askltk Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 Thats a fair point. She is the most driven and independent person I know, and yet has this real vulnerability about her. I think it stems from issue with family (parents split up and she got caught in the middle) so she keeps herself busy so she doesnt get too much time on her own to think (hence the reason she's made herself so busy recently). Also, she isnt a talker, she bottles stuff up. Even when i knew our relationship was deteriorating, she would brush and conversation off with "im fine". Part of the issues with my dependence of her was that, because our communication became difficult, i felt the need to make sure she was ok. By doing so, I smothered her and made the situation worse. I'm trying to avoid the term using too! Ha I dont actually see it that way at this moment. Mainly because Im content with the situation. I'm detached enough to be there to her in this capacity, and still give her the space she wanted (whilst also making her miss me). Head down, concentrate on you, and only contact when he contacts you with something positive. Glasses, in my opinion, can be sexy if worn correctly! Ha Link to comment
askltk Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Only a quick one... She has come out today and said a number of interesting things. 1) She wants a trip away, some time off work etc. She's massively over working herself at the moment (see above) and is running herself into the ground. She had things "provisionally" planned with a few friends, but nothing came of it as they were either too poor or unavailable. I suggested to her some ideas, none of which included me (i even made a point of saying go with friends etc..), which she seemed a tad disheartened about. I'd love a trip away, I too am swamped and have holiday days to use, but suggesting anything like that is a def no / no as things stand now. 2) She's come out and said she feels depressed, and potentially suffering from SAD (getting down due to the time of year / lack of sunlight - im not entirely sure). Hence the reason for the trip away. She is extremely open with me about this, and other medical things which you wouldnt normally associate with an ex. Popsicle mentioned it about, she seems to continue to "use" (and i dont think its the wrong word! Ha) to vent her feelings, be they positive (uni grades or work achievements) or negative (depressed and family problems). It's a tricky one - in the sense that I genuinely feel Im moving on. Gym / Working on private projects / My job / Mixing with different crowds of people and (very occasional) attraction to other girls, makes me realise that for me, I can be "used" by her now because I'm in a place wereby what she does no longer has a baring on how I'm doing. Don't get me wrong, if she starts dating a new guy, I wont be around for that (sounds a bit cold, but I dont want to deal with that). But, for as long as Im moving on, and she needs me, I'll help her. I still care alot for her, and all these issues she now has were all present when we first met.....and disappeared once we started getting serious. She's admitted before that, during the end of our relationship, the "depression" had start begun to return - and she felt she was slipping back to how she was before we met (depressed and anxiety attacks). To this day, one of the nicest things she (or anyone) has ever said to me was how I made her so happy that "she didnt need to worry about anxiety and depression" (or words to that affect). Wonder what you guys think? Link to comment
Mrs Popsicle Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Urgh-not a good day Me and ex were texting some trivial stuff about some things I have of his, then he phones me and asks when he can see me. I said I'm busy with uni work, got a couple of appointments this week etc, then he starts complaining I'm fobbing him off,so I make some sarky comment about being fobbed off for the last six months ( I know I know, I lost my cool and telling him that we are both just wasting each others time. So I guess thats me in NC now I feel like crap, why couldn't he just make any effort or end it so I wasn't in limbo for the last six months? I'm so tired of the no affection, no sex, no Christmas present (that might seem trivial, but he's never bought me a christmas present, he told me he would this year then spent all his money on a new hard drive) I know I'm better off out of it, so why am I so sad? Link to comment
Mrs Popsicle Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Hey ask,with all my complaining I hadn't noticed you posted! I think this is a tricky one- the things you are describing, being there for her and being willing to help her with her issues etc, they sound more like things a long-time friend would do, don't you think? (I've helped friends with similar things) I know you say that it is having no effect on you, which is definitely a good thing for you, but where does that leave things in terms of you and her and a relationship? Link to comment
