Lambert

I feel like if there comes a time when it can naturally be said in the conversation, that would be the best way to handle it. A woman says she's a doc that treats diabetes? you've been living with that for years. Why wouldn't you say it? It's a part of you that they either accept or don't. It's not like you can change it. But that doesn't mean you have to say it as an opener. If you don't make a big deal of it, then they probably won't either.

I think that is a normal human reaction when we care about someone and don't want to 'lose' them. However, in my experience it has the complete opposite effect. It makes one appear weak and even less attractive to the other person. Strength and willingness to walk away when presented with doubts from the other person is the only way to go.

I just wanted to clarify... I do think this is the right attitude to present to others. I would be cold and distant on the inside, if that makes sense. Acting normal to those on the outside and being detached on the inside.

I wonder if you're being truly honest with yourself about what this relationship is to him. To say you're a companion, to learn this hurts you and to respond by saying he needs time away from you, is not loving. Are you self-soothing yourself justifying by telling yourself this? I don't agree Maybe after an argument a few hours to think, yes. Weeks without seeing each other? No. I agree with @catfeeder Don't ask, don't wait around, do focus on moving forward for yourself. If he contacts you, you can address things then. Also, in the future, don't tell someone to take all the time they want... you clearly didn't mean it. That statement is not for romantic relationships. That's what you say when someone has your cookware or something after a party and you don't feel like going to pick it up. Your feelings aka you, do not deserve to be put on a shelf, for as long as he likes. Recognize when you aren't being valued and remove the option....❤

Now that you know the audit results are being discarded, I probably would change my approach in the meeting. What is there to really discuss now? In a professional environment stay professional. no matter how low someone else goes. I would not express my feelings. I would not let someone who does not give a poop, the satisfaction of my emotions. Rather, I would become cold, professional, distant. Work only. This manager showed you what her style is... instead of making things worse for yourself put your effort into leaving. I've had terrible managers and I always just kept focused on the work. And quietly keep looking for new and better opportunities. It's work. Not personal. While I agree, it's great when you work with caring and respectful people. When you don't, don't make yourself crazy trying to teach your bosses. Do your work until you can leave. Then leave on good terms. Never burn a bridge. Always show professionalism and grace. You never know who is noticing and where that will lead in the future.

Yes. Since the pandemic but! a lot like you said... maybe a connection, maybe not. it fizzles out. I think in a lot of ways we (singles) are all on line trying to find someone but it's too many people and too many of the not the right people. Mix in that most people don't give it the time you did... It is important to stay open and keep trying. like you said, when you have some of your confidence back. This journey of mine, has been years in the making and I have not been a recluse. lol. So I didn't mean for you to stop trying. I just meant be good to you, first. Maybe next time you connected with someone (and you will!) Don't put so much of your hope on it. Live. let live. What comes comes. What goes goes.... it doesn't define you if you chose. you can't control others. be good enough for you.

I understand. I just wanted to call out that I'm not in the camp that uses length of the relationship as a guage of a good relationship. On the surface, my opinion is one, not popular or even considered "right" by some. And that's ok. But honestly, just because I've been friends for a long time doesn't mean it's been a healthy situation. It could mean, I've been rising above a lot of crap for a long time and I've had enough. Not saying that's your case. Just something to think about. It's right up there with tolerating abuse because, "well, they're family". I also understand wanting to keep the peace for the friend group. But with enough aggravation, I will blow that off, too. I just don't want challenging friendships. Sometimes as we get older we grow and change in ways old friends don't. I stay true to my priorities and not being treated like crap for no reason is one of them. If it means I lose a friend, it's worth it for my own peace.

