scaryhobo

You say we were two good people who were a miss match, but I never agreed. You never knew what it was to communicate, to really open yourself up. If you could, you would have discovered the depths of what I could have given you.

I started to write this today, and really considered sending it. What good would it do though? : As I write this I still can't believe I find myself in the place I'm in. As much I as tried to prepare for the fact that this might happen I find I don't feel like I was ready at all. I don't think I ever imagined you'd really walk away from everything we had. I can't tell you how disappointed I am in you, but just as much disappointed in myself. I really never, ever dreamed that I'd one day be talking about my EX-wife. I never thought I would choose someone like you. I thought if I followed my heart I'd find the right woman, and I thought if I did my best, and did everything I could to be my best, we'd always find a way. You talked about how you saw the path of our relationship, how we grew together in the first half, but grew apart in the second. I see a relationship where we spent the first half making promises to each other, either explicitly or implied, and you spent the second half breaking those promises, right up to last and most important one, that forever meant forever. I know I haven't always been at my best, and at times I've been demanding and self centered, but I always took the promises I made seriously. The things you said you realized were holding you back, the obligation to our families, the promises of marriage, were the most important things that guided me as I tried to grow and learn. What kind of person are you that you would dismiss those things as burdens that are keeping you from doing what you feel like doing? These things set the frame for me, and especially over the last months before our break I was beginning to find the joy and reward that came with living up to them. I believed so much in you. As we approached the end I still believed that you were going to find a way to grow into our relationship, into our marriage. I believed you would learn what it is to truly love someone, and to allow yourself to be loved. The part of me that's causing me the most pain, the part that's going to cause me the most pain as it slowly dies, is the part that believes you might still find the woman in you that believes in life long love and promises kept, but if you can't then you don't deserve me, and I deserve so much better than you.

I'm not a female so this isn't a females perpective, but I figured I would give you my perpective anyway, since I've exerianced almost the exact same thing. I started seeing a girl once and things got pretty intence pretty fast, but after about a month she decided she didn't want to go out with me anymore. After that though, she still treated me like we were together and was very demanding of my attention. I just kinda played along and treated her like my pretend girlfriend, but after spending more time around her and seeing how she acted around other guys I realized she was just an attention whore. Not a real slut, but a slut for attention, you know what I mean? Anyway, I can't say that the girl you're talking about is like that but maybe you should pay attention to how she acts around other guys. If she's after everyones attention than she's just an attention whore, but if she only wants your attention then it probly means she likes you but doesn't know how to deal with it.

Just take it slow. Don't say or do anything too quickly. For now just try to get to know her and let her build an interest in you. Don't be too demanding of her time or attention, especially if she is studying hard. Whatever you do DON'T tell her how you feel right now! It WILL freak her out and you will pretty much blow whatever chance you have with her. But DO try to let her know you are interested in her in more subtle ways, through your actions and attitude tword her. Worry more about getting her interested in you and don't worry too much about letting her know how you feel about her. Take your time and get to know her and when the time is right, make your move, but don't get yourself in a hurry. And since you are shy, try to enlist your sisters help as much as possible.

At least daily. I'm a guy.

I, and I think most people have different songs for different situations. I don't always have the same songs that I listen to when I've gotta get over someone, but it always helps to have songs that speak for me. Nothing sooths the soul like a song that seems to be about what you're going through. My songs right now are: Pearl Jam - Black Vertical Horizon - Everything You Want Metalica - No Leaf Clover Crosby, Stills, and Nash - Southern Cross Doobie Brothers - What a Fool Believes Smashing Pumpkins - In the Arms of Sleep U2 - I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For Goo Goo Dolls - Iris

No, the battle is really over. Thats become absolutly clear in talking to her just now. The reasons don't make any sense to me, but like you say, women are really a puzzle. I've talked to a couple girls I know about this and they can't make any sense of it either, but none of them seem to think that my situation is all that unsual. Even though I've kinda got closure now, the whole situation makes me want to curl up and die. Talking to her has again shown me what kind of person she is, and it makes me sick to think how close I came to being with someone who fits me so well. Theres comfort in knowing theres not a damn thing in the world I could have done, but at the same time I've never felt so cheated by fate. Life is really f'ed up..........

