Lambert

I don't think you need additional proof... I would be openly pissed and ready to throw his butt out. You've been married less than a month, he's deleted messages and lying right to your face, justifying bull crap by saying YOU would read into it. Screw that! he's a married man and obviously wants to date other people. I would not waste time. I would talk to an attorney about an annulment. He's obviously old enough to know what he is doing. He has an adult child. I would NOT be embarrassed and hide this from my family and friends. He is a horrible person and he playing you, gaslighting you, because why? he likes attention.... the nerve. playing the sad victim. As for his daughter, don't make excuses to harm yourself. His kid might be great. but your marriage is to this guy. don't muddy it up. You act in your best interests NOW. Tolerating him, playing along to be nice etc will only harm you more in the long run. Cheat on me 3 weeks in? oh and believe me lying to me to protect another woman, your little toilet friend, is betraying me. And I would go scorched earth on his butt so fast.

my two cents... when you are in a relationship you accept all parts of your partner. Part of having a partner is sharing holidays and events together- not separately. Don't be surprised if at some point your guy decides he wants a partner in all areas. This is his daughter's first Xmas at her place. the proper thing to do is to show up. Especially, if you want to be a part of the family. If it was the 2nd or 10th year, missing one is no big deal. But the first one? And the reason being you can't be an adult for a couple hours for the happiness of your partner's daughter and partner? Selfish? yes. but I think the better word is immature. How would you feel if the situation was reversed? He has go stag and face his ex like a loser with a less than supportive partner. ugh. I would definitely be thinking I could find a better partner than that. Go. Be the bigger person. Bring a beautiful floral arrangement or something special. Think of someone other than yourself. You might have fun.

so true... its hard to be unhappy and grateful at the same time.

I don't think wanting kids is necessary to date. It may be to a specific date. Knowing you don't want kids makes it easier. If you meet someone and you know they do, then easy peasy, you're not compatible. I don't have kids and I have more friends without kids than friends with kids. I imagine my friend with kids have more friends with kids. They meet a lot of people through the kids. But my non parent friends either chose that or circumstances dictated they didn't have kids. On both sides, I think people are happy with their choices. I am glad I don't have kids. I think wanting them is the most important thing. It's not easy and if you don't do it for the right reasons (for the kids) it's not good.

You can't save anyone. The best thing you can do is let him go. When a person breaks up with you, the only choice is to let it go. You can't make them. It just doesn't work that way with anyone. healthy or not. Aside from that, you're pushing yourself on a mentally unstable person. Expecting him to make logical and sound decisions is a mistake on your part. You're in therapy. He needs therapy. Neither of you are healthy. How can you build a healthy relationship? Do yourself a favor... wish him well and focus on your life.

I think you have some good thoughts here to consider. As others have mentioned, it means different things to different people. Self love, being happy, etc it's all subjective. And I think it takes a lot of soul searching and making choices that support the person you are or are trying to be. Which is very abstract and depends on your own circumstances. I think I am a pretty happy person. But I don't have it all together in life. I think what makes me happy in general is that even when something bad happens or "could" happen, I trust myself to get through it. Keep hope alive. Some people could look at my life and say it's crap. And that's their opinion. At some point, I just decided my life is good enough for me. And I work towards the things that are important to me. I try to make good choices. For example, if you want to be healthy. You have to make healthy choices. Healthy choices in every area-- from what you consume: food, water, music, reading materials, television, social media, the people around you. To how you spend your time, how much sleep you get, your thoughts.... But things can still go wrong. It's how you cope with the things that go wrong, too. If I do everything I can to be healthy but get sick or hit by car or whatever, it's still on me to deal with it and get back on track. My philosophy for my own life is to choose happiness. Yes, bad stuff can happen. but good stuff can happen, too. Maybe I was born with a brighter outlook. That doesn't mean when something bad happens, I refuse to let it get me down. I can feel down at times and yet I am still happy in life. I think love of oneself and life is just like bathing. If you want it to last, you have to do it daily. You have to put in the work. That means making good choices, being true to those choices, even when they're hard. That builds confidence and that confidence in yourself helps you when things get hard. It's like dieting or working out-- a little cheat here and there is no big deal. It's consistency that matters. You get up. You show up. You do your best. Everyday. You commit to taking care of yourself and doing the right things not always the easy things.

