Annie's Journal of Dating and Body Hair Removal

[Batya33]

blarg. So I was supposed to meet with V today. He asked me yesterday if 2 worked, I said yes, and we picked a spot to meet. He texted me this morning when he woke up and asked if 2 still worked, I said yes. He said he would text me when he was getting ready to leave his house (he's about 30 minutes away by car). So I got to the coffee shop at 2, I said, "I'm here." he said, Oh, I haven't left yet, I understood that I would text you before I left so you didn't hurry. (?!?!) I'm like, "then why did you say 2 PM?!" I told him to forget it, I don't have time to sit around waiting for him to show up and I have work to do. So I left the shop, just got to work. Going to work on some stuff for a few hours, then get dinner with Carol.

 

Hate that kind of flakiness.

[notalady]

blarg. So I was supposed to meet with V today. He asked me yesterday if 2 worked, I said yes, and we picked a spot to meet. He texted me this morning when he woke up and asked if 2 still worked, I said yes. He said he would text me when he was getting ready to leave his house (he's about 30 minutes away by car). So I got to the coffee shop at 2, I said, "I'm here." he said, Oh, I haven't left yet, I understood that I would text you before I left so you didn't hurry. (?!?!) I'm like, "then why did you say 2 PM?!" I told him to forget it, I don't have time to sit around waiting for him to show up and I have work to do. So I left the shop, just got to work. Going to work on some stuff for a few hours, then get dinner with Carol.

 

Errr...he made sure you're meeting at 2 twice then planned to be half an hour late (at least) himself some people just have no respect for other people's time.

[annie24]

Yeah, i have no idea what was up with that. If he saw he was running late by 1, I would have expected a text! Now that I look at google maps, his city is at least 40 minutes from mine.

 

So about the date with M yesterday... I think that his photos were cuter. He was a little awkward in person, but I don't hold it too much against them - could be first date nerves. He was precisely on time, ok dressed. I didn't like how he smelled - there wasn't anything wrong, he smelled clean, but I just didn't like his personal scent. I'm big on smells. anyway.... things were fine, conversation flowed, he seems like a responsible, mature adult. We both went to use the restroom after the brewery tour. I came out first and was waiting by a table. He came out of the bathroom and just planted a kiss on me! I was really shocked and I yelped. It like literally came out of nowhere.

 

We went to get a light dinner. He reiterated he liked me and hoped to see me again. He walked me to the train station and then kind of stood in the way of the entrance. He said he would like to see me again and I said sure. Then he grabbed me and tried to kiss me but I turned my head and he kissed my hair. It was like... agh. I had a nice time with him, but the way he kissed me really came out of nowhere and wasn't a turn on.

 

So.... yeah.

[missmarple]

Then he grabbed me and tried to kiss me but I turned my head and he kissed my hair.

 

This made me laugh. Seriously, though, he's a bit too forward, isn't he?

[thejigsup]

The smell thing would be a killer for me. I have to like their smell.

[Ms Darcy]

I do want a serious relationship - one that may result in marriage. Kids are - i'm on the fence. if I meet a great guy soon who wants to have kids I would. If he doesn't, i wouldn't. I'm not going to have kids on my own. While D said he wanted a serious relationship and he wanted to date me, I just don't feel like he's a suitable candidate, due to his own instabilities in his life right now.

 

That answers your question then. Serious relationship should mean serious guy.

[annie24]

That answers your question then. Serious relationship should mean serious guy.

 

yes, you are correct. Now I'm having second thoughts about ending the FWB - sigh. Though his only redeeming quality were his skills in bed. Part of me feels like I should have just gone along with point 4, but then other part feels like I would have gotten attached and it's easier to break it off now than later. Also, if I was seeing him once a week, that's a lot of time that I could be doing other things, like meeting other men or spending time with friends. But then I'd be having awesome sex. blah. this is hard. but then he would have just been a big headache for me. like last week when we were arguing before he was supposed to come over, I told him not to come over. Then after I calmed down for an hour or two, I told him he could come over. He said he would, but after he was finished playing a video game. I was like, "seriously!?" he's like, "yeah, you told me not to come over and my friend asked me for some help." I'm like really, after arguing all day and now I'm trying to make up, you need to play a video game? forget it, don't come over. (he came over anyway). It's like talking to a teen, not a nearly-40 man.

 

Carol and I had a nice dinner tonight. I told her how V didn't even leave the house by the time I got to the coffee shop. She told me when something similar happened to her - I remember it. She was out with me and a friend for brunch and she was supposed to meet some guy that afternoon. Brunch was running late so she texted him a few times to let him know she's be 15 minutes late. Then she finally got there and texted him, "I'm here." And he said, "oh, I just put some laundry in the wash, it will be done in 2 hours." !?!?! like, what is up with that? She's not going to sit there for 2 hours waiting for him!