disEnchantid, I think you've got one thing to latch onto to help you let go. The fact that he turned his back on you and didn't even want to be friends reflects pretty badly on the person he is. I had someone do that to me once and my anger at her for just turning her back on me was one of the main things that helped me through it. I don't envy you though, I'd rather have someone say they want to be friends, even if I can't handle being just friends, than have them just turn their back on me. I guess I'm kinda lucky this time around in that this girl is not only staying friends but she also took the time to talk to me when I was in Brazil and she helped me understand alot about the situation and about how things ended up the way they did. Understanding made things a lot easier although the fact that she was willing to talk to me the way she did was another thing that showed the type of person she is and it gave me one more reason to like her. Kinda ironic..... Anyway, one of the things that has helped me, which might help you is to think about how things ended up the way they did. I've been turing my situation over and over in my head and I've come to a pretty good understanding of how things ended up the way they did. I don't think theres a damn thing in the whole world that would have lead to things ending differently. Even though I still like her alot and I still want to be with her, knowing that theres almost nothing that could have changed the way things turned out has given me alot of comfort. In the end though, its like everyone says, the only thing that will really make you feel better is time. Being able to understand the situation or having something to latch onto to help you let go are luxuries. They might make the process easier or faster but in the end it just takes time. Going over things in my head has helped me some, but the thing that has helped the most is the time that has passed. Once in a while some thought or memory will come into my head and cripple me for a moment, but it passes, and these thoughts aren't as frequent or painful as they used to be. Just give it time and peace will return to you.

This question has sort of been asked a bunch of times, but I figured I would go ahead and just ask it. How does attraction work for girls? I mean, what makes the difference between friends and more than friends for a girl? And I don't just mean inital attraction, I mean in the long term too. For a guy its pretty easy to expalin, its almost all physical. For the most part if a guy is physicly attracted to a girl, i.e. he thinks shes hot, he will want to go out with her. Of course there are other factors going on too. For example, knowing the type of person a girl is can make me lose interest in her. I might be attracted to a girl initially, but if I find out the type of person she is and I don't like that person, I'll lose interest. But for girls it seems to be more complicated than that. A girl can be physiclly attracted to a guy, she can love everything about the person he is, she can have great chemistry with him and really be able to connect with him, and yet there can still be something missing. Or worse, a girl can be going out with a guy, be physicly attracted to him, love the person that he is, have a great realtionship with him, and suddenly lose interest in him as more than a friend. This is what I'm going through and its something I've seen alot of my friends go though. From reading this forum I've found that alot of girls on this forum are or have put a guy through this, and a lot of guys on this forum have been subjected to this by girls. Anyway, this seems to be a phenomenon, like theres some sort of "X" factor that determins whether a girl is or stays attracted to a guy. I would imagine its not that simple though, and I doubt I'm gonna get a very clear answer to this question. But I hope some of the girls here can give the guys some insight into how attraction works for girls and what it is that makes the difference between wanting to go out with a guy and just liking him as a friend. Or better, each girl can tell how she becomes and stays attracted to a guy, since I'm sure its different for every girl. This has become a big issue for me because it seems like no matter how much you trust a girl, you can never trust her emotions. It's been my experiance that a girls emotions and her attraction to a guy can change suddenly, without warning, and it makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to fully trust a girl.

But first be honest with yourself and think about what your feelings are and why you feel the way you do. Benevolent and Michael2 have good points. I've seen alot of girls throw away good, maybe perfect relationships for some seemingly arbitrary reason. And give some thought to your feelings and maybe think about the fact that you have a certain degree of control over your emotions. Maybe if you look at this guy or the relationship in a different way and think about all the good in it, the life might come back into it for you. Just a thought