askltk Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Well Pop's as fate would have it, i believe now that decision has been made for me.... As tonight, I was told by a good friend that she went out on a date. Seeing my post from just earlier today, I think i could sense it! Ha I think it was last week, i posted about not hearing from her one night until like 2am. Unusual. Then on Sunday, she said she was busy to hang out (fair enough), but gave reasons for the other days. I automatically assumed she was working...but something inside me was telling me different. I cant explain it...just had "a feeling". So, what does this piece of information mean for me? Thats what matters here - me! Ha We'll, firstly I'll see if she sends the usual late night text - and if so, i'll play it like I do. I wont ask about her evening (unless she asks about mine - thats what I'd normally do). I think she may even come out with it. Maybe not today tho. She's dating someone. Does it hurt..? A bit, but oddly not as much as i thought it would. I dont know if thats me just not caring as much as i thought, that it was on the cards or that I dont see her "in that way" anymore. I dont know. Going to be an interesting or quiet night. One of the two.......! Ha Link to comment
askltk Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Ha - what do you know...less than an hour and i get a msg.....Mentions nothing about her night, just if I went to the gym or not, and that she's got more work to do.... Link to comment
Mrs Popsicle Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Oh ask, how are you feeling? Yeah I remember you saying you thought there was something up, I guess your intuition was right. You say you might not see her 'in that way' any more. I did wonder about that, did you feel as much respect for her as you did before? Did you think she would mention if she was dating other people? Sorry for all the questions. I suppose I'm just a bit surprised about it all. Mrs Popsicle Link to comment
askltk Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 Pop's Im ok, actually better than I thought I'd be. Postive! hA Like i said, i thought something was up, so i think subconsciously I've prepared for it to happen. As for respect for her, its prob no difference to that it was earlier today. What has changed over the last 2 months of so is regaining that respect for myself. The most important thing. We'll I've only just found out, and she went on it tonight. I believe this to be her first date since the break up. Do i think she'll tell me...prob not actually. I think she'll see how it pans out. I dont think she can have a new relationship whilst still texting me as much as she does. Also, i dont think she'd stop talking to me without giving a reason. Maybe she's trying to protect my feelings? I don't know. The convo tonight is the same as it was last night. Light, open, happy. She hasnt ask what i've done tonight...because she knows I'd ask the same. I'm not going to ask - it's not my business. If she wants to bring it up, i'll think up a good response - which will most likely involve NC! Keep tuned in ..... could get good! Ha Link to comment
askltk Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 Don't get me wrong, if she starts dating a new guy, I wont be around for that (sounds a bit cold, but I dont want to deal with that). Ha .... know the answer to my own question. Link to comment
MakeItCount Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Ahhh sorry to hear man. Like you said the most important thing is getting your s**t together. And yeah, cut her off if she starts going out with this guy. I wouldn't for now, unless you really wanted to. Link to comment
askltk Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 Thanks MakeIt Out of curiosity, can I ask why you wouldnt for now..? I too am of the same thinking.. She hasn't mentioned anything about it tonight over text. Convo is good, as ever. End of it all, I shouldnt no this information, and its really none of my business. She's a great looking girl and will inevitably get asked out. I am intrigued at why, even if she's been on a date, she feels the need to text me still....HHmm..not that im over analysing! I'd say its just habit! Ha I'm not going to change the way I act because of it. I'm gonna keep up what I'm doing and something good will happen, with her, or more likely someone new! Link to comment
rich46 Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 I have kept updated with this thread and it has made frustrating reading, as you have ignored what people advised you to do for the most part. I assume that's why most people stopped replying to it. There is no shame in that of course, as long as you learn for next time... There was a degree of inevitability about this latest twist, and unfortunately you have inadvertently helped her to move on. If you would have cut all contact then who knows what would have happened, and for sure you would be better placed emotionally now. I'm sure your reply will try to justify why you stayed in touch with her, but really...what has it achieved? Better late than never though...cut contact. Link to comment
askltk Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 Thanks Rich (apologies if it's frustrated you! Ha) No need to try and justify my actions, its works differently for everyone. I'm in a better place emotionally than I thought I would be. I never reached to her, never initiated contact / meeting up etc.. responded when I felt it was justified. I think we were both "used" each other to get us off slowly. I'm in a position to date, I just haven't met anyone. I acceptable reconciliation was not going to happen a while ago. I take onboard what you've said - I genuinely like to hear opinions however "straight talking" they be! Link to comment
