twelve

thanks to all of you guys, keefy, bibora, sonjam.. you are all right. i used NC because i truly thought i wanted it over, but now as time had gone on i have had second thought, but maybe I am forgetting the bad things she did to me. I still would like to clear my conscience, and it would also be nice knowing that she wouldn't think of me as those nasty things I said, but for being the bigger person and apologising, and being honest. Itd be harder for her to hate me. Yeh i'm wishing for a reconcile, but she told me just before the 2nd fight that i had broken her heart and she still loved me, so its hard to let go as i still love her. (interesting that i broke her heart when she stopped calling me the first time...wanted me to call....game player) ANYWAY *deep breath* lol BUt you are right sonjam, I need to do it for the right reasons. though NC can sometimes make people realise what they've lost and what could be fixed as well as being a time to move on...its hard to know what to do! if we could just TALK, things would be ok! *SCREAMS* Ive learnt and grown and i want her to know that... bibora: It seems to be on your consience the bad things you said or did, but you are angry at the ex also. I would consider apologising but also like Ive been told, not expect anything from it, do it for your own release, you will not be guilty. why is is that she wanted to be on contact again? putting her rules aside, why did she do this?she obviously wants to be friends and not complicate things, isn't that a good sign?

NOT YET you are in a very similar situation to me. my break up was also in september last year and done by me because of how i was being treated. ANYWAY I don't know when to or whether I should initiate contact so I am just sitting on it now, all the while trying to move on as much as poss (and not pushing this either). I suggest you wiat as you are not ready yet and you know that, but perhaps a time will come when it feels right. That is what I am doing. Sitting on ideas of what I will say. Making sure I am prepared...its scary huh? If i gain any insight as to when contact should be made and by whom I wil let you know. take care and keep us informed

I did. Out of anger. Now I want to talk things through, but stuff has been said....

Yeh I started off saying I was fed up, she told me I was overreatcing, turned it around, then I said if thats the way you see it I dont want to know you, so she said the same.... so we both ceased contact with supposed "closure" I want to contact her to apologise for stupid things I realise I have done, but am afriad of looking weak, as I also was proud to take a stand against her rubbish. (was not all my fault) so I dont know who should contact

interesting that she initiated contact to tell you some things and then said it was over. how did she say it was over? maybe she wants you to take a step now. she may have been too afraid to do all the crawling back...

I have done the no contact thing and I do think it is a good idea after a break up. but then what? if you are both doing it, and the break up was not one sided, but more out of conflict, who is supposed to initiate contact? wouldn't that person then be seen as the weak one? and that person then be viewed as the one at fault by making contact? just curious

do you mean me? i last saw my ex about 5 months ago. if you are asking for an answer for you, no I do not think so at all, time can change things.

I agree 100% with you, what you say is so very true, the person has to still love you. But with my situation, they do "when we got back in contact brielfy, she told me how much she missed me and felt about me, but i had had to inititae contact with her" It was me who told her where to go when she started treating me badly again. I am not the dumpee who has had someone fall out of love with them, so in this case, the pride issue doesn't really follow the usual rule, which I agree with you on, and I have no idea what to do, i regret the things I said out of anger and I know she will never contact me

heya, what i was saying was that this is not ALWAYS true, like, i agree with ya, but it's not a rule that can be appiled to every person/situation. I gave examples of another ex she was in love with, but waited for him to contact her. WEIRD, I know before our last fight, when we got back in contact brielfy, she told me how much she missed me and felt about me, but i had had to inititae contact with her. have a reread of my post now, and you'll see what i am on about hopefully PS: iam an ex best friend, not ex bf/gf

heya DragonGirl724 do you have a response to the above that you can answer honestly i believe you are right somewhat but not entirely.

no seriously, less contact can stop fights, people get titchy if they spend too much time together. i believe he could have a geniuine reason for wantuing this. the best test is to stop contacting him and see what he does. itll hurt, but itl be worth it in the end. if he doesn't, you know it was never going to work out really if he didn't have anough feelings, and it just stoppedit being a long drawn out process and you can begin the path to recovery sooner. if he contact you you will feel great.

i find it respectful that she let you know that she can't write her full reply yet.

maybe just send a reply saying hey thanks for the reply, but i just want to reaffirm that there is no pressure here, I just wanted you to know, its fine that you don't feel up to getting back to me again. Kinda thing, What do you think? She cares, so much that she is worried about writing the wrong thing, she wants to reply when she has time and energy to sit down and make it right I don't think you should take this as bad at all.