Dear Ignite, I am not sure what advice to give, as I am also a serially single person since the pandemic. It's hard to meet people and hard to click with them. So I do understand, how you are feeling. I feel I have a lot to offer the right guy and I try to keep a light spirit about it. So I guess that is my advice, you have to find a way to enjoy your life ANYWAY. Being bummed about it or constantly trying to make a connection work is not fun and no way to live. I understand the want, but it's part of the tough love you have to give yourself.... You deserve to be happy and enjoy life, with or without someone. As for this past lady, I am sorry you were disappointed by her. At some point, in all relationships our true self has to come through. If you let her see your "debbie downer" side (we all have one) and she couldn't handle it, then you are better off. You can work on yourself all you want with therapy and acheivements etc. But the other person-- what they bring to the table, how they handle themselves and situations, you cannot control. Put a little more compassion and love into seeing and accepting yourself in all your glory. 🙂 It's always darkest before the dawn and you just never know when lightening will strike or this game will be over. Try to see the opportunity in being single. Find something to put your passion into. Start your own new journey. Who do you want to be and what would you change (not based on another person making you happy) how could you make you happy? Several years ago, I got my heart broken in a big big way. And I started this healing journey of my own.... I didn't know at the time but a big problem I had was, I didn't know myself very well. That's why I was making bad choices. AKA ignoring red flags because I wanted someone to love me. I did this in many relationships. And the fallout from all those hurts, lead to one big fall.... At the end of my rope, I had to figure out a way to heal myself for myself. So I have been spending a lot of my free time focusing on myself-- my physical health, my mental health, and re-evaluating my relationships, how I spend my time, how I control my thoughts, who I share my energy with, what I consume-- food, media, books, etc... it's a lot to examine. It really is and it's been a journey. And I'll tell you, I am a completely different person than I was at the end of that relationship. I dated some guys. I even had a relationship for a several months, but discovered we are very different people. And I know better, now, what I need in a person. Of course it is/was a disappointment to be let down again, but I no longer take it so personally. I know who I am. My confidence is much higher. I was at a yoga class recently and I found myself thinking--- I am exactly the person I want to be. Am I still single? Yes. Am I open to that changing? Yes. But there is so much to life.... don't let what you don't have define the experience. Put your energy into something you can control. Look inward. Start listening to yourself. What can you do for YOU??? ❤️

I'm sorry for your situation and how you're feeling I don't think I could deal with my husband's family being so in my business and his working every day. I don't understand how you can say you love your relationship but yet cry every day over your life. I think you might be scared to admit that your husband doesn't care how you feel and has no guilt expecting you to just deal with everything being his way- forever. Could this be because of his family values as 'the man of the house? Did he lie to you to get you to marry him, knowing he was going to do what he wanted all along? I think in your shoes I'd be more mad, than sad. Because you're going to need that anger to leave. feeling sad is just guilting you into staying. How are you going to leave? Maybe they won't let you. It might have to be one of those situations where you need to go back to your family on a "visit" and file for divorce from there. You definitely need some kind of leverage before you just up and tell him you want to leave...

If you haven't talk to him in a while, why bother with him now? You don't have to break up with a friend. You've distanced yourself and just keep doing that. If anyone is saying things like "we are almost giving up on you", ask them what they mean exactly. Those kind of statements are passive aggressive. You be more direct. if they say because you don't come around. You can say something like, I have been pulling away. I'm not into the drinking as much. I feel like Kevin hasn't been such a great friend. I've busted him in lies. he gaslights me at times and I don't want to argue about it. He knows what he does and I don't need the aggravation. If that means you or he give up on me, ok. Be strong you're 50 years old. You can decide anything you want for yourself.

This guy is totally wasting your time. Try not to romanticize the break up like this. It's been a year. Move on with your life. Block him. Don't look back

Good for you. This guy was a drain... correction- is a drain. stay away for good.

These are not admirable qualities at all. They rather denote a level of immaturity and self-centeredness. Why are kissing her butt? I would run from this ego maniac.

