Lambert

it is. I'm sorry. I've been there. That moment when it hit me. Everything will be fine as long as I keep meeting their needs and forget mine. And how long they had manipulated the dynamic to be this way. Instance after Instance, going back years. I realized they need to do too much work on themselves to ever even understand what a crappy person they actually are. It could kill a person to hear my observations... that's when I was done. You deserve more.

That is hurtful.. but actions have to match words in order them to not be lies and manipulations... She's guilting you because she won't change. She's the victim if you leave... But she's not... this is typical BS and not love.

Well, then it seems it's time to make some major decisions. You tried and she isn't willing to work with you. There's really one choice to make- live with it, leave. What we don't change we accept. You can't make her change but you can change the situation.

No one knows the answers... The more important question and the one worth exploring is why were you or are you involved with this guy?

Ask her how she would like you to show you care. Does she want more time together? What have you done for her in the past? do you go on proper dates? Do you take initiative to show interest in her life?

How is your relationship with your daughter otherwise? Does she talk to you about her life and feelings? Or is she afraid to upset you? Have you made her dad the villain and now she's a afraid to love him? Regardless of what you know about this guy and your concerns, it's hard on her. Children want both parents. Maybe you can talk to a therapist about how to talk to her about this. where it's not an argument. Where you spent a bulk of the time listening to her. What does she think about her dad coming back around? How does she feel when he doesn't drop her off or help her get to a bus or whatever? Does she know she can call you any time and what to do in a situation where he does something like that? It's important for you to understand her and make it so no matter what happens with him, she has you... meaning you understand her. And you express this to her. When she says things that are disrespectful or threaten to go live with him. How do you react? I think you have to find a way to flip this script to being allies not adversaries

Never wait on someone needing space. The phrase 'I need space', is like the international safe word to stop. It is most likely them. They (for some reason) do not want to move forward with you and they can't explain it any better without just saying, I'm not into you. I'm sorry. It stinks. But! you have unresolved issues from your past. Take your interest in her and put it into you. Love yourself.

I do think it says a lot more about him than you. Makes me think he was trying to put you down and make you insecure. Do you think it's unusual? It's your body. You would know if you are having a problem.

If you stay with him, he will do more things like this and it will hurt more. He's really immature. He does whatever he wants & is sorry when caught. These are admirable qualities. NOT. if you forgive him, he'll know you put him before yourself. Do you think having been in one relationship and it being an abusive relationship, you're not really sure what a good one is? Or that your own self esteem is low? A great person is a great person all the time. They have integrity and morales. They don't use people for sex or play on their emotions. He's very manipulative. Don't think this wasn't all very orchestrated. Being a comforting friend when you had a boyfriend. Being a help when you were hurt. He knows what he is doing. I would tell this guy, I'll always appreciate how he helped me when I was down, but this isn't going to work out. You need to listen to that nagging feeling... that's you screaming at you to do what's best for you!

You are sexually incompatible. Many people post about sexual needs not being met in their marriage. You are not married. So I would remember that and seriously consider if this, how things are right now, is how you want your relationship and marriage to be. If your needs are not being met in a relationship do not move forward in the relationship. Take some time to think. Talk to him about it. If nothing changes, I'd end it. Life is too short for this kind of problem. You deserve to feel desired and to have great sex. Relationships are hard. If your needs are not being met or at least a priority to the other person... you're better off alone where you have opportunities to find someone better. Do not marry someone thinking marriage fixes anything. Marriage will highlight the problems not fix them.

I don't think it's ok for me. I would tell him so. If he keeps doing it, then I'd end it. It doesn't mean he's a cheater or doesn't love you. What it means is: he knows it bothers you and he does it any way. That's a problem.

In a way, I look back at my failed relationships with gratitude. Whether I ended it or got dumped, most of the time, it caused some form of self reflection. In turn, that reflection lead to changes and improvements in a my life. I don't think any one person deserves credit. Other than myself! lol. But I do agree- as I shifted, I saw the ex as pretty pathetic and not what I wanted anyway. Of course it was hard and hurtful every single time... but I wonder if I would have done and accomplished as much without the experiences. Maybe it was to "show them". However, think I that quickly fades. As with anything, once I got focused on some other project, my mindset changed. That bit of advice to myself has been my most beneficial.... When the poop hits the fan- take stock of what's working and what I CAN control. Focus on those things.

Another vote to move on. This guy is NOT a partner. He's a liability. Why continue doing this to yourself? This is him.