[notalady]

To be fair if you said don't come over, you can't blame the guy for having made other plans instead and to just be ready to give that up because you came calling (whether it's video games or some other more important plans). But really, all that arguing sounds like a lot of hassle for what should be a no strings attached, drama free arrangement!

[annie24]

To be fair if you said don't come over, you can't blame the guy for having made other plans instead and to just be ready to give that up because you came calling (whether it's video games or some other more important plans). But really, all that arguing sounds like a lot of hassle for what should be a no strings attached, drama free arrangement!

 

I know.... but video games....? I get that he might have made other plans.... but this is after he was trying to convince me that I'm important to him....

 

yeah, i know - too much arguing for what should be just a fwb. definitely a sign this is not that right match.... I definitely need to let go of this in my head. I told him it was over because the situation was causing me too much anxiety and headaches. So now that's it's over, I really need to try to breath easier now.

[notalady]

I know.... but video games....? I get that he might have made other plans.... but this is after he was trying to convince me that I'm important to him....

 

yeah, i know - too much arguing for what should be just a fwb. definitely a sign this is not that right match.... I definitely need to let go of this in my head. I told him it was over because the situation was causing me too much anxiety and headaches. So now that's it's over, I really need to try to breath easier now.

 

Video games might seem stupid to you but might be important to him (pointing to yet another incompatibility). Maybe if he had said he had made plans to see friends, you wouldn't be so mad about it?

 

I used to date gamers in my twenties because I played computer games myself, but as I got to my late twenties and crossing over to thirty, I avoided guys who profess to be a gamer (ie play regularly and are very into it). It just feels like guys like that haven't fully grown up yet, often didn't have a very fulfilling career and social life, sometimes not wanting to face the responsibilities in life, thus escaping to the virtual world. I can't say I know all gamers of course, maybe I'm just biased

[annie24]

Yeah, we really weren't a match, were we? There's a part of me that was very judgy - saying in my head, "why are you off doing x, y, z when you could be writing to your kids or trying to fix your financial situation!?" Then again, I know everyone blows off steam in their own way, everyone has their own hobbies... that's fine. I write on here a lot, I'm sure some people would see an online forum as a waste of time.

 

I basically wasn't able to break up with logan because I was afraid of second-guessing myself. If i had, I would have probably racked my brain over and over wondering what if I gave him more time, gave him another chance, etc.....

[Fudgie]

I'm very judgey in my own head when it comes to people, especially men. I find that if I have that with someone, then I don't respect them. I mean, I'll ACT like I respect them, but deep down, I don't. Granted, I have my own failings and I admit to them but there are a lot of people out there who are just idiot-ing their way through life, to the point that you'll look and think "WHY are you doing that if you are in your position? Why are you buying that if you are so broke? GAHHHHH"

 

I think it's better off to cut off the people you don't have respect for and not date them. It opens you up to getting into "mommy" mode and that will lead to resentment. You need to be able to respect your partner, not see them as kind of hopeless.

 

True story: I had my ex N reach out to me out of nowhere. We don't talk really but he reached out to me out of the blue - why? Because he had questions on his bank account/insurance stuff! "How do I order checks?" and "How do I put in a medical insurance claim?" and "How do I find the cheapest car insurance? I think I'm paying too much."

 

Why was he asking me? Because I did these things for him when we were together. And YEARS DOWN THE ROAD, he's still in the process of learning. GAAAAAAH

[Ms Darcy]

I basically wasn't able to break up with logan because I was afraid of second-guessing myself. If i had, I would have probably racked my brain over and over wondering what if I gave him more time, gave him another chance, etc.....

 

And then he broke up with you because he thought he could do better once he got a job, right? Ugh.

[annie24]

And then he broke up with you because he thought he could do better once he got a job, right? Ugh.

 

Yup!!!!

 

Knowing what I do now, I wish I would have broken up with him way sooner.... but then when you're in it, it's hard to know if you're being too difficult/needy/pessimistic about the relationship. I certainly had several opportunities where I could have broken up with him but wasn't strong enough to do so.

[annie24]

In hindsight, there were a lot of opportunities for me to break up with him. I remember one day he was proud, said he had a very productive day. I asked what he did. He said he made an inventory of all the books he owned. (you know, in case that there was a fire, that he could buy all those books back.) I told this to Susan and she had the same reaction I had internally (but didn't say to him): "You spent all day cataloguing your books instead of looking for a job!?"

[browneyedgirl36]

I could be wrong -- I've been accused of over-simplifying some things, but...my feeling is that, if you have to think this much about it, if there are this many questions, the person or situation is not right for you. If there's tons of anxiety only a few weeks or a couple months into a relationship or dating experience, it's probably not a good match. If you're doing a lot of second-guessing, it's probably not a good match. You barely know this guy, and you were already feeling anxious and worrying about things. You were already getting annoyed with him about some things, unsure about some things -- those things would NOT get any better as time went on, had you stuck with him. In fact, they probably would have gotten worse, AND you would have found more annoying/disturbing things about him.