I have actually been in a similar situation. 2 weddings on the same day. My advice depends on your relationship.... If you can, rise above it. Go to your friend's wedding. I imagine you have people to sit with etc. So it's not like you're alone at the wedding. Then if you want to, go meet him at the other wedding. I understand you feel a little slighted that he wants to do something differently than you do but.... Relationships last because we compromise and support the needs of each other. This time, it's you doing the compromising... if you feel it is always you, then that is a different problem and you need to assess that. If you don't want to compromise on this. Then don't go to the other wedding. Realize that maybe you guys are not as strong as a couple as you expected. Maybe this is the right time to talk to him about what you expect in a relationship and if he doesn't agree, then maybe you're not compatible or at least not on the same page of the relationship. What I wouldn't do, is let this slide if it bothers you. Maybe you are at a cross roads... Be strong and realistic about your relationship do not be more commited than he is. if you're just a woman he dates (which is what it might be) Then he needs to be demoted to the same.... Then you, do you. maybe you'll meet a new guy at the wedding. Sorry.

As women, we really do try to fix everything and keep everyone happy. The extended family included. But OP, this guy is very toxic. Teaching you lessons? And manipulating the situation and then excusing it away because YOU didn't respond the way he expected you to. More excuses for broken promises and guilting you into putting with this crap behavior? That's not love. Not at all. As the mother of a young impressionable child and an unborn baby, you have to get your priorities straight. It's those lives and your life that need to come first. You can't be a good caregiver, if you're stressed to the point of breakdowns and physical injury. It's not your responsibility to take care of a grown man. If anything, he should be taking responsibility for helping you have a happy, joyous, healthy pregnancy! Shame on him. If he gave up his home and his belongings and now lives in a hotel, that is on him. Too bad. So sad. How about don't play little mean jokes and games on someone he supposedly loves? While pregnant and other children in the house! I would include him with another third party present (an adult. a close friend or family member that you trust as someone that understands you) for baby activities such as, doc appointments. But he needs to either earn his way back or accept his new role as co-parent only. Talk to your 12 yr old's pediatrician. Does therapy for her make sense? Get some tips on the appropriate way to talk to her about this. Your relationship with your daughter needs to come first, ahead of your romantic one. Your daughter deserves as much. Save your daughter, yourself and the new baby. Until this man can be an adult and proper parent/role model, he needs to stay out. He is helping no one. He made his bed.... let him lay in in.

Hi Tiny! Sorry about the accident. Are you ok? Did the police catch the guy? I'm gonna say something that I have noticed in your threads and I hope I don't offend you. You are a very social person with lots of friends. but sometimes what you have in quantity lacks for quality. It is utterly ridiculous to stop talking to "friends" over a TV show. I would not reach out to her. If she reached out to me, I would let her know I do not appreciate being treated this way over a TV show, especially, after I apologized. And that she needs to re- think what being a friend is. if she wants to be my friend. Silent treatment, unreasonable anger, pouting and basically being a jerk over something so stupid is not friendship. is there something else going on with her? I would ask her that, too. Tolerating this crap for sake of friendship, is a mistake I made in the past. Don't be afraid to cut some friends loose. A friend is someone who understands you. She clearly doesnt. ❤

I give zero credit to "looks". When I have on line dated, there's a lot people that look and then look, then look, then look. That's lame. Only pay attention to messages. People who get off the pot so to speak. if I were you I'd block him. move on. no need to give chances... he's a time waster... with his he's "not ready..." ok here's an idea, if you aren't ready, then don't date! believe me as painful as this might be to hear, it's solid advice: a person that says they are not ready for a relationship with you, means exactly that. They don't want one with you. But with someone else they might. He probably is not getting a lot of attention and feeling lonely, thinking back to maybe some easy ego boosts. make doubt about it, you can do better.