I've seen alot of posts from guys who have a hard time talking to girls and I figured you could use some advice from someone who was once just like you (and to a certain extent still is). The single most important thing you need to talk to girl is CONFIDENCE. And you won't become more confident if you try to be confident just to get girls, you need to work on your confidence in general, and don't even worry about getting girls. You need to work on improving yourself. Find things to do that give you confidence, hang out with people that make you feel good about yourself, and most of all, give yourself credit for who you are and what you've acomplished. I've acomplished alot for someone my age, but I still didn't have alot of confidence until I really started to give myself credit for the things I've done and the man I had to be to acomplished those things. I realized that I had just as much reason to be confident as anyone else, and this really helped me. Once you have confidence you will find yourself more at ease with women and it will be alot easier to talk to them. Confidence alone isn't always enough though, especially if you don't have much experiance talking to girls. Aproching a girl can still shatter your confidence if you don't have the right attitude about it. You need to break down the situation, and realize it isn't as big a deal as it feels like it is. This isn't the last girl on earth. In fact, theres a good chance she may turn out to be a b****, or at least someone who just isn't your type. If you are thinking about approaching a girl, don't look at it like you're trying to pick her up or get her to like you, look at the situation like you're trying to find out if she's even worth your time. If she is, it'll be easy, you soon be able to relax and have a pleasant conversation with her. If she blows you off then she's probly a b**** or an ice princess and not worth your time. And if you flub it, just play it off and don't be afraid to be what you are, a shy guy giving it a try. If you just play it off she'll probly be turned on by your honesty about who you are instead of being turned off by the flubed comeone. And remember she'll probly be flattered that you were interested in her enough to approach her. Think about how you'd feel if a girl came up to you, even if you weren't interested in her. You'd be flattered right? Approach the girl and start talking to her, and even if she wasn't interested in you before, she might develope an interest in the guy that had the confidence to approach her. The third thing is just to practice. Approach girls just for the hell of it, even if you expect to be shot down. If you expect to be shot down it will take alot of the pressure off. Approach girls you're not even interested in just for the experiance. Approach girls just for the rush it gives you. Eventually you'll develope confidence and skills that will make it easier. I'm not gonna pretend like I've turned myself into a pimp that can have any girl I want. There are still alot of situations I have trouble with (I can't approach any girl any time yet, although I'd like to be able to someday). But I have come a long way from who I was, and I'm at least as good at talking to girls as 90% of the guys out there. Hope this helps

It never blossomed because she lives in Brazil and I don't. We spent some time together and it was great, but I don't think we really had enough time together for things to really take off. I think they could have if we really had a chance to spend time together, but at the time I had my life to live and so did she, and unfortunately our lives were 7000 miles apart. Now I find myself trying to come to terms with the fact that despite all the potential we still have, she isn't interested in giving us a chance anymore, even though we have the oppertunity now (this is how I came to be a contibuter to this forum, heh).

Thanks for all your replies. This sight has helped alot as its shown me that alot of people have gone through the same sort of thing and alot of people have it MUCH worse than me, so I know I'm not alone and that this sort of things happens ALL THE TIME, and my situation isn't as uniquely F'ed up as it feels. I should make the distinction though, that I'm not trying to win someone back or get over a break up, I'm trying to win someone over or get over what might have been, so maybe the rules are a little different. A lot of the suggestions for how to heal and get over a break up are helping and working for me, but its hard for me to find closeure when I feel like we never gave it a chance. We never had a serious relationship because, at least in my mind, the relationship never had a chance to take off because she lives in Brazil and I live in America. Now I have alot more time and freedom to travel around, and I think now we have a chance to explore the possiblity of a relationship, as I'm able to spend alot more time with her. But she seems completely uninterested in taking that chance. To her we've already had our chance and she doesn't seem to have any interest in giving it any more thought than that. This situation is alot less painful than breaking up, living normally isn't all that difficult, but I think its just as frustrating. I know I can't change her feelings, but its so hard to just let it go when it feels like this SHOULD happen. We really care about each other on some level, its so hard for me to accept that it can't got to the next level, a loving, caring relationship.

