Stupidvolvo

This is what I needed to hear. He’s my best friend before he’s my boyfriend. But, Even though I can empathise with him doesn’t mean I should allow him to discount, or disregard my feelings.

Agreed. In retrospect, we should have been more honest with each other about expectations. In the beginning I was insecure about him having girls that were friends, mostly because of the way the we fell in love- friends first. And this was dumb and something that makes me really embarrassed. I see so many problems stemming from like the first fight we ever had when I was 17 and insanely immature. He talks about me all the time. Brings me up random conversation has me in every profile pic for all of his social media, on his phone etc. And always has. I sat this just to explain that he’s never hid our relationship. I just think that- especially when we were younger- people didn’t care. They would have pursued him anyways. And he’s had to learn to be overly explicit about letting people know he wasn’t interested. Which I think was hard for him. He’s a well liked person, and he doesn’t like to hurt people’s feelings.

I love this. I don’t want to make excuses for him. He has admitted his inadequacies. He was immature for sure, and definitely inappropriate. I don’t feel bad for believing I deserve better. I feel bad for invading his privacy. I don’t want to feel insane for the rest of my life. But staying with him would be about more than proving a point.

You might be right. I feel like a do get a kick out of the dramatics. I wouldn’t say that any of the things I mentioned about our parents approving of our relationship, or his loyalty is wrong though. We’ve talked about breaking up several times over the course of our relationship, but it’s never felt right. I would say this is the only point you got wrong “You also mentioned everyone will be proved right if you break up. Think about that statement. That is not a healthy reason to want to marry someone. Especially if there are any doubts.” I replied to another comment that they would be proved right. Not that that is the reason I want to marry him. Neither of us take marriage lightly. Which is why we haven’t rushed it. And even now are working through these trust issues before we move any further. I’ve gone through his phone twice. I feel like any number of times is unhealthy. But mostly it’s in my very few moments of weakness and doubt. His parents got pregnant with him right out of high school. And divorced soon after, and mine have been together since highschool and married for nearly 30 years. So going into this we had different expectations of what marriage could be like. Logically. When I lay it out, I see myself as the source of the problem. I was controlling, selfish and not understanding at the beginning of the relationship. Before he ever left for school. So when he was away, he didn’t feel like he could be honest with me about. When I think back he told me-though perhaps- not in explicit detail about everything I’d ever found— before I found it. We’ve talked endlessly about how being more transparent with each other protects us from being hurt by any surprises. And it’s something that has really worked, ok both sides. I’ve realised if I’m feeling insecure about something I should just say it. And he understands that if there’s ever an issue that he thinks I may be uncomfortable with, telling me upfront is always better than me happening upon it later. It’s hard to lay out what we mean to each other like this. Our the ins and outs of our relationship. But we have had no reason to stay together this long. He could left the relationship and had a “college experience”, we could date other people who share more in common, our family relationship makes ***, so complicated. But we choose each other every time. The spark we had at the begginning of the relationship has never left us. Neither of us are perfect. But the moments that are good are so perfect and so plentiful make the stuff I’m talking about seem silly. I’m ready to put this past us. It’s not even who we are anymore. I just made the mistake of dredging up the past in a moment I’m not proud of.

Yep. I feel stupid. I would never advise any of my friends or siblings to stay in this situation. I just... know him better than I know myself. He’s a giant flirt and people pleaser. But I just don’t see him doing anything to intentionally hurt me. We’ve talked about his issues and worked through it. The one guy friend I’ve talked to about this, who know my partner quite well, also believes that he was just being a dumb kid. He says he talks about me constantly and has never been in love the way that he’s seen us in love. But trust is EVERYTHING to me. And I hate that I feel like I can’t trust him 100 percent.

Ugh. I would 100% agree. Except neither of our families want us to be together lol. Neither of us have been in relationships with other people so it’s been a learning experience for both of us. It’s definitely not just affection. I can’t imagine my life without him. And him either. Both of our parents could care less if we get married to anyone... ever! It’s all us. I just have trouble letting go of this. And I don’t want any of this toxicity to follow us in the future.

