, possibly. I've cut her off now - much like Real / Gallop / Yourself have been saying for a while. I havent told her, I've just done it. I would NEVER agree to sign up to do MY projects with her. Yes, it was a idea that we would do this together (when we were a couple), and it has always been my dream to start doing it. But I have no interest in sharing such a personal ambition with her (not to mention the nightmare of le agility issues!)

 

Also, I'd love to hear more on what you've got to say - are you Sober yet! Ha

 

Pops - I know what you mean, I have been quite contradicting to myself recently - my posts back this up! Been a bit crazy my end - lots of positive things have been coming my way. What I would say is that, from the communication we had, we both got comfort, companionship and "having someone there". The contact we had was OTT at times, but at the time I think we both got something out of it. Looking back now, I prob did help her move on knowing I was there, but in the same way I could do the same knowing she'd always text me at some point during the day (without fail). When we spoke last week, I even said it had been 4 months, and we'd spoken every day in some form. EVERY DAY.

 

I had a long chat with a real good friend of mine over the weekend, and we discussed my issue with his group of friends, one of whom has been broken up with his ex for 2 weeks and was miserable. Now, I'm not one to find pleasure out ones pitty - but his situation was tough. Maybe I have been kidding myself - in that I havent had that grief yet. Or, the contact I did have with my ex helped me to progress. Each to their own.

 

Gallop - again with the score count?! Ha I'm not acting relaxed, I genuinely am at the moment. At dinner, I felt the best I had since we broke up. In the past, there would be awkward silences, she'd be on her phone etc...but she was fully engaged, inquisitive and wanted to learn about all these new plans I've carved for myself. This wasn't an act - and if wouldn't be for her benefit anyway. Apologies if i seemed excited by her reactions - that wasn't how i felt at the time, nore was it meant to sound that way in the post. I don't care how she reacts, her opinions / suggestions have zero baring on me.

 

Keeping well away NOW.

 

On a more positive, personal note, my best friend has set me up on a date. Now, I'm not one to do this - but I've made a point recently on mixing up my social interactions. By that I mean, doing things I wouldn't normally consider, to meet new people etc.. Seen alto of GYM girl recently, not on dates or anything, but through groups of friends. We get on well, and its quite nice to be able to socialise with her. News of me asking her out is now public, which doesn't bother me, in fact people actually hadn't realised I was looking - and were surprised that I'd even done it.

[MakeItCount]

Haha, the count thing is basically gallop busting me a couple times when I came home drunk and posted on ENA, he always say "don't drink and post". So I finally got him back once, but last time I posted I was drunk again lol. Just a little running joke.

 

I don't have much to add, it seems you're finally doing what you should have a long time ago. Keep on going on dates when you can. You never know, one of these girls might turn out to be your next girlfriend. Just don't put any expectations on it and just have fun. I think it's great that people are finding out about this. It'll throw your ex completely off, because she thinks she knows you..but WHAM! Good ole ask is out and about looking for his next victim. I think it'll hit her like a ton of bricks. Time will tell, but for now, don't even worry about it. In fact, don't EVER worry about it.

 

You should expect to be a little thrilled if she starts acting insecure, or begins to say impressed she is with your goals/dreams etc. Just don't read into it. She could truly be excited for a friend (ha), or she could start getting mad that you're ACTUALLY moving on and progressing with your life.

 

Roll with it, and keep talking to this gym girl. If anything, it'll help with your social skills/ego