How DO you get over someone that you think is perfect for you? I won't go into the details of this relationship here, because they're pretty involved, and I've talked about them before (see my other post "what was everything?") but I've never met anyone like her before and I've never felt this way about someone for so many reasons. I'm finding it so hard to convince myself to move on and forget about this girl because, at least as much as I know her, shes perfect for me. Shes right for me in ways that I've never even considered and I can't find fault in anything about who she is or our relationship. Everytime I've had to get over someone in the past, theres always been something about the person to help me along, something about the relationship or the girl that bothered me and helped me let go. This time though, everything about the girl and the relationship we have seems, well, perfect, except for the one thing that has me in this situation in the first place, which is fact that she doesn't have feelings for me as more than a friend anymore. Sometimes I feel ready to just suck it up and move on, but I have this feeling in my heart that keeps me holding on. I have this feeling like this just isn't RIGHT, that it shouldn't be this way. I believe so much in our potential and the relationship we could have. We have so much in common on a very deep and personal level, we're absolutly honest with each other, and I care about her so much. I KNOW that if she just gave me a chance, gave US a chance, we could be happy. It feels so much like we were meant to be somehow, and just letting go seems, well, wrong. I feel like she has to come around somehow because she SHOULD. Being together would be RIGHT and beautiful and shes got to realize this sooner or later. What makes it even harder is that she says she admires me so much and loves me for the person I am, although still just as a friend. She even said herself that I was everything she expected in the love of her life, except for the fact that she doesn't have any passion for me anymore. These things keep me thinking that if she just thought about it a little, if she changed her perspective a little, she'd see what I see and come around. My heart wants to hold on, no matter what, no matter how hard it gets. But I've told her everything I feel and everything I think of her and she still seems more or less indifferent, so in my head I know I should move on, shouldn't I??? I just don't know how. I know many of you will tell me to accept that it wasn't our time, but this concept is so foreign to me that its hard for me to accept. To me, anything is possible if you have an open mind, so the whole idea that the circumstances weren't right just doesn't click for me. Maybe someone can explain what it really means when you say the time wasn't right. I'm sure there are other people who have felt this way, that some sort of cosmic crime is being commited because you're not with someone or haven't been given the chance to be with someone. How do you deal with it? How do you accept what your heart tells you is wrong? I feel like I've come so close to finding the perfect person and the perfect love and yet I'm still so far away.

1: the thing you regret not doing or not doing again I regret questioning my feelings so much and worrying about what I should be feeling or what feelings appropriate to the situation and trying to control my feelings. I wish I had listened more to my heart and tried to face and understand my feelings instead of denying them. 2: would have you attempted to change but can't I wish the relationship I had with the the last girl I liked had the chance to blossom instead of getting cut short. 3: something you will prevent or change in the future I will be more bold and confident, and get over the fears that make me reluctant to do so many things.

Hmmm... I woud say you put yourself in a bad position when you asked her out before. It sounds like you pushed for it too hard in buying her the ticket and stuff and when she had to cancel you felt burned. I think if you're going to ask her out again I would be a little more relaxed about it and not push so hard to make it happen. As far as putting pressure on her, asking her out will put some pressure on her but really, its the least you can do unless you do nothing at all. And besides, your attitude is going to determin how pressured she feels more than anything. If you have a relaxed attitude about the whole thing and don't go into it expecting something it will help keep the pressure off. Don't think of the date like you're trying to make something happen, think of it like you're trying to find out if its even worth the effort of trying to make something happen. If you go on a couple dates and things go well, then I would start thinking about trying to get back together. But don't even think about getting back together until you go on a few dates and see how things go.

You don't have to aks her out for the sake of getting back together, just ask her out for the sake of asking her out. I think you're thinking too far ahead. Just ask her to go out with you with no assumptions or expectations. She already knows how you feel about her so just tell thar for now you'd like to just spend some time with her, nothing more. I wouldn't count on her making an effort even if she IS interested in going out with you because the whole situation may be too intimadating for her. I think you need to break the situation down a little, both in your head and in real life. If all you've said is that you still love her then you've put her in an all or nothing position, you know what I mean? She's got to think of wether or not she loves you back whenever she thinkins about seeing you and that may too much for her to handle. Just take a little of the pressure off of her and off of yourself. You don't have to think of it like you're making a huge effort to get back together, for now just think that you just want to see her again. She may be saying no to things being the way they were before but she hasn't said no to just seeing you again. Take it slow, think about it one step at a time.

