browneyedgirl36 Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 I would consider breakups for a relationship. This seems more like ending a brief, disastrous fwb experiment. I'm still amazed how you guys could fight all day one day while barely knowing each other. I am too, which is why I'm glad to hear that you're trying to come to an understanding of why it happened -- I think that's essential in avoiding it in the future. I know you said there's more to the story that you're not sharing, and that's understandable, and I'm sure you're right that this is factoring into your current feelings. I don't have "anxiety" in the clinical sense, but I DO tend toward catastrophizing (sp?) at times -- thinking of the worst possible thing that can happen in a particular situation and then convincing myself it will and getting my adrenaline all up trying to prepare myself for and defend myself from the "catastrophe." As time has passed and I've gotten older and recognized my pattern, I realize that most of it happens when things are going well in my life and I fear everything changing drastically and all the good being wiped out. And, often, there's an element of "punishment" in it -- I have told myself in the past, that if my happiness gets ruined, I'm being "punished" for a mistake I made, that I don't "deserve" to be happy. I attribute it partly to hormones (because I'm perimenopausal and have been for several years, and the hormones are all over the place), partly to a Catholic upbringing (where you're taught to feel guilty about EVERYTHING), and mostly to my past experiences, which for a long time convinced me I was not "worthy" of love, happiness, etc. Now, knowing all this, I catch myself and say "You're just making stuff up." I'm not religious, but I read this great book by a female Buddhist monk in which she talks about how thoughts are just things we create -- we make stuff up. Thoughts aren't real -- we create them in our heads; they aren't true just because we tell ourselves they are. So, I catch myself a lot and say, "These are just thoughts. This is just stuff you're making up." It helps to ground me back on Earth. Anyway....glad you are realizing FWB is not good for you. I don't know one person (in my own life) who has ever successfully executed an FWB relationship without HUGE complications. There are people who can separate sex from feelings, and then there's everyone else -- the vast majority of people. Just keep in mind what your goals are. Even if you're unsure about kids and marriage isn't your top priority, you still want a relationship with ONE person, and a commitment from that person, right? I don't want kids (decided that long ago) and don't even necessarily need marriage, but I definitely wanted a monogamous relationship with a like-minded man, and I kept that in the forefront of my mind when trying to date; any non-serious types need not apply! I hope you can feel better about this soon. Just keep reminding yourself that if you're fighting with someone after knowing him for only a few weeks, he's not relationship material (at least not for you). It shouldn't be that difficult or anxiety-producing that early on. Link to comment
petite Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 It seems to me that you want a good man in your life that you're willing to test the waters even with the guys you know are not emotionally available. You want someone and take risks with guys, but you have to learn to try and shift how you get attached to them. Getting attached so quickly isn't healthy for you in the long run because you're liable to give the wrong guy many chances because of a few good things about him. I see the changes you have made. I see you standing up for what you want, but I also see you desiring so desperately to be loved and wanted that you put up with a lot of BS you probably should not. You're an attractive smart woman and you don't need to waste time on men that aren't emotionally available and into you 110%. Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 22, 2016 Author Share Posted March 22, 2016 I know. The attachment thing is difficult and I'm still trying to work to block it. I think in other parts of my life, my boundaries are much better. I don't know if it's because I lost my dad early on in my life or my relationship with my mom is strained, but I definitely have some attachment issues in romantic relationships where I want to know all the parameters early on, too early for other people. Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 23, 2016 Author Share Posted March 23, 2016 Omg, worse drama now. Ewok works in the same building as me and one of his coworkers was recently fired but she has 3 months left here. Ewok called me today to tell me the fired girl told another person in the lab that she has a gun and is going to kill the boss. I wasn't there, but that's not even a funny joke. I've reached out to her last week to give her encouragement, but now I'm really worried. She is going to see our HR tomorrow, so hopefully they can help her mental calmness but this is crazy and now I'm trying to figure out if I need to say something or do something. Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 23, 2016 Author Share Posted March 23, 2016 Well, work-related drama aside.... I have 2 dates lined up. 2nd date with M next week, and a 1st date with C on Thursday night. Talking with a few other men as well. May help distract my mind. I can tell you guys that my anxiety sometimes runs wild, like too much compared to what a situation entails. For example, a few months ago, the weather was really awful. My boss didn't come into work and didn't reply to one of my emails. He usually tells me when he's not coming into work and he usually replies to my emails pretty quickly. I (for whatever reason) spent half the day worried that he was dead in a ditch and that I would have to take over some of his responsibilities, like upcoming events. Which is a bizarre place for a mind to go! And he was fine, just his kid was home sick that day. But that day, my mind really ran wild. Link to comment
petite Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 I think you mentioned taking meds for the anxiety, but don't remember if you mentioned seeing a therapist right now? Perhaps that is what you need now, someone to help you work through some of the struggles you're experiencing. I find therapy so helpful because it allows me to grow and learn how to manage certain situations and make positive changes that allow me to grow without impacting my child or husband negatively. Maybe some of those attachment issues should be discussed with someone that can help you work through certain issues so that in the future you don't get attached so quickly. I know some things are out of our control, but it is up to you how much of yourself you choose to invest in a relationship that is new. I think you have to master resilience (it is hard!) because it can help you when you're faced with stressful situations. Also, I do not want to come across as if I am judgemental (not my goal at all) but perhaps avoid cuddling/kissing/sex talk with guys early on until you talk to them, go out on a few dates and so forth. Just based on this thing with D, it is clear (at least to me) that you got attached to him physically being present, which is not a bad thing, but everything else other than the sex and him being there for the physical connection did not match what you want/need. The work drama with the girl is scary, but maybe best you do not get involved. You did not hear or witness her saying it, if those that did hear/witness her saying it want to take the matter further they can. Don't get involved. Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 23, 2016 Author Share Posted March 23, 2016 Yeah, I was seeing a therapist, but then she started a private practice in town. I should contact her and see if she'd take my insurance. Otherwise, I can contact the office where I used to get therapy and sign up with a new counselor. Things were going smoothly for a while, but I think it would be a good idea to start up with therapy again, as dating tends to drag up all these issues for me. In general, I do not kiss/cuddle/talk sex with men for the first few dates, though there are exceptions from time to time, with varying results and emotions. Obviously I moved way too fast with D and got attached despite not liking 80% of what he had to offer. In hindsight, that was not the best move. Several guys have been writing to me - the ones who talk about sex right away, I've just shut down. It's actually ... I don't know the word.... Like, when a guy suggests i meet him at his hotel or house the first night and in the first message... I'm thinking, "some women charge $200 an hour for this service, why would I cut into their potential jobs by providing this service to you for $0? Would you at least give me a $20 for an Uber home?" sheesh. Actually, the last few guys who have suggested dinner and sex on the first meet, I've just said yes to dinner, no to sex. Then they got pouty with me and said, "Ok, goodbye." I wrote back to two of them, 'I give it up on the 3rd date, sorry that's too long for you to wait!!' Then one replied with a dozen more messages, lol. which I ignored.. I sent the woman an email referencing what we talked about last week - but I made no mention of what I heard today. (I ran into her at lunch time last week and she told me about her firing situation.) I just gave her the names of some people at the career center who were helpful to me and told her to sign up for their seminars (they have nearly weekly seminars on job hunting, resume writing, networking, etc...). And just reiterated that while it sucks now, just about everyone I know who's been fired has a better paying job where they are much happier. I just tried to send a super positive email and hopefully she might take that to heart. Link to comment