I am so sorry for how painful this is. I really feel the above explains a lot and bears reading again. It's very unhealthy to put your happiness in the hands of another person. I feel this could be a wake up call to you to work on your own issues. Heartbreak is never pleasant. But we all go through it. You can and will get through this. Find professional help. Friends, family, and significant others are great blessings in life but they are not responsible for you. They cannot resolve things within you. And more often than not, they get burned out trying. As you said, you are a grown adult. As such, you have to find the strength to care for yourself and work on your issues. Until you can manage your own emotions and life, it's hard to have a healthy relationship with others. Take some time to mope, cry, nap, journal, watch TV and in general just feel how you feel. Look for a therapist. Call your doctor for referrals. Talk to therapists about their treatment philosophies before you commit. Find one that works for you. Go to the book store. Look for titles from the self improvement section that resonate with you. Reach out to a close friend. Take care of you.... let him be. Hope this helps. You can get through this.

This definitely is a total bummer. I don't think constantly fighting, losing attraction and the identification of his character flaws are normal "moving in together adjustments". It is challenging to move and change to one's first place as an adult and one's first time living with a partner. It's how a person and the couple handles it which tells the story. I think it would be normal to feel frustrated but there should be compromise on both sides. So I don't think, from what you've said, he is not doing this this and there could be some incompatibility coming to light... I think you're learning a tough lesson... to not make moves you can't afford and to not depend on another person to carry you (not driving) You don't want to give up the relationship, but you need him to work on it, too. I would talk to him about your concerns. Give him a chance to respond. His response will tell you want you need to do. That is mainly, put yourself first. If he gets angry and won't change or says he will but doesn't you have to make some tough decisions.... go back to your toxic family, stay in a toxic environment or find a cheaper place on your own or with a friend. Financial independence is the most important factor. When you have this, you have options. You never want to limit your options. Even when you get married... when you do, you have to have deep discussions about who does what, how things get paid for, what it means if you make less or stop working to take care of children. What portion of the total household budget you each get to your individual personal use. If one person makes more, it does not mean the other gets less. Marriage is 50-50 on all assets. So you want to make sure you agree on that. But that's another post. Good luck!

Get yourself out of this situation as soon as you can. like today. go back to your family or friends Your gut is right... he jumped into things with you when he was not completely free of his feelings for her. I agree with the others, you moved in way too fast. He is probably being a jerk to you-- accusatory and outrageous claims, because he wants you to end it. He knows he's there with you physically but not emotionally. So he's projecting on to you. This is a common thing for cheaters to do. They know they are untrustworthy and therefore you are, too. Lesson learned. Save yourself and your pride... This guy kinda sucks and you can do better.

this is so incredibly hurtful, OP. You're blinded by hurt to see what a total piece of poop this husband of yours is. Do your future self and your children a favor and divorce him. You deserve and will find better. Even alone is better than being cheated on, insulted and treated this way.

Would it be easier to ask C's girlfriend about her guy's friend? She could give you the scope like whether he had a gf or not.

This is a tough pill to swallow. but... you've effectively excused away all his bad behaviors with a simple "we aren't married yet why do I care now". You care now because the marriage, the actual act is a ceremony. Fundamentally you are the same, he is the same, the relationship is the same before and after. If you want marriage, you have to date guys that want marriage. This guy told you & showed you, he is not down for the plan. You think you put some line in the sand about how you have your own plan, puppy and not to expect anything until some future due date. To a mooch, a player or someone not interested in marriage. a three stint sounds great. He let down his end of the bargain. Why are you not out the door?

I think you're lucky to get away from this woman. You did nothing wrong. You put a lot of effort and care into the whole thing. It's not your fault there are global supply chain problems and worker shortages. You kept your cool, even though she was basically abusing you and being a total B word. You deserve better. Find someone that appreciates you and your efforts. This constant jumping through hoops and the man takes care of everything is not a healthy relationship for you. This is not your culture.... You are not her parent. You need a partner. not a kid.

FWB are supposed to be easy, carefree, fun, sex arrangements.... read this site for any length of time and you will find they are anything but! Humans, as much as we claim to not like attachments. We our actions show differently. With that said, this guy is crossing the line and showing you he is not capable of a causal sex situation. I would stop having sex with him.