Its hard to say what she's thinking now, but I know girls do this sort of thing. I would say you still mean something to her but you're a long way from being back where you were. You might be coming on a little strong telling her how much you love her and so forth. Why don't you just try to start from scratch? Tell her you'd like to give it another try and see how it goes? Just go out on a few dates with her if she's up for that. Maybe if you go out with her a few times it will give you some sort of closure. You might find that shes not the person you remember, or that she just doesn't seem as perfect for you as she used to. It seems like maybe you've been thinking about this too much and you've become detached from reality. I think the best way for you to work through this is to deal with her directly instead of doing it all in your head. I know and am learning from experiance that the best way to deal with a situation is to just deal with it and not try to think your way through it. I tend to try to think my way through situations with girls and I usually just end up going around in circles. I think the best thing for you is to confront her and the situation instead of trying to figure things out. Let me know how it goes. I'm in sort of a similar situation right now trying to deal with my feelings for a girl.

Believe me I've been going over this question in my head for weeks now and I still just can't understand. I know her well enough to know she's not a man killer. I honestly don't know what shes looking for in a relationship right now, and now that you mention it, I don't know why I never asked. We've always had an honest, open relationship, and its something I wish I had asked her a long time ago before getting in too deep. I know I probly won't get any real specific anwsers from anyone, since the situation is too complex for me to really explain, but it would help to get other peoples perspectives. I'd like to hear a girls perspective on all this, or hear from someone who has been in a situation like this before, where you thought everything was perfect in a relationship only to find that nothing was what you thought it was.

It sounds to me like your ex has become the definition of the perfect girl for you. I think this has happens to alot of people. You meet someone that is really amazing to you and you feel like no one else will ever be right for you. I'm going through the same thing. But what you have to realize is that there are alot of different ways for someone to be special to you. You have to open your mind to the different ways to find love and take each person for who they are, and not go looking for a certain type of person. As far as being mad at yourself about not being able to get her out of your head there isn't much you can do except just try not to thin about it. If you're happy not to be in a relationship then take advantage of it and just enjoy all te things you can do by yourself. Focus on the other things in your life that you enjoy.

To answer your question, just relax and enjoy it. The best kisser is someone who gets into the kiss and gets creative about it.

Thanks for the response I suppose it is a pretty involved post heh. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Your anwser gave me a little more perpective. I knew I was living in a dream world long before I even went back to Brazil. I've always been one to dream big, but I'm also one to follow those dreams and do what it takes to make them come true. I have in the past and its worked out, more or less. I guess maybe she doesn't think as big as I do. But what I don't understand is that, at least as far as I can tell, there never was a chance. I fully expected to go to Brazil with all these dreams in my head and have the reality of the situation hit me in the face, but I wasn't ready for her to be more or less indifferent to the idea of us being together. So I guess thats my question in a nut shell, is why did it mean so little to her?