 

In the case of D, I'm sorry, but all the excuses about not seeing his kids would be such a huge red flag for me that just that one thing alone would have had me running. I get that parent-child relationships are complicated, and we don't have all the details, but...the vast majority of people I know are parents, and I can't fathom ANY of them not fighting for a relationship with their kids, including my boyfriend, who could have easily just let his ex have custody and just gotten occasional visitation, but there was NO way he was doing that.

 

Anyway, I don't mean to be preachy, but....I just see so many women on here second-guessing themselves and not trusting what their intuition is telling them. Does D not deserve a relationship because he has issues? Not true at all, but if he wants to find a good woman who has her stuff together, he needs to get HIS stuff together. And, having no relationship with his kids is going to be a huge red flag for the vast majority of women, especially those who have kids of their own or want kids.

 

Trust yourself. You know, deep down, what's right for you. EVERY time I have ignored my intuition about something or someone, I have regretted it. Sometimes, you just *know* something -- even if you don't know how or why you know it.

[annie24]

could be wrong -- I've been accused of over-simplifying some things, but...my feeling is that, if you have to think this much about it, if there are this many questions, the person or situation is not right for you. If there's tons of anxiety only a few weeks or a couple months into a relationship or dating experience, it's probably not a good match. If you're doing a lot of second-guessing, it's probably not a good match. You barely know this guy, and you were already feeling anxious and worrying about things. You were already getting annoyed with him about some things, unsure about some things -- those things would NOT get any better as time went on, had you stuck with him. In fact, they probably would have gotten worse, AND you would have found more annoying/disturbing things about him.

 

Yeah, that's what I keep saying to myself..... sigh.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah, that's what I keep saying to myself..... sigh.

 

Perhaps you can distract yourself a bit. Make sure he's blocked, date other guys, and satisfy yourself. (It seems like the sex is what you miss about him.)

[annie24]

Perhaps you can distract yourself a bit. Make sure he's blocked, date other guys, and satisfy yourself. (It seems like the sex is what you miss about him.)

 

Yes, you are right - I'm trying those things. I went out to dinner with Ewok tonight and he forced me to block him, delete his number, etc..... Which is good i guess because I'm feeling really sad right now. I miss him. I have to remind myself that these are false memories and how annoyed I was when he texted me like 50 times a day, asking me out to festivals in June or whatever. Maybe now that it's radio silence i'm completely missing these things.

[annie24]

/

[Ms Darcy]

I would consider breakups for a relationship. This seems more like ending a brief, disastrous fwb experiment. I'm still amazed how you guys could fight all day one day while barely knowing each other.

[faraday]

No more fwb, right? Because you knew this was a bad idea, went into saying "just sex" and now there's all this break up, missing him, being sad talk...I don't understand why you let yourself get attached to this loser. (Sorry for the bluntness but I'm in shock over how you're handling the end of this...2? 3? Week fling?)

[annie24]

You guys are right - I don't think that FWB is for me. Yes, 2 weeks of "dating" then 2 weeks of "FWB."

[annie24]

I would consider breakups for a relationship. This seems more like ending a brief, disastrous fwb experiment. I'm still amazed how you guys could fight all day one day while barely knowing each other.

 

I don't fully understand it either except to say he got under my skin. I've usually deleted and blocked men for far less than that. There's some more to the story which I haven't written about here and don't feel comfortable doing so, but I don't know, it might explain my kind of extreme reactions and the really complicated feelings involved.

[annie24]

My last therapist gave me a worksheet to fill out when I started getting "hot thoughts" (like thoughts that were causing me a lot of anxiety and trying to work through them). I just filled it out. I have generalized anxiety disorder so some things which maybe cause some people mild distress cause me a lot more and I wind up shutting down and then questioning my self a lot. Like I said, there's more to the backstory which I think if I explained here (which I won't), I think people might understand the flare-up of mixed emotions. I'm trying to understand the flare-up myself. Ultimately, I think if my old therapist were sitting here with me today (she started a new practice elsewhere), she might say, "well, there's better matches out there for you - a guy who you can have good chemistry with and far less drama and mixed emotions."

 

I'm chatting with some new guys online and still talking with M a bit.

 

In the meantime, I am writing a new manuscript on some interesting results, so I want to have that done in the next few days to discuss with my co-author. I'm apparently maybe hosting a large Easter brunch. I first invited one of my friends, I don't remember what I called her on here, so I'll call her Alissa. Alissa tends to host brunches but I suggested we have a brunch at my place to take the burden off a bit. So I invited a few people over for a potluck brunch, and now people are asking if they can invite their friends, so this might wind up being a bigger affair than I thought! I'll need to do some serious cleaning and organizing. I think it will be fun though. I have a lot of friends who are internationals who may not have anywhere else to go for Easter so I think this will be nice for all of us.