It's been 3 months. Anyone and all relationships can seem perfect in that short of a time frame. So I wouldn't count too much on what you think you know of him.... So try to keep that in perspective. One lie in 90 days? there might be a lot more you don't know about. Considering to him he's only really giving an opinion of how people should act. Instead of saying what he really thinks, he is saying what you want hear. That's another red flag. The other thing is, you're also being deceitful, setting a trap instead of being real with him. So whether you stay with him or not, this probably isn't a long term thing. Neither of you is really being your authentic selves. It's more about physical needs being met and having 'someone'. The true connection and meeting of the minds and souls isn't there. If that's what you're looking for, I'd move on....

Hang in there! You'll find better! ❤

break ups are hard and it totally sucks. I'm sorry. When we're hurting and want them back, we see things through that lens. People struggle to be direct for a lot of reasons but none of the reasons are because they want to be with the person. It's mostly because they want their options open. Which if you think about happy, healthy unions, they're not about individual options. You're doing yourself no favors by holding on to signs that are not signs. If a person is unsure about you, your only response should be to completely walk away. He cheapened your relationship and you don't deserve that. You're all 'It's not that we don't love each other. He's all "keep me posted on the dog. " Can't you see how messed up that is? keep me updated means, I don't really care enough to follow up, but you remember me and hold my place. He might be feeling lonely or he was just curious about your friends. maybe he is interested in them in some way.... People who want to be with us, are with us. It's really quite simple. Let this guy go. And don't fall for his 'it was petty of you to block him When someone is supposed to love you and they hurt you, they don't get to be the victim, too. If someone dumps me, it is over...go away. you can talk to my friends all you want.. my friends aren't me.

Yes! He has brass bulbs to put this all out there like he's so great... you just wait a year. maybe he'll change his mind. i don't know about you... but when I think of a partner and a life with someone this is completely NOT it. Trust yourself and your own path. There is another man out there that has yet to learn how his luck just changed. The very best thing you can do is go on with your life and live it well, without him. Find your inner strength... burn the bridge on this guy. Save yourself, your self respect and self esteem... it is the only way. self empowerment... that's your focus... you seriously don't need his crap.

I'm so sorry. it hurts no matter what when a relationship ends and the way he is treating you is very unfair. So in a way, you have to remember that and be strong for yourself. if he can discard you so easily, just decide after years of planning a life together. You have to think screw you pal. Don't beg him. like I said be strong. cut him off. do not let him do this to you. you deserve better. He's sad about his life and doesn't know what he wants like a little baby. I would not tolerate or allow him to be the victim here. he's an ass. be glad you didn't marry him. use this time to heal and focus on starting anew for yourself. Then when you're ready you'll find someone better. live a great life. If he can flake on you once. he'll do it again. heed the warning signal now.

Sounds to me like you enjoy a lot of drama. no one wants you two to be together, he's insanely loyal, you know him better than you know yourself.... but yet you don't trust him? maybe you need to break up and see what happens. nine years is a long time, especially starting so young. You also mentioned everyone will be proved right if you break up. Think about that statement. That is not a healthy reason to want to marry someone. Especially if there are any doubts. Maybe this relationship lasted longer than it should have because you have romantic notions of what it "should or could". Marriage is a serious commitment and the two people going into it should be happy and excited to make it. Some little doubt would be normal, as with any big decision. But you're snooping his phone and finding evidence. What is there to decide? Slow down. Look at things more logically. It's pretty clear.

You know this is not how you want your life to be. Dating an unstable guy that treats you poorly, makes your family worry for you and you can't be proud of, that plays an eye for eye instead of being an upstanding guy. Why don't you think you can do better than a guy that is punishing you for your parents' choice? Don't you think a guy that is serious about you and your happiness would go out of his way to fix this? Like calling your parents and asking them if he may come talk to them? To explain he regrets the past and will treat you better? Why are you even with this guy? These little pissing match battles are not the hallmarks of a happy healthy relationship. Find better. You can do better. You know that right? Find someone that respects you and your family. And is mature enough to make peace for your sake. That's love.

I think you answered your own question. His happiness is more important to you. Right or wrong? Who is to say. I think everyone should do what they choose to because each person has to live with the consequences. You have to live with what you choose. So you do what you think is best for you. Not what is popular. Does that mean your fiancee has to live with it? no. She can very well decide this is a deal breaker. And that is her choice, too.

don't accept his lame excuses for bad behavior. You know you don't like this. Move on. You can't change another person. All you can do is decide FOR YOURSELF what you will and will not accept. Not accepting means telling them when they do this, it means you will not continue with the person. They may decide you're being unreasonable, not change and to let the relationship end. That's ok. It's not a matter of who is right and who is wrong. It's a matter of you don't agree and it's a deal breaker.