I've got a long story here, but I hope some of you can help me understand the relationship I've had with a girl for the past year. I met a girl from Brazil last January when she came to visit a mutual friend of ours who went to my university. We hooked while she was here and she invied me to come visit her in Brazil when I was on spring break about a month later. I didn't really have a chance to get to know her while she was here, but before I went to Brazil we talked online alot and really connected. There were alot of things that we had in common and alot of things I could talk about with her that I couldn't talk about with anyone else. When I finally got to see her we pretty much picked up where we left off. I had a great time with her, but when it came time for me to leave she said she wasn't really comfterble staying together. I would have liked to stay together but she basically said that she hadn't really been with me long enough to be comfterble with a long distace relationship, and that she still wasn't sure of her feelings for me. That hurt but I got over it and we stayed close. Really close. Even though I never saw her, we still talked alot on IM and emailed each other alot. I honestly don't think I've been as close to anyone as I was to her. I felt like I could talk to her about anything. We talked about our lives, our dreams, our problems. I helped her through problems she had in her life and she help me through mine. I don't think I ever really got over her because we stayed so close and it always felt like something could still happen between us if we just had the chance to spend some time together. The more I thought about it the more I felt like we had the beginnings of a beautiful, supportive relationship. And the more I got to know her, the more I felt like I'd found the perfect girl for me. Still I wasn't going to jump to conclusions when I hadn't seen her in more than 6 months, In the last few months I've had the operitunity to do some traveling, and I decided to make Brazil my first stop. I should say that I didn't go there just to see her, but I was still hoping we'd have the chance to spend some time together and see what could happen between us. I told her about my plans to visit and we talked about the things we could do together when I was there, and she even talked about coming with me when I went to different cities in Brazil. When it got closer to when I was planing on leaving we talked a bit about how things were going to be when we saw each other again. I told her every thing I thought of her, but I also said that I wasn't sure how I would really feel about her until I saw her again, but that I hoped we'd be able to spend alot of time together and get to know each other better in person. She responded by saying that she thought it was best if we approach each other as friends, because she had come to see me as a friend, but lets see what happens when I get there. When I asked her why she saw me as just a friend, she said that she wasn't really atracted to me as more than a friend anymore and she wasn't sure if this attraction would come back when I saw her. She said something else though, somethig that really confused me. Afer she got done explaining her feelings to me, she told me she wished I was the love of her life and went on to explain that I was everything she wanted in the love of her life, but that she didn't have an attraction to me as more than a friend. At first I wasn't sure what to make of what she told me, but I figured she probly just needed to see me again and we'll just see what happens when I get there. Given the nature of our relationship, I figured that deep down she must still have some feelings for me. Even though she said she had come to see me as a friend, I figured once we saw each other there was a good chance that the relationship we had would grow into something more. The biggest assumption I made was that she was still open to the possibility of us being together, and that she was just being cautious about her feelings. But it turns out I was wrong. Two days before I left I got an email from her. About half of the email was just finalizing the details of my arrival, but in it she also said that she was going out with a guy in Brazil. She said it was nothing serious, not dating or anything, but she was going out with this guy. I immediately realized that things were not the way I thought they were between us. At first I thought maybe she had just gone out with this guy just for the heck of it, and that she might still be interested in me. After i got there and talked to her some more, it was clear that she didn't have any interest in me and that our relationship didn't mean as much to her as I thought it did. While I was in Brazil I talked to her more about our relationship and she tried to explain her feelings, both about me and her emotions in general. What I came to understand was that she never really considered having a relationship with me as more than a friend, at least not since I left Brazil the first time and we went our separate ways. When I asked her what she meant when she said lets see what happens when I get there she expalined that she just meant that she never knows what her feelings are going to be. She told me that she never knew why she liked any of the guys she's ever liked and that her feelings were basically a mystery to her. basically what I gathered was that she pretty much decided we were just going to be friends, but she was too unsure about her emotions in general to just tell me that she wouldn't have any interest in being more than friends. When I asked her what she meant when she said she wished I was the love of her life, she said that she had other friends she felt that way about, and that she just wished that because it would be easier for her to feel that way about someone like me, but that she didn't. I guess what I came to understand from everything she said was that she no longer had feelings for me as more than a friend, and that she wasn't going to give it any more thought than that. The fact that we had the potential to have a wonderful relationship meant nothing to her. The connection we had and the support we gave to each other didn't have any signifigance to her beyond friendship. But what I dont understand is why? How can you have a relationship like that with someone and not hope that it could become something more, especially when it WAS something more in the past? What was everything? At first I thought that I was just seeing what I wanted to see, that I wasn't taking the relationship for what it really was. But thinking back on it, and reading some of our emails, I think I had every reason to think what I did. Our relationship never really seemed to change in the 8 months we were apart. I had every reason to believe that there was at least the possibility that something could happen. The truth that hit me right between the eyes when I got to Brazil was that something had changed and that there was never a chance we'd be together. She said herself that she thought we had our chance, but that our time had passed. In my mind we never had a chance, we never spent enough time together to really explore our feelings for each other. I was hoping this time we would have the chance to explore our feelings for each other. I don't understand how her feelings for me could be completely gone, espcially if our relationship never really changed. I could see how a persons feelings could weaken after so much time apart, but I don't understand how her attraction to me coud just disappear. I just don't understand the relationship we had, and I don't understand her. I thought I knew who she was and I thought I knew the situation we were in, but I just can't get everything to add up. Even though I kinda understand the situation now, the situation as I understand it makes less sense than than the picture I had in my head before going back to Brazil. Can anyone here help me make sense of all this???