Thanks, I see your point and I agree with you, harsh but TRUE But I just want to say, this person does this with anyone who she loves, when they hurt her, she punishes them, and won't instigate, likes her power. Background: I used to play music with this person. She did it with her current boyf, he had to come back to her after long time of NC. When we had a fight and didnt speak for 6 months, I had to go back to her, and she was very defensive, but told me how she felt I was the only one for her musically and I know how she feels about me. (only after I asked her to play music again with me)..I know a BS line when I hear it and this person wudnt bother with one, it was hard for her to say it I could tell. So now im confused. People can be very manipulative. Strategies are BS.

I'm really offended by this. This is the last thing I need right now. I don't mean to be rude, but you have completely missed my point. I didn't actually think that you would decide I have a crush on this old friend of mine because I am gay. I don't want to have sex with a girl just because I love her. This girl was a sister to me. I also said I was gay and didn't hide that, I don't have a problem with it so I don't know but it seems you jumped down my throat? My mate is not jealous, she understands we had a musical bond and is not threatened by that. We have a very good relationship . Me and this girl were platonic, just because we have a special loving bond does not mean it has to be sexual. Her boyfriend also plays music and did not like her playing with other people. He knew very well that she is straight, he was not threatened by me in that context. He knew that even if it had been that I liked her that way I wouldn't do anything, he was just a jelaous guy with not many friends who wanted her to himself. "You sound like you don't know who you are or what you wani." Yes I do, and yes I know what I want, that hurts man. My problem is that i have had trouble with power games and don't know what to do. What the hell I want? I just wanted my frinedship/musical connection back and some help here and I thought that you wanted to help.

for me it has been a year, im still hurting, i have been on and off ok, not ok, i miss her like CRAZY, noone else has been the same. a year is a long time. I agree with the poster. What do you do when you know they love you, they made it clear you were soulmates, even when you got back together briefly before fighting again over unresolved unspoken issues?? You know they still love you and thats not the issue. but its also known they are the most sutbborn person with TOO MUCH PRIDEw ho would never contact you again? but you know if you could just talk itd be all ok... no stategies, but you know no matter what they feel they won't come back...??? and you don't want to lose them?

I agree that it seems you needed to do this and I can understand the fear you are feeling. I had a similar situation where I was sick of a frined playing power games with me and blaming me for everythign and one day i tol dher to get stuffed quite harsly, as i reached breaking point, and said, if you cant take any part in the blame, dont reply to me. and she only replied to say shed reply when she wasnt so busy. so i said dont bother. it really hurts. She always made it clear how much she cared for me, but also made it clear how much she cared more about her position of power and pride than her relationship with me. some poepl are f****d up. Its gona hurt, but try let him go. maybe send him a polite email or txt saying, look im sorry to be so harsh, but the way you spoke to me was really not nice and out of line and its important you don't do that if you want a relationship with me.

I had someone do the similar to me, power games, ended up with me reacting very badly to it and now we have both lost out. People who play games and tests surely must be really insecure. WHY WHY WHY you're better off i say

you still have feelings for her but are being defensive. she may have changed and realised and maybe she deserves another chance, but that's up to you. maybe you should be a little more forgiving. but then again, she didn't apologise. then again, she may have done it at dinner. if it were me, i wuld say, um, you really hurt me and now you want to go out to dinner? an opener for her to apologise...elaborate...say what she really wants to. i don't think shutting her out was a good idea, i don't think she'd feel comfortable contacting you again since she has been rejected. Getting her back doesn't really solve anything. If you want her, but are scared to trust her, contact her, go out with her, and see if she apologises at dinner and has changed. if she has not, or does not, then you can call it quits. What do you think?

yeh pheonix I am really happy for you, I have been reading your story . congrats and good on you, you a are reminder that things can turn out for the best.

Heya Cassian, thanks for wading through all of that, I really appreciate any reply, so thanks. complicated, OH YES We are platonic and always have been. There are no feelings like that from either side. The reason we aren't dating: she is straight, and like a sister to me, I don't fancy her in a sexual way, but I really really love her, and know its mutual, well it was for a long time and stillw as after our last big fight I'm gay, but have a girlfriend whom is it for me, but maybe now you might not believe the above statement but it is platonic, though a very strong close bond we had, with strong love, just not sexual. She is with someone, and has been for ages, and my objection to him is that i feel he saw me as a threat because we were so close and this made him act standoffish to me. Yes there was some jealously admittedly, when I started going out with my gf, she suddenly got back together with this guy. I did feel threatened by her relationship with him in all honesty, just natural i guess, it wasn't major, just someone else shes close too But the things he does I did not make up in my head, I thought that, but others said, hes really rude. She views/viewed our relationship as a soulmate friendship, she told me a lot, it was clear between us, a musical connection also like no other we have both ever had. She called our meeting " a divine intervention" I don't feel she'd need to raise her attractiveness to other men, shes very attractive. Now you really aren't going to believe me. But yeh, the feelings betwwen us were very much mutual, the one of a kind friendship ones, magical as, im sure oyu know what I mean. thats why im heartbroken. guess thats why i broke her heart (by not calling her back when she said shed call me ) Hurts so much that she has to be like this, I just wana reach out to her, but I don't want to be the weak one. THANKS AGAIN SO APPRECIATED