faraday Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 If anyone talks about sex before meeting, I wouldn't even bothering talking to them again. Obviously they aren't interested in getting to know you on an intellectual or emotional level...they've shown you their hand...and it's not what you're looking for. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 That's not always the case. I've had men come on strong to me on the first date and we ended up together for many years. This has happened a few times. Men wanted sex. Heck, I wanted sex! It's a human need, not a bartering chip. I'm not for sale, you don't "earn" me. I give it when I want to and if someone judges me for that, so be it. I haven't been hurt that much by it. Maybe I think about sex like a guy, I don't know. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 Re: the woman from work and the gun, I also don't think you should report it. Given that it's third hand information (you heard it from Ewok who heard it from a friend, right?), there's no way to know what exactly she said and how she meant it. I agree with you that it's not a funny joke, but I can easily see someone saying this as an poor joke in a moment of frustration. It could have such a huge effect on her career for you to report it that I think you have to be completely sure about what happened and seriously worried that she is a threat to others. It's very nice that you reached out to her. I bet it will help her feel better. Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 23, 2016 Author Share Posted March 23, 2016 No, I won't report the woman who's been fired. But the lab mate she told this to, she's thinking about telling their boss today. I don't know what's going to happen. Like you said Sophie, if she says something, it sets off a huge cascade. But then again, I'd be scared if she really did get a gun and shoot up the lab or something. I'm hoping the email I sent will remind her there's better things in store if she just focuses on finding a new job. Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 23, 2016 Author Share Posted March 23, 2016 2 weird online guys today: I was talking with one guy, A, who asked me out for Friday. This morning, I got 2 texts from him. The first said, "good morning, how is your day?" the second said, "I don't want to meet you now." I was like huh? I asked him to clarify. He said he checked on my Facebook account with my phone number and found that I was pro-planned parenthood and he thought they were disgusting baby murders and told me I'm a monster and not to talk to him again. ok..... The second guy was emailing me - he's deployed overseas and will be moving to my area in a few months. I said "I'm looking to date someone in (city) now." he said, "oh, I see you're just looking for a quick hookup, well, that's not my thing." geez. I just deleted and blocked. Link to comment
faraday Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 Be thankful the anti planned parenthood guy has shown himself for who he is. Next! Link to comment
thejigsup Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 That was rude. I'm Pro Life, but Planned Parenthood does so much for women besides abortions. What a short sighted a**! Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 23, 2016 Author Share Posted March 23, 2016 That was rude. I'm Pro Life, but Planned Parenthood does so much for women besides abortions. What a short sighted a**! It was too early for me in the morning to have that argument. So I just deleted and blocked him. Link to comment
notalady Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 2 weird online guys today: I was talking with one guy, A, who asked me out for Friday. This morning, I got 2 texts from him. The first said, "good morning, how is your day?" the second said, "I don't want to meet you now." I was like huh? I asked him to clarify. He said he checked on my Facebook account with my phone number and found that I was pro-planned parenthood and he thought they were disgusting baby murders and told me I'm a monster and not to talk to him again. ok..... The second guy was emailing me - he's deployed overseas and will be moving to my area in a few months. I said "I'm looking to date someone in (city) now." he said, "oh, I see you're just looking for a quick hookup, well, that's not my thing." geez. I just deleted and blocked. Weirdos!!! Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 24, 2016 Author Share Posted March 24, 2016 I have a date tonight with C. He works in biotech/pharma and is getting his undergrad degree at night. We'll see how it goes - he seems nice so far though I don't know a lot about him. Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 24, 2016 Author Share Posted March 24, 2016 Thanks batya and MM. Hopefully we have fun tonight. Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 25, 2016 Author Share Posted March 25, 2016 ok, just got home. I met him © at a tavern and I had dinner and he had a snack. he was nice, looked better than his photos. He's very smart, conversation flowed really well for 2 hours. he doesn't live with his parents, he has a job, and goes to school at night (or now it's an online class). I was a bit worried at the end of the night he just gave me a hug and said, 'It was nice to meet you." then i felt kind of sad because he didn't ask me out or say i wanted to see you again.... but then he texted me 10 minutes later and said he had a nice time and would like to see me again. yay! Link to comment
Realitynut Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 Yay! I'm glad it turned out!!! Now where's an old man that looks and acts young....for me? Link to comment
notalady Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 Good to hear you had a good date! Link to comment
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