askltk Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 Probably not worth a new post - but its been such an up and down 24hours, I might as well! Ha She went on a date last night. Didn't tell me (nore does she need too), but I inadvertently found out through a friend. She initiated contact last night (after date) acting like we have been for the last 3 months. I didnt act differently, mainly because a change in attitude would prob raise suspicions (also, I'm quite happy how I am at mo). She didnt ask about my night - I wont ask about her's (i wouldnt anyway, not my place!). The interesting bit is that she initiated contact AGAIN this morning when she got up, asking how my dentist appointment was (!?). I ignored it, on the principle that I'm not going to feed her ego. During that time, a friend of mine also text me (the one who informed me of the date). Now, I told him the night before, that although I appreciated him telling me, I dont want to know anything else as it would just complicate things. He said he understood, but thought i should know that the date didn't go well.Not my business to know, and one bad date doesn't equate to not seeing him again etc... but it may make her realise how good she had with me (no optimism btw, just observation! Ha). But it explained why she kept texting me last night. Rich is right, I haven't achieved much bar the slower transition into acceptance (due to continued contact). However, I can say honestly that although the whole date thing through me, I was less concerned about it than I thought. Based on that, and sorry to frustrate you further her Rich, I replied to her text Last night, my plans for the weekend were minimal. While all this been going on, I've been invited to a party Friday and Dinner (albeit with Family) Saturday - at the Ex's restaurant where she works! Ha not my choice! Link to comment
askltk Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 Sorry for over kill - But she just asked me out....! What? Link to comment
Mrs Popsicle Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 As in on a date? What are you going to do? I think its rather dishonest of her not to mention this date to you. Yeah I know you're not together, but why hide it? It'd good that you are further on than you thought you would be, but how can you know where you stand if you're not in possession of all the facts? How are you anyways? Mrs Popsicle Link to comment
askltk Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 I was a bit taken back. It came out of blue. I'd mentioned I hadnt had lunch today as was busy at work, and she said dont know how you do that - food is her favourite thing. And then came the random "fancy dinner next week". Right out of left field. To get some clarity, I nonchalantly responded "are you asking me out ms X?". She said "I want a pizza and I owe you some! Ha xx". Not a great response - so i said continued "is that a no then?". She brushed that off. So she asked what i was doing tonight, and i said gym and cinema. Her text read "cinema with..?! I wana go!". I said we could go after this dinner date, which she said "il put you in diary, we'll make a night of it!". With that comment, i said "wow lucky me! make sure its in pencil as I might be busy!x". She laughed. So, next tuesday, we are due to have a date. It is dishonest, but if i was another guy, she wouldn't need to tell me. But, I think shes scared of losing me for good - and believes going on one date will do that. I think that's why she feels the need to hide it. She's not doing anything wrong, afterall. The purpose of being apart is to experience what it's like to date others. Clearly, last nights episode has forced her hand. I also thinks that I'm dating someone... To be honest Pops, im exhausted! Ha it's been a real eye opener today! Link to comment
MakeItCount Posted January 28, 2011 Share Posted January 28, 2011 This chick pisses me off. When she said cinema with you should've said " a friend " and left it at that. Don't give this girl any info into your life. I would almost reschedule the "date" you have on Tuesday. Don't tell her why. The more I think about it the more you're strung along. Doesn't matter if her date went well or not, she'll go on more. I don't think this will affect you well. You gotta start pulling away man, she's having way too much of you right now. how would you feel if a date went well and she started ignoring YOU? Link to comment
tgstarre Posted January 28, 2011 Share Posted January 28, 2011 dude, i know this sucks to hear... but she's gone. she's checked out. for good. her desire for intimacy is not going to come back. it just won't. i'm sorry to say that. for that level of desire to last in a real, profound way, it has to be deep and even at its lowest ebbs, occasionally irressitable to both parties. her actions, at least the way you've described them, indicatae to me that that time has past. plus her messing with you with the whole "are you spending the night?" thing is just wrong. thta's just * * * * ed up for two people who have been together as long as you have. you sound like a cool dude. youll be good. and dont buy the whole chicks dont dig nice guys bs. get yer head together, and your self. find a way to make yourself happy, and someone infinitely better thna her will come along. i know thats easier said than done-- im trying the same uphill battle myself-- but if you do separate from her, remember its for you-- not as a tactic to get her back. i dont know bout the other people here, but in my expereince, it NEVER works. find somebody you dont have to play games with. and also, on the pragmatic side, someone whose schedule aligns more with yours. good luck. Link to comment