Don't waste her or your time. This should be a deal breaker.

This relationship is not sustainable. You are sacrificing A LOT for this guy. Long distance relationship rarely last. The ones that do are mostly because they didn't start out that way, it's a temporary situation, there is an end game plan in place that both people are working towards and it is happening. Add in a relationship with a mentally unstable person, incompatiabilities, and arguing-- this needs to end. You are at college. It's not the end of the world to not have a boyfriend. That is actually how you find a boyfriend.... You start single, you mingle and have fun with your friends doing things you enjoy with people with commonalities. frankly, you are wasting a brief but amazing time of your life-- college. Dump this guy. Any of the reasons listed above are more than reasonable reasons. Add them all together and you have ask yourself--- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Anyone can end any relationship for any reason. For no reason. A relationship takes both people. And as soon as one says "I'm out" its over. End it today. Move on. You will be happier in the long run. Trust us.

Maybe you are incompatible. Youve been together a long time. What else is going on in the relationship? If you feel you've grown as a person and she still sees you as college you, what is that about? I feel like my older siblings treat me like I am still the baby in the family. Meanwhile, we have grown children. But I also recognize, they don't live near me, they aren't close to me, they don't know what they are talking about. Frankly, I am more successful, at least financially and I am in better health due to lifestyle choices than all of them. My point is, how well do you two know each other? How close are you? It's unreasonable that you are saying you were nursing a drink and she's claiming you have a drinking problem. One of you is not in the same argument. And it could mean that while you have a long term relationship, the quality of the relationship is not so good.

I don't think there is anything wrong with putting cards on the table.... Ask him how he's been & say that you hope to keep in touch and maybe you can get together the next time you are home. It's difficult because LDR is not good. You don't want to go down that route... especially since, money is an issue to traveling to see each other. It's just too hard to sustain and you get all wrapped up in a mess. That is really much harder than your life should be while in UNI. You should date the guys at your school and have fun! Let the situation with this guy stew... You may find someone just as cool locally. Which is always preferrable.

I didn't read your whole post. I can't follow one giant paragraph. But.... from what I did read this relationship is cyclical... making up and breaking up. So you have to break that cycle. Hang with non mutual friends and family for a while. Let someone else coordinate events. Saying "you have to be around him" because of this friend/social group is just an easy excuse to keep the cycle going. Until you decide and take steps to change, nothing will change. Let him say what he wants. It's all just manipulation after manipulation. Some he's doing and some you're enabling. You can control your own actions and get yourself out of this situation.

I don't know how anyone deals with the poly relationship. but I do think the people who like it, don't have problems with it either. So in that respect, I think your feelings are showing you don't like this. And that means you need to move on from this life...

This is a completely personal choice and decision of yours. It doesn't matter what others think. It matters what you think. A partner in life is a choice of a person that while not perfect, is someone you respect at a fundamental level. I know in the past, in any situation, romantic, friendship, business, once I lost respect for a person, it was pretty much over. Do you feel like you owe him unconditional acceptance? What you described is not an innocent adolescent being curious. At 12 your basic character is there. He knew what he was doing was wrong. So he threatened her to keep her quiet after he abused her. It says A LOT about him. Sounds like you know you'd be betraying yourself staying with him. There are things that even if I loved you, I couldn't get past as a partner. This would be one. Abusing some creature (human or animal) weaker than you is a deal breaker for me. edited to add - this could also just be the tip of the iceberg. he's testing you to see how you react. Dump him. don't feel bad...

Hiw old are you and these guys? A lie that lasted 4 years is not just a lie.. its a character flaw in this guy. The only reason he didn't tell you is because it served his interests. How did you find out? You would be wasting your time on this guy. of course he's sorry. He wants attention and a girlfriend. I don't see how you could ever trust him again. As for the next door neighbor, you were broken up and free to do as you like.

live and learn... when someone shows what they are capable of (ghosting) don't give them the opportunity to do it again. Try not to beat yourself up, as others have said. It's a good thing to be forgiving and to give people a chance. Next time you want to get off the phone, hang up! You owe her nothing block and delete. Know that she's someone else's problem now.

Good question! And good reading comprehension @gamon