What is wrong with you?!?! You were dating a psycho. That's what Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. He was love bombing you. He showed you what he is about. Believe him. Sorry it stings but 2 months? don't dwell on it. Just learn from it. Don't give love bombers and the emotionally unstable (all lovey dovey over text but cold in person. big red flag!) chances. You weren't as perfect as he said, but how would he know that? It's all just bull crap to get you to cater to him. This lose is a gain. If you use it to make better choices in the future.

This is a great observation! And makes sense. They are alone together. When I go to visit my family. It is no big deal for me make a call or check my phone. I mean maybe a few hours at a time I would not have my phone. It's totally different than say when.....On a romantic holiday. That is much more difficult.

Well. OP... this is quite the pickle now isn't it.... I think the first thing to do is figure out what kind of changes you want to make. I might do a brainstorming exercise in my journal. Create these lists: 1. What to keep doing. 2. What to stop doing (or work towards stopping) 3. What to start doing. That will help you figure out what you want and what it looks like in active terms. Then start building a plan. You definitely need some self care, me time, help at home and a therapist. Work on individual relationships with your siblings. They were your first friends. Maybe there is some truth to what hubs said, but don't internalize it so much. He has his faults, too. We all do. You're at a cross roads here. You're life as it is, isn't working. it's time to re-evaluate and don't be afraid to ask for help. It's not a burden for anyone to need or ask for help. But you can keep what you want private. It will take time and effort but this situation was created by you and can be fixed by you.

Don't let someone control you or how your day is. You know for yourself this is not what you want out of a guy. All the other things you said, being deeply connected etc all go out the window when he basically puts you on notice he won't be able to communicate much for two weeks! oh and he'll be with anther woman so no worries... Get your head out of the lovie dovies. Is he in a third world country? Is this work or pleasure? No one is that busy. You're being played... I would ignore him from now on. Don't wait on anyone. Go focus on your own life. And hey in the next 7 days, you may realize he is not worth this. When he gets back, don't just fall back into his arms. he's treating you very poorly and his actions say to me- he is a jerk.

Yes. I have. Depression brought on by grief (of a breakup) is different. Clinical depression is mental/medical illness that requires medical treatment. A lay person (not a therapist etc) is not qualified to do anything to help. Just as you are not a dentist and should not pull a person's bad tooth.

I understand... but this is a mistake. You're trusting a person with mental illness to make decisions for his own health. Which is fine because it's his life. But you have to be strong and not get dragged down in your own life.... This is a slippery slope, Honeycomb8. You are taking on more than you can or should handle as a girlfriend. In order to be in a good relationship, you have to be and be with a good partner. An unhealthy person, that is not taking care of themselves is not a good partner. He has to be motivated to help himself to be with you in the way you deserve.

Then he needs to go back to the doctor or find a new doctor that has a different idea for treatment. Getting off the meds is wrong.

Married Man

I think the best thing you can do is have strong boundaries. His depression is something he and he alone can work on. Taking on any responsibility for another person's health, will destroy yours. I would create strong boundaries. Mainly, if he is off his meds, I would not see him. A person should not be off their prescribed medications without the guidance of their doctor. My other boundary would be, they must stay in therapy and see a doctor regularly. Again, a person on a prescription for a doctor diagnosed condition needs to see a doctor, a therapist, regularly. You do a person no favors enabling them to neglect their responsibilities. As a person's partner and closest to them, you have to hold them accountable. If you can't, then end it. it is better for you both. Good luck. I've been there. It's a tough path.

Follow your gut. Don't do it. This is a train wreck waiting to happen. Don't rent from a co-worker. Don't pay cash. Keep your work life separate from your home life.

Having healthy self esteem and boundaries does not guarantee you'll meet people that "make you feel" a certain way. It guarantees you won't settle for less. 1. You have to make yourself feel all those things on your own. You cannot give that power to anyone. 2. You have to hold up your boundaries to people that don't fit your criteria. Honestly, you're making excuses to lower your boundaries and creating a narrative that justifies being with a lying, cheating, user! He is bored, lonely, horny... and with no options. What do all people do when they have no options? They flip back through past discards. Who can fill a gap? Mix in you're currently single and not happy with the people you've been meeting and what do you get? You're a mistress, being used and limiting your own options. Users only use those that allow themselves to be used. Ending this today is the only healthy choice.

This is very cold and heartless. I'm sorry. Hang in there. Focus on your health. It's hard to accept this is but you're probably seeing the real him for the first time. You got a 2nd job? Why couldn't he get a job outside his field, like a part time job? instead of you working more? That says a lot, as does the rest of his actions. Losing this guy is a gain. It's not easy to see right now. I know. ❤