shocked+dismayed your post on the first page was really onto it, and it helped me with a situation too, im thinking about what you said. Thank you xoxox

give it time if you are meant to be together, you will be. You have a lot of time together head of you, be grateful for that and let your relationshiop blossom slowly, that way if you end up together, it is more likely to last. good luck!

ps: so sorry about the long as post, I couldn't find a way to describe it properly any shorter. I'd just like to say that how I have grown is with realising not to be so sensitive and I shouldn't have pushed things so much

Firstly I wuld like to say that this place is really sweet. I have come here for advice and read a ot of very helpful intelligent stuff on the forums, and I hope my advice has helped some people. The world isn't a bad place ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am having an issue with an extremely close friendship that i had for five years, that broke up a year ago. I thought i was ok but I'm not. I know this should be in friends area but this relationship was also a soulmate type musical connection, and was as close as a relationship bewteen a couple, without the physical. ANYWAY the girls boyfriend was rather harsh to me back a year ago, and i tried telling my friend and she wouldnt have a bar of it, saying i was making things up in my head and overreacting.she stopped talking to me and promised to call but never did. so i came on here, and with your help I managed to do the no contact thing. I now realise she wanted me to call, she wanted to be in power, but never did. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- six months later: we start saying hello again when we cross paths at the tech we used to go to. One week i get this urge/overwhelming feeling that something s going to happen, and I miss her more than I had for ages. I make her a present, two cds of my favorite bands. We cross paths that week and say hi and I stop her and tell her i have soemthing for her. we agree to meet for coffee. we do and chat, and she seems surprised i gave her cds. i ask her if we'll play again (music) and she says well I am the only one she would ever want to play with, i know how she feels about me etc. I tell her im playing in other bands, she says shes not been doing any music. we then arrange at her suggestion to meet for a drink before end of the year, and jam after tech , wed need to chat before she'd jam again so stuff wouldnt happen again. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- over the next few weeks i see her around + id ask her if shes litening to my cds and she says no she hasnt had time. this goes on and one day i see her and shes quite stand offish, and sasy she dosnt like the music, (fair enough)but she says it in quite a snobby way, no thanks for my gift. Me being oversensitive at the time got very hurt. She then rings me at work, where she needed to get something done. i think shes ringing me. Shes not. I make chit chat, she then says she on her mobile and has to go shell call me back. i go home crying at the disappointment, feeling rejected, touchy as. she then gives something back to me when i ask for it, in not good condtion and then seems very hurried. i text her and say its not good enough, bye, completely fed up of the way she was treating me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- she then texts back, WTF??? I thought you were trying to fix things??? now you are freaking out again, blame blame blame. you broke my heart back then + to be honest ive been very wary. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- so i stand up to her for once. not very politely (cringe), sayn how I was too, and she hurt me too and im not overeacting i have feelings etc. we have a txt fight for some time. then i say i want closure, im not taking her **** anymore, she cant just treat me like that, be so rude. I then email trying to politely explain my point of view, and she doesnt want to hear it, [-X says its not appropriate to reply until tech is over shes busy. (OUCH) HEATED TXTS: I say don't reply if its she cant accept any blame for once, I needed to say that for closure, bye. She says, just as well, you didnt wan't to hear my closure speech. I end saying YOUR LOSS. (i have never stood up to her before). its been 6 months, and Im starting to miss her again BADLY. My head says don't go there, she tried to control you, treated you bad, but my heart cant let go of what we had, we were soulmates (in a friends way) I know she felt the same way about me. I know she missed me when I didnt contact her, she told people. SHe is VERY stubborn and won't back down , I always have to contact her. It's not that she doesnt have a huge soft in her heart for me i know she does, and probaly misses me like crazy, but she wont back down. I want to make peace. I feel terrible for what I said to her and am scared she wouldn't forgive me, but i have grown on my own and changed. I want her to see that and start again. I look really bad now. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Should I hold my ground and suffer this loss, or should I stop being so defensive and tell her how I fell - big risks here of course, but the urge is so strong. our problem could be fixed so easily if we just talked openly. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I REALLY APPRECIATE ANYONE WHO HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO READ THIS !!!!!! woah