I have been with my partner for 9 years. Prior to dating he was my best friend, practically family. His parents went to highschool with my uncle and have been friends ever since, so we’ve basically known each other our whole lives. When we started dating it was difficult for people (our family’s) to get behind us, just because we were like family and ...sometimes relationships don’t end well. We started dating when I was 17 and he was 19. He pursued me, really courted me came to every play and soccer game; was always there if I needed him. We told each other everything. We finally admitted we had feelings for each other and it was; amazing. And then he went away to college (4 hour drive). We’d been together 4 years. Had some arguments nothing serious, never any reason to distrust each other- and I am not an optimist. But the long distance was hard. We would fight constantly. Admittedly I was very distrusting and insecure. I was quick to question relationships with females - throughout our entire relationship if I’m being honest- he’s very friendly and handsome. And has a tendency to be extremely kind, which can be misconstrued as flirting. Anyways, while he was at school I got this message on Facebook. It was from a fake account saying something to the effect of he was cheating on me and had been cheating on me for years, always out at bars, talking to girls, he had a tinder and the person who messaged me “just thought I should know”. Now. My cousin also went to the same school as him they hung out all the time, and it wasn’t a large school. We’d been social media official for 4 years at this point, and if he had really been doing any of these things. He would be hurting not only me but his family and my family as well. Which honestly, I don’t think he would do. After this incident I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He came clean and told me there was a girl who was a friend of a friend that came onto him and he shut it down. And he thought it could have been her, trying to get back at him for rejecting her. (Of course I only find out about this after he the Facebook message, he did kind of allude to it before and we laughed it off) We later agreed it also could have been his friend who had recently broken up with his girlfriend and was upset that he wouldn’t go out with him to try to pick up girls. When he was at school we had virtual movie dates like 3 times a week. Talked on the phone at leas 4 hours a day, most nights we would stay on FaceTime while we slept- like seriously at least 5 nights a week, and he came home every other weekend. If he was really cheating... it would be difficult. I was hurt for sure after this. We were each other’s first EVERYTHING. And even if he hadn’t done anything I felt betrayed that he put us in this situation. And hurt that there were things he wasn’t telling me. But I loved him and he has been insanely devoted to me I just couldn’t see him doing those things. He went into a deep depression and made himself insanely sick, wound up in the hospital for a few night for dehydration, his parents had to go stay with him. I’d never seen him so upset. We got through it and things were good again. Fast forward to earlier this year. We’ve been talking about getting married. We’ve been together 9 years. I have no one to talk to about this because... I don’t want anyone to think less of him... or me. He used my computer and logged into his email. He forgot to log out. I couldn’t help but snoop. I found pictures of breasts that he’d emailed to himself around the time the person accused him of cheating. I was devastated. If this was true what else was? I also found a picture of his close friend in black lacy underwear- it didn’t really give off a sexual vibe and was mostly her leg. Keep in mind both of these images were from 5 years ago. when I asked him about the boobs and the under wear pick of his friend. He said that the breasts were something he did with his friend (the one who we thought could have sent the Facebook message) they’d talk to random girls and see if they could get them to send them nudes. Supposedly this was to cheer his friend up. He claims he never let it go further than that... As for the pic of his friend he says that it was for a tattoo. He is an amazing artist, and he was helping her design a piece for he thigh. Believable. Except... somehow texts between them would occasionally get deleted. They didn’t talk often, and honestly I think he deleted them mostly because he didn’t want to argue with me. Not because there was something going on. It’s hard to trust him. I am self aware enough to realise that a lot of the mistrust started with me. Like I mentioned, I’m a pessimist. I don’t trust easily, I have a poor opinion of men, and insecurity issues. A lot of this I could be over thinking, and I know that most of the sketchy things he lies about he does because he doesn’t want me to doubt him anymore than I do. I go through his phone and it’s not healthy. He’s patient with me though. Shares all his passwords, social media, bank passwords, he has been doing this ever since the weird Facebook message. In the nearly 10 years we’ve been together these are the only red flags. We’re in love. He is good to me, and my family- almost closer to my sister than I am and has been for most of their lives. I can’t imagine him doing anything to hurt them. Everything I’ve asked him to do to make me feel more comfortable he has done. We’re really close to getting engaged (we’ve looked at rings) I’m just scared. He is my best friend. If he was anyone else it wouldn’t be worth it. But I want to believe him. Am I being naive for wanting to believe him? For wanting this to work?