tgstarre Posted January 28, 2011 Share Posted January 28, 2011 somehow i missed the last parts of this thread, but they merely add to point. dump this girl. really. yer better off, my friend. Link to comment
askltk Posted January 28, 2011 Author Share Posted January 28, 2011 This chick pisses me off. When she said cinema with you should've said " a friend " and left it at that. Don't give this girl any info into your life. I would almost reschedule the "date" you have on Tuesday. Don't tell her why. The more I think about it the more you're strung along. Doesn't matter if her date went well or not, she'll go on more. I don't think this will affect you well. You gotta start pulling away man, she's having way too much of you right now. how would you feel if a date went well and she started ignoring YOU? My actual responses was - "I dont know yet - waiting on the reply". Ha. I've actually felt great about my self recently - the gym is paying off and i've dropped 5lb (I'm quite short and weighted 155lb originally), and started making contact with a girl I met at the gym monday. I'm not waiting around for her to make up her mind. Im getting my confidence back, getting out of my comfort zone and really pushing on in making myself as great as possible. I may reschedule the date - I was originally joking about the "put it in pencil" comment! Ha As for having too much of me, I'd prob agree in a communication sense. She initiates conversation during the day, and we do talk. Just taken me by surprise how more open she has been since Wednesday, literally messages in similar regularity to when we went out (no linking of optimism here btw!). Blowing up my phone again.... Link to comment
askltk Posted January 28, 2011 Author Share Posted January 28, 2011 Thanks Tgstarre - I like to think I'm a cool dude! Ha Alot of what you said, I can relate to as being the earlier part of our "break up" - I havent stayed over her's since November, and haven't seen her in over 3 weeks. Now I see you've seen said you haven't seen the latter parts - that makes sense! It's not a case of dumping, were not together and havent been for 3 months. Im better off without her, Im "me" again, but i've just worked it another way. Link to comment
Mrs Popsicle Posted February 1, 2011 Share Posted February 1, 2011 hey ask, just wondering how you're getting on? Mrs Popsicle Link to comment
askltk Posted February 1, 2011 Author Share Posted February 1, 2011 Pop's I've been trying to get off here recently - to concentrate on what I'm doing for myself. It's worked wonders. Quick recap to last week (seems ages ago!) - She went on a date.I found out (she doesnt no). Link to comment
askltk Posted February 1, 2011 Author Share Posted February 1, 2011 Pops I've been keeping off here for a bit, mainly because I've been busy, but also I wanted to see where my own decisions would take me. I thank all for their advice tho! Ha I'm doing good. Ever since i found out about her date, I've almost felt like a weight had been lifted. It's odd, but her dating made me care less - which was my problem. As I've said above, we have a "date" tonight (Tuesday). It's dinner and movie, which she asked for and I clarified as a date. We've talked alot more over text, lead by her, about all things recently. More and more it's about what Im doing and who with. Since her date, she's been forthcoming. She invited me round to watch PS I love you (retracted it after she said her sister was there...), and I saw her the first time in weeks at her restaurant (out to dinner). She was very attentive to me, spend lots of time talking , commenting on how good i looked (and joked about my eye brows), and seemed to want to get me drunk! Ha She knew I was due to head out afterwards, and even asked if she could come! Towards the end of the night, my lift arrived. I was talking round the back with some of the staff, when she came in and said my lift was here. I went to leave, but, infront of her and her friend (who we went to Dublin with), said feel free to stay here and I'll take you home....! I was quite enjoying my night, so said yes, but made sure it was ok with her! By the time she offered me a lift, I was quite drunk (thanks to her...!), but kept it together and we talked about the issues she'd been having etc.. Got to mine, and I kissed her on the cheek as per normal, thanked her for the lift and went. She said she was looking forward to Tuesday - and I said "I know". She text me when she got home, and I we text for a bit before I dozed off! Ha I've started dropping some flirty comments here and there, which she responded to.Also, she mentioned how people think she look like Hilary Swank - and my response was "yeah you do, when she did Million Dollar Baby!" - obviously a joke, and she frowned yet laughed it off! Ha Today's date night, and havent heard a peep from her!Ha Baring in mind we have talked excessively recently, its unexpected. But, not bothered - I've had meetings all day and were havnt arranged a time yet! Ha Before today, I was thinking about taking a leap of faith and making a move tonight. Things have been going well. I may even try the old school "yawn and stretch move" at the movies! HAHA Link to comment
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